Dismissive Avoidant GF and hot and cold behaviour

[Simyboye]

Hi

My 10 month relationship with my GF 50YO started off like a whirlwind, amazing until one of her wheels fell off, (she ghosted me). Back then I was seriously questioning what I had done? We spoke about it and sorted it. She's had a rough start in life, haven't we all?

I discovered that I was an Anxious attachment type, so I got to work with regards to that. Work in progress.

However, more recently, she's started going hot and cold over me, one minute she's all over me, then when she leaves, turns into a fridge with little communications.

I'm far from perfect, but I'm working on my demons. I'm keeping a diary and sad faces on my calendar regarding how we are. To be honest, I'm investing far too much time, feeling like I'm an option and not a priority and so today I offered her the " lets be friends" of which she doesn't want. If you read this and are going to just criticize me, slag me off etc, please, just don't. I haven't got much armour left.

I'm sad, I love her and regardless of the effort I put in, it's one sided. I have to suffer in silence and wait until I'm wanted again, like a toy.

Jeez, this sounds awful. Why am I doing this? I love her, but I just don't think she want's it as much as I do.

Any advice would be welcomed.

Thanks

[Gaeta]

The only way to handle a dismissive avoidant is to give them the gift of your absence. 

On your calendar I suggest you put happy faces for each day you did not contact her, and celebrate the strength you were able to demonstrate by doing that. 

And don't worry, they always come back. Their cycle runs like this A) they dump you because they feel they have a higher value B) they enjoy their time alone playing the field C) They start remembering how life was easier with you D) You get a text from them as if nothing happened. 

During phase A-B-C you have to be completely absent from their life, any contact from you will push them away thinking they can have you back anytime so you're less valuable to their eyes. 

At this time, no. She doesn't want it as much as you, so you stay away and let her go through ABC. 

Meanwhile you go back to dating and let life bring what it may bring. You might be surprised. 

[Alpacalia]

Since she lacks the ability to self-soothe and cannot access internal resources that help her self-soothe when she's experiencing negative emotional states, she'll instinctively seek you out when she's experiencing any negative emotions. After connecting with you, she'll begin to feel trapped, and that's why she pulls away from you.

Getting over the avoidant attachment type is such a complicated process that requires a lot of therapy and self-awareness. There is so much importance in taking responsibility for our emotions and making sure we act on them in a responsible manner.

It is common for anxious-attachment individuals to feel unworthy and want approval and stability as a result of their anxiety. That's perhaps why you seek her out. In turn, avoidant adults avoid commitment primarily because they fear being emotionally smothered or over-controlled, along with wanting self-determination and autonomy.

So it makes sense why you're attracted to each other.

Clearly, it is evident that you are caring about the person you are dating. In that case, that's fine, although if your partner is truly avoidant, you have a lot of work ahead of you.

Sadly, that's the bad news.

Edited August 15, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Simyboye]

Thanks so much. I've done the NC bit a few times and she doesn't come back. She gets over me quicker than quick thing.

I know the complications with a DA and a AA. I'm really running out of reasons to stay. I've done so much work to change and be a better more secure person. Seeing a Psychologist 4 times a month for past trauma. I got diagnosed with PTSD from my childhood situations. I'm not b****ing about it. But she told me today, she is who she is and won't change.

I think it's a trauma bond that keeps us together. And I think I've just realised that I'm going to better off without her. The days I go through of suffering, but a break up is a peace of cake, at least I know where I stand.

 

Thanks again. x

[Gaeta]

8 minutes ago, Simyboye said:

I've done the NC bit a few times and she doesn't come back.

That's because you have not waited long enough. Dismissive avoidant have a different internal clock. Example 3 months is super long for you as an anxious person, for an avoidant 3 months is nothing. 

Yes you will be better off but you have to be ready to dismiss her when she comes back. 

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, Simyboye said:

I'm really running out of reasons to stay.

Sorry this is happening. Rather than suggest being friends, or hoping she changes with other tactics, just walk away. it's just 10 mos. and you're quite incompatible. It's an uphill climb to wants someone to be someone they are not.

[Simyboye]

I have my Ex stopping me seeing my son at the moment. Because I moved on. Yet my current GF is distant as a star at times. I'm really very low with all this drama.

I think I need a break from the GF and continue sorting myself out.

Thanks again. Much appreciated

[alphamale]

7 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Someone said that the least involved person has all the power in a relationship. This is totally true

 

6 hours ago, Simyboye said:

I think I need a break from the GF and continue sorting myself out.

By all means take a long one

[Gaeta]

9 minutes ago, Simyboye said:

I have my Ex stopping me seeing my son at the moment. Because I moved on. Yet my current GF is distant as a star at times. I'm really very low with all this drama.

I am sorry this is happening to you. You do not need the GF's drama right now. You'll have plenty of time to date after you solve your visiting rights. Focus on this. That is what's truly important. 

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Simyboye said:

But she told me today, she is who she is and won't change.

Yes, well, if she is not willing to invest in herself or the relationship, then she isn't going to be a healthy partner for you. 

Edited August 15, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Simyboye]

The person with the least interest, holds the most power. 

Current GF has one last chance then I will tell her for a time out or friends only. I'm not really interested in her decision at this point. My son is more important.

The pure coldness/ inappropriate comments/ lack of interest when not with her is a pure suffering like no other. Waterboard me for hours. The breakup is a breeze compared. 

I love her, however. I'm educated now in how to make a lady feel magical. One who appreciates my precious time and what I have to offer.

Again. Thank you so much. x

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Simyboye said:

I have my Ex stopping me seeing my son at the moment.

Sorry this is happening. Focus on working out a better custody and visitation schedule. How old is your son? How long have you been apart? An ex simply can not do that unless you don't have the appropriate court ordered custody, visitation and child support.

[Simyboye]

My son is 10yo. Haven't heard from him since the 12th. Split for 13 months. I suspect she's a narcissist. My 2 psychologist friends think that of her. Seeing a solicitor tomorrow. I'm on the birth cert.

She's poisoned him. 

Thanks people

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, Simyboye said:

Split for 13 months. Seeing a solicitor tomorrow.

Yes get an appropriate court ordered visitation./custody schedule in order. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks his mother is. You need to work out an amicable custody/visitation schedule for the sake of your child.

Be the best father you can be. And don't chase this rebound women around, she's a distraction from your responsibilities/troubles and is just not that interested.

[Simyboye]

Wiseman2? Are you referring to the Ex or my current GF? GF with DA? I'm texting her and starting to be distant.

Seen the film Snatch? I need someone that own's a pig farm...

I'm a good father, I do my best, always. 

Sincerely, thank to you all

 

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Simyboye said:

Current GF has one last chance then I will tell her for a time out or friends only. 

She is not friendship material. 

Simyboye: ask yourself if this is the type of woman you want to introduce in your son's life?

After what you said about the mother, sounds like both of you, your son and yourself, would benefit having a kinder, softer woman as your girlfriend, or even just friend.

[Alpacalia]

She might not want to be a rebound.

It was not long after your ex that you dated her.

Edited August 15, 2022 by Alpacalia

[salparadise]

Anxious attachment types and dismissive/avoidant types don't mix. You need someone who is secure or a bit on the anxious side herself. I think you need to just let her go, as hard as that may be. Also don't try to be "friends," as that will just keep you in her orbit and suffering pretty much the same. I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. You need a reliable support system. Lean on family and friends and try to seek peace within. Best to you.

[Lotsgoingon]

You can't be friends with current gf--someone so inconsistent I'm hesitant to call a gf. 

No, you guys will get romantic at the drop of a hat. She'll turn on the charm when she wants ... and then disappear. 

I'm sorry, but you need to stop seeing her in any way.

And get to therapy to deal with that hopelessness you're experiencing.

[chillii]

 

Sorry op but you just don't fit the bill for her , l'd try your best to move on. She'll probably start poking about again with some interest when you do , but it will just go full circle again if she does.

[Simyboye]

Thanks again people. 

Went to see her today, I told her everything and told her we'll be friends. She said no. So I told her all my issues, so we'll see where it goes. I'll give it 48 hours.

Circles? Bloody circles. Must be 4-5th time.

Women move BF into the friend zone, (don't mean to be sexist) so they don't hate them.

Thanks again to you all.

James

 

[BrinnM]

15 minutes ago, Simyboye said:

Thanks again people. 

Went to see her today, I told her everything and told her we'll be friends. 

Circles? Bloody circles. Must be 4-5th time.

Women move BF into the friend zone, (don't mean to be sexist) so they don't hate them.

Thanks again to you all.

James

 

What do you mean by that? - Women move BF into the friend zone, (don't mean to be sexist) so they don't hate them. [i thought it was you who told her friends only]

 

Anyways - why did you do that? You sound like the boy who cried wolf. (with Constant threats of friendzoning).

It’s like you giving her an ultimatum for not behaving a certain way. “If you don’t do this or that, we’re only gonna be friends, nothing more.” - Guess what - she won’t change. These threats about friendzoning her don’t phase her. She doesn’t care. Leave her alone. Look elsewhere! This woman isn’t meeting your needs. She’s a bad match for you. 
Why would you want to be her friend!? It’s not gonna work, and she knows it, too, which is why she says NO to whatever you suggest. 

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Simyboye said:

Went to see her today, I told her everything and told her we'll be friends. She said no. So I told her all my issues, so we'll see where it goes. I'll give it 48 hours.

Since when she decides for you? She doesn't want to be friends so cut her out, end of story. 

Remember of the Shenfield show where George wanted to breakup with his girlfriend but his gf said 'no, we're not breaking up' and George obeyed her and continued to date her. Your update reminded me of that. 

[Simyboye]

13 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Since when she decides for you? She doesn't want to be friends so cut her out, end of story. 

Gaeta. Fair point. I'm being short sighted here. Thanks for pointing this out. 😀

[smackie9]

You are not at fault for her behavior...she is what she is, and any psychologist will tell you to avoid hot/cold people at all costs. You need solid stability in a partner. You have to take care of your mental health. Hope treatment is going well for you. 

Edited August 16, 2022 by smackie9