Dismissive Avoidant GF and hot and cold behaviour

[Simyboye]

Just a thought guys. If she told me she loves me, 3rd time in 8 months, yet after a crappy joke makes no contact. Is this just a sign of a toxic/ fake relationship?

I've got a life/ relationship coach now. Seems much better.

Thanks

x

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, Simyboye said:

Is this just a sign of a toxic/ fake relationship? I've got a life/ relationship coach now. Seems much better.

Focus on staying clean and sober. A therapist can help you with that and do more good than a " dating coach". As far as this woman. You know what's wrong. Good sex, bad relationship . Incompatible yet over-attached to each other.

[mark clemson]

It appears you are trying way too hard to "break up". Counting days, looking for "signs" about the relationship, etc.  It may be easier said than done, but IMO you need to resolve to walk away fully and simply be done with her. The impression I get is that this is an unhealthy preoccupation for you and little more than that.

Consider looking up "the 180" (as it applies to divorce/ending relationships) online. It's a bit of applied cognitive-behavioral therapy that might be of genuine help.

If you can't stop thinking about her, i.e. you have "intrusive thoughts" then you may have limerence, in which case you'll just have to wait it out for several months until it ends on it's own. If you have a therapist already, then bringing this up with them may result in some positive suggestions for dealing with that.

Edited August 25, 2022 by mark clemson

[Simyboye]

I'm doing what I can to move on. It's all coming out wrong. But I'm working on it.

I'm not going to pursue her or contact her. But why she/ I have developed such an attachment to her, is really getting on my nerves. But you are right on this. I'm keeping my counsellor and continue with that.

Found the 180 method, I'll get onto that.

Thanks for your help. I do appreciate your straight up honesty.

[Estes]

On 8/15/2022 at 1:38 PM, Gaeta said:

And don't worry, they always come back.

They don't "always come back". Sometimes they break up with their partners.

[Simyboye]

This is not true. They don't always come back. She has a small window then shuts down. And moves on.

I'm not expecting her to contact in any form. All I care about is healing the pain. She hasn't told me/ contacted me to tell me it's over, but I don't want to hear from her.

Regardless of my feelings for her, I'm not going to tolerate her behaviour anymore. I just feel sorry for her next host. Like in the film Alien, but much worse.

Edited August 26, 2022 by Simyboye

[Lauriebell82]

47 minutes ago, Simyboye said:

This is not true. They don't always come back. She has a small window then shuts down. And moves on.

I'm not expecting her to contact in any form. All I care about is healing the pain. She hasn't told me/ contacted me to tell me it's over, but I don't want to hear from her.

Regardless of my feelings for her, I'm not going to tolerate her behaviour anymore. I just feel sorry for her next host. Like in the film Alien, but much worse.

You sound like you are really angry (which is normal) but what you have to understand about her attachment style as compared to your’s is why she behaves this way towards you. It does not excuse her behavior, but what I have come to understand is that avoidants have issues just like anxious do..its just for a different reason. If you can empathize and understand instead of get angry and resentful, then not only does it lower the anxiety, but makes it easier to make relationships work and reach a more secure base. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Simyboye said:

Regardless of my feelings for her, I'm not going to tolerate her behaviour anymore.

It's good to have resolve if you hate her this much, but if it goes out the window when the opportunity for sex presents itself it's just going to keep cycling around like this. It's up to you to step off the merry-go-round and find better opportunities.

[stillafool]

On 8/16/2022 at 11:37 AM, Simyboye said:

Thanks again people. 

Went to see her today, I told her everything and told her we'll be friends. She said no. So I told her all my issues, so we'll see where it goes. I'll give it 48 hours.

Circles? Bloody circles. Must be 4-5th time.

Women move BF into the friend zone, (don't mean to be sexist) so they don't hate them.

Thanks again to you all.

James

 

Why are you trying to be her friend after the way she has treated you?  Having her as a friend would set you back from getting over her and healing.  You don't need her in your life.  Let her go for good.  Be strong in your decisions and she'll have more respect for you.  She sees you as weak and that turns her off.  How old are you OP?

Edited August 26, 2022 by stillafool

[Simyboye]

I'm not angry as much as I'm perplexed/ very sad and low as to why she treated me like this. I had problems with another ex and seeing my son. This is now sorted.

I'm being selfish here. I now know I'm an AA. I wasn't an AA until I met her. I'm working on this. I have extra support from other people.

Hatred, anger of any other negative thoughts is not going to get me feeling better. However, I could have been in a really bad car accident, yet because of a poor joke, her loss of attraction to me, whatever, does not excuse her ghosting. It's pathetic. She hasn't made contact to dump me, or text to called it off. I'm left hanging, so I'm getting on with it. If I think too much about this, I could say, she was texting men when I was with her, but was told it's her old school male friends. Bullshit.

The other thing is that I still love her, which I'm trying to stop. She told me she loves me 2 weeks ago. Obviously not. Just empty words from her.

As regards to being friends with her, is an old message now. That's what I offered to her, back then. Now, I just want to get better and feel secure in myself. I'm venting on this forum, yet you people are being upfront and helpful. No nastiness. I appreciate it. x

I need to recover, no dating. Just breathe and sort this pain and suffering.

I'm 47. A Fire Fighter.

Edited August 26, 2022 by Simyboye

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Simyboye said:

I'm 47. A Fire Fighter.

So you're younger than her with a great career.  Why are you sad over losing this woman when the world is your oyster?

[Simyboye]

Because we had a great connection when we got on. But over time it broke down. I learned a lot from it. 

Doesn't stop my feelings towards her. I can stop loving her, not in 7 days. 

[Simyboye]

Hi people.

I think that I'm suffering with infatuation and limerence with the ex. Regardless of blame, I have some work to do. I think that my past history going back to a childhood has me projecting my wants and needs onto her. Unhealthy.

I've no idea why this particular woman has me behaving like this, but here it is. I've tried to be impartial with my posts but it's still my words and my thoughts. Yes, she is a DA and yes, she has treated me poorly, but where's my self respect, my self worth? If I was more secure, I would have stood my ground, I would have walked... Excuse, excuse.

Thank you for all your continued support and help.

 

[glows]

28 minutes ago, Simyboye said:

Hi people.

I think that I'm suffering with infatuation and limerence with the ex. Regardless of blame, I have some work to do. I think that my past history going back to a childhood has me projecting my wants and needs onto her. Unhealthy.

I've no idea why this particular woman has me behaving like this, but here it is. I've tried to be impartial with my posts but it's still my words and my thoughts. Yes, she is a DA and yes, she has treated me poorly, but where's my self respect, my self worth? If I was more secure, I would have stood my ground, I would have walked... Excuse, excuse.

Thank you for all your continued support and help.

 

Be patient with yourself and don’t have any further contact with her. This will pass. It wasn’t a good match.

[chillii]

Hi op.

You've been through a lot in life and in love , and your a sensitive person but unfortunately she's at the other end of who you are and what you are about. She sounds entitled , cold , a terrible nature and hard, self pedestal-ling and she's well aware you have much stronger feelings than she does making her even more so.

l'm sorry man l know you have a fatal attraction to her, it can happen with people like her but she's so opposite to what you really need and taking you so backwards in your own recovery, she's pretty well poison to you, l know you know that. But it should and would be the exact opposite with a real partner , a warm supportive caring and loving human-being and they are out there believe me, stay strong eh, and stay away from her. l know it's not easy but the right thing by ourselves brings good stuff later on, light at the end of the tunnel and a chance at genuine happiness, the real stuff with the right person. Good luck.

[Simyboye]

Chillii. 

You've summed it up to a tee. Thank you. I almost started to type a letter to send to her yesterday, but didn't. 

I have a whiteboard that I've put all the things she's done to me. One that popped up after reading your post was this don't give a f&&k attitude. Like a passive aggressive way. Because she was adopted and religious school. Made her fiercely independent. Along with other things.  

She was so open and gentle when I first met her, didn't last long. Like 4 weeks long. Only thing is that she's a nurse and I'm a fire fighter so our paths will cross. I'll just make sure I'm doing well if I see her. 

And yes she is poison to me. 

Thank you so much for your reply. You made my day. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Simyboye said:

I have a whiteboard that I've put all the things she's done to me. 

Why not discontinue the injustice collecting and labelling?. It serves no purpose and keeps your mind in this limbo of love/hate you're stuck in.

All you have to do is delete and block her from all your social media and messaging apps.

 

 

[chillii]

Ahhh, suppose it wasn't exactly a good news story op butttt, l think most would be pretty worried about you getting through this if you didn't get away from her.

Best of luck anyway .

[Simyboye]

Thanks very much for your help. Really appreciate it. 

One day at a time. 

[Simyboye]

Hi guys.

Hope you're all well?

I think things have changed as my intrusive thoughts and feelings are easing. I'm spending time on myself and being kind. No more desperation to contact her. I do miss her but it's all a blur now, the good things. Which ones were real and what ones were fake. I don't know now. I'll put the whole thing down to one of life's experiences. It was never love. I'm okay with this.

I got told off here for labelling people etc, I'm not a professional either. But I watched a YT video that explained everything I had gone though, with the circles and patterns. 

My calendar is now full of smiley faces. 

With love and kind thoughts to you all. This site has helped more than all the therapies I'm spending my money on. Thank you. James x

[Gaeta]

5 hours ago, Simyboye said:

With love and kind thoughts to you all. This site has helped more than all the therapies I'm spending my money on. Thank you. James x

It's hard to let go when we feel deeply and have given the best of ourselves to someone. If your love is that strong imagine how it could be with someone that genuinely loves you back. Once you experience that type of love you will never go back to mediocre love.

Stay strong!

[Simyboye]

Hi guys. 

I've been having good and bad days, but they are getting better.

I thought it was my love, but my brain is now getting confused with all the things said, heard and done etc. This is a good thing as I no longer recognise what was real.  

She works about 500m from my fire station. I haven't seen her. If I do, I'll just play it as I'm really happy and content.

Sincerely, thanks for all your help. Wouldn't have got through this without you all. x

 

I had a phone date this morning, she sounds lovely. She's very keen, she has been victim to abuse before. So, we'll meet up and see what happens. 

Edited September 13, 2022 by Simyboye

[Gaeta]

On 9/13/2022 at 9:37 AM, Simyboye said:

I had a phone date this morning, she sounds lovely. She's very keen, she has been victim to abuse before. So, we'll meet up and see what happens. 

Why has this come up during a first conversation? Sounds like neither of you are ready to date. Do not look into bonding over common drama, it's dangerous. 

[Simyboye]

Hi. 

So went out for a date, was very polite and kind and sweet. 

Video called her today after she's been watching the Queen thing. Then got shitty with me saying she's got no time to video call like me. Then said bye and gone. 

I'm such a fool. She's history. 

[Wiseman2]

29 minutes ago, Simyboye said:

went out for a date, was very polite and kind and sweet. Video called her today after she's been watching the Queen thing. Then got shitty with me saying she's got no time to video call like me.

Skip all the videocalls. Instead ask her out again.