Dismissive Avoidant GF and hot and cold behaviour

[glows]

You're better off not being friends and ripping it off like a bandaid, leaving yourself in peace to heal and move forwards. Don't stay stuck in a situation that no longer works or live in ongoing pain. It'll get better. Give yourself a chance to move on.

[Simyboye]

Glows. Thanks. I don't think I have endured so much turmoil, pain or suffering as I have with one person. I've have some really rough periods in my life with abuse, bullying, abandonment etc. Yet, this is more painful than anything I could compare to.

But, like an idiot, I go back for more. For what? The trauma bond? Breaking up is nothing compared to this amount of pain.

I'm perplexed as to why?

I'm getting stronger everyday, moving forward. But it must be Karma or something.

 

I thank you all.

[Simyboye]

Hi, 

So I went to the the DA GF again today. Was really looking forward to seeing her. She's quite poorly, so gave her some space, one cuddle and no kiss. I'm running on fumes with her now.

I suffer with chronic fatigue of 30 years, My fatigue gets triggered with stress, arguments etc. I have to live my life as calm and stress free. 

I know you'll gonna give me s*** for this, but I typed this up from love actually, modified to fit my situation. If I tried to say this, I'd forget and screw it up. Here it is..

Imagine your partner put a lot of effort into her, only to discover that it feels one sided? He wanted it more than her. She often, spoke about herself and didn't seem interested in him. Leaving him feeling uninteresting, Making inappropriate comments, or dodging questions when it was anything to do with her feelings, or being told he's over analysing  her. He's just trying to get to know her, understand her. Would you wait to see if things improved? Would you stay if life could be a little bit better? Or would you cut and run? Does she have the skills to be in a relationship? Or is it just  convenient to her? Or does she just not have the incentive to go anywhere with him?

Thanks

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, Simyboye said:

 I went to the the DA GF again today. I suffer with chronic fatigue of 30 years, My fatigue gets triggered with stress, arguments etc.

Focus on taking care of yourself and your custody situation. Make sure you follow up with your physician and therapist. 

Try to get away from trendy labels that pigeonhole people into objects rather than dealing with the actual dynamic of this. You're unhappy and not compatible and need to let go.

[Simyboye]

Hi, 

So I went to the the DA GF again today. Was really looking forward to seeing her. She's quite poorly, so gave her some space, one cuddle and no kiss. I'm running on fumes with her now. If I'm not with her, I'd be able to breathe and for get about her in hours. However she has something that attracts me link a really strong magnet.

I've embraced my AA and working on that daily. I'm seeing a psychologist. I'm doing a lot. Her, she told me that she's who she is and not going to change. May as well say, accept it or f**k off. Blunt as that. She's rude in a funny way, but gets boring real quick.

I suffer with chronic fatigue of 30 years, My fatigue gets triggered with stress, arguments etc. I have to live my life as calm and stress free. 

I know you'll gonna give me s*** for this, but I typed this up from love actually, modified to fit my situation. If I tried to tell her this, I'd forget and screw it up. Here it is..

Imagine your partner put a lot of effort into her, only to discover that it still feels one sided? He wanted it more than her. She often, spoke about herself and didn't seem interested in him. Leaving him feeling unimportant, Making inappropriate comments, or dodging questions when it was anything to do with her feelings, or being told he's over analysing  her (she doesn't do feeling so I've been told). He's just trying to get to know her, understand her. Would you wait to see if things improved? Would you stay if life could be a little bit better? Or would you cut and run? Does she have the skills to be in a strong relationship? Or is it just  convenience for her? Or does she just not have the incentive to go anywhere with him?

Thanks

I know that most is going to say, leave, tell her, or something else but this really is groundhog day, slowly going nowhere.

I can mirror her behaviour without being spiteful, but I'm starting to feel I'm getting better and deserve better. I think/ hope she will appreciate her loss but even I know the answer to this.

[S2B]

There is no point in wasting time and energy for her to be a decent person for dating! She doesn’t meet YOUR needs. End of story!

she hasn’t been a decent GF = she be an even lousier friend!

just end it! That leaves space to find a better match for you!

[Simyboye]

So, I'm making the move.

Called off meeting up, made a joke that she didn't find funny, told her I'll take a rain check for catching up. I've made a list of why to walk away. 16 reasons. And reasons to stay, 3 at a push. There's a trauma bond thing going on here. I feel numb towards her, feel pain, fear and heartache . Enough of all this bullshit.

I will never be good enough for the wrong person.

She won't change minor things that'd make a world of difference to me. But I don't want to change her.

 

Thanks guys

 

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Simyboye said:

I will never be good enough for the wrong person.

This is great insight. Just end it if you want the pain to stop.

[Simyboye]

Day 1. Ghosted.

Blessing in disguise.

Doesn't want to be around me, doesn't want me to know what she's doing. 

She's showing me her character now.

[glows]

15 minutes ago, Simyboye said:

Day 1. Ghosted.

Blessing in disguise.

Doesn't want to be around me, doesn't want me to know what she's doing. 

She's showing me her character now.

Don’t contact her anymore. This isn’t working. I’m sorry but she doesn’t feel the same way about you considering she was hot/cold and appeared to be backing out and annoyed with you for wanting more out of her. The interest was very low.

Rely more on support such as your doctors or therapy and keep putting yourself first, not this thing that didn’t work out. It’ll get better. 

Edited August 20, 2022 by glows

[Simyboye]

Glows. I've been kind, caring, loving. Been a gentleman for her. But this treatment from her is just ridiculous. I've exhausted all my friends and contacts to help her, life be a little easier, cheaper or whatever else, for her.

I've been an idiot in the past, leaving love notes on her car, sending her love letters, to be told I can't spell for s***, or poor grammar. I've opened my heart to her more than anyone else.

Whatever I have done, possibly smothered her through caring, or just my pure existence does not justify this behaviour.

I'm in therapy for my FA type style. She just thinks she's got it all in order. She only told me the other day, she doesn't want to live her life without me. Then this.

I'm glad, I can breathe now. I'll miss the cuddles and other things. But enough.

Thanks to you all for your help and not being spiteful to me. Much appreciated. x

[Gaeta]

29 minutes ago, Simyboye said:

Day 1. Ghosted.

Blessing in disguise.

Doesn't want to be around me, doesn't want me to know what she's doing. 

She's showing me her character now.

Did you wish to follow her social mediia? That would have made things so much worst for you.

[Simyboye]

I'm anti social media platforms. So no.

I'm not going to snoop on her.

I'll delete all her numbers, messages etc

[Gaeta]

34 minutes ago, Simyboye said:

 doesn't want me to know what she's doing

If you're not on social media then what did you mean by that?

[Simyboye]

I mean by her ghosting me, she doesn't want me to know what's she's doing.

My poor grammar.

[Gaeta]

3 hours ago, Simyboye said:

I mean by her ghosting me, she doesn't want me to know what's she's doing.

I don't think so. It's just a power trip on her part. I don't think she cares about what you know or don't. It's all about her and the power she has over others.

[Simyboye]

It's all part of her being mysterious and alouf. 

I don't want to agree with you on this but she's from an upper class family. Perhaps that's why she acts like the entitled child. 

Thank you 

[Simyboye]

Morning. Hope all well?

Thought I'd let you know, day 3. No contact. She won't come back from no contact because she's lost interest, doesn't respect me and not attracted to me.

She was off with me on the phone, I cancelled going round to stay because I though there'd be an atmosphere. And has called all this. I didn't argue with her, I wasn't rude...

I typed up my thoughts and feelings in my journal. I'm not going to send it. But after typing it, realized it's all about her. Her narrative. I'm even wondering if she actually loved me, she told me this maybe 3 times in 10 months, even then it sounded fake, never had that before.

Also, was I just used for bedroom activities? Because there's not a great deal of anything else.

Just venting. Thanks for all your input. Appreciate it.

Have a great day.

James

 

[ohjess]

You leave. People are a slave to their habits and what they do once, they will do again. 

[ohjess]

On 8/19/2022 at 4:53 AM, Simyboye said:

Hi, 

So I went to the the DA GF again today. Was really looking forward to seeing her. She's quite poorly, so gave her some space, one cuddle and no kiss. I'm running on fumes with her now.

I suffer with chronic fatigue of 30 years, My fatigue gets triggered with stress, arguments etc. I have to live my life as calm and stress free. 

I know you'll gonna give me s*** for this, but I typed this up from love actually, modified to fit my situation. If I tried to say this, I'd forget and screw it up. Here it is..

Imagine your partner put a lot of effort into her, only to discover that it feels one sided? He wanted it more than her. She often, spoke about herself and didn't seem interested in him. Leaving him feeling uninteresting, Making inappropriate comments, or dodging questions when it was anything to do with her feelings, or being told he's over analysing  her. He's just trying to get to know her, understand her. Would you wait to see if things improved? Would you stay if life could be a little bit better? Or would you cut and run? Does she have the skills to be in a relationship? Or is it just  convenient to her? Or does she just not have the incentive to go anywhere with him?

Thanks

We do know what this is like, most of us have encountered it but you have to move on. Stop rationalising her behaviour. 

[BaileyB]

On 8/16/2022 at 10:37 AM, Simyboye said:

Went to see her today, I told her everything and told her we'll be friends. She said no.

That’s not her decision, it’s yours.

“Love” is usually the reason why people justify holding onto an unhealthy relationship. I’m glad you are getting some counselling… I see some patterns here in the kind of women you are choosing as relationship partners. May I suggest that you have a little work to do before you find another relationship. 

[Gaeta]

On 8/22/2022 at 4:42 AM, Simyboye said:

I'm even wondering if she actually loved me, she told me this maybe 3 times in 10 months, even then it sounded fake, never had that before.

What you're experiencing sounds more like withdrawal than love. There is nothing good for you to go back to yet you want it bad. You talked about you & her bonding over trauma, if ever your trauma is addiction, even if you've been clean for years, the addiction personality never goes away, it's simply transfered into other aspects of your life....like addiction to drama, dysfunctional relationships, abuse, etc. 

If it resonates with you , please look into it. 

[Simyboye]

Hi Gaeta

All of it resonates with me. Just got back from the counselling and was particularly upsetting. All about the  ex GF. Today is a bad day.

I used to take oxycodone, but stopped them. I know what coming off opioids are like. As for her, I feel worse from her. I just didn't see it coming, I though we was good. Shame on me. It's like some sort of twisted game. She was off with me on a video call, I made a joke about her being miserable, of which she didn't find funny to this?? WTF?

The counsellor asked if I had apologised to her? I'm not going to open up a line of communication with her. Her bad day/ mood + my bad joke = being ghosted and NC'd? She can go forth.

Thanks again to you all.

[Lauriebell82]

On 8/15/2022 at 1:18 PM, Simyboye said:

Hi

My 10 month relationship with my GF 50YO started off like a whirlwind, amazing until one of her wheels fell off, (she ghosted me). Back then I was seriously questioning what I had done? We spoke about it and sorted it. She's had a rough start in life, haven't we all?

I discovered that I was an Anxious attachment type, so I got to work with regards to that. Work in progress.

However, more recently, she's started going hot and cold over me, one minute she's all over me, then when she leaves, turns into a fridge with little communications.

I'm far from perfect, but I'm working on my demons. I'm keeping a diary and sad faces on my calendar regarding how we are. To be honest, I'm investing far too much time, feeling like I'm an option and not a priority and so today I offered her the " lets be friends" of which she doesn't want. If you read this and are going to just criticize me, slag me off etc, please, just don't. I haven't got much armour left.

I'm sad, I love her and regardless of the effort I put in, it's one sided. I have to suffer in silence and wait until I'm wanted again, like a toy.

Jeez, this sounds awful. Why am I doing this? I love her, but I just don't think she want's it as much as I do.

Any advice would be welcomed.

Thanks

Hi! Fellow recovering anxiously attached right here. I attract avoidants like wild fire. Everyone I have ever been in a relationship has been an avoidant, including my ex husband (and father of my children) and my current boyfriend of 5 years. My current boyfriend is probably the least avoidant person I have been with however, as he is more of a fearful avoidant, rather then a dismissive. He will at times go hot and cold but it pales in comparison to previous partners and I have learned to cope by leading my own very busy life with my kids, my house, my friends, ect. This has helped tremendously. Having a life outside my boyfriend has by far helped not only my relationship, but my anxious attachment in general. I am far more secure then I ever was previously in any other relationship! 

I think if you are going to be in a relationship with someone with avoidant tendencies then be prepared to build up your own life and match their effort of what they put into the relationship. What I mean is don't over invest so that you are doing way more then they are. Match their efforts equally. But if this person is SO avoidant that basically they don't show up, don't call, don't text back, fall off the map on a regular basis and go long stretches without communicating with you (like a few days or more) then get the hell out and quickly! Don't drive yourself nuts (especially being anxious!) and potentially triggering yourself over a relationship that will run you ragged! I have made that mistake in the past with very dismissive partners who just couldn't show up when needed. The difference between them and my current boyfriend is that while he may have a tendency to not be as quick as I am, he shows up when needed and is very reliable. This is key. 

Edited August 24, 2022 by Lauriebell82

[Simyboye]

Hi, thanks

I have been in about 4 long term relationships since 19. All has been fine. This one seems to bring the very worst anxiety out of me. Yet the attraction is so strong. Enough is enough though. You doing what you're doing is amazing. Pure bravery.

I don't roll that way. You want to be with me, fine. If you are going to pick me up and drop me when suits, you can find someone else.

I've worked hard here, she's who she is, no exemption. Like it or leave it. I'll leave it thanks. She might reach out, but I'll not enter into a line of comms with her.

I will never be good enough for the wrong person.

I'm a serving fire fighter of 20 years, a dad of 10 years, an ex who's mad as a march hare. Nothing compares to this woman. Nothing.

Thanks

x