He reached out (something random) nearly a year after we broke up.

[Pandora2018]

I met this guy on campus (we are both in grad school in our mid/late 20s) about a year ago and we dated briefly (just a few months) but it we had strong feelings for each other, he was truly a kind and wholesome person, had a good time. Unfortunately, it ended because he felt like he wasnt able to deal with the fact that our careers were going in different directions, he felt like I would be entering the job market earlier than him, he wouldnt be able to support me in the way he wanted, and that I might leave him etc, all things that never even crossed my minr or things I would even think of. He questioned why I liked him, and felt like I would find someone "better" and he had very little faith in himself unfortunately. He said he wanted to focus on himself and his career and we said goodbye. I wanted to make things work out but he couldnt be convinced otherwise. After that, it's not even like we remained causal friends. we hardly ever talked and I have texted him 3-4 times randomly just asking him how he's doing and he would reply kindly and politely, but never pursue the conversation further thatn 1-2 things. 

He's a genuine, and serious - typer of person who doesn't even use dating apps honestly. Over the past year, I have thought of him hence, my texts to him but they never went anywhere. This past week, I decided that i was going to just ask him out to coffee - nothing to lose. 

Just 3 days ago/this weekend, I was studying at a library on campus, and I posted something on instagram (the views through the library windows - which was actualyl quite beautiful). I;ve posted other things on my instagram before and he would always peek at them (I could see he viewed them on my story). Anyway,  that day (Saturday) OUT of NOWHERE he texts me this: Hey (name), how have you been? I saw what you posted and it looks like a great study spot   

So I replied and we texted a bit back and forth (and he was mutually engaged in convo) but as it turns out, he moved closer to campus this year/the library and then he asked me where it was, to which I replied vaguely that it was one of hte campus buildings. Anyway, we did chat a bit more/small talk but when I replied back to something he said yesterday early afternoon (Sunday), he didnt reply until THIS MORNING ( Monday) and he merely answered it (something about his work) without taking the convo any further than that. That was this morning. 

For some reason, I thought it might be more than that, but I guess not. Ive heard from many friends over the past year that I should more on etc, but easier said, than done of course and I just wonder now, if the reason why he texted me in the first place was because he was just curious about where the study spot was! 😢

would appreciate various input. no need to state the obvious (I should move on etc) thank you!

Edited August 15, 2022 by Pandora2018

[Gaeta]

You are young with your whole life ahead of you, you have plenty of time to make mistakes and learn from them so go ahead and invite him to grab a coffee in a cool place !!

I'm an older lady, in my 50s, and you know what I regret the most? is to not have taken chances more when I was your age! Rejection doesn't kill, it builds you up! 

Edited August 15, 2022 by Gaeta

[Pandora2018]

Just now, Gaeta said:

You are young with your whole life ahead of you, you have plenty of time to make mistakes and learn from them so go ahead and invite him to grab a coffee in a cool place !!

I'm an older lady, in my 50s, and you know what I regret the most? is to not have taken chances more when I was your age! Rejection doesn't kill, it builds you up! 

But why do you think he texted? do you think he texted because he was just really curious where the study spot was (since he saw in the original post on my instagram that it was near campus) and also, dont you think the fact that he didnt continue further in the convo means that he is also over me/doesnt intend on doing anything else? 

I feel like I would just be disrespecting myself if I pursue him since it doesnt seem like he is keen on making a move either 😢😢😢😢

[Gaeta]

5 minutes ago, Pandora2018 said:

I feel like I would just be disrespecting myself if I pursue him since it doesnt seem like he is keen on making a move either 😢😢😢😢

I did not tell you to pursue him, I told you to suggest a coffee in a cool place. If he's not interested he'll find an excuse and it ends there. That's not pursuing. 

I'm sure 99% he did not text to know where the study spot was. He text to see if you'd reply, if you still like him, and he used the study spot as an excuse. Maybe he was just looking for some validation and attention, who knows. 

Is he genuinely interested? I have no clue. Could seeing each other face to face start something new? It could happen. 

[Pandora2018]

22 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I did not tell you to pursue him, I told you to suggest a coffee in a cool place. If he's not interested he'll find an excuse and it ends there. That's not pursuing. 

I'm sure 99% he did not text to know where the study spot was. He text to see if you'd reply, if you still like him, and he used the study spot as an excuse. Maybe he was just looking for some validation and attention, who knows. 

Is he genuinely interested? I have no clue. Could seeing each other face to face start something new? It could happen. 

Do you think he could have still texted me if he was just looking for attention (if he was also seeing already dating someone at the moment)? 

but I just wonder why he hasnt texted anything further. He knows I liked him from last year when we were texting - and just... is he playing around with me? 

[Blind-Sided]

ok... here's the deal.  You can have him as a friend !!

Some of my longest, and best friends are girls. (I'm a guy) I'm glad to have them... and I would never go past any lines with them. I know some people say guys and girls can't be friends... but they absolutely can be.  There were several who really kept my spirits up during my divorce. 

As @Gaeta said... take a chance, and just ask him to get coffee, and hang out.  Who knows... you may get a life long friend out of it.  (or the love that didn't develop before) 

[NuevoYorko]

He gave you at least 9 different reasons why he wanted you two to go your seperate ways.  He was pretty clear in the way he responded to your texts since your breakup that he was not interested in anything.   You've been broken up at least a year.  

IMO that all adds up to a lot more than any secret coded meanings in his response to your IG post.  It's probably that he just wondered where it was.  If he wanted to rekindle anything,  I think he knows already that his chances with you are good.  But he is not.

There is nothing wrong with inviting him to coffee but I question why you would choose to do this.  I concur with your friends - move on.  Right away!  

[Ami1uwant]

10 minutes ago, Pandora2018 said:

Do you think he could have still texted me if he was just looking for attention (if he was also seeing already dating someone at the moment)? 

but I just wonder why he hasnt texted anything further. He knows I liked him from last year when we were texting - and just... is he playing around with me? 

There are many things this could mean.

 

my educated guess coming from a guy.

 

he had interest in you but the ending was from exterior things not necessarily from what was going on in the relationship.

 

a year later he might have had regrets so he throws this out there to see if he can talk to you again.  Maybe he realized his mistakes.

[Pandora2018]

2 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

There are many things this could mean.

 

my educated guess coming from a guy.

 

he had interest in you but the ending was from exterior things not necessarily from what was going on in the relationship.

 

a year later he might have had regrets so he throws this out there to see if he can talk to you again.  Maybe he realized his mistakes.

but even if he realized those mistakes, he doesnt intend on doing anything further i.e. asking me out or saying anything substantive. I mean am I just kicking myself if I do ask him to coffee? Im sure if he was going to say yes, he would have asked me himself already. 

[Ami1uwant]

10 minutes ago, Pandora2018 said:

but even if he realized those mistakes, he doesnt intend on doing anything further i.e. asking me out or saying anything substantive. I mean am I just kicking myself if I do ask him to coffee? Im sure if he was going to say yes, he would have asked me himself already. 

Just ask him for coffee and see what happens

[Pandora2018]

For anyone who thinks it wouldnt hurt to ask him out to coffee 

Do you guys think there is more than a 1% chance he would say yes?

Bc if that number is likely very close to zero, I think I would rather not 😭😭😭😭😭

and if I do ask: how exactly should I word my question? 😭😭😭

thank you internet strangers !

Edited August 15, 2022 by Pandora2018

[Gaeta]

12 minutes ago, Pandora2018 said:

but even if he realized those mistakes, he doesnt intend on doing anything further i.e. asking me out or saying anything substantive. I mean am I just kicking myself if I do ask him to coffee? Im sure if he was going to say yes, he would have asked me himself already. 

He is the one who dumped you, he may be afraid  you'll reject him. Men have insecurities as well. 

Suggesting to grab a coffee will solve it for you.

A) He accepts and you slowly rekindle your relationship

B) He finds an excuse to not go and you instantly know he's not interested so you don't spend the next 3 months trying to read between the lines.

[Gaeta]

4 minutes ago, Pandora2018 said:

Bc if that number is likely very close to zero, I think I would rather not 😭😭😭😭😭

So between knowing for sure he's not interested and continuing to torture yourself.....you take the torture?

[Pandora2018]

Just now, Gaeta said:

So between knowing for sure he's not interested and continuing to torture yourself.....you take the torture?

oh... you're so right! but how exactly should I phrase the coffee thing? Not sure exactly what I should say😪

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Pandora2018 said:

oh... you're so right! but how exactly should I phrase the coffee thing? Not sure exactly what I should say😪

Hey John! About grabbing a coffee at that xyz coffee place on Park avenue, let's say tomorrow. It would be fun to catch up!

If he has an excuse to not go and does not offer an alternative...you got your answer. Then you block him so he won't bother your heart again. Get a new haircut, new outfit and go out with your girlfriends. Life goes on! 

 

[mark clemson]

Let's assume he's not interested in re-kindling, but you ask him to coffee.

I think there are guys who are happy to be "friends" after dating (which takes a lot of emotional maturity) and guys who understandably prefer not to. If he's the first type I'd say there's a ballpark 25% or higher chance he'll agree to coffee with you. If he's the latter, it's more like 1%, unless he himself is interested in rekindling. You know him, we don't, so you'd have to sort out which type you think he is and/or where you think his head's at.

What do YOU want?  The subtext I'm getting here is that you want to rekindle things. If that's to happen, one or the other of you will need to take a risk of rejection. He's reached out, but now that's on the verge of fizzling/losing timeliness. So, if you want there to be a possibility of something happening, you'll have to "make the move".

IF he says no to coffee, you have your answer and can move on. If he says yes, it doesn't mean he's interested in rekindling but he might be, and you could explore that when you meet. If you pass on asking him there will be "nothing ventured, nothing gained" (which might be emotionally easier, and maybe actually a good option IF you have significant other romantic possibilities).

Edited August 15, 2022 by mark clemson

[Pandora2018]

3 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Let's assume he's not interested in re-kindling, but you ask him to coffee.

I think there are guys who are happy to be "friends" after dating (which takes a lot of emotional maturity) and guys who understandably prefer not to. If he's the first type I'd say there's a ballpark 25% or higher chance he'll agree to coffee with you. If he's the latter, it's more like 1%, unless he himself is interested in rekindling. You know him, we don't, so you'd have to sort out which type you think he is and/or where you think his head's at.

What do YOU want?  The subtext I'm getting here is that you want to rekindle things. If that's to happen, one or the other of you will need to take a risk of rejection. He's reached out, but now that's on the verge of fizzling/losing timeliness. So, if you want there to be a possibility of something happening, you'll have to "make the move".

IF he says no to coffee, you have your answer and can move on. If he says yes, it doesn't mean he's interested in rekindling but he might be, and you could explore that when you meet. If you pass on asking him there will be "nothing ventured, nothing gained" (which might be emotionally easier, and maybe actually a good option IF you have significant other romantic possibilities).

Thank you for your thoughtful input. I guess I havent been able to move on (which has also prevented me from really giving other ppl a chance) because I feel like for some reason, there was never full closure on this. He is of the 2nd type (he is generally very serious in life, isnt the kind to make small talk and we didnt "stay friends" after the breakup) 

Over the past year, even though I have texted him, with a casual: hey How are you? a few times, those never went anywhere beyond a couple of exchanges. 

I guess my only hesitation in asking him out is if I would basically be insulting myself, disrspecting my own dignity if the signs are SO APPARENT that he isnt interested (and MAYBE after all, he was just interested in knowing where the study space was, and nothing more), and I ask him out in vain. How stupid and ridiculous does that make me? 

There's being: hopeful VS.  being pathetic and I dont want to send the text if its going to be so obvious that Im losing myself here. 

Please advise. Honesty appreciated... thank you!

[stillafool]

8 minutes ago, Pandora2018 said:

Please advise. Honesty appreciated... thank you!

I think you've gotten some solid advice.  It's up to you to make the decision whether to ask him for coffee or not.

[Gaeta]

48 minutes ago, Pandora2018 said:

I guess my only hesitation in asking him out is if I would basically be insulting myself, disrspecting my own dignity

Where does this come from? Inviting someone for a coffee is nowhere near the category of insulting one self. If he had declined several times and you kept going back then yes, I'd say where is your pride but you have nothing to lose here, certainly not your integrity. It may sting your ego, that's about it.

[Pandora2018]

ok thank you all. whether good or bad, i will text him and get it over with and finally move on with my life once and for all. 

About to channel ALL of this energy into WORK  

[Gaeta]

Keep us posted !! Good luck!

[Pandora2018]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

Where does this come from? Inviting someone for a coffee is nowhere near the category of insulting one self. If he had declined several times and you kept going back then yes, I'd say where is your pride but you have nothing to lose here, certainly not your integrity. It may sting your ego, that's about it.

Update for all those who have so kindly conotributed to this thread: 

I didnt say much but simply texted him to ask if he was free later in the week to coffee.

He said: he would love to catch up and get coffee but isn't interested in a new relationship. 

So now I must move on. Do I even watn to get that coffee "just to catch up"? I dont know. 

[alphamale]

1 hour ago, Pandora2018 said:

ok thank you all. whether good or bad, i will text him and get it over with and finally move on with my life once and for all. 

About to channel ALL of this energy into WORK  

Do you really want to be w/someone who has serious self esteem issues or someone who just used you for sex? He probably made up those stories about your careers just to extricate himself from the “relationship “

[Gaeta]

23 minutes ago, Pandora2018 said:

He said: he would love to catch up and get coffee but isn't interested in a new relationship. 

So now I must move on. Do I even watn to get that coffee "just to catch up"? I dont know. 

I'm sorry l know you're disappointed. Aren't you glad you did it though! Now there is no more anxiety and wondering.

No, you don't want to catch up. Block him and look forward to the endless possibiliies in front of you!

[NuevoYorko]

2 hours ago, Pandora2018 said:

Do I even watn to get that coffee "just to catch up"? I dont know. 

Obviously you do not.  You want to rekindle and you have been hanging onto the idea for a year.  Time to let it go and move on.  Block him.