He reached out (something random) nearly a year after we broke up.

[IrinaM]

10 hours ago, Pandora2018 said:

I met this guy on campus (we are both in grad school in our mid/late 20s)

 

10 hours ago, Pandora2018 said:

it ended because he felt like he wasnt able to deal with the fact that our careers were going in different directions

These two things are totally incongruous^^^. It seems like you were/are similar people at similar spots in your life with similar goals. It's not like one of you is an attorney and the other is on onlyfans. His excuses to break up with you were lame, and he pretended there were problems that were issues for you, when you had never thought of these alleged "problems." Usually when a man breaks up with a woman because "you're too good for me," it just means this person wants to keep you on ice for a bit. They don't want to tell you the truth, which is that they don't desire to commit to you but might circle back later.

I'm sorry but I agree with your gut instinct that asking him to meet up compromised your dignity. This man knows full well that you still want him, as evidenced by his response. What you can do now is damage control, by never interacting with him again. If he texts you or messages you, ignore it. Move on with your life.

[chillii]

l think he's poking about , feeling it out, but l doubt very much whatever he's doing will amount to anything tbh sorry. He has no certainty about you at all, most likely just at a bit of a loss right now and has thought about you over the yrs but only in those ways,

You could have a coffee or meal , just be ready for it not amounting to anything or just a fling,but he doesn't even sound fussed anyway even about that.

[Wiseman2]

It's ok to keep in touch and stay friends. However Why not start dating others so this can be put in perspective?

[Pandora2018]

6 hours ago, IrinaM said:

 

These two things are totally incongruous^^^. It seems like you were/are similar people at similar spots in your life with similar goals. It's not like one of you is an attorney and the other is on onlyfans. His excuses to break up with you were lame, and he pretended there were problems that were issues for you, when you had never thought of these alleged "problems." Usually when a man breaks up with a woman because "you're too good for me," it just means this person wants to keep you on ice for a bit. They don't want to tell you the truth, which is that they don't desire to commit to you but might circle back later.

I'm sorry but I agree with your gut instinct that asking him to meet up compromised your dignity. This man knows full well that you still want him, as evidenced by his response. What you can do now is damage control, by never interacting with him again. If he texts you or messages you, ignore it. Move on with your life.

actually while we are at the same school, we are in two very different programs and while i dont care about finances, he mentioned things like income potential and was worried that because in a few years after i finish my program, i would be making potentially 5-10x than him, that he would feel "less than" etc. Again, these things did not even occur to me, but this was a symptom of a much larger issue in which he felt like he couldn't be on equal footing with me in a relationship - largely due to the fact that he grew up in a very traditional household where the guy is the breadwinner etc. 

I mean, cant hurt to have him around as a friend, right? it's not like i asked him out many times over the year. Ive only asked this once. and i would have been fine if not for the fact that he randomly came back around and started convo with me..

[smackie9]

So you are saying he dumped you because you potentially would be making more money than him?  Oh girl punt this dude to the curb. Forget about coffee, he's not worth it, not even for a coffee chat. 

[Gaeta]

3 hours ago, Pandora2018 said:

I mean, cant hurt to have him around as a friend, right? it's not like i asked him out many times over the year. Ive only asked this once. and i would have been fine if not for the fact that he randomly came back around and started convo with me..

His reasons for breaking up with you are BS. A man that cared would have been proud of you and support you to reach your full professional potential. 

He's not worth of your friendship. You know that self-worth you were talking about earlier? Now is time act by it. Walk away. 

[mark clemson]

14 hours ago, Pandora2018 said:

Please advise.

So now I must move on. Do I even watn to get that coffee "just to catch up"? I dont know. 

If you feel like it'll be "mild emotional torture" to no purpose then suggest you don't.

If you feel like it'll help you with "closure" then perhaps so.

Quote

I mean, cant hurt to have him around as a friend, right?

It can if that interferes with emotionally bonding with someone new for you, which sometimes happens in "orbiter" situations. So maybe have the coffee (if desired) and make a firm internal commitment to be done with him so you can move on effectively.

Edited August 16, 2022 by mark clemson

[stillafool]

6 hours ago, Pandora2018 said:

, he mentioned things like income potential and was worried that because in a few years after i finish my program, i would be making potentially 5-10x than him, that he would feel "less than" etc. Again, these things did not even occur to me, but this was a symptom of a much larger issue in which he felt like he couldn't be on equal footing with me in a relationship - largely due to the fact that he grew up in a very traditional household where the guy is the breadwinner etc. 

Don't fall for that.  I've seen lots of men brag about their gfs, fiances and wives making more than them.  It makes them feel more of a catch that a woman like that would want them so they show it off to their friends.  His excuse was an excuse to not get involved further.

[glows]

19 hours ago, Pandora2018 said:

Update for all those who have so kindly conotributed to this thread: 

I didnt say much but simply texted him to ask if he was free later in the week to coffee.

He said: he would love to catch up and get coffee but isn't interested in a new relationship. 

So now I must move on. Do I even watn to get that coffee "just to catch up"? I dont know. 

That's up to you. You don't have to say a word to him after this but disappearing like that after inviting someone for coffee is rude. I'd thank him for his honesty and mention it's probably best then for you both not to meet up. He may have his issues but I doubt anyone would hold it against you for changing your mind. That would be a rather ruthless and cruel person to fault you for not holding to your word about meeting up for coffee if it was a relationship that you were looking for or had your hopes on something else. It seems to me he has bigger fish to fry also, and a lot more on his mind. 

Put this behind you and let it go.

 

Edited August 16, 2022 by glows

[NuevoYorko]

10 hours ago, Pandora2018 said:

 

I mean, cant hurt to have him around as a friend, right? 

Of course it can hurt.  He broke up with you, rejected your suggestions about working it out,  maintained strong boundaries for over a year while you continued to reach out.  In addition, you've been carrying a torch for him since you broke up and are not doing anything proactive to move forward from the breakup.  Your friends know this and have bugged you about it, right?

You aren't friends.  You won't become friends because you want to "get him back" and he is not available for that.  Trying to hang around with him CAN hurt you.  

[stillafool]

21 hours ago, Pandora2018 said:

Update for all those who have so kindly conotributed to this thread: 

I didnt say much but simply texted him to ask if he was free later in the week to coffee.

He said: he would love to catch up and get coffee but isn't interested in a new relationship. 

So now I must move on. Do I even watn to get that coffee "just to catch up"? I dont know. 

Oh my.  Then he did just reach out to you to find out info on the library afterall.  Did he just say he wasn't interested in a new relationship out of the blue or did you ask him about a relationship?  How did that come up?

Edited August 16, 2022 by stillafool

[Pandora2018]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

Oh my.  Then he did just reach out to you to find out info on the library afterall.  Did he just say he wasn't interested in a new relationship out of the blue or did you ask him about a relationship?  How did that come up?

I mean so basically it means that he texted me to figure out where the library was ... which led to two days of back and forth texting... all so that he could figure out where the library was on campus?? with a (Hey Pandora2018, how have you been? the photo you posted looks quite nice!) 

Well because for the reasons I previously discussed elsewhere, he broke things off and I tried to make it work, but he was saying that he couldnt help but feel like he wasn't good enough etc. I was the one who tried to make it work, until it was obvious I couldnt change him, so we stopped talking after that, aside from the few handful times when I just checked in on him with hey how are you? But this past weekend was the first time he reached out to me in a year... I guess to figure out where this library was??? 

Anyway, I feel this topic has already been dissected well enough by various contributors on here. Appreicate the varying responses. 

[stillafool]

54 minutes ago, Pandora2018 said:

I mean so basically it means that he texted me to figure out where the library was ... which led to two days of back and forth texting... all so that he could figure out where the library was on campus?? with a (Hey Pandora2018, how have you been? the photo you posted looks quite nice!) 

Well because for the reasons I previously discussed elsewhere, he broke things off and I tried to make it work, but he was saying that he couldnt help but feel like he wasn't good enough etc. I was the one who tried to make it work, until it was obvious I couldnt change him, so we stopped talking after that, aside from the few handful times when I just checked in on him with hey how are you? But this past weekend was the first time he reached out to me in a year... I guess to figure out where this library was??? 

Anyway, I feel this topic has already been dissected well enough by various contributors on here. Appreicate the varying responses. 

Wow Pandora thanks for the recap but I already knew all of this.  I just wanted the answer to 1 question.

 

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

Did he just say he wasn't interested in a new relationship out of the blue or did you ask him about a relationship?  How did that come up?

 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Pandora2018 said:

I mean so basically it means that he texted me to figure out where the library was ... which led to two days of back and forth texting... all so that he could figure out where the library was on campus?? with a (Hey Pandora2018, how have you been? the photo you posted looks quite nice!) 

I very much doubt he only wanted to know where the library is.  It's more likely that he loved the photo, had a mild curiosity about the library and was also wondering how you're doing.  

I am glad that you found out how he feels - now you can let it go.  Though I do agree with @glows that after sending the invite, it would be rude to just ghost him.  I think a response along the lines of "Thanks for your candour - I appreciate it.  On second thoughts, it's probably best that we don't meet up.  Take care  " would be appropriate

[ExpatInItaly]

20 hours ago, Pandora2018 said:

cant hurt to have him around as a friend, right?

No, wrong. 

It will hurt a lot to be his friend when you hear he's dating someone else. Don't bother keeping this guy in your life. You now know for sure that he doesn't want to date again. Block and delete. 

[Wiseman2]

On 8/15/2022 at 2:31 PM, Pandora2018 said:

  Ive heard from many friends over the past year that I should more on etc, but easier said, than done .

Your friends mean well and are trying to help you.

If you feel despite the help of your friends that you can't let go of this obsession, it may be time to see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

[glows]

11 hours ago, Pandora2018 said:

I mean so basically it means that he texted me to figure out where the library was ... which led to two days of back and forth texting... all so that he could figure out where the library was on campus?? with a (Hey Pandora2018, how have you been? the photo you posted looks quite nice!) 

Well because for the reasons I previously discussed elsewhere, he broke things off and I tried to make it work, but he was saying that he couldnt help but feel like he wasn't good enough etc. I was the one who tried to make it work, until it was obvious I couldnt change him, so we stopped talking after that, aside from the few handful times when I just checked in on him with hey how are you? But this past weekend was the first time he reached out to me in a year... I guess to figure out where this library was??? 

Anyway, I feel this topic has already been dissected well enough by various contributors on here. Appreicate the varying responses. 

I’m sorry it seems so confusing. It probably brought back a lot of memories and the way you were feeling at the time seeing his message pop up. Take these things in stride and live in the moment. It doesn’t have to mean anything. He was being friendly and I’d treat it as a brief greeting/hello from someone you used to know. 

[Acacia98]

I have no idea why he reached out to you, @OP. But if there's one piece of advice I would give anyone in your situation, it's this: don't try to make a relationship work with someone who tells you he's not good enough for you. People who believe they're not good enough will sabotage the relationship and will hurt you. They suffer from fundamental insecurities and low self-esteem and are really not in a place to be dating anybody. The best thing you can do for yourself and for him is to close this chapter and let him go. If he's wise, he'll take the time to work on himself. And if you are wise, you will focus on yourself and work on yourself too. And when you're in a better place, you will be ready to meet somebody who appreciates you and wants to be with you.

[Pandora2018]

53 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

I have no idea why he reached out to you, @OP. But if there's one piece of advice I would give anyone in your situation, it's this: don't try to make a relationship work with someone who tells you he's not good enough for you. People who believe they're not good enough will sabotage the relationship and will hurt you. They suffer from fundamental insecurities and low self-esteem and are really not in a place to be dating anybody. The best thing you can do for yourself and for him is to close this chapter and let him go. If he's wise, he'll take the time to work on himself. And if you are wise, you will focus on yourself and work on yourself too. And when you're in a better place, you will be ready to meet somebody who appreciates you and wants to be with you.

Thank you everyone. I will be moving on from him for good. He had a lot of issues and is not someone who would have even been able to support me emotionally as I progress through my medical career (which was one of the main things he was worried about). I have bigger things to focus on -> fixing people!

I won't be checking up on this thread further. But safe to say, Ive gone through a whole personal journey bc of him and lessons learned. 

☮️