Why tell on yourself

[stanchain]

What the ???

 

Try and make this short. Girl I’m not dating but dating (everybody thinks we are married), and we are intimate.

 

The other day she turned on the video cameras 5 minutes before she got home, then filmed for the next 3 hours. Now she made sure you can’t see anybody else, but somebody was there 100% her “friend” from work.

 

Ok but here is the kicker she deleted and cleaned everything made the house look like she didn’t even live there.  So if I didn’t see the video I wouldn’t have said a word. 

 

My first thought was she wants to end what we have. NOPE. We are on the beach right now. 

 

So why go through all that deleting and hiding, and then turn on the cameras that hadn’t been used in 2-3 weeks? 
 

[ ] 

Edited August 15, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[stillafool]

49 minutes ago, stanchain said:

So why go through all that deleting and hiding, and then turn on the cameras that hadn’t been used in 2-3 weeks? 

Since you're on the beach with her right now why not ask her.

[basil67]

What do you mean by "not dating but dating"?   Wondering if the two of you are exclusive

[stanchain]

I’ve asked her and she said she didn’t know cameras were on…… lie

qnd the exclusive part? We agreed no sex with anybody else and if we do we would tell the other out of respect 

but my family and her family think we are dating cause we are always together but now I’m looking back at the times she didn’t want to go out of town and asking what my schedule was…… like you lying B

[smackie9]

So you accusing her of cheating with said coworker? Surprise her and show up at her work with flowers and ask her for lunch...maybe the dude will see that she's been lying to him possibly. I think it would be a nice reaction coming from her when she has some explaining to do. 

Edited August 17, 2022 by smackie9

[glows]

Calling her names isn't going to improve the trust between the two of you.. there's no trust in the rl so how can this be expected to get better? If you've got an uneasy feeling it may be time to look at the whole relationship, not just focus on her potentially cheating. That's what I would do anyway. It's not about the other guy or anyone else she's with. It's that the relationship just isn't working.

[Wiseman2]

On 8/15/2022 at 6:02 PM, stanchain said:

everybody thinks we are married

 Do you live together? Who thinks you're married? Why is she making porn with her "friends"? Is it want she does for a living?

Edited August 17, 2022 by Wiseman2

[mark clemson]

It sounds like the status of your "relationship" isn't clear. The good thing is that makes it easy to end. If you truly believe she was cheating on you with this work friend, then rather than letting anger get the best of you, the simple thing to do is just walk away from the relationship. "Simple" isn't always the same as "easy," but firmly resolving to end things and cut contact with her is a clear path and one that will presumably minimize drama and/or any criminal charges against you.

Edited August 17, 2022 by mark clemson

[stanchain]

On 8/17/2022 at 7:31 AM, smackie9 said:

So you accusing her of cheating with said coworker? Surprise her and show up at her work with flowers and ask her for lunch...maybe the dude will see that she's been lying to him possibly. I think it would be a nice reaction coming from her when she has some explaining to do. 

Nah THATS the thing. In the video he is actually helping her. Muting it and stuff like that. Long story but he is 100% aware of me. 

[stanchain]

On 8/17/2022 at 9:49 AM, glows said:

Calling her names isn't going to improve the trust between the two of you.. there's no trust in the rl so how can this be expected to get better? If you've got an uneasy feeling it may be time to look at the whole relationship, not just focus on her potentially cheating. That's what I would do anyway. It's not about the other guy or anyone else she's with. It's that the relationship just isn't working.

Well technically nobody is cheating. We have been best friends and always said we would be honest with one another. She had me quit talking to women I had in my life but always lied about this guy from work (since feb). 
 

it isn’t her being with him ( I already knew she was sleeping with somebody else), it’s about her lying, AND MAKING A VIDEO FOR ME TO SEE!!!

 

like that is really sick. Making a video but muting it or turning all the lights out so I can’t see him walking around. Hear a guys voice in the back ground on numerous occasions and her response is she couldn’t hear anything and she was all alone, why don’t I trust her 

[stanchain]

On 8/17/2022 at 12:28 PM, mark clemson said:

It sounds like the status of your "relationship" isn't clear. The good thing is that makes it easy to end. If you truly believe she was cheating on you with this work friend, then rather than letting anger get the best of you, the simple thing to do is just walk away from the relationship. "Simple" isn't always the same as "easy," but firmly resolving to end things and cut contact with her is a clear path and one that will presumably minimize drama and/or any criminal charges against you.

I haven’t texted her since Tuesday, she text me and I responded once and didn’t answer her phone calls. I’m too old for childish games. She knows how difficult my divorce was and she is literally running the same playbook as my ex wife 

[glows]

7 hours ago, stanchain said:

Well technically nobody is cheating. We have been best friends and always said we would be honest with one another. She had me quit talking to women I had in my life but always lied about this guy from work (since feb). 
 

it isn’t her being with him ( I already knew she was sleeping with somebody else), it’s about her lying, AND MAKING A VIDEO FOR ME TO SEE!!!

 

like that is really sick. Making a video but muting it or turning all the lights out so I can’t see him walking around. Hear a guys voice in the back ground on numerous occasions and her response is she couldn’t hear anything and she was all alone, why don’t I trust her 

The bottomline is you don't trust her so end it and don't waste a second more of your life in this torment.

[mark clemson]

16 hours ago, stanchain said:

I haven’t texted her since Tuesday...

Unfortunate, but as noted you have an easy path out here.

[Wiseman2]

17 hours ago, stanchain said:

I’m too old for childish games. She knows how difficult my divorce was 

Focus on recovering from this. This woman sounds a bit crazy or sleazy. Is she a rebound shortly after your divorce?

[stanchain]

37 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Unfortunate, but as noted you have an easy path out here.

Yeah it’s just sad because what we were supposed to have was an amazing friendship. Our families love the other one etc. her dad was at my house today helping me fix my fence. 
 

so for the past 5 months we have been inseparable…. So just a little odd. I mean when my mom wants to know something about my house she asks her….. went to my family reunion, took care of my kids while I was at work etc etc.

 

just heartless if you ask me. To lie to somebody like that. And I ended up buying a house 1 minute from hers (that was a house we found together ) so just sucks to lose my other half 

[stanchain]

18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Focus on recovering from this. This woman sounds a bit crazy or sleazy. Is she a rebound shortly after your divorce?

No she wasn’t a rebound. She was actually my high school sweetheart. We assured each other we would just be friends with no emotion, and that no matter what we would be honest with one another. 
 

well she has been lying to me since February making me think I was dumb for thinking this or that. Come to find out everything I said was accurate (wrong guy, but accurate l) 

 

I guess I just thought we were better than that and expected more out of her. But now I know why whenever we were at my moms and mom would say we should date she was adamant that we would never date.

 

makes sense now  

[poppyfields]

19 hours ago, stanchain said:

It isn’t her being with him ( I already knew she was sleeping with somebody else), it’s about her lying, AND MAKING A VIDEO FOR ME TO SEE!!!

How did you happen to see it?  Did she leave the video in plain sight for you to find?  Intentionally?

How do you know she turned on the camera 5 minutes before she arrived home?  

But then she denied knowing the camera was on? 

Apologies for the questions; maybe I'm just slow today (tired).

I am trying to put all the pieces together but I'm not that familiar with the process of videotaping and having troubling understanding what happened that's got you so upset, since you're not exclusive and therefore (and as you even said) no cheating. 

 

 

Edited August 20, 2022 by poppyfields

[stanchain]

57 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

How did you happen to see it?  Did she leave the video in plain sight for you to find?  Intentionally?

How do you know she turned on the camera 5 minutes before she arrived home?  

But then she denied knowing the camera was on? 

Apologies for the questions; maybe I'm just slow today (tired).

I am trying to put all the pieces together but I'm not that familiar with the process of videotaping and having troubling understanding what happened that's got you so upset, since you're not exclusive and therefore (and as you even said) no cheating. 

 

 

Ok the camera thing. We put up cameras so when the kids were there we could watch them. Now the cameras hadn’t been used in 2-3 weeks. AND they just happen to turn on 3 minutes before she opened the door? But only two of them. So I got an alert on my phone about motion in the house. Looked it was her but it kept going off. 
 

so I said she wanted me to see it because 

1- she turned the cameras on

2- she even adjust view of cameras while it was recording

3- she would mute it when she was in room talking and unmute it when it was only the tv. 
 

now I am angry because there was no reason for that. If we are best friends and honest with one another just tell me. PLUS then you deny there was a guy there (even though I heard a male voice) and you delete all the opening and closing of doors from the alarm system to make it seem like you were by yourself??

im upset because deep down I’ve known about the guy for a while and she always told me I was crazy and we are too good of friends blah blah blah. I’m upset because it doesn’t make sense to go through all that trouble of hiding a guy if you don’t consider it cheating….. and since he has been around since (February probably) why get so close to my kids, have us live at your house for 2 months during escrow, family reunions etc etc 

[Wiseman2]

42 minutes ago, stanchain said:

why get so close to my kids, have us live at your house for 2 months during escrow.

Did you and your children move out to your own place? If she hosted you during your divorce, it sounds like a rebound.

[stanchain]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Did you and your children move out to your own place? If she hosted you during your divorce, it sounds like a rebound.

No my divorce was over a year ago. I had a couple rebounds after that. 
 

this was about what I thought was a real friendship. Turns out she was lying the whole time damn near.

 

and we stayed there while I closed escrow 

[mark clemson]

7 hours ago, stanchain said:

so just sucks to lose my other half 

Hmm. I get the sense you might have been overinvested, given that you were friends, but not "official" in terms of going out.  She may have felt she was doing nothing wrong (per the parameters of your "relationship") but then may have felt it necessary to lie after you started to get upset?  You do seem to have a bit of a temper.

It's also possible she felt it was necessary to do something to drive you off IF she felt you were getting too invested (when perhaps she wasn't and/or wanted to keep the relationship such as it was from advancing further). There are those who have trouble communicating directly and so work up weird "alternate strategies" to acheive their goals when seemingly straightforward communication would have done the trick.

On that note is it possible she was afraid of how you might react to a direct breakup or "let's tone this thing between us down" conversation? Do you handle things like that well/with aplomb?

These are just theories, but as you note the behavior is odd/seemingly hard to explain.

[stanchain]

On 8/20/2022 at 7:16 PM, mark clemson said:

Hmm. I get the sense you might have been overinvested, given that you were friends, but not "official" in terms of going out.  She may have felt she was doing nothing wrong (per the parameters of your "relationship") but then may have felt it necessary to lie after you started to get upset?  You do seem to have a bit of a temper.

It's also possible she felt it was necessary to do something to drive you off IF she felt you were getting too invested (when perhaps she wasn't and/or wanted to keep the relationship such as it was from advancing further). There are those who have trouble communicating directly and so work up weird "alternate strategies" to acheive their goals when seemingly straightforward communication would have done the trick.

On that note is it possible she was afraid of how you might react to a direct breakup or "let's tone this thing between us down" conversation? Do you handle things like that well/with aplomb?

These are just theories, but as you note the behavior is odd/seemingly hard to explain.

Everything is batstuff crazy. So I’ve distance myself from her. She came by my house last night (we leave 1 minute from each other). She explained or said she was all alone and she didn’t turn the cameras on blah blah blah (imo bullshit), and she lied and said she didn’t remember him ever riding in her call. Although I 100% know it happen. 
 

then she was aggressive had a fun night of make up sex, then today in the shower. The thing is it has been different. I until today I’ve been really reserved almost passive. I wonder if the change is due to the fact that maybe I just don’t look at her the way I used to….. I had her on this pedastool …… today I’ve been aggressive and intimacy was different (in a good way imo). 
 

idk lost as hell

[mark clemson]

Hmm. That's not what I'd consider "distancing myself".

This sounds like it's going to be a turbulent relationship if you choose to continue with it. Many men will overlook a lot for good sex, and I think some if not many women recognize this and some use this knowledge to "keep a guy around" when he might otherwise be inclined to leave.

Up to you what you want to do here (of course). Turbulent relationships can be "fun" but also quite draining + it tends to get old after awhile.