Escaping a narcissist when you are attached

[Big Ron]

I know I am not going to be popular. I know many will not have any kind words or sympathy for me. That is not why I am Telling my story. My soul purpose is to maybe help someone see the pattern and not let a toxic person take so much of their precise time. I was a young mother of two young children who did not have a supportive spouse. This man paid attention to me. Told me how little my husband did for me and how I should be treated. How much he didn’t love his wife and wanted a soulmate. He played on my weakness and insecurities and made me feel like a women again.  We began a relationship. I don’t call it an affair bc it’s been 12 years. We have spent over a decade traveling, fishing, biking, and just enjoying each other’s company. Then he flipped a switch. When I wanted to see him I was told I was bullying him to go out when he was tired, busy, etc. he wasn’t happy at his job, his home or with me bc of this. So he left. Took a job 3 hours away. I still have kids in high school and I am not  ever going to move them or leave them. We had originally planned to leave our homes after our children graduated. Now he has a child in cottage and just moved his wife with him and sold their house in our town. He claims  it’s because he needed the money from the house to relocate and that he doesn’t love her. But I know now I’m a fool who wasted 12 years of my life with a gaslighting Narcissist. Hopefully this helps someone in a similar situation get put now and not waste anymore time. 

[BaileyB]

Welcome. I’m sorry this happened to you.

That said, married men lie. They lie to their wives everyday about your presence in their marriage. And, it seems he has lied to you about the state of his marriage and his intentions for all these years. 

Thank you for posting, there are people on this board as we speak who need to read your story. 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Big Ron said:

I was a young mother of two young children who did not have a supportive spouse. I still have kids in high school and I am not  ever going to move them or leave them. 

Sorry this happened. Just focus on your children and effective co-parenting is you divorced your unsupportive spouse. Now that he's gone, you're free to date local available single men, if you are divorced now.

[mark clemson]

I find this post confusing.

People can and do "flip switches" in all sorts of relationships, not just affairs. Happens all the time and can happen to anyone, not just an AP. Plenty of regular (non-affair) partners who wanted things to last feel that "years were wasted" in a break up or divorce. But, relationships end and people break things off all the time for all sorts of reasons. They have different styles, and some do it "suddenly". That's just life.

The below are rhetorical questions for you to consider, not things you should feel obligated to answer:

Were you unhappy during those 12 years, or only now that it's ended?

Is he actually a diagnosed narcissist? Perhaps it's easier said than done, but it seems like if he was really so bad, you had 12 years to rid yourself of him.

If you didn't break it off, weren't you just "enjoying the relationship" such as it was, flawed in some ways though it may have been?

Certainly true narcissists are notorious for being extremely bad partners. If you are completely honest with yourself, was he really so awful towards you, or is this more like "sour grapes" that you didn't end up with him?

Edited August 16, 2022 by mark clemson

[glows]

19 hours ago, Big Ron said:

I know I am not going to be popular. I know many will not have any kind words or sympathy for me. That is not why I am Telling my story. My soul purpose is to maybe help someone see the pattern and not let a toxic person take so much of their precise time. I was a young mother of two young children who did not have a supportive spouse. This man paid attention to me. Told me how little my husband did for me and how I should be treated. How much he didn’t love his wife and wanted a soulmate. He played on my weakness and insecurities and made me feel like a women again.  We began a relationship. I don’t call it an affair bc it’s been 12 years. We have spent over a decade traveling, fishing, biking, and just enjoying each other’s company. Then he flipped a switch. When I wanted to see him I was told I was bullying him to go out when he was tired, busy, etc. he wasn’t happy at his job, his home or with me bc of this. So he left. Took a job 3 hours away. I still have kids in high school and I am not  ever going to move them or leave them. We had originally planned to leave our homes after our children graduated. Now he has a child in cottage and just moved his wife with him and sold their house in our town. He claims  it’s because he needed the money from the house to relocate and that he doesn’t love her. But I know now I’m a fool who wasted 12 years of my life with a gaslighting Narcissist. Hopefully this helps someone in a similar situation get put now and not waste anymore time. 

It sounds like he changed his mind and the affair fizzled out. I'm sorry that you're in pain. Yes, affairs usually lead to more heartache.

[Brian1223]

8 hours ago, mark clemson said:

I find this post confusing.

People can and do "flip switches" in all sorts of relationships, not just affairs. Happens all the time and can happen to anyone, not just an AP. Plenty of regular (non-affair) partners who wanted things to last feel that "years were wasted" in a break up or divorce. But, relationships end and people break things off all the time for all sorts of reasons. They have different styles, and some do it "suddenly". That's just life.

The below are rhetorical questions for you to consider, not things you should feel obligated to answer:

Were you unhappy during those 12 years, or only now that it's ended?

Is he actually a diagnosed narcissist? Perhaps it's easier said than done, but it seems like if he was really so bad, you had 12 years to rid yourself of him.

If you didn't break it off, weren't you just "enjoying the relationship" such as it was, flawed in some ways though it may have been?

Certainly true narcissists are notorious for being extremely bad partners. If you are completely honest with yourself, was he really so awful towards you, or is this more like "sour grapes" that you didn't end up with him?

I find it interesting the amount of times the term "narcissist" is thrown around now. I appreciate the increased awareness of this personality disorder and how it has come to light, however I do wonder if people use this term a little excessively to excuse themselves somewhat of their own actions. 

Edited August 17, 2022 by Brian1223

[Big Ron]

Thank you for your thoughts. Although I don’t want to go into all the details of the relationship. Mainly because I’m embarrassed that I stayed so long, but he was definitely narcissistic. There was a lot of gaslighting where he would tell me I did or said things I know I didn’t. He would constantly turn things around on me whenever I started asking the hard questions. When we met I was a very strong career driven person. Over the years he started to belittle my job, my thoughts and feelings, my looks and even my kids. The relationship turned toxic and I should of left a long time ago. My only excuse is that there was love there on both sides, and good times. I thought he was my person and I overlooked a lot because of that. 

[NuevoYorko]

Did you leave your husband for this fellow, or are you still married?

[Brian1223]

45 minutes ago, Big Ron said:

Thank you for your thoughts. Although I don’t want to go into all the details of the relationship. Mainly because I’m embarrassed that I stayed so long, but he was definitely narcissistic. There was a lot of gaslighting where he would tell me I did or said things I know I didn’t. He would constantly turn things around on me whenever I started asking the hard questions. When we met I was a very strong career driven person. Over the years he started to belittle my job, my thoughts and feelings, my looks and even my kids. The relationship turned toxic and I should of left a long time ago. My only excuse is that there was love there on both sides, and good times. I thought he was my person and I overlooked a lot because of that. 

Perhaps seek a counselor to delve into why you stayed with someone that treated you like this, for so long or what drove you to fall into this situation in the first place. Regardless of the narcissism or gas lighting etc, being in an affair alone says a lot about our self worth. I speak from experience. 

Something to unpack with a professional. 

Edited August 17, 2022 by Brian1223

[mark clemson]

11 hours ago, Big Ron said:

Thank you for your thoughts...

Well, fair enough. It's certainly true that it can be hard for many folks to leave a relationship. Many people have some narcissistic traits, and some abusers wait until they think you're "stuck" before they start their abuse. It does sound like you would have (or might have) stayed despite the significant problems, which is indeed something you could consider looking into.

The silver lining here is that this is an opportunity to look for a healthier and less dysfunctional relationship. Suggest you go forward with that (assuming you wish to) cautiously but also with resolve to better your situation and turn the negative into a positive.

[YourEyesOnly]

12 years is a long time and my heart breaks for you because I know exactly how you feel. I’ve wasted 4-4 1/2 years of my life with my MM. You know it’s wrong and you know you need to leave, but your heart won’t let you. Despite what any outsider says, your feelings were real and just hearing, “walk away and block him” is the logical thing to do, but it’s not a logical situation to begin with. I hope you find some peace in all of this and give your heart time to heal. 

[pepperbird2]

On 8/15/2022 at 10:15 PM, Big Ron said:

I know I am not going to be popular. I know many will not have any kind words or sympathy for me. That is not why I am Telling my story. My soul purpose is to maybe help someone see the pattern and not let a toxic person take so much of their precise time. I was a young mother of two young children who did not have a supportive spouse. This man paid attention to me. Told me how little my husband did for me and how I should be treated. How much he didn’t love his wife and wanted a soulmate. He played on my weakness and insecurities and made me feel like a women again.  We began a relationship. I don’t call it an affair bc it’s been 12 years. We have spent over a decade traveling, fishing, biking, and just enjoying each other’s company. Then he flipped a switch. When I wanted to see him I was told I was bullying him to go out when he was tired, busy, etc. he wasn’t happy at his job, his home or with me bc of this. So he left. Took a job 3 hours away. I still have kids in high school and I am not  ever going to move them or leave them. We had originally planned to leave our homes after our children graduated. Now he has a child in cottage and just moved his wife with him and sold their house in our town. He claims  it’s because he needed the money from the house to relocate and that he doesn’t love her. But I know now I’m a fool who wasted 12 years of my life with a gaslighting Narcissist. Hopefully this helps someone in a similar situation get put now and not waste anymore time. 

Hmmm....
Unless he's diagnosed as a narcissist, he likely isn't one. He may be the front runner for jackass of the year, but that doesn't make him a narcissist. By the standard you set, one could say you are a narcissist too ( gaslighting your own spouse), but I don't think that's the case at all.

Could be he's  tired of he affair, his wife caught him or any number of other things.

Whatever the case may be, it doesn't matter. Forget about him and focus on how you ever got to a place where you are at the end of a 12 year long affair. What will your next steps be?

[stillafool]

On 8/15/2022 at 9:15 PM, Big Ron said:

He played on my weakness and insecurities and made me feel like a women again.

 

On 8/16/2022 at 10:46 PM, Big Ron said:

When we met I was a very strong career driven person.

This doesn't sound like a weak insecure woman at all.  Affairs are surrounded in lies and I'm sure you told your husband lies also while involved in the affair.  Your husband may think you're a narcissist because of what you've been up to also.  (That word gets thrown around too much.)  Did you ever confess to him and divorce?  If not, MM probaably feels the same way that he was involved in an affair; but now it's over and he will not leave his wife just as you havn't left your husband.