Am I asking for too much for a guy to take a charge and arrange a first meet?

[fred123]

11 hours ago, divegrl said:

Idk. I meet these guys in real life too. Guys who text and text and text and text! They always say, let’s get together! But never offer a real plan. They miss me! But cannot meet for dinner.

I cannot think of a single time when this type of situation turned out well. I played along and waited, I planned the date and they were always busy.

So now I pass on all these situations. All these “I wish” or “I miss” or “I want” or “I dream” platitudes without action are a firm pass. 
 

Wishing you the best!

why dont u pick me who do?!

im the opposite. girls reject me when i make plans instead of text text text. they rather i text text text😂

[Wiseman2]

On 8/16/2022 at 12:16 PM, Alvi said:

I am fairly shy and quiet person and I work well with the men who take the initiative. Sort of take in charge person

If you have a dating profile up on the internet it's not "shy". You are already advertising that you are single, available and would like to meet someone. You need to participate in your own safety and success.

You don't have to message men first or ask them out, but you do need to be in control when meeting strangers from the internet for the first time.

If someone is a timewaster, just texting endlessly, blasé, etc., just delete/block them from the app.

Once contact and interest in meeting is established, arrange a mutually convenient time to meet. Suggest a place (coffee/drink/restaurant) near you. One that you are familiar with and can afford your half of. If he offers to pay fine, but choose the venue. Bring enough cash to cover your half.

Always provide your own transportation, never let someone pick you up or follow you home.  If things are not going well or getting weird you're in your own area and can simply wrap it up and depart. The key is participating in your own success and staying in control of the situation.

Dating and date planning happen once you are mutually interested in seeing each other again. Not before.

 

[Lotsgoingon]

This might be a symptom of anxiety among a certain generation of men. Or you're just having a string of bad luck. Or maybe there is something in your profile that is attracting guys with low confidence and social skills. I assume you're dating online. You might need to revise your profile to make sure your own confidence and capabilities come through. 

To answer your question: no, you are not expecting too much. 

[chillii]

Or maybe the ones your picking just aren't quite interested enough to go that bit further, the most likely culprit . All this self esteem stuff it's like it's some crime these days and we're all suppose to be perfect robots , if they're keen enough they'll soon be onto it .

Edited August 17, 2022 by chillii

[chillii]

1 hour ago, chillii said:

Or maybe the ones your picking just aren't quite interested enough to go that bit further, the most likely culprit . All this self esteem stuff it's like it's some crime these days and we're all suppose to be perfect robots , if they're keen enough they'll soon be onto it .

Mind you , huge differences to these days below certain ages,growing up on smart phs and tip toeing around in texting and chat apps, all the crap going on and fake internet worlds,1/2 of them prob didn't even have a father growing up either.

Edited August 18, 2022 by chillii

[stillafool]

It's better to meet men in person because they can see you before the dates and get excited about seeing you.  I know young men in my family meet girls out and they seem to have no problem planning dates for girls they are excited to take out and spend time with.

[alphamale]

Also, younger ppl social skills have been compromised by all the screen time. You can only see this IRL

[Goodguy05]

On 8/17/2022 at 2:16 AM, Alvi said:

I don't know. I don't think I am unreasonable. I am fairly shy and quiet person and I work well with the men who take the initiative. Sort of take in charge person. I am not talking about aggressive or overly pushy type of guys but I surely appreciate when a guy takes a charge and arranges plans for a date or an outing.

The problem is, that I am running into a lot of men on-line who expect me to arrange everything myself. A year or so ago one guy wanted me to phone a coffee place and to aske till what time they would be open. And not only that, he expected me to find out about the parking. I did all that but but it left a very bad taste in my mouth. He could've done all that by himself prior to our meeting.

If it was just one guy, it would be one thing. But I am running more and more passive type of guys lately. For example, I've been talking to another guy and he asks me if I want to meet him sometimes. I say yes. So, here is a clue for him, an opening to ask me out right here and there, right? Or am I reading this wrong? But no, instead he continues with a chit chat after that. I told him that I went for a walk and he sends me 3-4 texts about how he wished that he was walking besides me. But he never asked me to go for a walk with him directly. And this morning, he sends me a texts asking me yet again if I want to meet him for a coffee or to go for a walk with him sometimes. And that if I am interested, I should let him know. But I have told him already last night  that I am interested, lol. I am assuming that that he wants to meet but why can't he say, for example: "Are you free to meet Friday evening for a coffee? If you are, how about we meet at XYZ place at 7 pm?" Is it that difficult?  I honestly, don't feel like continue talking to him anymore. I am interested in him but I don't want to arrange a date place and time for us to meet all by myself. Why can't he be more assertive? He can still be respectful, while being in charge.

Perhaps, they are trying to be polite and respectful (and don't want to offend a woman) but it comes out like they are not that interested or unsure of themselves. And for sure, they expect a woman to arrange a date for them and to take them out. 

Forgive me, I am just rambling. Don't mean to offend anybody. But why are guys relying more and more on a woman to do all the heavy lifting? Why can't they be more assertive? 

Sounds like he needs more signs your interested in him. Looks like he's fishing for information. That's why he keeps stalling and not asking directly cos he's not sure whether you'll accept. That's one possibility. Or he's what they like to call in sales talk, a tyre kicker, happy to chat but not commit to meeting in person

Edited August 18, 2022 by Goodguy05

[Weezy1973]

14 hours ago, chillii said:

Or maybe the ones your picking just aren't quite interested enough to go that bit further, the most likely culprit .

I think this it probably the main issue. They’re just not that into you or else they’d make it happen.

[Alvi]

Update:

After I posted this, I wrote to this guy that if he wants to meet me, then he should ask me out. He asked me when I was free the next day. I told him that I finish work at 5 pm and he told me great, he finishes work at 5 pm as well. I didn't hear anything from him till 7 pm the next day and he only told me that he is home. And that's it. So, this is the exact point where I gave up on him completely. I didn't block him but I took a month long vacation from a dating scene. 

I reinstated my profile on that dating site few days ago and saw that he was repeatedly looking at my profile. He contacted me yesterday and sent me few messages. At first he told me that it was too bad that we have never met. Then he told me that as a woman I should have zero problem meeting guys for a coffee or for walks. After that he told me that he is not looking for sex since he has few exes who give him sex any time he asks. That is exactly what he wrote to me.🤣 After that he he told me that he still wants to meet me and asked me if I thought that he was only looking for sex and if that was why I have never met him. I know, I should've blocked him at this point but I told him nicely that we haven't met in August because he never asked me out. I also told him that it would not work out between us if he keeps exes in the picture and has sex with them. He told me that I misunderstood him and that he doesn't have sex with them apparently. He also said that he is asking me out officially now. And, that's it, crickets, crickets. I haven't heard anything else from him. Anyway, I see that he is a total timewaster and I am going to block him. I think that he wants to meet me (not that I would after what he told me about sleeping with his exes) but apparently not enough to come up with anything.

I really wish that I could meet someone and started to date him, skipping this whole getting to know each other phase. Maybe just woke up and ended up in a relationship with someone great. Oh well, wishful thinking. Being on a dating site totally sucks.  But I honestly don't know where else to meet men. Most of them don't notice me at in a real life.

P.S. He still keeps looking at my profile. 🤨

Edited September 19, 2022 by Alvi

[Ami1uwant]

39 minutes ago, Alvi said:

Update:

After I posted this, I wrote to this guy that if he wants to meet me, then he should ask me out. He asked me when I was free the next day. I told him that I finish work at 5 pm and he told me great, he finishes work at 5 pm as well. I didn't hear anything from him till 7 pm the next day and he only told me that he is home. And that's it. So, this is the exact point where I gave up on him completely. I didn't block him but I took a month long vacation from a dating scene. 

I reinstated my profile on that dating site few days ago and saw that he was repeatedly looking at my profile. He contacted me yesterday and sent me few messages. At first he told me that it was too bad that we have never met. Then he told me that as a woman I should have zero problem meeting guys for a coffee or for walks. After that he told me that he is not looking for sex since he has few exes who give him sex any time he asks. That is exactly what he wrote to me.🤣 After that he he told me that he still wants to meet me and asked me if I thought that he was only looking for sex and if that was why I have never met him. I know, I should've blocked him at this point but I told him nicely that we haven't met in August because he never asked me out. I also told him that it would not work out between us if he keeps exes in the picture and has sex with them. He told me that I misunderstood him and that he doesn't have sex with them apparently. He also said that he is asking me out officially now. And, that's it, crickets, crickets. I haven't heard anything else from him. Anyway, I see that he is a total timewaster and I am going to block him. I think that he wants to meet me (not that I would after what he told me about sleeping with his exes) but apparently not enough to come up with anything.

I really wish that I could meet someone and started to date him, skipping this whole getting to know each other phase. Maybe just woke up and ended up in a relationship with someone great. Oh well, wishful thinking. Being on a dating site totally sucks.  But I honestly don't know where else to meet men. Most of them don't notice me at in a real life.

P.S. He still keeps looking at my profile. 🤨

 

why haven’t you met men outside of online?

[Gaeta]

Ohh Alvi, you deserve so much better. You have too much class to consider dating men like this! Be patient, the right man will come along! 

I had so many dissapointing meetings l understand how you feel, it gets to us and then we start lowering our standards. Keep your head high don't stop untill you find a real gentleman!

 

[Gaeta]

9 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

why haven’t you met men outside of online?

Because it's really hard nowadays for several reasons we debate often on this forum. 

[Alvi]

1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said:

 

why haven’t you met men outside of online?

It's not like men approach me in real life. I am like the invisible woman most of the time. Even when I was a lot younger and a lot skinnier. I used to have a good figure and a long dark hair but men never came on to me. I guess, they did asked me for sex a time or two but that is not what I was looking for. I am shy and even if I approach guys myself, I don't get very good results. Even if I do some activities, they don't exactly ask me out. For example, years ago, I took a course and there was a guy there who talked to almost every woman in a class. Except me of course. Years later, we reconnected through work thing and he told me that he though that I was cute while we took that class but he didn't feel like approaching me for some reason. At lest on-line I get some dates, even if they don't go anywhere. My friends and relatives don't have anybody to introduce me to and I don't go to bars. So, honestly, I don't know where to meet guys. 

[Alvi]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

Ohh Alvi, you deserve so much better. You have too much class to consider dating men like this! Be patient, the right man will come along! 

I had so many dissapointing meetings l understand how you feel, it gets to us and then we start lowering our standards. Keep your head high don't stop untill you find a real gentleman!

 

Thank you Gaeta for your kind words! I am hanging there but have to admit that it gets harder and harder. But I am looking at your posts on here  as my inspiration not to give up and keep looking for "the one."

[Ami1uwant]

52 minutes ago, Alvi said:

It's not like men approach me in real life. I am like the invisible woman most of the time. Even when I was a lot younger and a lot skinnier. I used to have a good figure and a long dark hair but men never came on to me. I guess, they did asked me for sex a time or two but that is not what I was looking for. I am shy and even if I approach guys myself, I don't get very good results. Even if I do some activities, they don't exactly ask me out. For example, years ago, I took a course and there was a guy there who talked to almost every woman in a class. Except me of course. Years later, we reconnected through work thing and he told me that he though that I was cute while we took that class but he didn't feel like approaching me for some reason. At lest on-line I get some dates, even if they don't go anywhere. My friends and relatives don't have anybody to introduce me to and I don't go to bars. So, honestly, I don't know where to meet guys. 

Do you belong to any groups? Volunteer?  Etc.  is it something about where you live like you are a fish out of water?

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Alvi said:

 He still keeps looking at my profile. 

Delete and block all dead weight like this from the dating apps, social media and messaging apps. It's worth the peace of mind to not have unnessary background noise from uninterested men.

It may be worthwhile to get a new fresh profile and pics on other quality apps rather than reinstating stale profiles on the same apps over and over. New profiles get much more attention. People can see how long someone is hanging around on apps and the longer that is the worse it bodes. 

[Alvi]

Update:

Well, sort of. I've been away from all the social media for the last 4 month. I came back to check something on Facebook today because one of my friends asked me to check a link to something in her profile. Guess what I missed in my notification? This guy apparently announced that he got married and is expecting a child with his wife on November 2nd. No problem, lol.  But the thing is that he texted me on November 1st asking me yet again if I want to meet him. I told him that I am seeing someone else and he never replied back. 

No wonder he expected me to come up with the date/place/time to meet. It makes sense now. Just another cheater or someone who was just passing his time on a dating site up till he his marriage date. I thought that he was just too shy or passive or too lazy but no,  apparently he wasn't single.

I found it very strange and off-putting when he mentioned out of the blue that he can get all the sex that he wants from his exes (as in plural). He told me at the time that he was just kidding and I was the one who misunderstood him. Yeah, right. 

I guess there is always a reason why person is acting very wishy washy or expects you to arrange your own date. 

I am dating someone else so it doesn't bother me, but still, I do find this to be very perplexing. I mean, he kept asking me to meet him few times in October. He even came up with the place for us to meet (a museum) but never came up with the time and a date.  For a few seconds I wanted to send his wife a screenshot of our convo but no, of course I will not. I did dodge a bullet, right?

I blocked him on Facebook and on my phone. 

[S2B]

Only reply “when you set a place and time - we will have a date”.

any guy not taking that initiative isn’t making any effort.

don’t waste time with them if they don’t plan the date ahead of time by making effort.

[Alpacalia]

Eek. What a nightmare. It's a good thing you avoided that bullet. His poor wife.

[Weezy1973]

6 hours ago, Alvi said:

. I did dodge a bullet, right?

I blocked him on Facebook and on my phone. 

You did. And the lesson you hopefully learned is to block and delete right away. Look how much mental and emotional energy this guy took up. 

[Gaeta]

OMG! I'm so happy I don't have to deal with that BS anymore. I would be REALLY tempted to send her a screen shots of your communication but....she will figure it out soon on her own. 

Who you're dating now Alvi?

[Els]

16 hours ago, Alvi said:

I found it very strange and off-putting when he mentioned out of the blue that he can get all the sex that he wants from his exes (as in plural). He told me at the time that he was just kidding and I was the one who misunderstood him. Yeah, right. 

I think most of us would have unanimously agreed that this would be an incredibly disgusting thing for anyone to say to the person they were dating. My question is... why was your main concern the lack of concrete time/date set by him, instead of THIS?

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, Alvi said:

I did dodge a bullet, right?I blocked him on Facebook and on my phone. 

Jump for joy that you are rid of this weirdo. Good call. Perhaps your point is that failure to plan was the earliest sign of weirdness?

It's possible, but in general, there's no causal relationship between the two. Jerks can plan and decent guys can be clueless about executing good date plans.

[Calmandfocused]

On 8/17/2022 at 6:30 PM, fred123 said:

why dont u pick me who do?!

im the opposite. girls reject me when i make plans instead of text text text. they rather i text text text😂

I too, am baffled by this phenomenon. 
 

Daters who want to “text date” and nothing more. No interest in meeting or even talking on the phone. Just texting! 
 

Gone are the days where men/ women are being used for sex. They’re being used for texts! 
 

I can’t see the appeal personally. 
 

Op don’t waste your time. Say to him; I’m free on Xyz date and time and if he doesn’t take the bait, move on.