Relationship OCD and Struggling to be Vulnerable

[hope18]

Hi all, I'm hoping someone can relate to this.

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years. We broke up in high school (distance was too much when he went to college a year before me), dated other people for about 2 years and then found our way back to each other and have been great ever since. He is such a perfect boyfriend and I can't imagine being with anyone else. BUT (obviously that was coming), I struggle a lot with really upsetting, obsessive, and intrusive thoughts regarding our relationship. When I'm not with him I constantly have thoughts like "what if I don't actually love him" "what if he's not actually THE one" "what if I'm not actually attracted to him" "what if he's not attracted to me" "what if he's going to find someone better/leave me." All of these thoughts are really upsetting, because I know how much I love him and how happy he makes me, so why are they even there? 

Sometimes I wonder if it's some kind of subconscious self-defense mechanism. When we broke up in high school I was absolutely devastated. I have never felt pain like that in my life and I am so scared of ever feeling it again. So maybe these thoughts are my mind's way of trying to distance myself from him incase I get hurt again? It's just frustrating because sometimes I feel like it also prevents me from being fully vulnerable and open with him. I feel like there is a side of myself I'm dying to show him but these thoughts have put a wall up that I can't seem to break down. I have no idea why, because he tells and shows me every single day how much he loves me, how much he can't wait to marry me, how I'm his best friend. And I do feel the same way about him, yet I still have these negative, anxious, obsessive thoughts and I'm so scared they're going to eventually ruin a beautiful relationship. I've seen terms like "relationship ocd" and "relationship anxiety" floating around the internet with this exact description, and people describing the exact thoughts I'm having. So that's reassuring that I'm not alone, but as someone who studied psychology I do wonder if that's a real thing?

Anyways, I guess I'm just hoping others have experienced something similar and maybe been able to overcome it?

[BaileyB]

54 minutes ago, hope18 said:

When we broke up in high school I was absolutely devastated. I have never felt pain like that in my life and I am so scared of ever feeling it again.

Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but no relationship is without risk and whether you stay with the man or not, it is almost guaranteed that something will happen that will bring the kind of pain you fear at some point in your life.  It may come in the form of a miscarriage, or the death of a parent, or divorce, or a cancer diagnosis, or the sudden and unexpected death of your spouse. No life is without pain. And, NOT having the man you love in your life and experiencing the joy of building a life and a family with him is a very different kind of pain -
 

That said, you have a few things to work through because this kind of doubt and fear is clearly troubling. What’s more, if you let your fear and anxiety take control, you are essentially creating the very thing that you are most afraid of happening.  You may want to consider finding yourself a counsellor - someone you can talk with who can help you to work through these thoughts, feelings, anxieties, and give you some tools to build some different coping strategies/resiliency. One thing they are likely to ask you to do is to consider the worst - let’s you are with this man and he decides to end your relationship… what would happen? Dare I say it, you’ve been through that once before and you got through it. That’s something. Once you decide that whatever happens, you will get through it and you will be ok - that’s when the fear goes away…

There is only so much we control in our lives, we all have to learn to deal with uncertainty and unforeseen things that happen. All we can do is to follow our hearts and try to make the best decisions with the information we have at the time, find the joy in life, and believe that we are strong enough to deal with whatever comes our way…

Best wishes. 

Edited August 16, 2022 by BaileyB

[Alpacalia]

Sorry you're struggling.

Is anxiety a regular challenge for you?

It may be the partner we're with that causes us doubt, or it may be coming directly from ourselves.

A breakup the first time might have left you scarred or a bit apprehensive.

Be honest and brutal in confronting your doubts. Don't be afraid to let them catch up with you if they do. Doubt, unfortunately, is so aversive to so many that we ignore it, fail to address it, and what seems to be a small concern can quickly escalate into an important relationship problem. Face yourself, your past, your shortcomings, and what you want from life, after all, that is the only way to live fully.

Taking advantage of the moment can be transformative for both of you. 

So my advice would be to stop running from the questions and reach for understanding instead.

That's the only way you'll recognize the truth.

Edited August 16, 2022 by Alpacalia

[basil67]

I'm going to wager that the issue underlying all of this is a lack of resilience.  The confidence of knowing that even if something bad happens that after the storm, you will be OK.   

Have you ever tried running with these fears and taking them to their conclusion?   What if he does fall out of love with you....what will happen?  What happens next?  What will happen after that?  And after that?  

Edited August 17, 2022 by basil67

[Alpacalia]

Clearly, that is the case.

Usually people's distrust of a past experience or a huge loss of some kind leads to what she's described. Just wondering what that might be...

Edited August 17, 2022 by Alpacalia

[glows]

2 hours ago, hope18 said:

Hi all, I'm hoping someone can relate to this.

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years. We broke up in high school (distance was too much when he went to college a year before me), dated other people for about 2 years and then found our way back to each other and have been great ever since. He is such a perfect boyfriend and I can't imagine being with anyone else. BUT (obviously that was coming), I struggle a lot with really upsetting, obsessive, and intrusive thoughts regarding our relationship. When I'm not with him I constantly have thoughts like "what if I don't actually love him" "what if he's not actually THE one" "what if I'm not actually attracted to him" "what if he's not attracted to me" "what if he's going to find someone better/leave me." All of these thoughts are really upsetting, because I know how much I love him and how happy he makes me, so why are they even there? 

Sometimes I wonder if it's some kind of subconscious self-defense mechanism. When we broke up in high school I was absolutely devastated. I have never felt pain like that in my life and I am so scared of ever feeling it again. So maybe these thoughts are my mind's way of trying to distance myself from him incase I get hurt again? It's just frustrating because sometimes I feel like it also prevents me from being fully vulnerable and open with him. I feel like there is a side of myself I'm dying to show him but these thoughts have put a wall up that I can't seem to break down. I have no idea why, because he tells and shows me every single day how much he loves me, how much he can't wait to marry me, how I'm his best friend. And I do feel the same way about him, yet I still have these negative, anxious, obsessive thoughts and I'm so scared they're going to eventually ruin a beautiful relationship. I've seen terms like "relationship ocd" and "relationship anxiety" floating around the internet with this exact description, and people describing the exact thoughts I'm having. So that's reassuring that I'm not alone, but as someone who studied psychology I do wonder if that's a real thing?

Anyways, I guess I'm just hoping others have experienced something similar and maybe been able to overcome it?

I think it’s much simpler than you may be trying to rationalize and it doesn’t take a study in psychology to know that reconciliations are tricky. You broke up once already and have seen that he’s capable of letting you go. Unless you make peace with that and see that this is a new chapter without moving too fast into a relationship right away the second time around, you’re afraid of making the same mistakes twice. 

You’re both college-aged and I don’t believe college students these days settle down so early as often as they did one or two generations ago. What are the chances you’re seeing your friends date and experience more in the dating scene while remaining with one guy since you were in high school. Who wouldn’t be thinking about what else is out there?

My suggestion is cut yourself some slack and don’t move too quickly assuming that this is the guy you’re going to spend the rest of your life with and don’t build up “perfect” in your mind as if it’s infallible. I agree with the comments about resiliency and also accepting that hardly anything is perfect but we move with it and adapt, learn and get better or know ourselves better with time. 

Take your time dating your boyfriend. Nothing is ever locked in stone and remember that stone itself can be broken. Enjoy your life. Enjoy your youth. Savour it. Live well and don’t rush the relationship or overwhelm yourself.

[BaileyB]

I have several friends who married their high school sweethearts and they are happily raising their families today. Not saying that it can’t work out, but I do think there is some merit in the idea that you’ve broken up and reconciled once which has created some insecurity and anxiety. Add to that the awareness that you haven’t really had the opportunity to develop any resiliency because your life experiences are still limited by your age. As to the fact that you’ve studied a little psychology and you are looking for information online - remember, you can find just about anything you are looking for online… that doesn’t mean much these days. If you have the opportunity to speak with a counsellor, I think it would do you a world of good! Just a few sessions should give you a bit more perspective and a few new tools…

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, hope18 said:

. I've seen terms like "relationship ocd" and "relationship anxiety" floating around the internet 

See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. 

There's no reason to struggle like this. Find out what is really going on with you.

Are you working? living at home? Rather than googling all this get an evaluation. There's something underlying all this and addressing it is how to make improve.

Or. He's just not the right guy and you're afraid to date others.

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, hope18 said:

And I do feel the same way about him

I'm actually wondering if that's completely true, or if you're trying to convince yourself of it. 

Perhaps these intrusive thoughts are actually your gut trying to tell you he's not the one for you anymore, and you are ignoring your own instincts on that because you feel like you should want this relationship now. 

I wouldn't be so quick to assume the thougts you're having are just anxiety talking. There could be more to it, an underlying (and difficult) truth that maybe this relationship already ran its course and it's no longer what you really want. Something to think about, anyway. 

[smackie9]

Idle hands means over reactive brain. When I was very young, it was always all about my BF...I realize how horribly crippling emotionally that was for me when I look back now at my life during those times. I could have done so much more for myself. You need to enjoy your independence, even when in a relationship. Stop making your world revolve around him...find a life outside the relationship, go out, have fun with friends, enjoy activities, adventures, me time. 

[Coasting1991]

17 hours ago, hope18 said:

I've seen terms like "relationship ocd" and "relationship anxiety" floating around the internet with this exact description, and people describing the exact thoughts I'm having. So that's reassuring that I'm not alone, but as someone who studied psychology I do wonder if that's a real thing?

As someone with diagnosed OCD and has suffered from relationship OCD themes in the past, you really need to see a qualified therapist to get an understanding on what is going on and a possible diagnosis. ROCD is so much more than just regular relationship doubts that come and go with time. If you really do have OCD, there's nothing anyone here can tell you that is going to bring you anything more than temporary relief from your obsession and intrusive thoughts; in fact, reassurance seeking on forums like this can be a compulsion itself. Your best bet is to see someone who specializes in OCD and to get assessed. 

Edited August 17, 2022 by Coasting1991