Scared1 Posted August 17, 2022 Share Posted August 17, 2022 My wife and I have been married 18 years and out of the blue last week she told me she wants separation We have two children 10 and 8. In the last week my wife has been working more hours than normal and has disappeared on nights out twice The second time she came through the tunnel near our house stamped at 10pm but came in at 115am! Where has she been? When i asked her she was evasive and said in the end she had been with Alan just talking and why isn't she allowed boyfriends to talk to as i have girl friends i talk to Do we think she's been cheating? She was also extremely blunt with me and told me out of the blue she doesn't find me attractive at all and doesn't love me like she used to. Will only love me for good stuff in the past She's off on holidays at the moment with the kids pre arranged, whilst i am sat at home with the house key moping. She wont engage in conversation and believes we will be able to co exist in the house when she returns and se should be allow to date other men and perhaps be sexually active Anyone got any advice. Should i just say ok off you go instead of fighting for her? Should i investigate who this other dude is? Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted August 17, 2022 Share Posted August 17, 2022 That’s heartbreaking to hear and must be terrifying after 18 years of marriage. What was the marriage like leading up to this? She is telling you she doesn’t want to be with you romantically. Is there a reason why you’re remaining married aside from the kids? There’s no point investigating the other guy. She doesn’t want to be with you. It’s your marriage you might want to focus on and end it if it’s no longer for you. She has checked out. Whether it’s this guy or some other guy she is not interested in you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 17, 2022 Share Posted August 17, 2022 (edited) 46 minutes ago, Scared1 said: out of the blue last week she told me she wants separation. When i asked her she was evasive and said in the end she had been with Alan just talking and why isn't she allowed boyfriends to talk to as i have girl friends i talk to. believes we will be able to co exist in the house when she returns and se should be allow to date other men and perhaps be sexually active. Sorry this is happening. It certainly isn't "out of the blue", since she cites your 'girlfriends' and lack of intimacy as long-standing problems. Dwelling in the same house is not "separating". She want an open relationship. It doesn't matter who her BFs are, Alan or whoever else. She already admits that the marriage and intimacy are huge problems and she wants that elsewhere and is already pursuing that. If staying married in the same house is untenable to you, see an attorney. Edited August 17, 2022 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted August 17, 2022 Share Posted August 17, 2022 Although it isn't always easy and non-problematic to leave, no one can force you stay in a relationship that you really don't want to be in. You must make your own decisions. If my wife acted and spoke as yours appears to be doing, I would probably either file for divorce or double down on the open marriage business and start spending my weekends traveling and "acting like a single man". I doubt we'd last very long (or that either of use would want to stay in it for too long), but who knows. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted August 17, 2022 Share Posted August 17, 2022 (edited) A few additional thoughts - You can't make someone love you or want to (still) be with you if they simply don't. Given what you write, I wouldn't be surprised if you are "plan B" (or will soon become it) and she only intends to stay with you as a "fallback" if things do not pan out with some other man. Whether that has started already or not is anybody's guess, but it sounds like her intent is for it to start soon if it hasn't already. Every woman is different, and some do indeed choose marriages of convenience while they sleep around, but there is a tendency to get want to get attached to someone, so it would not surprise me if she's ultimately looking for that. This is all new to you and no doubt more than a bit of a shock. However, she has probably been "processing" emotions related to the breakup/cheating/"freedom"/"change in the parameters of your marriage" or whatever this is for some time now. So, she is farther ahead along that particular process than you are likely to be, and you'd do well to keep that in mind. For example, you may still be clinging to hopes she will stay or turn back from this path due to emotion, whereas she is in a mental place to "do whatever she chooses". So, you may get "outmaneuvered" so to speak due to a desire/hope for this to work out better than it is looking right now. Sometimes, unfortunately, life gives people relatively stark choices, such as "be married or be happy". Edited August 17, 2022 by mark clemson 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scared1 Posted August 17, 2022 Author Share Posted August 17, 2022 Hi all Thanks for the comments Tell me with her being away and i hold the only key to the house shes expecting me to come up and swop on holidays allowing here to come back down and hence getting the key. Am i mad to allow this Would you cancel it even if it upsets the kids? Shes also worried about me making her homeless (we mortage a house here) but i cant see co existing with someone who is so devious and has turned into a liar What do i do protect the house? And yes the kids are already involved Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scared1 Posted August 17, 2022 Author Share Posted August 17, 2022 Is it the common opinion to start divorce procedures? Should i fight for the kids on the basis of adultry? TBH the kids are more attached to me and no thats not being big headed just the way it is Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted August 17, 2022 Share Posted August 17, 2022 Please speak to a lawyer specializing in family law. You need someone legally versed in your jurisdiction and experienced/knowledgeable enough to advise you on your marriage, children/custody, assets and debts. For a period I was also in shock and immobilized when my marriage was breaking down but you need real advice from a lawyer. Please do not speculate to cut corners. Speaking to a lawyer doesn't mean that you are divorcing either. You're just gaining the information you need to make an informed decision. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 17, 2022 Share Posted August 17, 2022 2 hours ago, Scared1 said: i hold the only key to the house shes expecting me to come up and swop on holidays allowing her to come back down and hence getting the key. Am i mad to allow this. Shes also worried about me making her homeless (we mortage a house here) but i cant see co existing with someone who is so devious. What do i do protect the house? See an attorney. You can not legally lock her out of the house. She also won't be homeless because you can't evict her from her own home. You need an attorney, because if you try either of these things (locking her out/evicting her) it will backfire. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 17, 2022 Share Posted August 17, 2022 2 hours ago, Scared1 said: Should i fight for the kids on the basis of adultry? No. The children did not cheat on you so don't use them as weapons in a divorce. It's not your call. The courts will hear both sides and are there to protect the children and their best interests, not the interests of warring angry parents.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 17, 2022 Share Posted August 17, 2022 6 hours ago, Scared1 said: What do i do protect the house? Consult an attorney immediately for advice on the house and custody. How much time does your wife spend with the kids considering she's out so late? Whatever you do, do not beg her or try to nice her back to being your wife. Be ready to let her go and let her know it. You have to show strength at this point because as you can see she doesn't care one hoot about you. If you fall apart begging she will be sure she's making the right decision. Let her know you will make it with or without her, it doesn't matter. Good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 18, 2022 Share Posted August 18, 2022 Talk to a lawyer before you do anything else, OP. Your marriage is likely over, and I would say that all signs point to her already having an affair. Investigating who he is won't change anything. She's already emotionally left the building with you. I am really sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scared1 Posted August 18, 2022 Author Share Posted August 18, 2022 Cheers all im guessing its bye bye to her Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 18, 2022 Share Posted August 18, 2022 29 minutes ago, Scared1 said: Cheers all im guessing its bye bye to her Why? Did you talk to her or the attorney? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scared1 Posted August 19, 2022 Author Share Posted August 19, 2022 Aye shes decided on mediation and looks like im about to lsoe everything 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 19, 2022 Share Posted August 19, 2022 3 hours ago, Scared1 said: Aye shes decided on mediation and looks like im about to lsoe everything You can always get an attorney if the terms proposed are unacceptable to you. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 19, 2022 Share Posted August 19, 2022 8 hours ago, Scared1 said: Aye shes decided on mediation and looks like im about to lsoe everything What does that mean? Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted August 19, 2022 Share Posted August 19, 2022 8 hours ago, Scared1 said: Aye shes decided on mediation and looks like im about to lsoe everything All you lose is a cheater who isn't into you. Get a good lawyer and file ASAP, then move on with your life without this liability. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
chrysalis3 Posted September 3, 2022 Share Posted September 3, 2022 On 8/17/2022 at 8:55 AM, Scared1 said: My wife and I have been married 18 years and out of the blue last week she told me she wants separation We have two children 10 and 8. That stinks! I am sorry you are in this situation. Why she may have informed you out of the blue, much else had to be going on behind the scenes of the marriage in my opinion. I hope you can get it all worked out. Link to post Share on other sites
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