Recent breakup. Thought I was ok, but.

[Baking4u]

Hello Loveshack. Thanks in advance for reading. I welcome your feedback.

My boyfriend and I of about 3 years broke up several months ago. It was hard for us both because we were together basically every day. Spoke to each other several times a day. There was no one incident that caused the breakup. Instead, for me...it was a buildup of the same issue(s) not changing. We met as friends, but it developed into more.  He was and pretty much has been a gentleman overall. I love that about him. He's also protective. I love that too, but it can be a bit "strange" sometimes. We shared several interests in different leisure activities (outdoors and ideals about life).  We've met each other's families and I was involved with his family a great deal while we were together and even shortly after. His family lives local. My family is several hours away.  From that involvement though, I observed a few things that gave me pause. Additionally, there are some fundamental differences that my ex and I have. Because of the differences I discussed it with my ex a few times, until things just became more too much for me to deal with. In my mind it's just not worth the headache. Some personal habits (from us both) and his temper to name a few. 

I've known a few people who just don't do well with stress or communicating what they want. They expect other people to read their minds.  So, when something bothered my ex or I didn't call him as much as he'd like, he became really upset (passive aggressively mostly). 

So, I chose to break up.  We both tried to work through some things.  We got back together, and he proposed (and I accepted) but I could see that our issues would not go away any time soon. So even after us seeing each other several times and spending time together (during the break-up), I maintained distance. I never initiate calls and barely text messages. Not because I hate him. I just became a bit indifferent after talking about the same issues one too many times. I don't like repeating myself. I feel like some issues are worth working through. However, some things are not and there are some things about people that we have to just accept will not change... not right away anyway. For me, instead of complaining or trying to change my ex(fiancé), my mantra has always been that "I'd rather remove myself than try changing that specific thing about you." He's asked me several times to tell him what the issues are so that he could fix them or work through them. I have told him some things. He had a few issues with me too, but my issue isn't my temper when stressed or chemical substances that I depend on.

The caveat: 1) His mom recently got very sick and has been in critical condition for a few weeks now. So, my ex told me of course because I know his mom relatively well. My ex is not handling it well, but he told me appreciates my support. I went to visit his mom but I'm now keeping my distance from my ex, in person and via phone because I feel like he needs space and time to deal, and I don't want him thinking that I am trying to push myself back into the picture... 2) Here's the thing... a few months ago my ex moved into my condo community. I'm not afraid or anything, but I have to admit it's weird as h*ll and I told him that. I didn't spazz out. I was calm when he told me, but inside I'm like "hu...???" This area is not close to his job and it's about 40 minutes away from where he used to live.  Now by him living so close I feel like I can never really heal like I need to, as much as I'm trying to forget about him and keep my distance.  Before he moved out here, once he parked out in my parking lot and watched me from a distant parking space when I didn't answer his calls (this was during a time I was trying to maintain or distance). He never thought I saw him until I brought it up telling him I saw him. He then admitted it and said he did it only once and regrets it.

Questions:

Am I wrong for being distant while his mom is in such a serious condition? My ex said to me that she may not make it..

Am I crazy to still miss him sometimes to the point where I think to myself for a minute "what if we got back together?"

[John Glasby]

I'm very confused. Are you two engaged or not? 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. You were right to cut your losses with someone who has anger problems and is this controlling.

Delete and block him. He has friends and family to help him with his mother.

[Baking4u]

10 hours ago, John Glasby said:

I'm very confused. Are you two engaged or not? 

No… not now. I broke up with him. We were trying to work through things but I know it isn’t going to work.

He moved to my condo “community “ , not in with me per se, in case that was also confusing. It’s just that there are so many other places he could’ve moved to other than where I live.

 

[Baking4u]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. You were right to cut your losses with someone who has anger problems and is this controlling.

Delete and block him. He has friends and family to help him with his mother.

Thanks

[Surferchiq22]

Hopefully you'll heal sooner than later.  Does he get angry a lot? Just asking because you mentioned he waited outside your home... not cool. Not sure what he planned on doing when seeing you and how often he does that.

Not trying to frighten you, but he is living extremely close to you now.

[Surferchiq22]

Any feedback is welcome guys. Long story short. I started this job a few months ago and already I'm noticing my boss seems untrustworthy. There are several things that have not been provided for me to do my job and to make my clients comfortable day in and day out. What's bothers me most is that I finally thought this was a chance for me to get more financially stable after the pandemic and now this job feels like a big mistake. The pandemic brought about many financial challenges, and I never want to go back to that state of being.

I brought the issues up to my supervisor and he basically keeps making broken promises for things like my office space being more secure to keep files, key fab to parts of the building, and fixing my client list to a more appropriate amount. Right now someone else just quit so I'm taking on their load as well. Not cool. I'm ready to quit already.

What would you do?

[Alpacalia]

Have you tried to memorialize the promise with a follow-up memo noting your understanding? In the case your boss denies the promise, it will be much more difficult for them to deny it, and you will have a written confirmation that you can present to your boss's superior as a last resort if necessary.

Promos, raises, and working conditions are all subject to your boss's goodwill, which means vague promises cannot be legally enforced. Be sure not to mistake vague promises (such as: I'll see what we can do) for absolute guarantees.

Try not to fret.

You don't need to find a new employer tomorrow, but you can start by thinking about what you need and want in a new position in the future that you aren't getting now.

If your boss is incompetent, lazy, unable to communicate, or generally a poor leader, it won't matter how much you like the work on your desk — the job is likely to make you miserable anyway.

Edited August 19, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Baking4u]

3 hours ago, Surferchiq22 said:

Hopefully you'll heal sooner than later.  Does he get angry a lot? Just asking because you mentioned he waited outside your home... not cool. Not sure what he planned on doing when seeing you and how often he does that.

Not trying to frighten you, but he is living extremely close to you now.

Thanks. Yes he does have a temper problem that I gradually saw more over time. I saw it in his interaction with his family and a few times with me when I bruised his ego or didn’t call answer his calls fast enough or if his family made him upset. His family even told me how mad (and jealous) he would get sometimes when he’d see me talking to a male. His family act in ways that indicate they’re used to his temper. That alone was a big problem, the fact that they’ve basically chosen to “just deal with it”.  It’s one of the biggest reasons I realized I needed to call off the engagement and break up with him altogether. 
 

I don’t think I’m afraid of him living close to me but I do stay more vigilant than usual now that I know he’s “out here”. I feel like his choice to move into my complex could be his way of not being accused of trespassing if he ever did decide to watch me from afar …again. when I think about that, I want to move as soon as possible.

 Otherwise I still have mixed emotions , i.e. glad I made the choice to break up but I’m kind of mad with myself for having been in contact with him recently.  

[Weezy1973]

If you’re in the US or Canada both countries are basically at full employment right now, which means there’s lots of openings, and wage pressures. Don’t quit immediately, but start searching and you’ll likely be able to find something pretty quickly.

[ShyViolet]

On 8/18/2022 at 12:14 AM, Baking4u said:

Am I wrong for being distant while his mom is in such a serious condition? My ex said to me that she may not make it..

You are no longer his girlfriend or his fiancé, you are broken up.  It is NOT your job or your place to be there for him regarding his mom.  It would be inappropriate for you to "be there" and stay involved.  The best thing for you to do is completely remove yourself from the situation, cut off contact with him.

13 hours ago, Baking4u said:

I don’t think I’m afraid of him living close to me but I do stay more vigilant than usual now that I know he’s “out here”. I feel like his choice to move into my complex could be his way of not being accused of trespassing if he ever did decide to watch me from afar …again. when I think about that, I want to move as soon as possible.

This is absolutely, extremely concerning.  You don't "think" you're afraid of him?  This guy sounds like a stalker.  What he is doing is creepy.  He's trying to keep tabs on you and intimidate you.  If an ex did this to me, I would call out this behavior, I would tell him that I know exactly what he's trying to do and that he's behaving like a stalker.  And if he does anything else inappropriate I'd get a restraining order.

[stillafool]

I completely agree with ShyViolet.  As a matter of fact if an ex moved into my apartment complex or even on my street I would immediately start looking for a new place to live.  I would be so angry at the invasion of my privacy I wouldn't know what to do.  This guy is bad news with a capital B.  I hope you get away from this creep soon for your own good.

[Baking4u]

3 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

You are no longer his girlfriend or his fiancé, you are broken up.  It is NOT your job or your place to be there for him regarding his mom.  It would be inappropriate for you to "be there" and stay involved.  The best thing for you to do is completely remove yourself from the situation, cut off contact with him.

This is absolutely, extremely concerning.  You don't "think" you're afraid of him?  This guy sounds like a stalker.  What he is doing is creepy.  He's trying to keep tabs on you and intimidate you.  If an ex did this to me, I would call out this behavior, I would tell him that I know exactly what he's trying to do and that he's behaving like a stalker.  And if he does anything else inappropriate I'd get a restraining order.

I'm not afraid of him... I'm really not. If anything, I am concerned about how he may passive aggressively handle his frustration/general emotions, etc due to the fact that he's now so close to me, his mom is in serious condition, just a few weeks ago his mom (so he says) sent me some household items she thought I could use, and yet after us being in contact around that time I still did not agree to work things out. Prior to me knowing he planned to move out here he did bring up the possibility of how we could work things out/get back together. I listened, but basically told him that I'm not trying to keep dealing with him on that level. We have seen one another several times before his mom got ill. Still, I would keep my distance and not initiate contact nor agree to talk or see him frequently. I proceeded to say the issues that exist will not go away any time soon and that I'm not willing to stick around for it. I'm not perfect but we both know what his issue(s) are. He got upset when telling me that he never wanted to break up and says I never tell him that I want to be with him or that I want to work things out. This is true, especially for the second half of our relationship. I knew I would not stick around to deal with his negative issues because they affected our relationship in the worst ways. It was good when good, but too much when we had bad incidents.  

*Case in point is the last issue that made me finally decide to not get back with him was when we walked into a store a while back. Basically, my ex got rude and cold with a male staff who I interacted with cordially when walking in. I walked in before my ex, so my ex noticed the interaction and became rude and SILENT, staring at the male staff. The male staff in my opinion was just being cordial (possibly flirtatious if you ask my ex), but my ex felt otherwise, I guess.

When we left the store, instead of speaking to me about the issue directly, my ex acted as if he was mad... about something else (which didn't make sense to me) and eventually started a bad argument. I refused to continue arguing with him and told him to leave and that, this would be the last time he spoke to me like that. And it was. We all have the right to be mad periodically but what matters is how we deal with our anger. 

He's never really addressed his frustration with me head on, because he doesn't always know how to handle his emotions without getting super upset. Plus, he admits he holds grudges for a long time. So he'll let his anger fester and process it in his own way, then bring it up in some undercurrent way... days, weeks or sometimes months later. 

I know him moving so close is creepy. I also know that I don't need to be there for him right now ...and I'm not. I'm just trying to vent here in LS and process my mixed emotions. I have been looking for another place to stay, trust me. I do feel like my privacy has been invaded especially because I now know that he indeed has watched me from afar. I may be in denial about him having stalker potential. The last time he wasn't able to reach me via phone for a day or 2, was the time he watched me from a distant parking space. I later let him know I saw him and he admitted it, saying he regretted it and that he only did it once... He'd be stupid to try that again.

 

 

[glows]

Vent as much as you need to. Yes, him moving closer to you is odd. You can't control him as a person or what he does. Only figure out what you wish to do with the rest of your life and get going. It's not a wrong at all to distance yourself from your ex. He has to learn to cope on his own, leaning on his own support system and finding support/resources. You're not a part of that anymore. 

It's also not unusual to have "what if" thoughts or miss a recent ex. Cut yourself some slack. Don't beat yourself up so hard over these thoughts or emotions that come in waves. Tell yourself that you're not feeling so great now but you'll get through it. This is just for today or tomorrow. It doesn't mean it's forever or that it's going to last a long time. 

If you feel it's better to start planning a move to distance yourself from your ex, then start planning for that. If he tries to contact you let him know that you don't wish to stay in contact and prefer you both have some privacy. Be wary that he uses his mother's health to stay in contact with you. If he actually respects you or respects himself and is listening to what you're asking in terms of privacy, he won't approach you again or hassle you.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Baking4u said:

 The last time he wasn't able to reach me via phone for a day or 2, was the time he watched me from a distant parking space. I later let him know I saw him and he admitted it,

Get a video security system for your home. If he is actually "stalking you", you can contact the police, however he has a right to be in his own parking lot.

It would be best to completely distance yourself from him emotionally and physically as much as possible.

Delete and block him and stop contacting him. It's time to let go.

[BrinnM]

On 8/19/2022 at 12:19 AM, Surferchiq22 said:

Right now someone else just quit so I'm taking on their load as well. Not cool. I'm ready to quit already.

If you get paid overtime, it shouldn’t matter. Good opportunity to make more $$ for a while. Or to ask for a raise soon. 
If you’re ready to quit, do as @Weezy1973said - look around but don’t quit right away. 

[Baking4u]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Get a video security system for your home. If he is actually "stalking you", you can contact the police, however he has a right to be in his own parking lot.

It would be best to completely distance yourself from him emotionally and physically as much as possible.

Delete and block him and stop contacting him. It's time to let go.

Yep. I agree with you.

One clarification though. This condo community is large enough that my parking lot is a totally different side of the community. Technically he would have a right to be on the property (in general), but it wouldn’t make logical sense for him to be “posted up” in “my” parking lot (where I park) per se.

The more I reflect, I recall him telling me over time that he knows this other guy who lives in this community. I saw him talking to the guy once ,but it was at night so I couldn’t see him well. To me it always sounded like my ex was trying to create reasons for me to feel like he had “eyes on me”. 

I hate thinking about it because it’s annoying and is truly invasive of my privacy, then and especially now at this juncture. I don’t hate him but I really value my peace and privacy. he knows that and is generally a controlling and/or passive aggressive in sometimes pretending he doesn’t understand that.

*For the record, I’ve always been a very private person and dont care much for initiating contact or calls to men/him about what’s going on with me(other than with my immediate friends and family circle), when we were together, but especially now.  He’d get bothered by that characteristic of mine. I would let him know that I don’t respond well to men/him thinking he can play games to MAKE me contact him or reach out… ( he admittedly played those types of games). Perhaps my communication style frustrated him lots, but I am who I am. And so when seeing a negative energy in someone I am no longer motivated to make space for that person in my life. He’s exuded lots of negative energy and this is a fact… I hate that I’m reflecting on it now but maybe it will help me heal quicker. 

[mark clemson]

If it was me, I suspect I'd land another job first, then quit.

[Baking4u]

9 hours ago, glows said:

Vent as much as you need to. Yes, him moving closer to you is odd. You can't control him as a person or what he does. Only figure out what you wish to do with the rest of your life and get going. It's not a wrong at all to distance yourself from your ex. He has to learn to cope on his own, leaning on his own support system and finding support/resources. You're not a part of that anymore. 

It's also not unusual to have "what if" thoughts or miss a recent ex. Cut yourself some slack. Don't beat yourself up so hard over these thoughts or emotions that come in waves. Tell yourself that you're not feeling so great now but you'll get through it. This is just for today or tomorrow. It doesn't mean it's forever or that it's going to last a long time. 

If you feel it's better to start planning a move to distance yourself from your ex, then start planning for that. If he tries to contact you let him know that you don't wish to stay in contact and prefer you both have some privacy. Be wary that he uses his mother's health to stay in contact with you. If he actually respects you or respects himself and is listening to what you're asking in terms of privacy, he won't approach you again or hassle you.

Thanks for your response. Dido to what I was saying in response to Wiseman2.

I value my peace AND privacy. My ex knows this and never really liked the fact that I did NOT care much for calling or FaceTime-ing him all the time . I’m always “on” with the type of work I do, so during my personal time I like being solitary(and at peace) a lot… without drama or chaos, which is what my ex and his family has a lot of. I’m not even exaggerating…

This venting is helpful. So thanks again.

[stillafool]

Yeah, vent all you want on your thread because the more you write about him I can definitely see why you broke up and are moving on from this mess.