Break up

[RedKite8]

Firstly, this is not where I thought I would have been, 5 months ago I met a sweet soul online, we appeared to bond, click, we arranged to meet after 1 month of talking over phone/whatsapp, etc.

2-3 dates, became 6-8-10 - everything was fine, the initial time we very much felt at great together, she told me so. Then 3 months in she started saying that she needed space a little, I admittedly didn't take it so well. we rekindled chatted, and things appeared good. Holidays occurred for both sides, her family, and then I went away with my kids. We again shared photos, and very much was looking forward to seeing each other. She then went completely vacant for 4 days, we didn't say much to each other. I then saw this as red flag, that plus the space thing, plus all communications were becoming SMS. Its like she was hiding. We met a couple of times after holidays, and then she sends a long voice note - and a SMS - along the lines of. 

Over the last 1.5 months, things have been blurred. I feel I have been trying to find a connection with you that I want, All the things that I want with someone, but when I come away from seeing you it doesn't feel right with us. I cant explain it, and my family think its the wrong relationship because I don't look happy. I am really sad, disappointed, you are so kind and have a huge heart, I will miss so much about this, but I can't wait for a connection that doesn't appear to be there. Please checkin in now and then I would like to know you're doing ok and happy xxx 

I've had my own issues, that I haven't told her, work, stress at times, some finance, house refurbs and the above uncertainty didn't help from her. At times I feel that I wasn't firing on all cylinders, but I also feel that the last 1.5 months, its been on the back of mind things were so uncertain in her head, I didn't want to communicate, or rock the apple cart....

I don't know what to do now, I feel we could be good together, I really do, but her final point was it was becoming a decision more than a feeling, I'm not a chaser, I let people go, but my issue is I've let people go only to find out that they have missed me in the past etc, very confused 40+ Adult. Welcome a views on this.... 

I've dated many women, and she was one that I really thought we could be something great..............

and if nots coming back what do I do -

Feel Lost at 40

Edited August 18, 2022 by RedKite8
typo

[Baking4u]

Don't feel too bad. You're not alone. Although I'm sorry you're going through this.

One thing that I know to be true is that you can't force anything. If someone says they need space early on, either give them all the space they need or try having a real (but brief) conversation about what your expectations are compared to hers. Hopefully, you're doing ok right now and that perhaps you've had a chance to do something for yourself to avoid overthinking.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry this happened, OP. 

It seems she just didn't have the right feelings to continue, and started backing away quite early on. That's your cue that this wasn't going to work. I am also about your age (41 here) and sense your disappointment at having this fizzle,  but it just was not the right match for her. There's not much you can (or should) do about that. That connection is either there, or it isn't. While it was there for you, it wasn't for her. 

It stings, but it's better to let go of the idea of this coming back together. 

[RedKite8]

Thanks, its been one week, and its been tough, many unanswered questions. But as you say you cannot change someone's feelings.

We talked everyday nearly, albeit SMS or phone.

I want to reach out, the confident part of me believes I could in time resolve this but then the other part is - well she just says no...….. the stinging part was her last voice note was one of confusion but direct, - ("I know I might be making the biggest mistake of my life, but then again It doesn't feel right, I will miss you, but I cant give you what you want, my heads disconnected, and my heart now too". 

breakups, even in your 40s, are still not good, I get it - she has made it clear, tough tho.

[RedKite8]

An update to this, 

2 weeks, Gone NC, never heard from the now ex. I have some clothing at her house, she hasn't contacted me either. 

I think week 2 you start to think how much time and headspace you have invested, and in the time we dated opened up, something which I thought was the right thing, and then.....

I check out a new dating app (was I ready to do so) probably not, did I realise that I would find myself staring at her 'just joined profile, literally the first 3 profiles that I was presented with! - I guess I didn't. With reference to wanting someone that's empathic has emotional maturity and "keeps the spark alive", then mentions she needs someone to enhance her life..... been in two minds to reply.  It feels like she is the spoiled little rich girl, fed up with that toy, just go for another....

It's just very disappointing, from March to this..... , all the reasons why I stopped dating for a while! welcome thoughts : (

[Wiseman2]

32 minutes ago, RedKite8 said:

 I realise that I would find myself staring at her 'just joined profile, literally the first 3 profiles that I was presented with.

Well, you would not have seen her profile if you weren't there yourself, right? Immediately delete and block her. She can see you visiting her profile. 

If you need your stuff from her place ask In Writing and arrange a mutually convenient time to collect it. The onus is on you if you want it, otherwise she can toss it in 30 days.

Let go. Don't play peekaboo games on dating apps.

If you actually feel ready to date fine otherwise take a breather and regroup for a while.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry, OP. That must sting. 

Now you know in no uncertain terms that you can close this door. So definitely don't do this: 
 

2 hours ago, RedKite8 said:

been in two minds to reply

This will get you nowhere, and won't make you feel better. 

[RedKite8]

I wouldn't have viewed it - its one of them, sat watching the end of a film, thinking what's next for me, it was more of who is out there, she said she would never use apps,

However I didn't expect to either, she clearly was true to her word, has acted how she would be like should we split - "she was good at cutting off and moving on"

I am letting go @wiseman2, I have to say tho, even as experienced as I am, it's been a very difficult one, one minute meeting new people, her friends, and members of her family etc, then the next well its been 2 weeks and nothing. 

Cruel  Summer indeed!