I ended things because she said she wasn't into me, but I miss her and want her back

[Kafui]

I was seeing this girl for 2 months, everything seemed quite alright, sex life was good, dates were very fun, and I met her friends and family during this period. But I noticed she kind of held back. She wasn’t a very affectionate person compared to me. About a month ago I asked her about it and she said we needed to talk. She mentioned that she felt like I was more into her than she was into me. She said she doesn’t know if she would ever get to the point I am at, but there was a chance that she could. I was hurt and my first instinct was to tell her we should end things and just be friends, because if she wasn’t into me then we were wasting each other’s time. A few days later I started missing her terribly, I kept reaching out to her to make conversation and meet up to talk. She kept replying days later and dismissed my attempts of meeting her saying she was busy. For someone who I was seeing, she acted so detached and unbothered during the breakup period. Finally she agreed to meet up 3 weeks after the break up and it was a good date. I got her some sentimental gifts and confessed that I was willing to start over, and give us another shot if she was interested. I told her to think about it and give me a response when she is ready. A week later she sent a cold, detached message telling me she doesn’t think we are right for each other. She said I am a lovely person and deserve the best, but seeing me is giving the wrong impression. Do you guys think I made a mistake?

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Kafui said:

 Do you guys think I made a mistake?

Made a mistake calling it off?

Not at all. It was going to happen sooner or later, and she would have wound up doing it herself if you hadn't beat her to it. She didn't the have the same interest in you that you did in her, so regardless of what you did, this wasn't going to progress. 

You were smart not to delay the inevitable. Now you just have to work on accepting that she isn't the right one of you, and cut off contact. 

[stillafool]

She has told you that you like her more than she likes you.  As a woman myself, I don't see that changing.  She's just not that into you.  You can't make someone want you.  You have to leave her alone and start dating other girls before you get really hurt.  Sooner or later she will meet another guy she's into and you will be sad.  Leave her alone now so you can get over her and move on.

[Kafui]

49 minutes ago, stillafool said:

She has told you that you like her more than she likes you.  As a woman myself, I don't see that changing.  She's just not that into you.  You can't make someone want you.  You have to leave her alone and start dating other girls before you get really hurt.  Sooner or later she will meet another guy she's into and you will be sad.  Leave her alone now so you can get over her and move on.

It’s so difficult cos I remember some of the things she said while we were together. She said I was the only person to ever treat her right, she said she felt I was out of her league, she couldn’t believe I actually wanted to be with her, and I kept reassuring her that she had my full attention, I didn’t want anyone else. She said I made her feel comfortable. How does a woman say all these things and still decide they don’t want to be with you? It’s so difficult to accept 

[Kafui]

54 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Made a mistake calling it off?

Not at all. It was going to happen sooner or later, and she would have wound up doing it herself if you hadn't beat her to it. She didn't the have the same interest in you that you did in her, so regardless of what you did, this wasn't going to progress. 

You were smart not to delay the inevitable. Now you just have to work on accepting that she isn't the right one of you, and cut off contact. 

Do I completely go cold turkey? Or can I check up on her from time to time to show that I am not a complete a**h***

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Kafui said:

She said I am a lovely person and deserve the best, but seeing me is giving the wrong impression. 

Sorry this happened. You did nothing wrong. Dating 60 days is a good time for people to determine compatibility and in this case she was not feeling it. You need to respect her decision and stop contacting her.

It may be time to reflect if you have tendencies to suffocate people or chase too hard. Let go and spare your self-respect. Never bargain or beg for someone to want to be with you.

[Kafui]

19 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. You did nothing wrong. Dating 60 days is a good time for people to determine compatibility and in this case she was not feeling it. You need to respect her decision and stop contacting her.

It may be time to reflect if you have tendencies to suffocate people or chase too hard. Let go and spare your self-respect. Never bargain or beg for someone to want to be with you.

Thank you for this, I needed to hear it. I think a little self reflection at this point is needed. I might have certain tendencies that although I mean well, could be misinterpreted as too much

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Kafui said:

Or can I check up on her from time to time to show that I am not a complete a**h***

Why would she think you're an a-h?

You two are not together and she has politely told you that it's best to let go. There is no need to check in with her, and I doubt she wants that. She doesn't think you're a jerk. This is just you looking for reasons to hang on, but it will backfire. It will wind up hurting you to lurk around and then one day find out she's met another guy. 

2 hours ago, Kafui said:

How does a woman say all these things and still decide they don’t want to be with you?

She hardly knew you when she said all these things. That doesn't mean you aren't wonderful, but you have to take all that with a grain of salt in the very early stages of dating. You don't know each other well enough to make big, sincere statements like that. It sounds like she got caught up in the thrill of something new but changed her mind. Maybe an ex came back. Maybe she started talking to someone else. Maybe you came on too stongly. Hard to say. The point is that you have to look where you are now (with her declining to continue seeing each other) and not get stuck on the past. 

[mark clemson]

It sounds like this was a fling and is more or less destined to be only that. IMO you should accept this, process your feelings a bit, and then focus on moving on. It's perhaps unfortunate that you stayed with her long enough to emotionally bond, but what's done is done.

"Pining" over her will accomplish little except waste precious time in your life. You cannot make someone else love you if they are simply not feeling it, no matter how YOU may feel about them. She is doing the right thing by ending it now rather then letting you become even more attached. Recognize this and move on. In time your extended fling will just be something you look back on as a pleasant but also bittersweet memory, just like most other prior relationships.

Edited August 19, 2022 by mark clemson

[flitzanu]

6 hours ago, Kafui said:

It’s so difficult cos I remember some of the things she said while we were together. She said I was the only person to ever treat her right, she said she felt I was out of her league, she couldn’t believe I actually wanted to be with her, and I kept reassuring her that she had my full attention, I didn’t want anyone else. She said I made her feel comfortable. How does a woman say all these things and still decide they don’t want to be with you? It’s so difficult to accept 

doesn't matter what she said in the past, and i'm sure she meant it at the moment she said it.  that doesn't mean it is true forever.  she made it clear she isn't into you, that sucks, but now you can find someone who is into you as much as you are them.

[ShyViolet]

Your first instinct was 100% right.  When she told you she wasn't that into you, you did the right thing in ending the relationship.  Don't ever chase someone who isn't that interested in you. Don't put yourself in a position of desperation like that.  You need to ignore the urges to reach out to her or chase her again.  This woman has made it very clear, painfully clear, that she is not interested in you.  Maintain your self-respect and face reality.  Leave her alone and move on.

[stillafool]

10 hours ago, Kafui said:

It’s so difficult cos I remember some of the things she said while we were together. She said I was the only person to ever treat her right, she said she felt I was out of her league, she couldn’t believe I actually wanted to be with her, and I kept reassuring her that she had my full attention, I didn’t want anyone else. She said I made her feel comfortable. How does a woman say all these things and still decide they don’t want to be with you? It’s so difficult to accept 

She probably meant all of those things she said to you but all of that doesn't create romantic interest.  I've met men I felt the same way about but I didn't want to kiss them or have sex with them.  She probably wishes she felt that way about you.  Whereas another guy who doesn't treat her right, is in her league (fiancially) is the one she pines for.  The heart wants what the heart wants and sometimes it doesn't make sense.

[R22X]

Hey Darling,

I am a 31 year old women.

I am so sorry, but she is not into you and never was.

Move on and do not lose your self dignity