Is my girlfriend being patronizing? or am I being too sensitive?

[beng1]

Hi!

Recently my girlfriend has been saying somethings which to me feels very patronizing. I'm interested in hearing other peoples opinions - is it patronizing or am I just being sensitive?

Some examples:

She came home from work and I had spent hours tidying/cleaning the entire house, one of the first things she said when getting home is..
her: "you didn't want to tidy the chair?"
me: "oh i forgot i was so busy  rushing around"
her: "i think its cute you dont notice things like that" (she was referring to the fact i didnt plump up the cushions).

Other examples are..

I would be cooking us dinner and she will come in and be like "are you not following a recipe???" (she says in a way like im not capable of cooking on my own)
 

If I say something she doesn't understand she says "what?" in a way like im completely stupid. Instead of nicely asking what I mean.

Its hard to explain as a lot of it is the tone and way she says these things. Makes me feel like im not capable of doing things. Is this behaviour patronizing do you think?

 

[FMW]

Your examples certainly could be patronizing.  Interpreting what someone says, as you noted, includes tone of voice.  Facial expressions also come into play. If you feel you're being patronized then you probably are.  

When she says them, tell her how those comments come across.  I would probably have a less mature or snarky response like "If you'd rather take care of all the cooking and cleaning let me know".  

[basil67]

Yeah, she was seriously rude.  If you're going to stay with her, you need some better responses to shut her down

With the plumping of pillows, don't tell her that you forgot.   Be honest and tell her that you don't care about the plumping of the pillows, but she's welcome to do it if she cares so much

Cooking without a recipe?  Tell her that if she doesn't like your cooking style, she's welcome to do it all.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, beng1 said:

She came home from work and I had spent hours tidying/cleaning the entire house, one of the first things she said when getting home is..
her: "you didn't want to tidy the chair?"
me: "oh i forgot i was so busy  rushing around"
her: "i think its cute you dont notice things like that" .

Sorry this is going on. How long have you been dating? How long have you lived together?

It sounds like there is some mutual resentment and she expresses hers in a passive-aggressive manner with backhanded remarks and innuendo. She seems to imply that there is discord over household tasks but won't come out and state this clearly.

Are you both working? Do you both participate roughly equally financially? Try to find out what's behind the resentment.

[smackie9]

if this has always been a thing with her, there is no fixing this, this is her personality. You date someone to find out if they are suitable for the long haul....she is not for you. 

[alphamale]

Kick her to the curb. She is being ridiculous 

[ExpatInItaly]

I have a friend like this. 

She can be wonderful, but I can't be around her for extended periods as it's very grating after a certain point. I have more than once put her in her place when she gets like this, and she stops for a bit, but it's her nature. 

The same is likely true of your girlfriend. Only you can decide if that's tolerable. 

[Gaeta]

How old is she?

When I was a very young wife I had tendencies to want things my way. My ex-husband would mop the floors and I'd complain on how he went about it, I remember once the iron broke and he went to buy a new one and I complained because he had bought something expensive. All this was a lack of emotional maturity on my part. If my ex had told me I was insensitive to his efforts I probably would have ignored it, it's when a very close friend to us pointed to me my behavior that I snapped out of it. 

I think she needs to be told, but by someone from the outside. You could also have her read this thread. 

[beng1]

Thanks everyone! We have been together for about 4 years and lived together for 1 year. She has always been a little bit like this but it was rare and never bothered me. But the last few months its been happening a lot and really starting to bother me.

[beng1]

43 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

How old is she?

When I was a very young wife I had tendencies to want things my way. My ex-husband would mop the floors and I'd complain on how he went about it, I remember once the iron broke and he went to buy a new one and I complained because he had bought something expensive. All this was a lack of emotional maturity on my part. If my ex had told me I was insensitive to his efforts I probably would have ignored it, it's when a very close friend to us pointed to me my behavior that I snapped out of it. 

I think she needs to be told, but by someone from the outside. You could also have her read this thread. 

She is very much like that! She would complain if I do things 'wrong' when infact its perfectly fine but just different to her way of doing something. She is 27. Thanks for your input, very interesting. I'm not sure if others have noticed it, I'll ask my friend about this

[Alpacalia]

No.

You are not being "too sensitive."

She's dissatisfied with something.

What that something is remains to be seen.

[Weezy1973]

Together 5 years and living together 1 year. Are you planning on getting married and having a family? 
 

My wife has specific ways she wants things done, and for those chores she does them herself. She doesn’t complain at all about the things I do around the house. I actually made clear at the beginning that I wouldn’t tolerate it. And neither should you. She can either do it herself, or accept the way you do it graciously. 

[Rider on the Storm]

39 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

No.

You are not being "too sensitive."

She's dissatisfied with something.

What that something is remains to be seen.

These were my thoughts exactly.

I experienced something similar in my past relationship. I brought it up on a couple of occasions and really hoped that she would change this. Ultimately, she didn't and it was a deal breaker for me. The passive aggressive and patronizing comments shouldn't be taken lightly. As Alpacalia said, she's dissatisfied with "something".

Don't be afraid to discuss this with her and let her know that it is adversely impacting your relationship. Try to find out what the underlying issue really is. If she isn't receptive, or the behavior continues, you would be best served to move on without her.

Edited August 19, 2022 by Rider on the Storm

[poppyfields]

Hello @beng1, I too have experienced this with a man I briefly dated years ago.   He took it upon himself to criticize me for nearly everything I did, according to him I did nothing right.

I recall at the time thinking to myself and even telling some of my friends "I am dating this man and he's attentive enough, texts regularly, takes me out, however it doesn't appear he "likes" me very much."  I remember this like it was yesterday!  

It was quite debasing and degrading.

Anyway, after around two months, I had had enough.  He came to mine one night and criticized the new throw I had purchased for my sofa, saying it was the wrong color, that my taste and style needed improving etc etc.   The usual BS he had been giving me since almost day one.

Like I said, I had had enough so I chimed back "well (his name), since you find so many things wrong with me, why do YOU stay with me?  What does that say about YOU that you would continue to date a woman you find so many things wrong with"?

I turned it around back on him!

That really threw him off and he began apologizing, blah blah, but by then it was too late.

I broke up with him and asked him to leave.   Despite his many efforts to reconnect with me, I was done.  Big fat NEXT.

There is a saying "we teach people how to treat us."

Meaning if you continue to allow her toxic behavior to continue, YOU are teaching her that it's OK and she will never understand that this is NOT how you treat someone you care about.

I am not suggesting you break things off like I did, in retrospect I wasn't all that into him anyway, but DO speak up about it as others have suggested.

Good luck!

 

 

Edited August 19, 2022 by poppyfields

[flitzanu]

i'm going to say the unpopular thing and ask, ARE YOU hypersensitive?  

do you have self esteem issues that would make you think anytime someone asks a question that you're automatically being attacked?

i don't think t he other opinions are "bad" and your gf absolutely could be a hateful critical jerk, 

BUT, 

i would also be asking exactly what you are, if you are being too sensitive.  is it your natural reaction to think everyone is criticizing or you aren't good enough, or smart enough?  sometimes questions are just questions, not everything is "an attack"

[Lotsgoingon]

Dude, those comments are worth, throwing the food out the door and saying, "you pleased with that?!"

Now, I exaggerate. But her comments are downright nasty, vicious, passively aggressively so. And passive-aggressive comments--which seem neutral but really pack a heavy negative punch--can be harder to respond to than someone being a direct jerk.

That you are even ASKING if these comments are appropriate tells me you're putting up with a lot of nasty remarks. 

This is worth a fight over--like a days-long, week-long, get things on the table, fight--that's if you want to stay with her.  You want to go the diplomatic route, you can say how much the comments hurt and how much they dismiss the work you're doing for the house and for her. 

Bottom line: she needs to TOTALLY correct on this, not partially, not "I'll try to watch what I say." No, she says that, you need to dump her. She needs to totally back off and stop making those kinds of comments or else you're going to hear them the rest of your life. 

[mark clemson]

She sounds kind of mean.

At the risk of generalizing, I think many women like a man who's "nice" to them, BUT they also like a man who shows "backbone." So suggest you not let this go too far. She can clean stuff up too if she doesn't like the way you're doing it.

Every couple's different. I think if you were the type to break up over stuff like this you already would have. However, that doesn't mean you need to let her "walk all over you" either. IMO you should be able to push back on this a bit without it "escalating" to a make-or-break the relationship thing.

Edited August 19, 2022 by mark clemson

[Ami1uwant]

9 hours ago, beng1 said:

Hi!

Recently my girlfriend has been saying somethings which to me feels very patronizing. I'm interested in hearing other peoples opinions - is it patronizing or am I just being sensitive?

Some examples:

She came home from work and I had spent hours tidying/cleaning the entire house, one of the first things she said when getting home is..
her: "you didn't want to tidy the chair?"
me: "oh i forgot i was so busy  rushing around"
her: "i think its cute you dont notice things like that" (she was referring to the fact i didnt plump up the cushions).

Other examples are..

I would be cooking us dinner and she will come in and be like "are you not following a recipe???" (she says in a way like im not capable of cooking on my own)
 

If I say something she doesn't understand she says "what?" in a way like im completely stupid. Instead of nicely asking what I mean.

Its hard to explain as a lot of it is the tone and way she says these things. Makes me feel like im not capable of doing things. Is this behaviour patronizing do you think?

 

Contextual past is required.

 

these alone can be interpreted very differently.

 

my ex-wife woukd throw biased questions at me in her wording thst ticked me off.  Insyrad of asking “where did you go?” It was loaded with a perceived opinion of “ did you go to XXXagain? ( place didn’t like me going to)

[BaileyB]

I certainly have friends like this - it’s personality but more than that, I think it’s just their communication style.

One friend who can be very parteinizinf and she frequently delivers what I would call a back handed compliment - “I love what you’ve done to the place… for a small/older home, you’ve certainly down the best you can to make it look nice.” Umm… thanks.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, beng1 said:

We have been together for about 4 years and lived together for 1 year. But the last few months its been happening a lot and really starting to bother me.

What was the understanding with moving in together? Just living together? Marriage? Family? Do you both work and do roughly the same amount of household stuff and pay roughly the same? How is the intimacy/romance? 

This kind of passive-aggressive bickering is never about what it's about. She's kind of annoyed at something much larger but using jabs to get to you. It seems to have gone downhill significantly since you moved in together so get that out in the open.

People who don't know her can say she's mean, but she just started this acting out like this after moving in. Start there. Is she under the impression moving in would be a commitment or just two people saving on living expenses? Nobody starts world war III over fluffy pillows.

Edited August 19, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, Rider on the Storm said:

These were my thoughts exactly.

I experienced something similar in my past relationship. I brought it up on a couple of occasions and really hoped that she would change this. Ultimately, she didn't and it was a deal breaker for me. The passive aggressive and patronizing comments shouldn't be taken lightly. As Alpacalia said, she's dissatisfied with "something".

Don't be afraid to discuss this with her and let her know that it is adversely impacting your relationship. Try to find out what the underlying issue really is. If she isn't receptive, or the behavior continues, you would be best served to move on without her.

Yes. 

There's "usually" some an underlying reason.

She's either dissatisfied with herself or something about the relationship she is unhappy with.

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

Yes. 

There's "usually" some an underlying reason.

She's either dissatisfied with herself or something about the relationship she is unhappy with.

Not necessarily. Especially when people are young, it’s hard to get out of your mindset that your way is the “right way”. There is a common phrase in marriage counseling: “Would you rather be right? Or happy?” I think it’s possible she’s just immature. 

[poppyfields]

 

5 hours ago, beng1 said:

Thanks everyone! We have been together for about 4 years and lived together for 1 year. She has always been a little bit like this but it was rare and never bothered me. But the last few months its been happening a lot and really starting to bother me.

As well as it should bother you!

Since this is NEW behavior after being together for four years, I have a different take than my previous post.

Which is that she longer respects you (no woman who did would ever speak to her boyfriend/husband that way) and has lost her attraction to you. 

Your presence may even repulse her on some level, and as such, everything you do, no matter how minor (not fluffing pillows, really?) irritates and annoys her.

So she criticizes, lashes out or uses condescending language ("i think its cute you don't notice things like that.").

NO she doesn't think it's "cute," used in that context it's debasing, and intended to demean and insult.

I would take this as YOUR cue to end the RL.  It can only go downhill from here.

All the talks in the world are not going to change the fact she no longer respects you and is done.   There may even be another man.

My advice is save whatever dignity and self-respect you have left and end this.

I'm sorry.

 

Edited August 19, 2022 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Not necessarily. Especially when people are young, it’s hard to get out of your mindset that your way is the “right way”. There is a common phrase in marriage counseling: “Would you rather be right? Or happy?” I think it’s possible she’s just immature. 

It's certainly possible.

It can be really painful to receive criticism. Sometimes it is difficult to distinguish between direct criticism and sarcasm. Criticizing a man (or finding fault with him) can certainly create a toxic dynamic. Your partner OP could not be intentionally hurting you, but may just be communicating differently than you.

But there's also a chance you're in a toxic situation.

I mean, if you're left wondering, “Why does my girlfriend criticize me constantly?” 

This is a sign that you are not being treated respectfully.

[Lotsgoingon]

Her words are not a matter of communication. She is communicating very much how she thinks and feels. Her communication is precise.

It's her thinking and her blindness and refusal to acknowledge your work that is so toxic.  And frankly, you don't need to know why, OP.  But it's time to stand up here.