I regret hurting someone

[Alpacalia]

The person I briefly dated a while ago is on my mind.

I stopped returning his calls. I didn't feel important. 

In the three weeks preceding that, I was ill, and we didn't see each other.

We had last seen each other when we became physically intimate for the first time. 

The next day, I fell ill. I had gone to visit my best friend in the hospital that day and when I returned home, I immediately felt ill.

I was sick for the two weeks. I went out with my friends right after I got better, and soon afterwards fell ill again (we spoke pretty much every day during this time). 

In response to my explanation that I was feeling under the weather again, he made a comment that I found offensive (which I would prefer not to discuss). I know it wasn't meant to be for us, though I am feeling pretty down about it tonight. The thing that upsets me most is how I acted toward him. I directed my frustration at him, which was totally unfair. A piece of this has been with me for a long time and I haven't been able to let it go.

Has anyone else experienced this? What did you do to move past it?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

 In response to my explanation that I was feeling under the weather again, he made a comment that I found offensive.

You stated you were sick and he made offensive comments. It's unclear why you are ruminating about this when you detailed how you were ill and how offensive he was. Leave the past in the past.

[giotto]

It will pass. Sometimes apologising to the person you've hurt, helps. But this might not be possible.

[Wiseman2]

32 minutes ago, giotto said:

 Sometimes apologising to the person you've hurt, helps. But this might not be possible.

I wouldn't contact him. Especially since you are apparently in another relationship now. It's unclear especially considering your other relationship, why you're worried about this.

[Alpacalia]

41 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's unclear why you are ruminating about this when you detailed how you were ill and how offensive he was. Leave the past in the past.

I'm not sure.

I was just feeling melancholy.

I have no intention of contacting him.

Just trying to figure out how to move past it.

[giotto]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

I wouldn't contact him. Especially since you are apparently in another relationship now. It's unclear especially considering your other relationship, why you're worried about this.

To be honest, I don't really know what's going on... the question was "how do I get past this" and apologising to someone you hurt is a way of doing this. Since that's not an option, I would suggest seeing a therapist to overcome these feelings of guilt and regret. They often have a root in the past.  

[Wiseman2]

38 minutes ago, giotto said:

 I would suggest seeing a therapist to overcome these feelings of guilt and regret. They often have a root in the past.  

Agree. I would explore why this irrelevant person is "on your mind", when you've supposedly been in another relationship for several months.

2 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

The person I briefly dated a while ago is on my mind.

 

 

[Acacia98]

4 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

In response to my explanation that I was feeling under the weather again, he made a comment that I found offensive (which I would prefer not to discuss). I know it wasn't meant to be for us, though I am feeling pretty down about it tonight. The thing that upsets me most is how I acted toward him. I directed my frustration at him, which was totally unfair. A piece of this has been with me for a long time and I haven't been able to let it go.

Has anyone else experienced this? What did you do to move past it?

I guess you express remorse... Maybe you write a letter to him (but don't send it). In that letter, apologize for what you feel you did wrong. Afterwards, destroy the letter. Then make amends by doing something concrete (not for him but for someone else who needs help or is hurting, perhaps). Then you forgive yourself for being human and making a mistake/hurting someone.

The key is forgiving yourself.

Edited August 20, 2022 by Acacia98

[BrinnM]

What mistake do you think you made that you’re regretting now? I can’t gather anything from your post that would indicate a mistake on your part, other than that “you let him feel your frustration”. But then again, HE had said something offensive once you informed him you were sick, so methinks your frustration was justified maybe?
 

Do you regret not giving the RL (or dating him) a serious shot, because the sex was good? Did you want to explore that further but you never got a chance?

It can also be that you feel like there’s unfinished business which can sometimes make us uncomfortable. Like something you wish you’d said, but there wasn’t a proper occasion. If you want to tell him something, there’s nothing wrong with doing so, if it makes you feel better; the danger is though that he might misunderstand it as you reaching out to him to “start something up again”, and/or if you’re currently in a RL it would be kind of sneaky to do it behind your SO’s back. It really depends on what exactly it is you’re struggling with. 

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, BrinnM said:

What mistake do you think you made that you’re regretting now? I can’t gather anything from your post that would indicate a mistake on your part, other than that “you let him feel your frustration”. But then again, HE had said something offensive once you informed him you were sick, so methinks your frustration was justified maybe?
 

Do you regret not giving the RL (or dating him) a serious shot, because the sex was good? Did you want to explore that further but you never got a chance?

It can also be that you feel like there’s unfinished business which can sometimes make us uncomfortable. Like something you wish you’d said, but there wasn’t a proper occasion. If you want to tell him something, there’s nothing wrong with doing so, if it makes you feel better; the danger is though that he might misunderstand it as you reaching out to him to “start something up again”, and/or if you’re currently in a RL it would be kind of sneaky to do it behind your SO’s back. It really depends on what exactly it is you’re struggling with. 

Thanks BrinnM for providing your insight. I'd like to think about it some more.

But mostly, I apologize for my behavior toward him. 

I'm not contacting him.

I am dating someone else and I am not contacting him just to absolve myself of guilt.

It is simply a matter of me rectifying this within myself, which I will have to do.

I like @Acacia98's suggestion. I think I'll try that.

[Lotsgoingon]

I'm unclear as to how you didn't live up to your own standards? Sounds like he wasn't there for you when you got sick. I can't tell if he was distant during this time or you were distant. 

We have the right to change our minds after going out on a date with someone or sleeping with some. And it's not required that we give perfectly timed, perfectly worded paragraphs of explanation for our change. Sometimes we just pull away. That's OK. Being unavailable and unresponsive is the loudest statement of disinterest that there is--way more than the official statement. Many of us just haven't learned this yet. We say the old phrase that "actions speak louder than words," but in fact, we miss the key way of applying it. They're not returning calls--heck they're not initiating calls--boom, loud actions. They're not interested!

It's great that you want to be fair and kind, but my question is this: what could you have done differently? That's what I'm not clear about. And I get from your post that there are details you don't want to disclose. That's fine. But it's hard to understand the context without knowing what you think you should have done. 

p.s.

Disappointment is built into dating and relationships. Disappointment that X doesn't like me like I like her does NOT equal X hurt me. Pulling away without official notice doesn't fit into the "I hurt them" category--or only barely so. Save "hurt" for deliberately hitting, violence, cheating, lying, stealing money from, verbally abusing, emotionally abusing and the like.

Edited August 20, 2022 by Lotsgoingon

[stillafool]

8 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

The thing that upsets me most is how I acted toward him. I directed my frustration at him, which was totally unfair. A piece of this has been with me for a long time and I haven't been able to let it go.

Has anyone else experienced this? What did you do to move past it?

I have experienced this and I never feel better until I contact that person directly and apologize if it's warranted.  Whether they accept my apology is up to them but I immediately feel better because I know I did the right thing.

[Alpacalia]

37 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I have experienced this and I never feel better until I contact that person directly and apologize if it's warranted.  Whether they accept my apology is up to them but I immediately feel better because I know I did the right thing.

I hear what you're saying.

I'm glad you were able to do that.

I was a bit all over the place schedule and time-wise back then.

It was just the beginning of a new job.

The day after we last saw each other, I was headed to the beach with my friends for the weekend (which is what I had planned, then a friend got bitten by a dog over the weekend and rushed to the ER so I cancelled my beach plans and went to see her). 

Next, I tell him that I am going to the hospital to visit my friend, and then when I returned home that I am unwell. He called me three times that day.

I was sick for the next couple of weeks.

Then a couple weeks later, after I'm feeling better, I go out with my friends, and then I tell him that I was feeling sick again afterwards (which I was).

He offered to bring me soup. I said that would be nice. He didn't bring me soup though.

My guess is that he is not sitting around thinking about it. In his case, likely forgotten.

[mark clemson]

I think people generally have a tendency to vent their frustrations on a partner once they're comfortable with them (or sometimes even before that). It's to be minimized for the health of a LTR, but I think some level of it may be unavoidable, except for perhaps the upper 1% of "mindful" partners (who might be boring in other ways in some cases). Nobody's perfect and even if a couple is close to perfect for each other at a given time, things change and they are both moving targets.

I deal with this by addressing it if it really is something that needs to be addressed and letting it slide and moving on otherwise.  That includes "addressing it" internally to me if that seems warranted, e.g. by resolving to do better next time.

Edited August 20, 2022 by mark clemson

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

A piece of this has been with me for a long time and I haven't been able to let it go.

Has anyone else experienced this? What did you do to move past it?

It may be a relief to know he hasn't and doesn't give this another thought because it was a brief dating situation and not important or a priority to him. Focus on how your current BF feels, not the feelings of some guy in a fleeting situation. Perhaps reflect why you're even thinking about this and if all is well in the present with the current BF.

[Alpacalia]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It may be a relief to know he hasn't and doesn't give this another thought because it was a brief dating situation and not important or a priority to him. Focus on how your current BF feels, not the feelings of some guy in a fleeting situation. Perhaps reflect why you're even thinking about this and if all is well in the present with the current BF.

Yes. You're right. That's true.

Thank you.

[Lotsgoingon]

Building on @Wiseman2and the suggestion to reflect on this, I think I get where you're coming from. I had a history of this kind of thinking and then I realized that frankly, I was getting lost in a lot of nothing. Looking back, I describe this over-worry about whether I looked at someone the wrong way and so on as anxiety. And by anxiety, I mean it's the habit of my brain to go looking for something I might possibly have done in the way I looked at or talked to someone. My brain was primed to go looking for that (some way to blame myself or feel bad) and then it would latch onto anything. 

The other point that Wiseman makes is that when I did this looking back thing, it meant I was disconnecting from my current relationship. There was something bothering me in my current relationship that I wasn't dealing with. So I wasn't speaking on or acting on something not right in my current relationship ... and instead going back into the past. Usually this was a awkward topic I was afraid to confront with my partner. 

I would say please double-check to make sure you are speaking up fully about what you want and prefer and think and feel in your current relationship. There's a chance that there is something awkward in the present relationship that you are avoiding. Connecting fully in the present should push these thoughts about possible minor slights into the equivalent of an email trash bin, where in 30 days the thought gets automatically deleted forever.

I just don't get anything that you did wrong. In fact, being sick can really quicken the process of deciding how comfortable we really are with someone. You don't feel comfortable getting taken care of by them, that's important information. (Could also be you don't like being taken care of--which itself is worthy of reflection.)

 

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Building on @Wiseman2and the suggestion to reflect on this, I think I get where you're coming from. I had a history of this kind of thinking and then I realized that frankly, I was getting lost in a lot of nothing. Looking back, I describe this over-worry about whether I looked at someone the wrong way and so on as anxiety. And by anxiety, I mean it's the habit of my brain to go looking for something I might possibly have done in the way I looked at or talked to someone. My brain was primed to go looking for that (some way to blame myself or feel bad) and then it would latch onto anything. 

The other point that Wiseman makes is that when I did this looking back thing, it meant I was disconnecting from my current relationship. There was something bothering me in my current relationship that I wasn't dealing with. So I wasn't speaking on or acting on something not right in my current relationship ... and instead going back into the past. Usually this was a awkward topic I was afraid to confront with my partner. 

I would say please double-check to make sure you are speaking up fully about what you want and prefer and think and feel in your current relationship. There's a chance that there is something awkward in the present relationship that you are avoiding. Connecting fully in the present should push these thoughts about possible minor slights into the equivalent of an email trash bin, where in 30 days the thought gets automatically deleted forever.

I just don't get anything that you did wrong. In fact, being sick can really quicken the process of deciding how comfortable we really are with someone. You don't feel comfortable getting taken care of by them, that's important information. (Could also be you don't like being taken care of--which itself is worthy of reflection.)

 

I do tend to live quite a bit in the past at times (pretty much been that way for most of my life). I'm not sure what the reason is. It extends beyond romantic relationships as well.

At the time I started dating him (the man discussed in this thread), I was also kind of interested in someone else I had dated earlier but had stopped dating before he and I met.

The more time I spent with him, the less I felt that way.

Now it's happening again.

I might be uncomfortable with being taken care of. It's something I'll have to consider a bit more in depth.

Thank you for sharing those insights and your experience with me.

Really, thank you everyone.

Edited August 20, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Lotsgoingon]

Your tendency to think back a lot on the past,  I can match you and up the ante on that one. I've been working hard to stop that. Literally it took a friend of mine to identify this as anxiety for me to begin to even notice this behavior.

Not feeling comfortable being taken care of, oh yeah, I could match you on that one. Literally took a therapist to get in my face and insist that the whole point of a relationship was to get someone to take care of you when you need their help. That could be physically or emotionally. Here was the evidence she was right. I certainly it was good for me to take care of a partner or someone I'm close to if they are sick. So it's a double-standard--unfair to me--and a way of keeping distance to not be OK with the other person taking care of me. 

My guess is that If you're anything like me @Alpacaliayou can be a lot more "selfish" in asking for what you want--and you still, even after a concerted effort, won't veer anywhere near the line of exploiting or demeaning people. 

Edited August 20, 2022 by Lotsgoingon

[Alpacalia]

18 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Your tendency to think back a lot on the past,  I can match you and up the ante on that one. I've been working hard to stop that. Literally it took a friend of mine to identify this as anxiety for me to begin to even notice this behavior.

Not feeling comfortable being taken care of, oh yeah, I could match you on that one. Literally took a therapist to get in my face and insist that the whole point of a relationship was to get someone to take care of you when you need their help. That could be physically or emotionally. Here was the evidence she was right. I certainly it was good for me to take care of a partner or someone I'm close to if they are sick. So it's a double-standard--unfair to me--and a way of keeping distance to not be OK with the other person taking care of me. 

My guess is that If you're anything like me @Alpacaliayou can be a lot more "selfish" in asking for what you want--and you still, even after a concerted effort, won't veer anywhere near the line of exploiting or demeaning people. 

Do you mind if I ask what helped you to stop thinking about the past so much? If that is okay with you.

Hopefully, in the future, I can become more present with the man that I am seeing, and not be apprehensive of others taking care of me.

It's really kind of you to leave a comment like that, thank you!

2 hours ago, alwayscurious said:

Obviously, you were NOT that interested in him in the first place.  Him making an inappropriate comment towards you or any woman is simply not acceptable.  Just try and NOT think about it and find someone else that peaks your interest much more and I assure you that he will be a distant memory sooner rather than later

Thanks a lot.

No, I was interested. I think one reason it troubled me (his comment) was that it eerily reminded me of the similar remarks my ex-fiance frequently made. That concerned me. I think I could have done better with articulating that.

[Lotsgoingon]

Wow, it has taken me a period years to reduce my obsession of thinking back on the past. 

Lots of things helped. One, serious therapy--multiple intense rounds, spanning years and years--which reduced my anxiety and worry. Curiosity: when i realized that time thinking about the past was likely interfering with the present, that led me to try to reduce my ruminating. Didn't flip a switch. Took time. I'm still in the process of that. 

I think that's the word psychologists use--rumination. Part of my habit was that I came from a family with serious anxiety and perfectionism, so I lived in terror of making a mistake and failing and losing all my worth as a person. Therapy for that. And just acting on the view that I want to enjoy the present.

Now, there are people who don't look back enough. I have a close friend who learns nothing from his life experience. Absolutely nothing. His motto is "why look back?" My response: you look back to see what you could have done better and to learn. Sometimes I look back and realize, yeah, I wish I could have made a certain move or said a certain thing, but I didn't have the capacity to do so at the time. But I then add that capacity to the present.

There is a good median in here somewhere--do look back on important things. But not on the one word you said or didn't say to someone. 

Google rumination, it's tied in with anxiety, depression and OCD. 

 

 

[basil67]

I must confess that I went looking for clues and found this one about a guy who was really offensive when you were sick.   Some comments are deliberately offensive and his certainly fell into that category.  Now, I don't know if this was the same guy, but in that thread, the guy was a total ass and you were second guessing your own reaction of dumping him...and here you are doing it again over what was probably a similar scenario.

What exactly is it which makes you question yourself for unceremoniously dumping a guy who says "yuck, how many guys exactly are you kissing?" when you've just told him you're unwell?

 

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

I must confess that I went looking for clues and found this one about a guy who was really offensive when you were sick.   Some comments are deliberately offensive and his certainly fell into that category.  Now, I don't know if this was the same guy, but in that thread, the guy was a total ass and you were second guessing your own reaction of dumping him...and here you are doing it again over what was probably a similar scenario.

What exactly is it which makes you question yourself for unceremoniously dumping a guy who says "yuck, how many guys exactly are you kissing?" when you've just told him you're unwell?

 

Yes, it's the same man.

I'm not sure basil67. 

I seem to evoke insecurities in some men.

I say that because the "yucky" comment, well, I've received comments like that before from other men.

Their confidence in other areas of their lives, however, is very high.

Although I have done my utmost to avoid him, and we haven't spoken, he seems to be the only one who has stuck inside my head that I have questioned myself.  

Edited August 22, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

,I've received comments like that before from other men.

It seems like this is what's bothering you. That when several people have the same observation, there may be something to it.

So this isn't really about the ex-fiance, short term guy is it? It's about whatever common remarks were made are something you're worried about.

It may be a lack of clear understandable communication. That seems to be an issue with the current guy as well. For example you couldn't figure out for quite some time if a tattoo was real or not.

All you can do moving forward is to be more articulate.

[Alpacalia]

19 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems like this is what's bothering you. That when several people have the same observation, there may be something to it.

So this isn't really about the ex-fiance, short term guy is it? It's about whatever common remarks were made are something you're worried about.

The meaning of your statement is not clear to me.

"Something to it?" What exactly do you mean by that?

My ex-fiance's treatment certainly plays an influential role.

Retroactive jealousy and snide remarks were frequent features of his behavior. 

Edited August 22, 2022 by Alpacalia