I regret hurting someone

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

My ex-fiance's treatment certainly plays an influential role.

But your topic is about a recent guy and what he said. So how is that related to the topic of whatever the ex fiance said?

Maybe start there to put the pieces together about whatever it is that is upsetting you. [ ] 

 

 

Edited August 22, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility

[Will am I]

Call me old fashioned. But when dating turns to physical intimacy I believe there should be at least some level of emotional safety and caring about eachother. Both parties should be safe to be vulnerable and express their sexuality.

 

You dated, got to that point of physical intimacy, coincidentally became ill short after. I think you should expect much more from him. At least some messages or calls expressing his care and concern about your illness. What you got instead was very sub standard and you were totally legit to pull the plug. You're a wonderful person, you're have every right to demand and be treated as such.

 

Just a thought. I read about a broken off engagement. Regardless the reasons, it must be a heartbreaking experience. Fast foreard to your dating and relationships after the engagement: have you been sending signals that you don't want to commit and would rather keep it casual? If so, may this have affected the types you've been attracting?

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

Yes, it's the same man.

I'm not sure basil67. 

I seem to evoke insecurities in some men.

I say that because the "yucky" comment, well, I've received comments like that before from other men.

Their confidence in other areas of their lives, however, is very high.

Although I have done my utmost to avoid him, and we haven't spoken, he seems to be the only one who has stuck inside my head that I have questioned myself.  

Why are you linking really nasty comments with insecurity?   A person can be insecure and annoying because they want affirmation all the time, but this is downright offensive.   Nothing at all to do with insecurity  

 

 

 

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, Will am I said:

Call me old fashioned. But when dating turns to physical intimacy I believe there should be at least some level of emotional safety and caring about eachother. Both parties should be safe to be vulnerable and express their sexuality.

 

You dated, got to that point of physical intimacy, coincidentally became ill short after. I think you should expect much more from him. At least some messages or calls expressing his care and concern about your illness. What you got instead was very sub standard and you were totally legit to pull the plug. You're a wonderful person, you're have every right to demand and be treated as such.

 

Just a thought. I read about a broken off engagement. Regardless the reasons, it must be a heartbreaking experience. Fast foreard to your dating and relationships after the engagement: have you been sending signals that you don't want to commit and would rather keep it casual? If so, may this have affected the types you've been attracting?

Hi Will.

He called me every day, several times. And yes, not a nice comment.

Thank you. 🙂

Regarding the broken engagement, yes, it was quite a heartbreaking experience for me. I'm sure that might have sent off some wrong signals.

 

[Will am I]

I would do a little soul searching on that one @Alpacalia. Maybe alone, maybe with a close friend who has witnessed you over the years.

A broken engagement will involve mourning over the lost prospect of a marriage, a lost future together. In that sense I believe it may even resemble a divorce. Divorced people also need to mourn the lost marriage and lost prospect of a future together.

With friends coming out of these major break-ups I see a tendency to emit very different signals when they get back into dating. Hurt (and fear of getting hurt again) can do that to a person. Was the broken engagement long ago or was it still somewhat recent?

 

 

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, Will am I said:

I would do a little soul searching on that one @Alpacalia. Maybe alone, maybe with a close friend who has witnessed you over the years.

A broken engagement will involve mourning over the lost prospect of a marriage, a lost future together. In that sense I believe it may even resemble a divorce. Divorced people also need to mourn the lost marriage and lost prospect of a future together.

With friends coming out of these major break-ups I see a tendency to emit very different signals when they get back into dating. Hurt (and fear of getting hurt again) can do that to a person. Was the broken engagement long ago or was it still somewhat recent?

 

 

I think you're right.

I'll try to do that. 

Thank you.

The engagement ended a few years ago.

Prior to meeting the man in this thread, I was single for about 3 years. I coasted through that period. Maybe I didn't dig deep enough into the end of the relationship with the ex-f. 

It was like the ex-f was out of sight and out of mind for me.

[Will am I]

Dr. Phil would say: “Time doesn’t heal anything. It’s what you do with the time that matters.”

Sometimes it’s just easier to skip the mourning and rush back into our daily lives and routines.

With the problem that we stand still in some areas. Unprocessed hurt from a broken relationship can subconsciously alter our signals going into the next. 

 

I never did much mourning over my parents when they died many years ago. I’ve started to learn only recently that this has affected the person I was in my own marriage. It’s made me more detached. 

One thought that dawned quite suddenly when I was very much contemplating a divorce: “the hardest parts I’ve always walked alone”. A short line harbouring a dose of loneliness for me, a dose of completely undeserved resentment for my wife (like how would my parents’ young passing be her fault?) and yet also a dose of optimism and strength for me. I realized I have carried that piece of detachment and resentment with me for years.

Edited August 22, 2022 by Will am I

[Alpacalia]

On 8/22/2022 at 1:40 PM, Will am I said:

Dr. Phil would say: “Time doesn’t heal anything. It’s what you do with the time that matters.”

Sometimes it’s just easier to skip the mourning and rush back into our daily lives and routines.

With the problem that we stand still in some areas. Unprocessed hurt from a broken relationship can subconsciously alter our signals going into the next. 

 

I never did much mourning over my parents when they died many years ago. I’ve started to learn only recently that this has affected the person I was in my own marriage. It’s made me more detached. 

One thought that dawned quite suddenly when I was very much contemplating a divorce: “the hardest parts I’ve always walked alone”. A short line harbouring a dose of loneliness for me, a dose of completely undeserved resentment for my wife (like how would my parents’ young passing be her fault?) and yet also a dose of optimism and strength for me. I realized I have carried that piece of detachment and resentment with me for years.

Oh good ole' Dr. Phil, haha.

Good point.

Having been in back-to-back long-term relationships with little interval between each (maybe a year or so) I felt like it was time to enjoy being single, focus on my career, enjoy friends, etc. Eventually, things catch up with you.

Thanks for sharing with me about your parents. I feel sometimes we just get numb to certain things after such a profound loss.

On 8/22/2022 at 1:54 PM, alwayscurious said:

 

[]

 

Edited August 24, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Response to deleted post

[Alpacalia]

15 hours ago, basil67 said:

Why are you linking really nasty comments with insecurity?   A person can be insecure and annoying because they want affirmation all the time, but this is downright offensive.   Nothing at all to do with insecurity  

 

 

 

Hi basil67.

The thread you linked to discussed it in some detail.

It seemed to be more of a jealous jab masquerading as a joke on his end.

I was unavailable given my schedule and being sick and going out with friends and my unavailability happened immediately following the first time we were physically intimate. So, he might have been feeling a little vulnerable.

Not saying it's right (his comment). Just that I think that's where it came from on his end.

 

[basil67]

13 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Hi basil67.

The thread you linked to discussed it in some detail.

It seemed to be more of a jealous jab masquerading as a joke on his end.

I was unavailable given my schedule and being sick and going out with friends and my unavailability happened immediately following the first time we were physically intimate. So, he might have been feeling a little vulnerable.

Not saying it's right (his comment). Just that I think that's where it came from on his end.

Forgive me for this question, but do you have a tendency to be too forgiving?  

[Alpacalia]

7 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Forgive me for this question, but do you have a tendency to be too forgiving?  

I'd say yes with the ex-f (when we dated).

The individual in question. No.

The comment he made took me quite some time to forgive. I didn't call him up and say "oh, I forgive you." It was more like an internal process. For myself. 

The way I dumped him was pretty brutal.

Edited August 23, 2022 by Alpacalia

[basil67]

Yes, I understand what you mean about forgiving internally.  Perhaps a good way to deal with this feeling is to use this forgiveness to let it go.  

You say that you were brutal in your dumping - but this was exactly what he deserved!  I would have added a few choice words had I been in your shoes.  There is absolutely no excuse for him to speak to you in this way. No excuse at all.  And remember, people are on their best behaviour early in a relationship.  If this is what he's like at his best, what does his worst behaviour look like 😳

Edited August 23, 2022 by basil67

[Will am I]

8 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Thanks for sharing with me about your parents.

Thank you for listening.

The weird part about dealing with loss is that it doesn’t always present itself on the emotional level. Or even on the short term, or in a linear manner.

I noticed much later that losing my parents in my twenties had slightly altered the way I interact with life. It wasn’t because I was feeling sad or anything, not much emotion involved. Just a slight change to my inner attitudes towards life. Maybe more of a spiritual than an emotional influence.

Also I learned this year when my marriage was at a pivot point, how much emotion I still had about it. The day of our intake with the couples counselor, these feelings of grief emerged so strongly. I didn’t think I had that much feeling left in me. We’re talking two decades here.

Given these experiences I would expect that other  events of loss and grief could also have subtle long term effects. 

 

[Alpacalia]

6 hours ago, Will am I said:

Thank you for listening.

The weird part about dealing with loss is that it doesn’t always present itself on the emotional level. Or even on the short term, or in a linear manner.

I noticed much later that losing my parents in my twenties had slightly altered the way I interact with life. It wasn’t because I was feeling sad or anything, not much emotion involved. Just a slight change to my inner attitudes towards life. Maybe more of a spiritual than an emotional influence.

Also I learned this year when my marriage was at a pivot point, how much emotion I still had about it. The day of our intake with the couples counselor, these feelings of grief emerged so strongly. I didn’t think I had that much feeling left in me. We’re talking two decades here.

Given these experiences I would expect that other  events of loss and grief could also have subtle long term effects. 

 

Yes.

A parent lost both their parents as a teenager. My other parent lost their father when they were a young child.

As I read your description, I can see a lot of similarities with what one of my parents talked about. My other parent never really spoke about it. I guess maybe because they had very little recollection of it? Not that it did not affect them.

I've got a few stories to tell with regard to my parents. But I will keep those for me.

To your point.

There is no denying that grief's health-damaging effects are a process or journey that differs from person to person.

 

[Will am I]

Sorry to read that about you family situation.

I wouldn’t be surprised if these events (mildly) affected your attitudes and bonding style too.

Because the events must have influenced your parents a great deal, and we always pass a little bit of ourselves on to the next generation.

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, Will am I said:

Sorry to read that about you family situation.

I wouldn’t be surprised if these events (mildly) affected your attitudes and bonding style too.

Because the events must have influenced your parents a great deal, and we always pass a little bit of ourselves on to the next generation.

Thank you.

It most certainly did.

I have a good and loving relationship with them today, and that makes me feel happy.

I think after my ex-f and I had broken the engagement, it may have been that I was just traumatized by it all. 

Anyway, the reason I feel regret.

I still don't know (lol).

It's always hard to let go of someone you care about, so I'll just guess that's why.

[Will am I]

You come across as a kind and intelligent person. 

Also: someone who is purposeful in relationships.

I think you should be very capable to establish good relationships as well as to sense when they’re not good and leave the bad ones.

You do have some (indirect) hurt from growing up raised by orphans and also a broken engagement in your own life. 

My hunch is that these events may have induced certain attitudes that make it more difficult to be direct and firm with people, even when you need to. Like in the subject of this topic.

I’m totally projecting here, but generally speaking hurt may cause conflict avoidant traits. 

[Alpacalia]

5 hours ago, Will am I said:

My hunch is that these events may have induced certain attitudes that make it more difficult to be direct and firm with people, even when you need to. Like in the subject of this topic.

I’m totally projecting here, but generally speaking hurt may cause conflict avoidant traits. 

Oh definitely.

It's more of, that I don't feel like I want to exert the mental energy and would rather just focus my attention elsewhere.

So yes, avoidant for sure!

[Alpacalia]

8 hours ago, Will am I said:

You come across as a kind and intelligent person. 

Also: someone who is purposeful in relationships.

I think you should be very capable to establish good relationships as well as to sense when they’re not good and leave the bad ones.

I just want to say thank you for saying this and for also taking the time to help me.

On your last sentence, I think so too. Before the ex-f, I was in two very loving relationships. I do feel very fortunate in that regard.

 

[Will am I]

The impression you make on me is that you‘re a very kind and intelligent woman. I’m not at all surprised that you’re able to attract good, loving partners.

Are you looking for a “forever person”? Or are you currently happier in transient relationships?

 

[Alpacalia]

On 8/24/2022 at 11:27 AM, Will am I said:

Are you looking for a “forever person”? Or are you currently happier in transient relationships?

Not sure.

Can someone simultaneously want a relationship and NOT want a relationship?

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

Not sure.

Can someone simultaneously want a relationship and NOT want a relationship?

No. You can’t cheat the system. Either you’re “all in” or you’re not. Can’t protect your heart and have a genuine connection at the same time. 

[Will am I]

I guess it’s totally possible.

I think that the “not want” could be just that, enjoying single life more. Or part time, like most of the time you enjoy being single but on some moments you would like to have someone close.

Or it could be a little bit of hurt or fear after a failed relationship.

Or a little bit of both?

[Alpacalia]

5 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

No. You can’t cheat the system. Either you’re “all in” or you’re not. Can’t protect your heart and have a genuine connection at the same time. 

I'm not necessarily in agreement.

You can feel safe while also being vulnerable.

I would like to be somewhere in the middle - acknowledging the fact that I am open to love, and offering myself the chance and time to cultivate it, however being honest with myself when that love cannot or does not exist in a particular environment.

The practice of considering things with restraint and not resisting them. 

Similar to due diligence.

Edited August 26, 2022 by Alpacalia

[poppyfields]

16 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

I'm not necessarily in agreement.

You can feel safe while also being vulnerable.

I would like to be somewhere in the middle - acknowledging the fact that I am open to love, and offering myself the chance and time to cultivate it, however being honest with myself when that love cannot or does not exist in a particular environment.

The practice of considering things with restraint and not resisting them. 

Similar to due diligence.

In other words, appreciating and enjoying the moment(s) with a new person while remaining detached from the outcome. 

Detached doesn't mean not caring, it simply means allowing nature and the universe to take its natural course and knowing you will be OK no matter what the outcome. 

Being resilient. 

This is not easy!  But if you can emotionally train yourself to adopt this mindset, it can make a world of difference in both how you relate to and interact with a new man and ironically it might also impact the outcome in a positive way, assuming that is ultimately what you want.