Am I going crazy?

[HelixJones]

Hi friends, please read if you can, I'd love some second thoughts, because I have no one to talk to

My boyfriend of 3 years is starting to make me feel like s*** all the time. He is very negative about people generally, everywhere we go there's someone or a few people with a problem towards him (therefore me). He tries to justify his aggression by saying that he's a coward if he doesn't say anything to 'these people', this also suggests I'm a coward because I deal with things different. In fact, there's been many times where he's made out like I'm  fake and I don't stand up for him, purely because I don't pick fights with people. So that's the first thing. I can't make friends whilst I'm travelling with him.

Speaking of such,I've realised how distant I've become to my friends and small family. He tells me how privileged I am and that he doesn't have a family, therefore he's this lone guy who's life is so much harder than mine. My struggles and depression are really undermined in this relationship. He interrupts me 24/7, even when we aren't arguing. He will talk at me for half an hour and not even notice that he's not let me speak. Then try to make me feel bad because he notices I've stopped listening. When we argue he will say anything he wants, but if I defend myself (literally not calling him anything, just honestly defending myself) it's the classic (same every time) response of "I don't wanna hear it" or 'I'm done with this childish drama" (I'm 20 he's 27, seems to use that a lot.) Or that I'm naive or a manipulator. He keeps calling me manipulative when he's the one who is CLEARLY MANIPULATIVE. People around me have noticed at work and asked if I'm happy, to which I lie, because he's already convinced me that these people are arseholes and creepy.

The past few arguments have been ever bigger red flags than the others. He's smashed glasses and driven unsafe (which resulted in £1000 in repairs, which you already know I'm helping to pay because I'm [ ] spineless). We never spoke, because I'm afraid of bringing stuff up. He talks me into circles and interrupts/guilt trips/makes out like I'm immature for getting upset over one argument. I always end up confused and saying sorry. I remember we argued because he was speaking badly of my family, so I said I don't wanna hear if. So we were leaving and he said to the bar lady like "ill see you again, I really hope I do" which seemed like he was trying to make me feel like he's this guy who gets all the ladies. So I simply asked if he was playing a game. Fair play, I probably shouldn't have been 'jealous' or whatever, but he went absolutely ballistic, screaming [obscenities] whilst driving so fast. Saying I'm pathetic and stuff like [ ]  He likes to make sure there's always women in his life to go flirt with it seems. He tells stories about how many women he's slept with and how gorgeous women have come onto him (not sure I believe him, but he is an excellent social manipulator).

He also lies a lot about stories. Telling people stories that involved me and editing it right in front of me. I've heard him telling a story and making me sound like [a horrible person], I have to say "no that didn't happen". Sometimes he insists it did. It's as though my perception of things dont even exist.

Last night he said he was done with everything because he was talking about how he needs to go and do his own thing because he is never there for himself blah blah blah, all the things I wish I could say to him. So I was saying "do what you need to to be happy". Somehow I was being manipulative so he said he was done. I said me too. A few hours later after we'd been distracted by some friendly American fellas. We go home and he stands behind me in the mirror and starts talking to me all weird. Telling me how amazing and beautiful I am. To be honest it felt really strange.

Why don't I leave him? I feel trapped. I don't know how to. I'm completely alone in my life and I'm afraid he will make it hard for me. Would you guys say these are really big red flags? Grown up in an abusive household so I just don't know what it's like to be loved properly to be honest.

Thank you for reading all this, could do with some advice from some wiser folks. 

 

Edited August 22, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Chaka]

This is extremely abusive and will escalate.  I was in an identical relationship for 10 years.  So much manipulation; everything becomes very confusing.   It’s definitely time to leave, sweet pea.  Do you live with him?

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, HelixJones said:

I'm 20 he's 27. Last night he said he was done with everything because he was talking about how he needs to go and do his own thing. I feel trapped.

Do you live together? Do you work, have a car? Do you have trusted friends you can confide in? Read up on abusive relationships.

Google "cycle of violence" and "Stockholm Syndrome".

He enjoys hurting you. Do not try to fix or change him or hope he will change. Do not confide in him or talk about your thoughts/feelings. That is like loading the gun he'll shoot you down with. It makes him feel powerful and in control to hurt and terrorize you. Abuse is not about anger, it's about power and control.

Google "gray rock method". That means act bland and neutral while you secretly plan your exit. You may need help from trusted friends or a domestic abuse agency.

 

[HelixJones]

1 hour ago, Chaka said:

This is extremely abusive and will escalate.  I was in an identical relationship for 10 years.  So much manipulation; everything becomes very confusing.   It’s definitely time to leave, sweet pea.  Do you live with him?

 

16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you live together? Do you work, have a car? Do you have trusted friends you can confide in? Read up on abusive relationships.

Google "cycle of violence" and "Stockholm Syndrome".

He enjoys hurting you. Do not try to fix or change him or hope he will change. Do not confide in him or talk about your thoughts/feelings. That is like loading the gun he'll shoot you down with. It makes him feel powerful and in control to hurt and terrorize you. Abuse is not about anger, it's about power and control.

Google "gray rock method". That means act bland and neutral while you secretly plan your exit. You may need help from trusted friends or a domestic abuse agency.

 

Gosh, sometimes its hard to recognise abuse when it's there. I've struggled to call it that because part of me still tries to see the good. We do live together yeah, he has the car ( i payed half but he forgot about that ) and we're just doing work with accommodation. So we live AND work together. Struggling to make my own friends/think my own thoughts. 

 

Thank you so much for your responses, it's helped me see that it is pretty serious 

[stillafool]

8 hours ago, HelixJones said:

Why don't I leave him? I feel trapped. I don't know how to. I'm completely alone in my life and I'm afraid he will make it hard for me.

But you aren't completely alone in your life.  You stated your bf was jealous because you have a family.  Break up with him and live with a family member until you can get your own place.  Your bf is verbally abusive to you and  I suggest you leave before it becomes physical abuse in a very short while.

[BrinnM]

8 hours ago, HelixJones said:

Last night he said he was done with everything because he was talking about how he needs to go and do his own thing

Good! This is your perfect chance. Don’t let it go to waste. Yes, what you describe is abusive. Let him be “done with everything”, like he announced last night, and tell him you agree - that’s perfect. Don’t look back. 

[BaileyB]

8 hours ago, HelixJones said:

I've realised how distant I've become to my friends and small family. He tells me how privileged I am

 

9 hours ago, HelixJones said:

I'm completely alone in my life

Something doesn’t add up here.

are you in a toxic relationship - my answer would be a definitive yes!

[Whaddahell]

Been with a guy for a few years now. Very intense. I find it all a bit much.

Just yesterday, as an example of how we argue, we'd had a few drinks.

I rolled up a smoke when we got back, admittedly I was quite drunk. And I lit it, I rolled it for both of us to share. (I'm not talking about cigarettes here by the way).

As I was drunk, I forgot where exactly I'd put the things to roll with. He comes out, asks where it all is, to which I say "I can't remember, I will come and help you look once this is finished"amd continued to offer him some, as it was intended for both. He says no, he wants his own, and asks again. So I repeat myself..."I don't know, I'll look in a minute". 

The thing is though, he asked again, and again, and again -"you've just rolled one just tell me where it is!" "Where is it?!?" 

At this point I'm getting so confused. Like dude, are you not hearing what I'm saying? I'm not going to jump up for you right now, he gets irate so I am trying to not just do as he says for my own sake.

I finish, he follows me around whilst I'm looking just asking again and again. My head is spiralling and I get annoyed... I shout at him to leave me alone for just 5 minutes amd he's there crying saying "I just want a smoke". 

Find it on the couch, pass it over, he grabs his pillows and moves to the next room. I can hear him in the other room [swearing under his breath]

Morning comes, we haven't spoke much at all. He clearly isn't going to bring it up, and last time I tried to talk about am argument we'd had he got mad, blamed it on me and complained that us talking was all on my terms, but when we argue, he just never tries to talk about it. Carries on as normal, or tries to. He's acting enthusiastically with others, talking normally. But barely talking to me. He's trying to make me feel like I'm abusive because I raised my voice. But my head was honestly spiraling so much I don't know why he kept asking like that.

Today I'm getting no eye contact, nothing.

 

Am I crazy?  am I actually mental?

I would try and talk, but I'm either going to get dismissed, told it was all me (doesn't help that I'd drank), or get told I'm immature. I'm struggling a lot. 

Edited August 22, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Whaddahell said:

I rolled up a smoke when we got back, admittedly I was quite drunk. And I lit it, I rolled it for both of us to share. 

At this point I'm getting so confused. Like dude, are you not hearing what I'm saying? I'm not going to jump up for you right now, he gets irate so I am trying to not just do as he says for my own sake.

Find it on the couch, pass it over, he grabs his pillows and moves to the next room. when we argue, he just never tries to talk about it. Carries on as normal, or tries to.

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been together? Do you live together? How old is he? Are there other issues in the relationship.

Let the dust settle. Bickering while drunk over marijuana paraphernalia is nothing to "discuss". Let the dust settle.  It may be best for both of you to cut back on the drugs and drinking. 

[Whaddahell]

@Wiseman2completely agree, I found it intense, so i know not to go out for drinks again. Just generally feel like my version of reality doesn't exist, every time I mention his behaviour he tells me I need to look at myself more. If I say "I don't feel like you listen to me " its "wow I can't believe you're saying that". Blames me for anything. Any accident he makes the blame somehow ends up on me. Uses tones of voice that make me feel dumb, denies getting annoyed when he does. Double standards. If I raise my voice its like "I just don't know where that came from" but if he shouts its because I made him do that. Always brings up the tiings hes done. Always claims i owe him loads of money but doesnt keep track of how much (im sure i pay for plenty?). Everything feels like a riddle, up and down. Being nice/acting normal after what felt like a bad argument.

[Whaddahell]

If I quote something he said that upset me he says "I don't remember saying that" in a tone that's like *come on, you're making this up*

[basil67]

Drunken fighting is generally a sign that both parties need to get their drinking under control.   But your history shows issues which are far more than just drunken stupidity.

When you last wrote here, about six weeks ago, you were broadly told that this relationship is abusive and unsafe for you.  Have you since told your parents or friends?  Someone who will help you get out of this mess?  

[chrysalis3]

The two of you can't be good for one another if an alcohol issue exists in both parties. My advice, no more denial and each separately take control of what you can control by seeking help for the drinking. You each could benefit from self reflection.