Bf issues

[Sarahismyname]

So I have been with my bf 3 years. He went to a wedding last year without me because he didn't have a plus 1 and he knew I waset happy because I think you should go as a couple. Anyway he has another friend wedding come up and I'm not invited again cos he dosent have a plus 1. He think its okay going in his own and is happy going without me which I ain't happy about. I'm really pissed off. I would never go to a friend's wedding without him. I want him to stick up for me and say I ain't going without you. please help me 😭

[basil67]

Yes, this would be very disappointing, but it's hard to comment without background.    Are the partners of other unmarried guests able to take plus ones?   How well do you know the couple?  Do you get on well with them?   Are they inviting all and sundry to the wedding, or is it a small affair with limited guest numbers?

[SingFish]

1 hour ago, Sarahismyname said:

I want him to stick up for me and say I ain't going without you.

Why? 

 

[stillafool]

Wedding are expensive and people don't really like paying for a plus 1 unless it's someone's spouse, they aren't even inviting the kids these days.  Boyfriends and girlfriends break up  all the time and they don't want to be stuck paying for a bf or gf's meal who their invited guest broke up with last week and are now not coming.  I've gone to many weddings along and it was fun.  I don't see a problem with it.  Let him go to his friend's wedding.

Edited August 21, 2022 by stillafool

[ExpatInItaly]

I wouldn't expect my boyfriend to skip his friend's wedding just because he wasn't given the option of bringing a guest. 

Don't make this one into a big issue, OP. 

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I wouldn't expect my boyfriend to skip his friend's wedding just because he wasn't given the option of bringing a guest. 

Don't make this one into a big issue, OP. 

This is my opinion as well. I would have no problem with my boyfriend going to a wedding alone - assuming that “we” are not friends with the couple. 

[BaileyB]

Looking back at your previous post Sarah, there are other ways that you feel rejected in your current relationship. And, rightfully so. I wonder what it is that keeps you in this relationship because it must not feel good to be in a relationship that has this much conflict/when you feel rejected by the man who is supposed to be your partner. Maybe it’s time for a rethink - 

The one thing that you can’t do here is force/pressure your partner include you - either in the bedroom or as his guest at a wedding (when you were not invited by the couple). That’s just going to cause stress and conflict, nobody wins that battle in your relationship. If your partner isn’t making you feel loved and accepted, your best solution is to end the relationship. 

Edited August 22, 2022 by BaileyB

[glows]

4 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Looking back at your previous post Sarah, there are other ways that you feel rejected in your current relationship. And, rightfully so. I wonder what it is that keeps you in this relationship because it must not feel good to be in a relationship that has this much conflict/when you feel rejected by the man who is supposed to be your partner. Maybe it’s time for a rethink - 

The one thing that you can’t do here is force/pressure your partner include you - either in the bedroom or as his guest at a wedding (when you were not invited by the couple). That’s just going to cause stress and conflict, nobody wins that battle in your relationship. If your partner isn’t making you feel loved and accepted, your best solution is to end the relationship. 

Agreed. This is more about the overall health of your relationship and not feeling heard or valued. 

It wouldn’t feel so hurtful not to be included if you do feel secure with yourself or within the relationship.

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, Sarahismyname said:

I want him to stick up for me and say I ain't going without you. 

It's unrealistic to expect him to boycott the wedding because you weren't invited. Have you met each other's friends and family? Do people view you two as a couple? Do you know the couple?

[poppyfields]

Given your previous thread, I'm wondering if in fact the invite was for a +1, but he told you it wasn't because he'd prefer to go alone. 

I could see maybe once, but twice in a row?  Seems odd to me.

Never been invited to a wedding where there was not a +1, and even the very small ceremony my hubs and I had, our invites were a +1 and we paid for it ourselves. 

Not that it doesn't happen, as attested to by other posters, but again twice in a row? 

Weddings are a social event, +1 is gracious and respectful of those in relationships or married. 

Surely the couple knew you and your bf have been together three years?  

My spiney sense says something sounds off. 

Not that you should confront him, you shouldn't.  But take note and rethink remaining in the relationship.

You don't sound happy. And he may not be either. 

Trust your heart. 

 

 

 

Edited August 22, 2022 by poppyfields

[smackie9]

Time to stop forcing the issue and dump him. 

[Versacehottie]

You are making a big deal about something that is out of his control--he didn't make the invitation list and has no control over whether you are included or not included.

If you are having other issues (which it sounds like you might be), work on the things WITHIN your individual control. 

I'd say a rational thought is that if the couple that are getting married just don't have enough space and funds to give everyone a plus one, that is normal enough that you should be rational about it.  On the extreme end, if you are being possessive and clingy about him and there is lots of drama surrounding when the two of you are at a group event, perhaps it was "convenient" not to include you. If that's the case, you need to work on those issues vs trying to get yourself invited to the wedding or have him turn down his invite.

 

[Els]

Considering all the other issues in your relationship, I'm perplexed as to why you would pick THIS of all things to be upset about. It's like focusing on the fact that your steak was cooked medium  instead of medium rare, when it's infested with maggots.

But anyway... this is a non-issue in and of itself. Not every couple can afford to pay for everyone to have a +1, especially if they don't know you personally. Seats at a table aren't free, and for couples on a budget, every +1 they offer a guest is another guest that they can't invite. FWIW, when H and I got married, we gave everyone a +1, but we knew that by doing that, we would be increasing our budget by something like 30%. If we couldn't afford it, none of the unmarried (or at least non-engaged) couples would have been offered +1s. Giving some unmarried people +1s and not giving it to others was just a can of worms that we did NOT want to open - it was all or none.

I think you are feeling insecure in your relationship due to the other issues, and are wrongly placing the blame on this one. Perhaps it's time to stop forcing this relationship to exist?

Edited August 22, 2022 by Elswyth

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, Elswyth said:

Considering all the other issues in your relationship, I'm perplexed as to why you would pick THIS of all things to be upset about.

I agree.  Is there some girl who is going to attend this wedding that you are afraid he will be with?

[Versacehottie]

15 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I agree.  Is there some girl who is going to attend this wedding that you are afraid he will be with?

This is sort of the feeling I get...like that is where the venom and outrage is coming from. It feels possessive. And then maybe that is sort of why our OP isn't invited. 

[poppyfields]

OP. in my experience, sometimes things just feel "off" and it's important to follow our instincts and what our intuition tells us.

Now granted, I am simply an objective observer, but my intuition tells me something doesn't feel quite right, not only because I have never experienced receiving an invite without a +1 nor even considered it for our own ceremony (despite having a tight budget), but there are couples who are married or been together for years (in your case three years); to me it's disrespectful to exclude you.

If the budget is so tight, then downsize the ceremony, that is what my husband and I did.

It's how I was raised, however I realize everyone's experiences are different but in the OP's case, it's twice in a row, so again just sounds off to me.

OP, have you seen the actual invitation or are you merely going on what he told you about the no +1?

Again, follow your own instincts and intuition, when we are attuned to and trust them, often times they will tell us everything we need to know.

 

 

[ShyViolet]

I'm confused by this question.  It's not his decision whether the invitation allows for a plus 1, and it's not your decision either.  It's the decision of the people who are getting married, how many guests they want to have and whether they allow plus ones on the invitations.  Expecting him to demand for his friends to let him bring a plus 1, or he's not going, is an unreasonable expectation.  This is a strange thing to make a big deal out of.

If there are other issues in the relationship, then focus on those.  But this is a bit ridiculous.