Should I break up?

[Marie0901]

Hello everyone :)

I‘m here to share my story and to ask for advice. Sorry if it‘s going to be a bit long.

I have a French boyfriend for a year now, and as I‘m going to study in France, we decided to move together, so we can afford a better flat, as flats in Paris are so expensive.

So we found a flat and my boyfriend got the keys a month ago. I flew over with my parents last week to furbish the empty flat. As I was living alone previously, I had all the furniture, so I sent a truck from home to Paris with all my stuff. 

During the first 2 nights we stayed at a hotel, until we furbished bedroom and the living room. Then we moved to the flat. 

During the first days already we realized that the flat is in a horribly dirty condition: my feet were black when I didn’t wear shoes, windows black like they weren‘t cleaned in years, light switches were sticking, white doors yellow of dirt. Based on the owner, there was a cleaner who cleaned the flat before handing over the keys, but the flat didn’t look like it was cleaned recently. A few days before our arrival my boyfriend spent 2 days in our flat with 3 friends, who „helped him with the flat“, but we just do not see what they did… and how the friends helped, as the flat was empty and horribly dirty.

So during the first 2-3 days we spent several hours cleaning the flat with my parents, while my boyfriend was at work. He had the keys for a month already and when I asked him why he didn’t clean before, he said „he didn‘t see it was dirty“ (it was so dirty that it was basically not possible not to see it).

We are already very angry about that, but then it turned out that - even though he had the keys for a month already, paying rent for a month - that the hot water doesn‘t work. So we were forced to move back to a hotel, spending a lot of money again. I was furious as instead of my boyfriend calling a plumber/electritian, he was negotiating with the owner for days (!!!) of how to fix the problem by ourselves, without a professional… obviously we couldn’t fix it and the flat is is still without hot water, as something is broken on the hot water balloon. All the time, he was protecting the owner, saying „let‘s try to save her the money for an electrician, because she payed so much for this flat already.“ So it didn’t matter to him that we are paying a shitload of money for rent, that my family had to spend again a shitload of money for another hotel, it only mattered that the owner saves the money for an electrician..

Additonally, his family went on vacation for 2.5 months (they are teachers and it is summer in Europe), so no one of his side helped us with the furbishing. My family prepared the entire apartment alone. He didn’t even bring his own blanket and pillow from home, he came with empty hands, asking me (after the flat was ready) where the bed stuff is. And I asked him „don‘t you bring your own?“ His answer: „I don’t have stuff for this size of bed.“ So he is french, he lives in the city we are moving to, and I have to carry over all my stuff with a truck from another country, and I even have to provide him basics like towels and bedsheets, because „he doesn’t have?“

Plus (yes, it is getting better), my dad is a carpenter, so he offered us to furbish the flat, but he has cancer, so he is still weak of the chemo… but even like this he furbished our apartment while his parents are on vacation and do not even provide their son with bedsheets. And he expected my dad to take cold showers in the flat in his condition, just to save the owner money for an electrician?

When he came after work to check on the flat, we gave him little jobs like „please pass the vacuum over there“ or „could you clean those 2 windows“, but he did half and left it there, leaving floor and windows dirty again, typing on his phone or playing with the dog. 

I am so furious (specially because of my dad and the situation he put him into) that I would just love to break up and leave this guy, together with his attachment (family and friends) behind me.

Am I overreacting, or what do you guys think?

Thanks very much for reading :)

[stillafool]

It sounds like you and your boyfriend are horribly incompatible and I'm wondering if you knew any of this about him before you decided to uproot yourself and move in with him.  Can't you go back to the landlord and tell her that you will need an electrician to fix things because it's her responsibility?

Edited August 22, 2022 by stillafool

[glows]

Are you working at all or just going to school? Did you sign the lease or is your name on the rental contract? Or is it only in your boyfriend’s name?  I’m trying to understand who pays your share of the bills if you’re not working or have no income. If it’s your parents who’s paying your share of rent and other amenities, it makes sense that they’re as involved. It’s better to solve your own issues. Your father needs to go home and not worry about you. Right now you’re expecting other people to fix your problems and gathering a lot of anger and frustration as it affects others. 

Second, you’re learning the difficult way not to live with someone out of convenience. You wanted cheaper rent and that was your main concern. You’ve only known each other a year. Was this a long distance relationship that whole time? Had you ever met your bf up to this point? 

Having said this, the process of moving and having people in the apartment may have added to the grime. Cleaning is an easy job so yes, I do feel you’re overreacting. Your boyfriend seems like a kind person and he was negotiating to get help but it took too long. His way of doing things may be more relaxed and tolerant while yours is more efficient and focused on results. It’s not like he wasn’t trying at all. You’re a team. You can either opt out and pick at him till you are so angry you break up or you can see his strengths also with his weaknesses. He works, he got the apartment and for him it may have been an achievement. You didn’t meet with the landlord first. It seems he did and he secured that apartment without you having to run around with him. I’m assuming this so correct me if I’m wrong. 

Regarding the electrician, I would be upset also but it wouldn’t be something to end a relationship over. I think you are stressed out about the living situation now but these problems can be solved and if you’re going to live away from home you’re going to have to learn to roll with the punches and be quick with the problem solving, spend less time being angry. 

Focus on your studies. That’s the main concern. If your boyfriend and you don’t get along you’ll have to reconsider the living together situation. Don’t let your studies suffer and make sure you’re a self-reliant person eventually who doesn’t need anyone for help with rent or bills. 
 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

How much time did you spend together in person with him before this, OP?

I would say you have just discovered that you two are not very compatible. Your expectations and approaches are completely different and if you think it's problematic now, it will absolutely become a bigger issue down the line as life naturally throws curveballs at you. 

Is your name on the lease? 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. Thankfully you have supportive parents. Unfortunately you're not even living together yet and there's quite a few incompatibilities.

Fortunately however you can back out and get your own place and not have to live with him. Try not to force fit this. It could be a disaster.