[UPDATE] FWB isn't reaching out to me

[Starrybeach]

LONG POST WARNING!

Recently I matched with a guy on a dating/hookup app while on holidays, and we were chatting for three days before meeting up. Our intention was to have something casual.

When we met IRL, he didn't look like I had imagined from his pictures (although he wasn't a catfish either) and I didn't initially find him very attractive. However, after talking to him for a while I started warming up to him as I liked his personality, and eventually I decided to go to his place.

The sex was great, and he really enjoyed himself. He had no reservations about telling me how great it was for him.

The next day he initially didn't text me, but when I did, he wrote back that he actually liked me and wanted to meet again, and "make a little romance" of it.

The problem is that he only had one day left before leaving. Also, while I had enjoyed myself that night, I still wasn't convinced I liked him that much.

So on the morning of the last day, we met for a quick session as I was actually pretty busy and didn't have more time. Interestingly, when I saw him in the daylight, I started to like him quite a bit more. While talking about the near future, he briefly mentioned the possibility of moving to my country.

But as I left he said "see you around" so I assumed that was it and archived his chat. However, as the hours passed, I found myself checking for a message from him and hoping he would ask to see me that night, before leaving.

When I had almost given hope, late in the evening, he wrote a tender message telling me how much fun he had that week with me and how great I was, and that he hoped to meet me again "some day some place". My heart melted and I offered to meet him again that night.

We met and had sex on the beach under the stars, we hugged and kissed for a long time and it was beautiful.

As we walked back from the beach, I broached the topic of whether he would think about me. I knew that after all that hugging and kissing, I would be having trouble getting him out of my mind for a long time. He said he would, that he doesn't have time to keep in contact by messaging app but that I could write to him if I wanted and he would reply.

He also made a joke about how difficult it would be to have a long distance FWB relationship.

The last thing he said to me is that I would meet another guy and I would forget everything about him.

It's been three days and neither of us has contacted the other. I find myself wanting to keep in contact and trying to see if we could visit from time to time. We live 3 hours away by plane from each other.

However, I am wondering whether he really meant all those things he said or he only said them in the context of a summer fling, but will blow me off if I suggest we keep it going. While at the beginning he was the one pursuing me, at the very end it felt like it was me pursuing him, by asking him to meet one last time and talking about how we will feel after...

For context, neither of us is looking for a serious relationship, he said he would never want an exclusive relationship and neither do I, so we are a good match in that sense. Also, he works remotely so can travel a lot.

My plan was to wait a week to see how I feel, and then contact him. I am finding it hard to wait, and I am naturally afraid he will reject me. What would you do?

Edited October 22, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Updated title post merge

[Wiseman2]

As long as things are in perspective about a holiday fling and it doesn't hinder your local life as far as dating, sex, relationships, it's fine if it runs in the background. But he did say:

13 minutes ago, Starrybeach said:

He also made a joke about how difficult it would be to have a long distance FWB relationship.

The last thing he said to me is that I would meet another guy and I would forget everything about him.

 

[Starrybeach]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

As long as things are in perspective about a holiday fling and it doesn't hinder your local life as far as dating, sex, relationships, it's fine if it runs in the background. But he did say:

 

Yes, it threw me off when he said that, but he is actually a pretty self-deprecating guy, so I wonder if he didn't actually mean: "I'm not interested, find another guy" but more like "I am not worth it, you'll find someone better soon"

[Starrybeach]

Also, when I do contact him, do you have any recommendations on how to do it as casually as possible, without coming off as needy?

[stillafool]

I found it strange that you kept being unsure if you even liked him, or was even attracted to him but kept having sex with him.  With a 3 hour flight between you how do plan to maintain a relationship?  I would just leave it as a summer fling and date guys you can actually see and be with in person.  Then like he said if you guys see each other again take it from there.  Long distance won't last long with neither of you looking for a relationship but only sex and a good time.

[Starrybeach]

10 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I found it strange that you kept being unsure if you even liked him, or was even attracted to him but kept having sex with him.  With a 3 hour flight between you how do plan to maintain a relationship?  I would just leave it as a summer fling and date guys you can actually see and be with in person.  Then like he said if you guys see each other again take it from there.  Long distance won't last long with neither of you looking for a relationship but only sex and a good time.

Thanks for your reply. Yes, it was weird for me that I didn't find him attractive at first, I think it had more to do with his clothes and his hairstyle, which was different than in his profile pictures.

When I saw him in the daylight the second time I did find him quite attractive, actually. Besides, what I am most attracted to is his personality, isn't that more important anyway?

In terms of a distance "relationship", as I said, he travels a lot and works remotely so could even move to my city eventually if he wanted.

Edited August 22, 2022 by Starrybeach

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, Starrybeach said:

In terms of a relationship, as I said, he travels a lot and works remotely so could even move eventually if he wanted.

But you said neither of you wants a relationship so I am thinking you just want to date and hook up from time to time.  Is that correct?  If so, that's a lot of work to do living so far away from each other.

[Starrybeach]

Just now, stillafool said:

But you said neither of you wants a relationship so I am thinking you just want to date and hook up from time to time.  Is that correct?  If so, that's a lot of work to do living so far away from each other.

Yes, you are right about that, it would be a distance FWB. It is one of my concerns, that it's a lot of work/money, but if the chemistry is there and it's as much fun as it was this week, why not? Maybe we only meet one more time, maybe we meet several times, maybe he ends up moving to my city. 

I feel it's worth seeing where it goes, while keeping expectations low.

[Wiseman2]

54 minutes ago, Starrybeach said:

Also, when I do contact him, do you have any recommendations on how to do it as casually as possible, without coming off as needy?

Are you connected on social media? 

[stillafool]

Yeah, then go for it if you like him.   Are you dating other guys in your city?  If so that's okay too because he probably is doing the same; but when you guys see each other that will be just more fun for each of you.  How old are you two?

[Starrybeach]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you connected on social media?

If you mean Instagram or something, no. We chatted via a messaging app

Edited August 22, 2022 by Starrybeach

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Starrybeach said:

The last thing he said to me is that I would meet another guy and I would forget everything about him.

Sooner or later you both will meet other people closer to you and will probably drift apart.  But hey, fun while it lasted.

[Starrybeach]

12 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Yeah, then go for it if you like him.   Are you dating other guys in your city?  If so that's okay too because he probably is doing the same; but when you guys see each other that will be just more fun for each of you.  How old are you two?

Yes, we are dating other people for sure. I'm 32 and he's nearly 26.

Edited August 22, 2022 by Starrybeach

[Starrybeach]

7 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Sooner or later you both will meet other people closer to you and will probably drift apart.  But hey, fun while it lasted.

Exactly, thank you, that's how I feel too. I am only a bit worried about being the one pursuing him and getting rejected. It's not a huge deal if I do get rejected, I won't be devastated or anyhing but I would like to contact him only if I am about 80% certain that he feels the same way. That's why I shared so much detail on his post, perhaps the nice people on this forum can tell if they see any red flags or if he was likely sincere. 

Also I worry about coming accross as needy when I contact him, hence some advice on how to approach it would be welcome.

Edited August 22, 2022 by Starrybeach

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Starrybeach said:

As we walked back from the beach, I broached the topic of whether he would think about me. I knew that after all that hugging and kissing, I would be having trouble getting him out of my mind for a long time. He said he would, that he doesn't have time to keep in contact by messaging app but that I could write to him if I wanted and he would reply.

This looks like you're the eager one.  He only said he would reply if you "wanted" to write to him.  He didn't say something like "Of course I plan to contact you if you want me to because I'm looking forward to being with you again.  He never said anything about calling you or anything.  Good you're not looking for a relationship with this guy because he isn't and is acting like it.

[Starrybeach]

20 minutes ago, stillafool said:

This looks like you're the eager one.  He only said he would reply if you "wanted" to write to him.  He didn't say something like "Of course I plan to contact you if you want me to because I'm looking forward to being with you again.  He never said anything about calling you or anything.  Good you're not looking for a relationship with this guy because he isn't and is acting like it.

Thank you for that observation, stillafool. Yes, I also get the sense that after all his pursuing, compliments and tender messages, in the end I may be the eager one and that worries me.

But it was always clear neither of us want a relationship. I said as much in that last conversation to him.

Specifically, this is how it went: I asked him if he ever thinks about the women he hooks up with.

In response, he brought up the texting topic, not me, I was just asking about the feelings, because I knew I would feel sad the next day, and it would help if I knew he was feeling something too.

He said, sounding sincere, "you can write to me if you like, and I will respond" which I thought was nice since I've been ghosted and it sucks.

Then I clarified that I am also too busy to text regularly but I am interested in how long it takes him to forget a hookup, because "I know that even if I don't want a relationship, the next day I will miss him." (With the emphasis on not wanting a relationship)

He said it takes him 4 days to a week, that he chats to his buddies about it, then they tell him "time to move on".

Edited August 22, 2022 by Starrybeach

[Starrybeach]

51 minutes ago, stillafool said:

This looks like you're the eager one.  He only said he would reply if you "wanted" to write to him.  He didn't say something like "Of course I plan to contact you if you want me to because I'm looking forward to being with you again.  He never said anything about calling you or anything.  Good you're not looking for a relationship with this guy because he isn't and is acting like it.

Oh, I forgot to mention that after his tender text that evening, I replied that "I'll be in (my city) and I hope he contacts me if he ever visits"

And he replied within seconds "you can be sure about it hah"

[basil67]

7 minutes ago, Starrybeach said:

Oh, I forgot to mention that after his tender text that evening, I replied that "I'll be in (my city) and I hope he contacts me if he ever visits"

And he replied within seconds "you can be sure about it hah"

There's no way of telling whether this was something he meant or if it was just politeness on his part.   After all, it's unlikely he would have responded that he's not interested because that would be rude.

In all honesty, there's nothing in any of this which indicates that this was anything more than a lovely holiday fling.  You've made your interest in hooking up again quite clear, and the ball is now in his court.   

Edited August 22, 2022 by basil67

[Starrybeach]

8 minutes ago, alwayscurious said:

And I bet he follows up on that.............

Sorry, I can't tell if you mean it or if the dots mean it's sarcastic. Can you clarify?

[Starrybeach]

16 minutes ago, basil67 said:

There's no way of telling whether this was something he meant or if it was just politeness on his part.   After all, it's unlikely he would have responded that he's not interested because that would be rude.

In all honesty, there's nothing in any of this which indicates that this was anything more than a lovely holiday fling.  You've made your interest in hooking up again quite clear, and the ball is now in his court.   

Really? Nothing? Please keep in mind that we both are not looking for relationships, so of course he's not going to go all out and tell me when can I see you again, etc, as it would send out the wrong signal.

I also didn't say anything about meeting again, except the generic "contact me if you visit".

From what I understand, in a FWB situation, men typically wait for the woman to take the initiative, as opposed to dating when they want a relationship, where the man is the one taking the initiative.

Edited August 22, 2022 by Starrybeach

[basil67]

Yeah, I saw nothing.  What do you see which indicates that he wants this casual sex thing to continue?   

The context of your message "contact me if you visit" was abundantly clear.  He now knows that if he does visit and reach out, he will be very welcome

[Starrybeach]

7 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Yeah, I saw nothing.  What do you see which indicates that he wants this casual sex thing to continue?   

The context of your message "contact me if you visit" was abundantly clear.  He now knows that if he does visit and reach out, he will be very welcome

He said it was really amazing sex, he said "I actually like you", he mentioned moving to my city when talking about his near future plans, the last time he was kissing and hugging me for an extended time in a very tender way (during which the thought crossed my mind "damn, this is going to make it very hard to move on" xD), he said he hoped to see me again, and lastly, he said he had very little money (which explains why to him visiting me may be more fantasy than a real possibility)

Edited August 22, 2022 by Starrybeach

[basil67]

Yep, it's all the stuff of a lovely holiday romance.  But note the final caveat that he doesn't have the money to come to you.

Anyway, as I said earlier...the ball is in his court.  He'll reach out if he's interested 

 

[Starrybeach]

Thanks for your point of view. Of course, I would prefer if the initiative comes from him, but I don't think it has to mean that if he doesn't contact me I should just forget about it.

In the context of just having a fun time, as long as I am relatively sure that he would welcome meeting up again, I don't mind being the one reaching out.

If the only reason he's not considering it is money, I actually earn enough to cover his expenses.

My only concern is when and how to contact him so I don't come accross as needy, but more like an empowered modern woman who goes after what she wants 😉

[basil67]

I do understand that it's fun to be a proactive woman - I've done that myself in the past.  Thing is though, if we do all the planning and paying, then the guy will likely come even if he's only half interested.   You said earlier that you wanted to be at least 80% sure he also really wants this.  The only way to see how much he wants this is to wait for him to return your serve. 

Also, how will you feel if he's telling his mates that this older woman is wanting sex, doing all the reaching out and paying?  Because he will do this!  If you're cool with that, then more power to you, but again, if you'd feel embarrassed, take pause.

Edited August 22, 2022 by basil67
repeating myself