[UPDATE] FWB isn't reaching out to me

[NuevoYorko]

It just occurred to me that this guy clearly is not somebody who would willingly sign up for a "formal" FWB relationship - especially one that  is based on "sexting."  I get the clear impression that he's not that into texting.  I bet in his real life, with his friends and actual sex partners, he's the type of person who uses texting to make plans or check in, but minimally.   He literally told you that WOULD NOT text you, but wound answer if you texted him.

Yet now you have pursued a TWO MONTH LONG relationship with scheduled sexting.  

You consider the two of you to be FWB's, but you will probably never see him again IRL, and he is not interested in much texting.

I'm a person who has had casual sexual relationships before, and I would never consider having one based on sexting.  It just sounds very ... sad.

This has to be the most confusing and convoluted iteration of a FWB arrangement ever.

[Alpacalia]

6 hours ago, Starrybeach said:

I am happy to match him at his level if what he has told me is true: that he likes me, that sex with me is the best he's had in a long time, that he wants to keep in contact and he wants to see me again (amongst other things). So, as long as I don't feel like he's using me, basically, I am quite flexible with whatever connection he is comfortable with.

Sincerely. It's a validation thing for you, too. Go back and reread about what you wrote in the quoted.

Yet, you're faulting him for enjoying the validation.

Of course he enjoys it. He has sex with an attractive woman. Nothing wrong with that. There can be sex between two people that is just about sex.

All the other answers were written by other members to remind you of the nature and risks of casual relationships.

Your heart already knows that, but you still feel miserable. Feeling tossed aside like an object. There's another part of you, your stronger heart, that tells you that you're not an object. 

What I'm trying to say is that I want you to see things that go beyond the sexual experience. Think about it, surely there was more to your attraction than purely sexual? We don't meet people by accident. That advice still applies to this situation. How did this FWB friend benefit you? You get something even when you spend a short time together.

As for your intimacy, why the victim card? Feeling 'used' is one thing, but what exactly have you been deprived of that you didn't voluntarily give up?

Your friends-with-benefits relationship makes you feel used because of the fact that you are. Their nature is sex, and that's what they're designed for: to facilitate sex between people. Essentially, you're using someone else to meet your sexual needs. These "relationships" are entered into by women often thinking they just want sex, but feelings get caught--usually their own.

Unless you're able to enjoy sex with him without the strings, I am afraid this situation is a dead end for you.

Edited October 22, 2022 by Alpacalia

[basil67]

7 hours ago, Starrybeach said:

3. he's been using me, saying things he doesn't mean just to keep me around for an ego boost.

But in all three scenarios I repeat, I know he's not head over heels in love with me. I don't have any delusions. He just likes me for great sex, and I him.

What did he say that he didn't mean? How would he have been using you?  This was just a holiday fling with the possibility of more afterwards.  

From what I read, he's been very clear that you're the one driving this and he's just along for the ride when it suits him (pun not intended) and you told him you were OK with that.  Of course you're allowed to change your mind about what you want, but don't read more into his actions - or lack therefore - than what is there.

As for the having only one girl on his FB feed it could well be that she's a proper FWB - as in, they stay in contact and might do stuff together and have sex.  But the others, including you, are good to have a bit of fun with, but are not worth acknowledging in public.    

 

[ExpatInItaly]

I think he had fun for a while, OP, but he sees that you're quite needy for a FWB and he's not into that. 

Plain and simple. 

[introverted1]

On 10/20/2022 at 3:04 PM, Starrybeach said:

But the question is whether he's actually in a committed, exclusive relationship and hasn't told me. And how to address this.

Why does this matter?  You'll twist yourself into knots trying to understand the "why" of his behavior,  It would be better to focus on his behavior itself:  he does not initiate texts, has told you that you text too much, and is not interested in seeing you again.

[BaileyB]

10 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Sincerely. It's a validation thing for you, too.

Yes, this the need to know “why.” If his lack of interest can be explained by a girlfriend, then it’s not that he doesn’t want to engage in a relationship with OP, it’s that he can’t engage more often with OP. Feels better to walk away with that closure. 

[Wiseman2]

If you reframe this as a holiday fling rather than try to define it as a type of 'relationship' such as FWB, you'll feel a lot better and can simply get on with your local life without wondering about what he is up to.

Edited October 22, 2022 by Wiseman2

[BaileyB]

10 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

You consider the two of you to be FWB's, but you will probably never see him again IRL, and he is not interested in much texting.

I'm a person who has had casual sexual relationships before, and I would never consider having one based on sexting.  It just sounds very ... sad.

This has to be the most confusing and convoluted iteration of a FWB arrangement ever.

The term “long distance friend with benefits” is an oxymoron - considering that the thing that defines a FWB relationship is sex, and that happens in person. 

This seems more like a virtual relationship that she is trying to establish, and he clearly has little interest in that. Although, he is unlikely to turn down a woman who wants to sext occasionally… that might be fun on a Wednesday night, but he’s not going to put any work into it. 

This would be much better files as a holiday fling, a lovely memory that they both can revisit from time to time without the anxst of trying to make it more…

Edited October 22, 2022 by BaileyB

[glows]

I’d focus on not enough sex. And nevermind about what he said possibly moving to your city in a few months. People say things without ever meaning it. 

This is way too much hassle for not enough sex. You may be looking for another kind of connection and relationship. In all this time you could be spending time making friends or going out and meeting others. You may already be doing that but this man puzzles you.

If you’re going to try to figure out and crack every single person who doesn’t behave in the way you think they ought to when around you, I’m afraid you’re going to be spending huge amounts of time wasted on individuals like this who have little to no effect in your daily life. It’s basically a lot of wasted time, OP. I’m sorry. Know when to walk away and you don’t always have to find out why someone isn’t interested in you. Just accept it and respect it, that is all.

[Tiddytok5]

Find someone else in your country, state, city.

[Starrybeach]

Hi all, I'm sorry that I went MIA and didn't reply! I was very busy the last couple of weeks but I did want to come back, reply to your questions and give you an update.

First of all, I wanted to thank you all for your perspective and for reassuring me of what I already knew rationally but was trying to deny: that the most likely explanation for his behaviour was that he just wasn't interested enough. I think he was just more practical and more experienced than me at FWBs and wasn't willing to put much effort into a long distance FWB. He probably was being honest about visiting me at some point, but I wanted him to visit me sooner rather than later, before the feelings faded out, and he was just too busy at the moment and was happy to keep me as a "maybe" for later. I took some bad advice at the beginning and tried to maintain/build a bit of a connection by chat, (I am older than him, more financially secure and he told me he found me an "intimidating woman" so my friend convinced me I should "lead" a bit), but was probably a turn off for him and led to him being hesitant to initiate contact.

I did write to him last week, as I was planning to do. He replied as usual, but it was clear that he wasn't very interested in texting more than a couple of lines despite not having heard from me for 12 days. So as I said earlier, that was the signal for me to let it go. I said goodbye, gently closing the door to any sexting or visits.

To answer some of your questions:

I wasn't faulting him for seeking validation, I don't think that's a fault. We all seek validation to some extent, some more than others, and myself included. Hopefully this doesn't sound arrogant, but I am quite confident (from his comments and reactions) that he thought I was out of his league, plus I am older than him too, so I know there was that element of validation and ego boost for him. As I said on my first thread, I didn't even like him physically the first time, it was his personality and how into me he was that I found very attractive. Interestingly, I suspect being with me gave him such a boost in confidence that he is now emboldened enough to go for the really pretty girls, because he told me he recently had a fling with a very attractive young girl who was visiting his town (probably another reason why he was losing interest in me...)

Regarding being used, I do worry that he told me he would come visit just so I would agree to sexting. He knew that I had a policy of not sending nudes (not even without my face) and I ended up making an exception for him because I thought he meant it when he said he liked me and wanted to visit me. If he meant it at the time and his feelings later changed, then he didn't use me, but if he lied or knew he would most likely not visit then he definitely used me for sexting under false pretenses. I will never know.

Lastly, I don't think it's so unreasonable to have a long distance FWB. I know he has at least another (the friend that was visiting him) and I know two other guys in the same situation. When you have FWB in other cities/countries you get both sex and travel so what's not to like ;-)

[Starrybeach]

I just realised that the moderators have merged my first and second threads. The original OP for my second thread is now in page 4 (the moderators seem to have removed a paragraph as well for some reason)

Edited November 1, 2022 by Starrybeach

[ExpatInItaly]

I am glad to hear that you have closed the door on this. 

On to better and more rewarding experiences. 

[stillafool]

Yeah I agree with Expat.  Onwards and upwards to better things.  I wish you luck.

Edited November 2, 2022 by stillafool

[stillafool]

22 hours ago, Starrybeach said:

I think he was just more practical and more experienced than me at FWBs and wasn't willing to put much effort into a long distance FWB.

Well at least you have your other FWBs still in place.  So losing this one won't leave you lonely.

22 hours ago, Starrybeach said:

Lastly, I don't think it's so unreasonable to have a long distance FWB

Me either but it's an issue for most people because FWB means sex and you can't rely on an out of towner because they're rarely around.

[Starrybeach]

6 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Well at least you have your other FWBs still in place.  So losing this one won't leave you lonely.

Yes, thank you, I am quite happy with my current local FWBs, actually, they appreciate me and I don't have to contact them, they contact me. It was the uncertainty and the mystery that kept me hung up on this guy and, once I decided to move on, I have hardly thought about him anymore.

The only issue that still stings a bit from time to time is the feeling of rejection, that I have to shake off. After all, I made him a very generous offer and he was (IMO) stupid enough not to take it or, if he truly was that busy,  to show me at least enough interest to keep me around!

6 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Me either but it's an issue for most people because FWB means sex and you can't rely on an out of towner because they're rarely around.

Yes, it's an issue if they are your only FWB, but not so much if they are an add-on.

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, Starrybeach said:

Quote

Yes, thank you, I am quite happy with my current local FWBs, actually, they appreciate me and I don't have to contact them, they contact me. It was the uncertainty and the mystery that kept me hung up on this guy and, once I decided to move on, I have hardly thought about him anymore.

Good for you!

 

Quote

The only issue that still stings a bit from time to time is the feeling of rejection, that I have to shake off. After all, I made him a very generous offer and he was (IMO) stupid enough not to take it or, if he truly was that busy,  to show me at least enough interest to keep me around!

Yeah women aren't used to getting rejected yet because we've never put ourselves in the position to be rejected.  Now it is 2022 and women are going after the men they want and with that comes rejection when the feelings aren't mutual.  Don't view him as stupid because he didn't take you up on your offer and keep you around.  He like us has his preferences and was respectful and showed you a good time when you guys hooked up.  It is what it is.

Quote

Yes, it's an issue if they are your only FWB, but not so much if they are an add-on.

Well lucky for you that you have more than one FWB and don't need the add-on.

 

[basil67]

12 minutes ago, Starrybeach said:

 After all, I made him a very generous offer and he was (IMO) stupid enough not to take it or, if he truly was that busy,  to show me at least enough interest to keep me around!

I think your confusion stems from the fact that you can't get your head around the fact that for him, this was a nice holiday fling.   Honestly, he probably can't get his head around why you'd want to continue this long distance.... and the time and money spent seeing each other.  

[Starrybeach]

14 minutes ago, stillafool said:

 

Hahaha I knew I would get some flak for calling him stupid, but I didn't mean it as an insult, but more of a self-esteem building phrase for me, tongue in cheek

[Starrybeach]

30 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I think your confusion stems from the fact that you can't get your head around the fact that for him, this was a nice holiday fling.   Honestly, he probably can't get his head around why you'd want to continue this long distance.... and the time and money spent seeing each other.  

Well, yes, I still don't think he saw it as just a holiday fling because he assured me he would  "definitely visit me", we had quite a few nice chats over two months and when asked directly if he wanted us to stop texting he said "I want to keep on texting"

I don't know what he saw me as... I suspect he just wasn't thinking much at all and was going with whatever he felt at the moment. Like I said, he's  a surfer who travels a lot and I suspect  he just wants to "go with the flow"

Edited November 2, 2022 by Starrybeach

[NuevoYorko]

23 hours ago, Starrybeach said:

Regarding being used, I do worry that he told me he would come visit just so I would agree to sexting.

Except ... he only told you he would respond if you texted; he was clear that he wasn't going to initiate texting and didn't have time for it.  He didn't put forth any effort in keeping this going, it was all you, and he went along with it,  rather halfheartedly.  Not trying to rub your face in anything, but you actually set yourself up very badly here.  This whole thread has had me confused because your behavior has been so very self sabotaging.  I say this because you set yourself up to be rejected, and then you were rejected,  yet you are speaking with concern about possibly being "used."  

He didn't want to use you, he wanted to have sex with you while you both were on vacation.  He was on an app to accomplish that, so were you, and you did it and had a good time. Both of you.  It was completely mutual and sounded nice.  Win/win.

1 hour ago, Starrybeach said:

Yes, it's an issue if they are your only FWB, but not so much if they are an add-on.

This statement is just impossible for me to fathom.  An "add-on"?  

If these threads are any indication, you must need an administrative assistant to manage all your casual sex arrangements. 

 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Starrybeach said:

Well, yes, I still don't think he saw it as just a holiday fling because he assured me he would  "definitely visit me", we had quite a few nice chats over two months and when asked directly if he wanted us to stop texting he said "I want to keep on texting"

I don't know what he saw me as... I suspect he just wasn't thinking much at all and was going with whatever he felt at the moment. Like I said, he's  a surfer who travels a lot and I suspect  he just wants to "go with the flow"

I guess keeping in contact sounded like a good idea at the time.  But then real life kicked in and new shiny things arrived on his horizon

[stillafool]

6 minutes ago, basil67 said:

 But then real life kicked in and new shiny things arrived on his horizon

or in the ocean since he's a surfer.

 

55 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

yet you are speaking with concern about possibly being "used."  

Yeah, Starry this isn't fair and you know it.  You were willing to pay for him to visit you to get "used".   Try not to get caught up in bitterness by blaming him for everything you feel.  You had a good time with him and he treated you with respect.  Hold onto that thought.  It will help you to move on.

[glows]

You’re dating and sexually active so some rejection is bound to happen. This one just seemed like an extraordinarily huge amount of effort. It makes more sense if he was someone you could easily forget and enjoy whenever he pops into town but that wasn’t the case. 

There was the sexting, photo exceptions, wondering if he’s seeing someone else, what he’s thinking etc. There’s just no way I’d put this much thought into an fwb yet you keep calling it just an fwb…

[NuevoYorko]

3 minutes ago, glows said:

 There was the sexting, photo exceptions, wondering if he’s seeing someone else, what he’s thinking etc. There’s just no way I’d put this much thought into an fwb yet you keep calling it just an fwb…

This is the essence of my confusion about this thread when the first one started.  The OP's definition of "FWB" is completely unique and probably antithetic to what her partners are going for.   From my perspective, it's supposed to be easy come, easy go -  no strings, no obligations, no accountability, no messy talk about feelings,  no disappointment or hard feelings when it ends or somebody gets a girl/boyfriend.  

If they are in another city it would be like "if you come through again hit me up."  Full stop.

So different.