SmallDetailsMatter Posted August 23, 2022 Share Posted August 23, 2022 Pretty much what the question asks. And for the other details, the cheating party was caught, not self confessed. In their 30s. Can a marriage survive that level of infidelity? 3 years of an affair. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 23, 2022 Share Posted August 23, 2022 It's not impossible. For the marriage to survive, it would need for the cheating partner to put in a whole lot of work to address the harm caused and for the betrayed partner to be willing to work on rebuilding the trust. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 23, 2022 Share Posted August 23, 2022 9 minutes ago, SmallDetailsMatter said: the cheating party was caught, not self confessed. In their 30s. Can a marriage survive that level of infidelity? 3 years of an affair. How was the cheater caught? Is the affair over or just lying low until the heat is off? It depends on if you want it to and if your spouse wants it to survive. Who's in their 30s? You, your spouse or their lover? If you're married 17 years? Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted August 23, 2022 Share Posted August 23, 2022 (edited) Relationships boil down to a choice to continue them or not. So, they can (and sometimes do) survive almost anything so long as both partners choose to continue them. This can sometimes lead to "bad relationships" enduring, but it can also help some couples "weather the storms and rough patches" that life inevitably throws at you. The flip side of the above is that as soon as even one partner is genuinely done, the relationship is over, like it or not, or at best a house of cards. Are you genuinely done? Many people would be due to this (and who could blame them). Some would not. Is she? I think therein lies your answer. Edited August 23, 2022 by mark clemson 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SmallDetailsMatter Posted August 23, 2022 Author Share Posted August 23, 2022 He was exposed by his mistress. She made him confess to me over the phone while they were together and I proceeded to meet them. I declined to talked to her and just picked up my husband and left. We are all 3 in our 30s, her him and I. So far it's been about 3 to 4 months of NC between them, so I think it's fairly over. He hasn't broke contact with her and I know this because he is on the phone with me all day ( his job allows it). Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 23, 2022 Share Posted August 23, 2022 20 minutes ago, SmallDetailsMatter said: She made him confess to me over the phone while they were together and I proceeded to meet them. I declined to talked to her and just picked up my husband and left. He hasn't broke contact with her and I know this because he is on the phone with me all day ( his job allows it). Do they work together? What was your husband's explanation for all this? If she was this confrontational he was promising her to leave you and she was trying to make him prove it or he lied about being married.. It's doubtful it's over. They will just continue with less obvious means. It sounds like you are hoping this was a temporary fling. However how long can you feel safe and secure or police your husband? Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted August 23, 2022 Share Posted August 23, 2022 Sure, the marriage can go on. Lot's of hard work to do so. You both must be ready to put in the time and do the work. If not, then no. How bad do you both want to stay together? Having a 3 year affair is a long time. This will not be like getting over a one night stand. Yes, some transgression are easier to get over then others. You have to decide if you can forgive him, and he has to decide to recommit to you and leave the mistress. There are no easy answers, or a path to take. I wish you luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Brian1223 Posted August 24, 2022 Share Posted August 24, 2022 3 years is a long time. Me personally - not a chance in hell, regardless of the time spent together, I could never forgive and move on from that level of hurt and betrayal. I think your first step would be counselling - couples and individual. If you wish to work on your marriage, know it will be a long and hard road but it is not impossible. Link to post Share on other sites
BrinnM Posted August 24, 2022 Share Posted August 24, 2022 Hard no for me. I’d never be able to forget. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 24, 2022 Share Posted August 24, 2022 4 hours ago, SmallDetailsMatter said: He was exposed by his mistress. She made him confess to me over the phone while they were together and I proceeded to meet them. I declined to talked to her and just picked up my husband and left. We are all 3 in our 30s, her him and I. So far it's been about 3 to 4 months of NC between them, so I think it's fairly over. He hasn't broke contact with her and I know this because he is on the phone with me all day ( his job allows it). Very few MM let their mistresses talk them into confessing to their wives over the phone while she listens. That alone should tell you how he feels about her. I would have left him to her and dropped his stuff off instead of picking him up. You can't police him into being faithful to you. Chances are if she still wants him they are finding a way to talk and be together. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 24, 2022 Share Posted August 24, 2022 Survive, yes. Thrive and move forward well...that's a very different story. The issue is that even with the OW gone, you are left with the bigger problem: your husband's lack of interest in the marriage, his capabilty for deception, and his complete lack of respect for you. Those are all things that don't go away just because his lover did. That is where the real hard work is going to start, and you might realize he just doesn't want this marriage anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 24, 2022 Share Posted August 24, 2022 (edited) 15 hours ago, SmallDetailsMatter said: He hasn't broke contact with her and I know this because he is on the phone with me all day ( his job allows it). For me, this would be the end of the marriage. I have no interest in staying on the phone with my husband (when we are both supposed to be working) with the purpose of policing him, such that he doesn’t contact his mistress. When I have to monitor my husband this way, the trust is broken and the marriage is over. I hate to say it, but if they want to contact each other they will find a way. Try as you might, you can’t police him at all times… I would be extremely concerned about the fact that he did not confess on his own volition - what was she hoping, that you would get angry and leave him such that they could be together? As others have said, to heal a marriage after infidelity you need a remorseful spouse who is prepared to do whatever is required - I’m not sure that you have that. I’m sorry. Edited August 24, 2022 by BaileyB 5 Link to post Share on other sites
BrinnM Posted August 24, 2022 Share Posted August 24, 2022 16 hours ago, SmallDetailsMatter said: He was exposed by his mistress. She made him confess to me over the phone while they were together and I proceeded to meet them. I declined to talked to her and just picked up my husband and How utterly disrespectful. They were together and she tells him to call you with her present? And she’s listening while you two have the most painful conversation ever? Dude! That’s cruel, of both of them. What was that all about? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 24, 2022 Share Posted August 24, 2022 (edited) 10 minutes ago, BrinnM said: How utterly disrespectful. They were together and she tells him to call you with her present? And she’s listening while you two have the most painful conversation ever? Dude! That’s cruel, of both of them. What was that all about? I agree completely. I also wonder why he agree to that and make the call? He had the option to leave, rather than make the call. Edited August 24, 2022 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SmallDetailsMatter Posted August 25, 2022 Author Share Posted August 25, 2022 I suppose because if he didn't confess, she was going to tell me. That's what would make most sense. So either he did it or she would have. Link to post Share on other sites
Brian1223 Posted August 25, 2022 Share Posted August 25, 2022 21 minutes ago, SmallDetailsMatter said: I suppose because if he didn't confess, she was going to tell me. That's what would make most sense. So either he did it or she would have. Sorry but this is messed up, and quite unforgiveable. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BrinnM Posted August 25, 2022 Share Posted August 25, 2022 52 minutes ago, SmallDetailsMatter said: I suppose because if he didn't confess, she was going to tell me. That's what would make most sense. Well, didn’t you ask him why he did that? Do you as a married couple not discuss these very topics? That’s a part of working through it, don’t you think? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 25, 2022 Share Posted August 25, 2022 (edited) 10 hours ago, SmallDetailsMatter said: I suppose because if he didn't confess, she was going to tell me. That's what would make most sense. So either he did it or she would have. He could have told you in a more respectful and considerate way. A forced confession is not sincere or repentant. Edited August 25, 2022 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 25, 2022 Share Posted August 25, 2022 (edited) 10 hours ago, SmallDetailsMatter said: I suppose because if he didn't confess, she was going to tell me. That's what would make most sense. So either he did it or she would have. We understand her motive but the fact that he would do this to you in front of her is humiliating and cruel. Most MM in affairs would not do that to their wives. If she wanted to tell you that would be on her; but instead she's got him so weak he did it. Edited August 25, 2022 by stillafool Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 25, 2022 Share Posted August 25, 2022 (edited) 3 minutes ago, stillafool said: We understand her motive but the fact that he would do this to you in front of her is humiliating and cruel. It is humiliating and cruel. He could have told the woman to get lost - and found a way to deliver the bad news in a more respectful way. The fact that he hurt you at her request shows you something more about his character and where his loyalty is… Edited August 25, 2022 by BaileyB 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BrinnM Posted August 25, 2022 Share Posted August 25, 2022 1 minute ago, stillafool said: If she wanted to tell you that would be on her; but instead she's got him so weak he did it. Agreed! And how this turned out (him leaving the mistress & staying with the W) is quite unusual as well under these circumstances. If this happened to me, I’d send him packing. Not only because of the A per se, but mostly bc I would feel even more betrayed and disrespected by them “cooperating” in telling me. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 25, 2022 Share Posted August 25, 2022 1 minute ago, BrinnM said: Agreed! And how this turned out (him leaving the mistress & staying with the W) is quite unusual as well under these circumstances. If this happened to me, I’d send him packing. Not only because of the A per se, but mostly bc I would feel even more betrayed and disrespected by them “cooperating” in telling me. I agree, but instead you went and picked him up like he's some bad child and brought him home, showing her how desperate you are to hold onto him. He didn't leave her and come back to you on his own. Now you are listening to him all day to make sure he doesn't contact her which is making him just want her more. That's how it works when you police people. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 25, 2022 Share Posted August 25, 2022 27 minutes ago, stillafool said: I agree, but instead you went and picked him up like he's some bad child and brought him home, showing her how desperate you are to hold onto him. I agree, I would have left him with her - she could have him. First, there is a long affair. Second, he chose her over me when he called me on the phone and delivered the most devastating news of my life - because his mistress told him to do it and with her listening. I would have broken and been done in that moment. But, you went and picked him up like an errant school boy. And now, you keep tabs on him all day by keeping him on the phone when you are both working - I wouldn’t chose to do that during my work day even if my employer allowed it - which they wouldn’t. And the sad reality is, if they want to see each other they will - you have him on the phone all day at work but he could easily communicate with her through his work email, through a secret messaging app, etc… Where there is a will, there is a way. You are very naive to think that you can monitor him in this way to prevent him from cheating in the future. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 25, 2022 Share Posted August 25, 2022 8 minutes ago, BaileyB said: you have him on the phone all day at work but he could easily communicate with her through his work email, through a secret messaging app, etc… Where there is a will, there is a way. This is what you don't understand, he could be sitting there texting with her on a burner phone while you're hearing silence on your end. You can't keep them apart if they want each other. Link to post Share on other sites
Will am I Posted August 25, 2022 Share Posted August 25, 2022 On 8/23/2022 at 11:56 AM, SmallDetailsMatter said: the cheating party was caught, not self confessed Ouch. Turning around to leave the affair and confessing to my wife before I got caught is probably what saved me. General answer to a very broad question: anything is possible. But it will require tremendous commitment and skill from both sides. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts