mark clemson Posted August 25, 2022 Share Posted August 25, 2022 15 hours ago, SmallDetailsMatter said: I suppose because if he didn't confess, she was going to tell me. That's what would make most sense. So either he did it or she would have. If this is the case, it sounds like she made a play to end your marriage and "win him for herself". She was perhaps hoping you'd kick him out/end things (as some folks would have done) and then they could be together. If so, she sounds like a "dangerous woman" in that she's not above manipulation and playing hardball with others lives to acheive her ends. IF she really sees/saw being with your husband as her happiness and/or achieving a LTR/"love" then I suppose the stakes were high for her as well (and she lost, apparently). Still, somewhat ruthless make-or-break move on her part. I feel like your story is being given out in dribs and drabs. OP, consider that if you want good advice, you might want to give the whole story. Otherwise there's lots of guesswork involved by us responders. If your original question is really all you want the answer to, well - it's so general the answer would have to be "maybe". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SmallDetailsMatter Posted August 25, 2022 Author Share Posted August 25, 2022 Thank you for all your responses. They are useful and I am a SAHM, we have two kids. I had a job at home but lost it and have been currently out of a job for a month or so before Dday. And ever since Dday I can't bring myself to leave the house in a way that I would have something occupy my time while I'm dealing with this. It's been around 5 months now of being a SAHM. Besides that i depend financially on my WH as my job, even full-time did not give me for all the costs. One of my kids needs constant care because he has behavioral problems that needs medication to control him. So theres that. I am a pretty reserved person, but I understand that everyone needs more details to the story. Those are big factors for not booting him out apart from him being my first and only in my life since about 15 years old and we are both 34. So its hard to just let go. I am just not sure how long will this last and really, that's what i am scoping out. Thank you all again for your response. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted August 25, 2022 Share Posted August 25, 2022 Yes, marriages continue after affairs--of three years or longer--all the time. And I mean marriages can do well after an affair. So I'm not talking about the marriages that stay together with all the tension or two warring armies aimed artillery at each other. No, I mean marriages can recover to become really good. A few qualifiers. The marriage counselors I respect basically said there is no "continuing" after the affair. The affair destroys the current marriage (the arrangement and bond of the current marriage). What has to happen (if the couple wants this) is they can build a new marriage. That new marriage can be hugely better (very ironic) than the previous one with all the secrets. Obviously, rebuilding things isn't for everyone. Some partners just don't want to do it. OP, you do know you're in trauma right now, right? This clip speaks to your challenges in the immediate trauma. The affair is a trauma akin to PTSD. Julie Gottman, world famous marriage counselor, lays out what you can do to protect yourself in this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole2 Posted August 26, 2022 Share Posted August 26, 2022 The answer is of course yes, it can, but we can't tell you if your marriage will last. I can't even if tell you if my marriage will last because it's a two-way street and as you have so bitterly learned recently, we can't always predict how our spouses will act. And frankly, I can't predict where I'll be in the future either. My husband's affair was closer to 6 months, but it was similar in many ways . . . together since college, two young kids, SAHM, mid 30s at the time. I suspect the OW FaceTimed him on a Saturday on purpose (it was late at night her time . . . drunk dialing perhaps) hoping I would see it and ask questions. But I'll never know for sure. There's that biological clock ticking that maybe makes these types of OW go a little Fatal Attraction. As for me/us, life is mostly great. My husband is still in individual counseling 7 years later and he's really being his best self. We have open communication, a lot of selfless support for each other, gratitude for the good things in our lives, etc. Our kids are growing up in a happy and healthy home. It's still a trauma -- you wouldn't be asking him to talk to you all day if you weren't traumatized -- and I've had to deal with that. Just seeing a stupid quote misattributed to Mark Twain in a tourist shop on vacation sent me spiraling because the OW had posted it. I explained it to my husband, cried, and moved on. The thing is, you can't undo the affair. I wish we could! It's not an option. So you (both of you) have to decide what you want out of your actual options. I wouldn't look too far into the future right now. Can you stay for a month? What would you like to see happen during that month? Are you guys in therapy (individual especially)? This is a marathon, not a sprint, but these days can be filled with an urgency that draws you to each other. Have there been tender moments? Remembering the good times? Is he understanding what he risked and nearly (maybe still) lost? Hang in there. Do whatever you need to do to survive . . . the emphasis is on surviving and cocooning right now. Reach out to your friends. Have him take the kids away for the weekend. Lie in your pajamas and watch your favorite movies. I signed up for a monthly massage membership right after DDay, and I still go today. You're important. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Alvi Posted August 26, 2022 Share Posted August 26, 2022 On 8/23/2022 at 2:13 PM, SmallDetailsMatter said: He was exposed by his mistress. She made him confess to me over the phone while they were together and I proceeded to meet them. I declined to talked to her and just picked up my husband and left. We are all 3 in our 30s, her him and I. So far it's been about 3 to 4 months of NC between them, so I think it's fairly over. He hasn't broke contact with her and I know this because he is on the phone with me all day ( his job allows it). I guess, in theory, a marriage can survive the affair. In practice or if we are talking about your particular marriage, it may not. You are more inclined to stay because of the kids and your financial situation so you are invested in staying. But what about your husband? Is he expressing to you that he wants to stay and work on your marriage? Or the more important question would be, has he done anything to rectify the situation? Is he willing to do the hard work and rebuild the marriage no matter how long it takes? Has he stepped up to the plate and admitted that he was wrong at least or he expects for you to let it go? Have he started going to counseling at least? Going NC with his former mistress is a first step (but he may not done so) but it is not nearly enough. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Allupinnit Posted August 26, 2022 Share Posted August 26, 2022 A one-night-stand I might forgive. A three-year-long love affair absolutely not! Especially because his OW forced it on him and he COMPLIED! That made me sick to my stomach to read. I am so sorry. She probably got sick of being the OW and he had been promising to tell you for a while now and she ran out of patience. I understand why logistics make it hard to leave at the moment. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 26, 2022 Share Posted August 26, 2022 On 8/25/2022 at 2:30 PM, SmallDetailsMatter said: I had a job at home but lost it and have been currently out of a job for a month or so before Dday. Why did you lose your job? That would have come in handy about now and given you a chance to save money. Also it's good for the mind. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyFlor Posted September 2, 2022 Share Posted September 2, 2022 They're still together. Just using other means of communication that you don't know. Or are just lying low until they can communicate. He called because she forced him. 3 yrs. Can your marriage survive? It can stay intact meaning you are married. If you rug sweep and he hides better. You can remain married. You are afraid to leave for financial reasons. And maybe he has the same fears. But an affair that has lasted 3 yrs. Not just a fling. And if she forced him, ultimately he went along with it and they have been discussing him leaving. Or at least that's what he told her. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted September 2, 2022 Share Posted September 2, 2022 You can survive and stay in any relationship - that doesn’t say it’s a happy union. what is HE doing to make it happy? phone calls all day long do not indicate he isn’t contacting her! he could easily have other ways of contacting her. Does he have a burner phone? why would you want to be on the phone with him every waking moment? You aren’t the police! he either does the work with a professional to become a better person or he remains the perfect cheater! do not allow him to make YOU a prisoner in the marriage! Link to post Share on other sites
chrysalis3 Posted September 3, 2022 Share Posted September 3, 2022 It takes two committed partners who are open, honest productive communication because with that, a marriage can survive anything. My take anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
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