Dating

[SLB2022]

So I’ve been casually dating this guy nearly 3 months now, we’ve been on a good few dates but I don’t know if he interested anymore? - he does normally take ages to reply (he is busy with work) but always messages me in the evening after work and always will say goodnight etc he even went on a night out recently and I never heard from him all day but we went on a date the day after (drove an hour to see me), he used to mention his family and now he doesn’t as much anymore - said his sister wanted to meet me but hasn’t said anything again? - am I wasting my time? - has he started to lose interest?, also to note I am a seriously bad over thinker!!! Any advice or help would be great! 

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, SLB2022 said:

I’ve been casually dating this guy nearly 3 months now

Isn't three months a long time be be in something nebulous like "casually dating"? What would you like to see happening? Exclusive dating? FWB? A relationship> He seems to be coasting along with minimum interest/effort. Reflect if that's enough your your needs.

Is this the same man:

 

[SLB2022]

Yeah same guy!, we are meeting this Saturday for his birthday so I think it’s about time I’ve had this talk with him and I would like to be exclusively dating if I am honest! - I just need to tell him what I want and there’s no point tip toeing around it anymore!! 

[R22X]

It's real difficult to read the situation with minimal info.

I think as women, we tend to overthink but not reacting on those thoughts and making ourselves look needy is where to have to control.

Are you sleeping together? regular? is this still live and fun?

He is either a attention seeker who wants to test and see if you chase OR he knows he's got you emotionally and can take his foot off the gas

It's real difficult but I just wouldn't chase a guy, EVER, even if this meant losing them.

It's got to be a balance of energy and effort and if its becoming one sided, then I would take a step back.

Keep ya dignity girly

Edited August 23, 2022 by R22X

[poppyfields]

My advice is trust your instincts.  Your own intuition.   When you pay attention to your own inner voice, there is no reason to ask anything, you already know the answer so it's pointless. 

Here, you already know the answer so imo its pointless to ask for exclusivity or anything else. 

What you're really doing is seeking reassurance which is never a good reason to discuss being exclusive. 

The right time to discuss exclusivity is when the feelings are good and positive, on both sides, not you feeling insecure and anxious about how he feels and need reassurance.

I don't envision this ending well and I think after three months with so much uncertainty and ambiguity, it's best to wish him well and walk. 

I would.   Probably wouldn't have waited three months either.  I follow my intuition, I listen to my inner voice and assess quickly whether to proceed forward or walk away. 

Always saved me a lot of wasted time, energy, anxiety and unnecessary anguish..

Based on what you've posted, he's not where you are, clearly. Best to end it and find a man who is. 

Love yourself first and take care of you. 

Good luck. 

 

 

Edited August 23, 2022 by poppyfields

[R22X]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

My advice is trust your instincts.  Your own intuition.   When you pay attention to your own inner voice, there is no reason to ask anything, you already know the answer so it's pointless. 

Here, you already know the answer so imo its pointless to ask for exclusivity or anything else. 

What you're really doing is seeking reassurance which is never a good reason to discuss being exclusive. 

The right time to discuss exclusivity is when the feelings are good and positive, on both sides, not you feeling insecure and anxious about how he feels and need reassurance.

I don't envision this ending well and I think after three months with so much uncertainty and ambiguity, it's best to wish him well and walk. 

I would.   Probably wouldn't have waited three months either.  I follow my intuition, I listen to my inner voice and assess quickly whether to proceed forward or walk away. 

Always saved me a lot of wasted time, energy, anxiety and unnecessary anguish..

Based on what you've posted, he's not where you are, clearly. Best to end it and find a man who is. 

Love yourself first and take care of you. 

Good luck. 

 

 

I agree Poppy.

A guy is dating you 3 months, but doesn't ask you to be his girl? something doesn't add up apart from he has something there when he's lonely.

Getttt rid!! 

[SLB2022]

See the thing is we are about an hour away from eachother have only been on 6 dates due to sometimes busy schedules, I feel like I am more confused than I am reassured and I mean that’s not a good thing either is it?

 

i just don’t get why men keep some of us on a lease if they aren’t interested it is so cruel! - the dates we go on are great but I know I need a lot more from him and I don’t know I’m going to get it! 

[ExpatInItaly]

Just now, SLB2022 said:

i just don’t get why men keep some of us on a lease if they aren’t interested it is so cruel!

No man can keep you on a leash without your participation.

6 dates in 3 months is very little.  I would read the writing on the wall there and find someone who is more available and more interested. 

[R22X]

Just now, SLB2022 said:

See the thing is we are about an hour away from eachother have only been on 6 dates due to sometimes busy schedules, I feel like I am more confused than I am reassured and I mean that’s not a good thing either is it?

 

i just don’t get why men keep some of us on a lease if they aren’t interested it is so cruel! - the dates we go on are great but I know I need a lot more from him and I don’t know I’m going to get it! 

I read another page earlier today and it was similar to yours. I mentioned that I dated this guy over a year ago. The first date was great, the second date he paid £90 for some flowers for me and the 3rd date he came to mine for red wine and ended up staying over (you can imagine what happened) I never heard from him again after that. Oh it was all GREAT believe me. Only recently he came back and said sorry for his previous actions and how he would like to get to know me this time. As you can imagine, I threw the trash into the bin. This is where we grow as girls, we have to experience nonsense like this unfortunately and its happening to a lot of us so you are not alone. Maybe don't act immediately, but your clearly aware as you are asking the question, for reassurance on what you know. Keep your self close x

 

[SLB2022]

3 minutes ago, R22X said:

I read another page earlier today and it was similar to yours. I mentioned that I dated this guy over a year ago. The first date was great, the second date he paid £90 for some flowers for me and the 3rd date he came to mine for red wine and ended up staying over (you can imagine what happened) I never heard from him again after that. Oh it was all GREAT believe me. Only recently he came back and said sorry for his previous actions and how he would like to get to know me this time. As you can imagine, I threw the trash into the bin. This is where we grow as girls, we have to experience nonsense like this unfortunately and its happening to a lot of us so you are not alone. Maybe don't act immediately, but your clearly aware as you are asking the question, for reassurance on what you know. Keep your self close x

 

Thank you for this - just feel like every time I give someone a chance i just get basically trampled on and I’m so sick of it! I was at a good place with myself and now I’m just feeling shitty again - but I know no one should make you feel like that!, also thanks for your advice and sharing your thoughts too, really appreciate it x

[R22X]

Just now, SLB2022 said:

Thank you for this - just feel like every time I give someone a chance i just get basically trampled on and I’m so sick of it! I was at a good place with myself and now I’m just feeling shitty again - but I know no one should make you feel like that!, also thanks for your advice and sharing your thoughts too, really appreciate it x

Is there a messenger link on this website? I was going to say if you ever need a girls chat, just contact me. It's my first day on here but I like it!! x

[Alvi]

11 minutes ago, SLB2022 said:

See the thing is we are about an hour away from eachother have only been on 6 dates due to sometimes busy schedules, I feel like I am more confused than I am reassured and I mean that’s not a good thing either is it?

Ask him how he feels about you and what he like is going between the two of you. If he feels like it's going anywhere that is. See what he says and go from there. But really, 6 dates is not that much. 

7 minutes ago, R22X said:

I read another page earlier today and it was similar to yours. I mentioned that I dated this guy over a year ago. The first date was great, the second date he paid £90 for some flowers for me and the 3rd date he came to mine for red wine and ended up staying over (you can imagine what happened) I never heard from him again after that. Oh it was all GREAT believe me. Only recently he came back and said sorry for his previous actions and how he would like to get to know me this time. As you can imagine, I threw the trash into the bin. This is where we grow as girls, we have to experience nonsense like this unfortunately and its happening to a lot of us so you are not alone. Maybe don't act immediately, but your clearly aware as you are asking the question, for reassurance on what you know. Keep your self close x

 

 

I understand how you feel. Some guys go to the extremes to just get sex from a woman.  But perhaps this new guy is a polar opposite of your last guy. Maybe he doesn't want to rush into anything. Maybe your nervousness and wanting to start a serious relationship as soon as possible is turning him off. Never know.  Sometimes you have to play "I am not that much interested or invested in you" game with a guy for him to realize that he really wants to be with you.

But trust your instincts. If they are telling you that this is going nowhere, end it. Why don't you just relax and continue dating him. Since the two of you are not exclusive, you are free to take invites from other guys. 

Edited August 23, 2022 by Alvi

[SLB2022]

2 minutes ago, R22X said:

Is there a messenger link on this website? I was going to say if you ever need a girls chat, just contact me. It's my first day on here but I like it!! x

Aw I would love that and I’m not sure if there is a direct message chat on this but it would be great!! X

[SLB2022]

2 minutes ago, Alvi said:

Ask him how he feels about you and what he like is going between the two of you. If he feels like it's going anywhere that is. See what he says and go from there. But really, 6 dates is not that much. 

 

I understand how you feel. Some guys go to the extremes to just get sex from a woman.  But perhaps this new guy is a polar opposite of your last guy. Maybe he doesn't want to rush into anything. But trust your instincts. If they are telling you that this is going nowhere, end it. Why don't you just relax and continue dating him. Since the two of you are not exclusive, you are free to take invites from other guys. 

I actually thought he was one of the good ones if I’m honest, he had openly told me he likes me and wants to keep getting to know me but I don’t know my gut is still saying to give it one more try or atleast communicate how I’m feeling on it and then I’ll know from his answer - when we are together it is great though! And I do feel comfortable around him but I just have little doubts in my head, my previous relationship wasn’t the best and he was a typical ‘love- bomber’ and a player and I think that’s what has me second guessing everything!! 

[ExpatInItaly]

12 minutes ago, SLB2022 said:

Thank you for this - just feel like every time I give someone a chance i just get basically trampled on and I’m so sick of it!

You aren't getting trampled on here, though. 

You are choosing to continue holding out for someone who evidently doesn't have much time (or perhaps motivation) to see you. That isn't to say you shouldn't feel disappointed, but you have more agency in this than you think. Maybe you stick around too long when you're getting lukewarm signals.

You aren't at his mercy, in other words. You are free to see what others might offer you that is more to your liking. 

Edited August 23, 2022 by ExpatInItaly

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, SLB2022 said:

Yeah same guy!, we are meeting this Saturday for his birthday so I think it’s about time I’ve had this talk with him and I would like to be exclusively dating if I am honest! - I just need to tell him what I want and there’s no point tip toeing around it anymore!! 

It doesn't sound like overthinking. It seems like your instincts are good that he's just coasting along on casual but you would prefer a more involved, more interested man.

[Gaeta]

Yes I think part of it is you're an over-thinker. I think you also undergo life instead of driving it. See, If I were a woman that need a lot of texts I would not date a bad-texter. If I were a woman that needs a lot of attention and lots of dates I would not date a man that lives 1 hour away. What you're experiencing is the result of your choices. 

That being said, why only 6 dates? Does he have children and has them over each 2nd weekend? 

Edited August 24, 2022 by Gaeta

[stillafool]

20 hours ago, Alvi said:

Sometimes you have to play "I am not that much interested or invested in you" game with a guy for him to realize that he really wants to be with you.

The problem with this strategy is most men can feel when a woman is playing this game.  Women who actually don't care about them one way or the other are usually the ones who end up getting chased by the guy while she has her eyes on someone else at the moment.

[smackie9]

You date those who treat you the way you want to be treated. He barely sees you or communicates with you. It's not what you are looking for right? That's when you end it and move onto someone who fulfills your expectations...it's pretty simple stuff. 

[basil67]

On 8/24/2022 at 2:24 AM, SLB2022 said:

See the thing is we are about an hour away from eachother have only been on 6 dates due to sometimes busy schedules, 

I agree that we make time for what is important to us. However you’ve referred to busy schedules in the plural, so this indicates that you are also very busy.  
 

Are both of you finding yourselves to busy to see each other?   Or was the plural somewhat misleading?

[NuevoYorko]

On 8/23/2022 at 9:33 AM, SLB2022 said:

Thank you for this - just feel like every time I give someone a chance i just get basically trampled on and I’m so sick of it! I was at a good place with myself and now I’m just feeling shitty again - 

It feels bad when things don't work out the way you'd like them.  Still, this guy doesn't seem to have done anything wrong at all.  You yourself described it as "casually dating."  If that's not what you want to do, don't do it.  But, you gave him a chance at casually dating and now it seems that it's not working for you.   So, go ahead and have all your feelings of disappointment, but be real with yourself and act accordingly.  

[stillafool]

The problem with accepting "casual dating" when you really don't want that is; the other party is probably casual dating you while also casually dating others.  Sooner or later he is going to fall for one of you casual dates and if you aren't the one chosen your feelings will be hurt.   When you really mean "casual dating" you really don't care because you're involved with other people too.