is longing for connection, or seeking to be understood a myth?

[wtm78]

i have no been able to connect with anyone my whole life, not because i am shutdown or detached.. but i just cant seem to find someone who can understand me, understand my thoughts, or understand what i am trying to say.. as such, that makes me feel alone all the time... 

i cant seem to find someone to share my dreams, my goals or even my pain... no one understands what i am saying.. or that is how it seems to me.. most ppl just try to force their thoughts onto me.. or say something so generic, its like a generic motivation talk.. slowly i feel that talking about myself or my thoughts with others seems to be a waste of time.. some people who are sharper notice that i dont share about my life.. i just listen to what they say.. and that makes them uncomfortable.. but what they dont understand is that i wished someone would just listen to what i have to say and not interrupting me with their strong opinions... 

as i age,, i feel more and more barrier with people i interact.. i became more selective... i find meaningless socialising a chore, even though i am an extrovert, meaningless socialising was supposed to make me feel energised.. but now it drains me... some make say.. how about your family... like i said.. noone understands.. my family neither... 

that was until i met my ex wife.. she just sat there and listened.. and i felt understood.. she made me feel not alone anymore.. but that was itself a myth... that i eventually found out.. and i found out only after we got married.. she stopped listening.. start to give me generic motivation speeches.. because she was those trapped in toxic positivity, where she believes that every single moment one should be positive and no other emotions should be allow accept happiness... that was the biggest problem in our marriage.. because once she felt sadness, she ran away... she did that so constant that she ran away for good... 

 so i am back to being alone.. i am miserable... half way in my life... looking back... i was unhappy.. looking forward, so much uncertainity... is it really so hard to find connection?

[basil67]

Hi @wtm78 I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling so low.  

No, it's not a myth that people can find others who connect and understand us.  However, when it comes to hard times or problems, our friends and family really only have the skills and capability to support us with garden variety problems.  A look at your posting history suggests that at the very least, you are suffering from a crushing depression.  And maybe other things going on as well - so  your mental health needs are way above the paygrade of friends and family.   

That your ex-wife couldn't sustain helping you doesn't make personal connection a myth - rather it sounds like the load of your emotional needs burned her out.  The way she reacted is very normal for a friend/partner.   First the friend/partner listen and gently supports.  Then when they find that doesn't work, they switch it up and try and motivate you.  And when that doesn't work, they end up emotionally exhausted from trying to help and have to walk away to maintain their own mental health.  That they can't help isn't their fault, it's just that you're asking too much of them.

Are you currently seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist?   They have the training to connect and give you strategies to support you in managing your mental health.  They have the training to listen to stuff repeatedly and deal with circular thoughts.    When you start to feel better emotionally, you will find connecting to be easier. 

And don't forget, when we hang out with friends, a significant amount of the conversation needs to be of a positive nature.  

Edit to add: looking deeper into your history, it would seem that your wife had mental health issues of her own.  She was in absolutely no state to be able to support you.

Edited August 24, 2022 by basil67

[mark clemson]

There are those who are reasonably happy (and in some cases perfectly happy) to be alone, but for many I think they find loneliness difficult/unpleasant, so they find someone. Finding someone is easier for some than for others and there's a certain amount of arbitrariness/luck involved as to whether you and that person, who might be truly great at first, are still together after e.g. a decade, two decades, etc.

Compatibility is a big deal, but since people slowly (and sometimes rapidly) change over time, compatibility is ultimately a moving target. A relationship in the end boils down to a mutual choice to continue it or not. It's really nothing more than that. If there are sufficient incompatibilities OR other reasons that come along - well, when one or the other person genuinely decides they're done - the relationship is over then too, like it or not. The flip side of this is that IF both decide to continue it, it will endure. Hopefully that's a positive, and I think certainly it can be, but sometimes they continue even if it's "toxic," dysfunctional, "dead," or otherwise problematic.

Edited August 28, 2022 by mark clemson

[glows]

Being around individuals you don’t see eye to eye with can be draining. Focus on more of what you want to see in your own life and then join in with people who live and do the same. There’s not much need to talk when you’re busy with yourself and then meeting others who think similarly although good conversation is always welcome.

[chrysalis3]

On 8/23/2022 at 10:48 PM, wtm78 said:

as i age,, i feel more and more barrier with people i interact.. i became more selective... i find meaningless socialising a chore, even though i am an extrovert, meaningless socialising was supposed to make me feel energised.. but now it drains me... some make say.. how about your family... like i said.. noone understands.. my family neither... 

Wtm, I am sorry you feel this way. I personally understand as I have felt the same way lot's of times. You are not alone. Have you ever considered a neutral person like a therapist that you might feel comfortable speaking with? In my case, I choose this path and it helped to shed lot's of insight about my inner self. Like I said I do know how you feel.