No contact and confusion and mixed signals

[kad18]

So my boyfriend and I broke up 3 months ago at the end of college. I was moving and he was taking a 5th year and we had had it in the back of our minds that we were going to part ways. It took us forever to even talk about our feelings and go on dates because both of us knew the fact that we were going different directions. 

 

The time came and I realized I had fallen in love with him. But throughout our whole relationship communication was tough because we were so busy. I felt like me and him kept prioritizing other things over each other. But I felt like I was putting in lots of effort and wasn’t seeing equal return. I blamed it on me being emotional about graduation and being busy. We eventually talked about it, and I told him I loved him and wanted to try and see if it could work, but I couldn’t do it alone and said that I understood this relationship had to be 2 sided. He agreed and we both were very emotional. A week went by and we then officially broke up by him telling me he thought about it a lot and that he felt like he would be a really bad boyfriend keeping me tied to him when I would be leaving to enter a new chapter and he would be finishing his really tough senior year. Even without long distance, we barely saw each other (2X a week) I tried to fix it but I knew there was nothing I could do or we could do. 

 

This is where I jumped into no contact and told him I needed time to heal and that it would be wise to not speak, and that I would reach out when ready. 

 

A month goes by and I begin to move. I have his stuff and tell him to text my family at my house and they would take it to him. He didn’t respond for a few days and then told me he wanted to “meet and wish me good bye and good luck” we used to work closely with each other in a student org where I was the president and he was my Vice President. For the sake of friendship, I felt obligated to comply.

 

We met at a coffee shop and we small talked for a bit. I was very closed off and I could tell he knew. He initiated a hug and like squeezed me pretty hard and said good luck. I didn’t know how to interpret this. 

 

Literally I have been a wreck about this boy. I have never loved anyone more in my life. Flash forward 2 months and I live now 2 hours away from him in texas. I feel like some closure and time has happened and last week I decided to end no contact. 

 

Through out our period of not speaking he has watched basically every one of my stories, but hasn’t interacted once. We still follow each other. 

 

Last week I texted him saying I valued our friendship and to let me know if he ever wants to reconnect. He responded by saying “he also valued me greatly as a friend and to let him know when I was in town. “ 

 

Now this is the part that confuses me. I text back and told him I might be back for some football games and then sent a lighthearted text after. 

 

No response

 

For a week. 

 

He was on vacation with his family when we texted and then just started college again yesterday. So I have been blaming it again on busyness. 

 

But now I am so confused. Does this communication look like he still cares for me? As like a friend or anything? I am not asking him to like get back together. I truly miss our connection and friendship, and we both established before we broke up that we would eventually reconnect and that we still liked each other. I could tell he still liked me the last time we spoke….

 

I don’t know what’s going on. Help. 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. How long were you dating? How old is he? How far apart are you now?.

Staying in touch as friends after a breakup simply prolongs the pain and confusion.

One day when you or he is with someone else, that pain will magnify.

When breaking up, clean breaks are best for that reason.

You'll need to re-establish your local single life. Try to let go.

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, kad18 said:

Does this communication look like he still cares for me? As like a friend or anything?

Just as a friend, but one that he isn't keen to keep too close. 

It's disappointing, but it seems that him being busy was not the only reason this didn't work out, and it's not the only reason he's not responding now. On some level, you know that his feelings and interest didn't match yours. And you can see now that while he wishes you the best, he isn't too bothered about actually keeping in contact at this time. It would take him 30 seconds to respond to you if he wanted, so you need to drop the excuse that he's just too busy to do so. Nobody is that busy. It doesn't appear his vague suggestion to let him know if you're in town was more than a polite gesture, and he's probably not sure what to say now that you actually want to take him up on it. 

And honestly? It's not a good idea to try to be friends right now. It will hurt like hell if you're still in touch and get wind that he's going out with other girls. Most exes can't be friends right after they break, and it's generally not the healthiest move anyway. You need to get used to not having him in your life or it will be incredibly hard for you to move on. 

Edited August 24, 2022 by ExpatInItaly

[stillafool]

14 hours ago, kad18 said:

Last week I texted him saying I valued our friendship and to let me know if he ever wants to reconnect. He responded by saying “he also valued me greatly as a friend and to let him know when I was in town. “ 

He was being polite.  I think he thought meeting you for coffee and to collect his things was his idea of closure for you both and that is why he gave you a hug goodbye.  If you meet up with him again you will be disappointed because he will not want you back.   Remember he is the one who broke up with you and if he had interest in getting back together he would be the one contacting you and asking to get back together.  You will know you are ready to be his friend when you can handle meeting his new gf without feeling any jealousy or pain, in otherwords you feel indifferent to him.  I don't think you're there yet.  I don't see anything in his behavior or lack of that's confusing since the breakup.  Yes he cares about you and will always care about you as a person he once had a relationship with; but that does not mean he's in love with you.

Edited August 24, 2022 by stillafool

[flitzanu]

14 hours ago, kad18 said:

A week went by and we then officially broke up by him telling me he thought about it a lot and that he felt like he would be a really bad boyfriend keeping me tied to him when I would be leaving to enter a new chapter and he would be finishing his really tough senior year. E

 

 

this was the clarity for the situation, and unless he ever says anything different, this was his breakup speech and trying to interpret things that aren't there won't change this statement.