In Love w/a Bipolar, Manically Depressed Addict

[BrutalHearts]

I was in a 4 year relationship with a bipolar, manically depressed addict. We were engaged. We lived together. And 8 days ago he took most of his things and moved out.  I am inconsolable. The way he left was harsh. I found this forum trying to make sense of my grief.

If you saw him, you would never know he is tormented by his own thoughts. He is beautiful as much as he is broken. How I survived this long is beyond me. I just need some outside perspective to help me navigate my feelings right now because I feel like a mad woman, crying uncontrollably every few hours, begging God to end the hurt.

Typical story. We met. We dated. We fell in love. He was the first man I truly fell in love with...all the way. He said the same. But where the story deviates is 6 months in. I found myself in the middle of an intervention, in a living room surrounded by his family members and his child's mother because he had relapsed on heroin (although he was also addicted to pain pills). That's how I found out about his sorted past and addiction. He never told me. I should have probably walked away at that point and saved myself a whole lot of heartache, but I was already in love. And the man they were describing wasn't the man I had gotten to know in those first few months. We were both gym rats, ate healthy and hardly drank on our dates. So naively, I believed his promises of change. I was hopeful. We had such different upbringings, I knew nothing of this world.

Let me preface this by saying that in between all of the pain, there was genuine love. He is a really good person, but he's battling demons.

He said I was his angel, God sent me to save him from himself. I wanted to give him everything he said he lacked - a loving partner, a place to call home, stability in his life - a foundation to do better. We were always so loving and affectionate.

But once he finally stopped using hard drugs, his mental health issues surfaced. All these years he didn't have to deal with it because the drugs masked the pain. So for 4 years I lived his highs and lows with him. I started off extremely optimistic thinking that we could make it work. That we could draw strength from each other and become better versions of ourselves. But looking back at our time together now, nothing could have ever prepared me to be with someone with his health issues who did not have any sort of mental health treatment, other than being prescribed pills every few months. 

I asked him to see a therapist, get counseling, and go to meetings.  I offered to go to counseling together. I tried to learn about being in a relationship with a bipolar man. He could be sweet and sensitive, but also reactionary and very hurtful. The highs and lows were unmanageable. He was aggressive and emotionally abusive. He said the most hurtful things to me and then in a moment's notice wanted to apologize and expect affection. I couldn't operate that way. It was so rough. I was way in over my head.

And then he impulsively quit his job and I supported us for a little more than a year. He really struggled with moving forward and getting a job. Even though he tried to do his part by cleaning the house, etc, the longer he didn't work, the more arguments we had. The more resentment was built. 

He didn't have a close relationship with his family. So there were countless times I felt lost and alone with him, like all his mental health and well being depended on me. I would reach out to his mom and ask for help, but nothing really came of it. She helped him financially, but it's like we didn't talk about the elephant in the room. She would chalk it up to an "episode".

The last year was a struggle. We fought a lot. His confidence was lost and he looked to me to build him up. Which I did plenty of times, but in the end it wasn't enough. I just wanted him to get a job. I figured structure would be good for him, he would have money back in his pocket and it would alleviate some of the pressure on me and get us back on track to working on us. But he never did.

In the end I began to emotionally withdraw, we were intimate less and less. There wasn't much affection on my part. I did it to protect myself. It's my defense mechanism. Which was the worst thing for him because he suffered from neglect as a child. So we were doomed. He said I wasn't nurturing enough, but I was battling trying not to become another enabler in his life. Even though I told him I loved him, he said he sometimes didn't know if I really loved him or I was just tolerating him.

He said living with me was not good for his mental health.  Even though I encouraged him, he said I was a constant reminder that he was failing. So he left because he was trying to save us from further pain and it's the only way we both can heal.  And even though I know it was the best thing for our fragile hearts, but most importantly his mental health, the pain is excruciating.

When he left there was a lot of crying, he had a panic attack, it was awful. I never got to say what I wanted to say because it was hard to get him to listen. He said he blamed himself and part of it was his mental illness, another part was laziness.

Days before he left I also found out he had texted and talked to his child's mom, who by the way made his life really hard when it came to seeing their daughter and  really impacted his mental health. He told her I didn't understand him and badmouthed me a bit. Just the mere fact that he sought solace from her out of all people, broke my heart, albeit she is a psych nurse. It was the last straw for me. He said he only reached out to her out of desperation and because she has seen him at his worst. And although I don't know what they talked about, I did read the texts and they just didn't sit right with me. She's always wanted him back. She was with him when he was in the thick of it, deep in drug use, so they have a long history together, plus their daughter.

Our situation in the end was hard. I felt more like his mother than his partner. I felt used. But I also felt torn because he is suffering from severe mental health issues that I cannot comprehend. I don't want to give him a pass for his lashing out and behavior, but now I keep thinking, maybe if we would have got him the mental health help he needed sooner and I would have got support of my own, things might have been different for us.

We both agreed he should leave. That he needed help. He said he was scared to leave. He didn't want to leave me, but he needed to learn how to care for himself before he could take care of me. So he made a plan with his mom and he left. He said he was going to get re-evaluated by a doctor which I think is really good. But he never included me, so I don't know what the plan is or if he ever intends to come back to me like he said. I also don't know what kind of picture he painted to his mom about what our situation was like in the end because I texted her the morning after he left, telling her I tried, etc, and wanting to make sure he was ok. But she never answered me. So it makes me sad not knowing what he said about me. Plus, I felt hurt that I have been asking him for the past year to make a plan, but he never wanted to.

So it's been 8 days and I haven't contacted him and he hasn't contacted me. And the pain of not hearing from him, or his mom, or not knowing if he is ok is devastating.  It makes me so sad that even his mom ignored my text.  I went through all our text threads, between him and I, between his mom and I, and I did ask her for help many times, so it makes me feel horrible that after 4 years, knowing what I went through with her son, she didn't even reply.

So here I am, wondering what to do next.

He took most of his things, but left a lot clothes, personal papers and a couple of sentimental things his daughter made him. For my own healing, I washed all his clothes, packed it all up and have it all in a hall closet. He is a little careless, so I don't think he even knows what he left or if he even cares. His birthday is next week. I had bought him a present which I put with all his stuff. I also pay his phone bill and he took the keys.

How long do I wait until I stop paying his phone or ask for the keys? Should I wait for him to reach out? What if he never does? I'm so torn.

His silence makes me feel like all the things he said about being his soul mate, the only woman he has ever loved, that he wanted to grow old together, that he wanted to work on himself for him and us, that is was all a lie. But then I remember all his mental torment and I want to reach out and tell him I love him and that I am praying his re-evaluation goes well.  So I'm questioning whether to treat this as a normal break up or if there are special considerations because of his mental health issues. He suffers from neglect, so am I making it worse by not reaching out and checking in on him? I'm so confused.

I'm going to see a therapist myself. I've never felt this way about someone before and I want to start healing.

Thanks for taking the time to read my story. All your thoughts are welcome.                                  

 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, BrutalHearts said:

How long do I wait until I stop paying his phone or ask for the keys?

Don't wait. Let him know today that you are going to stop paying for his phone, and that he needs to return the keys (assuming his name is not also on the lease) It's beyond time to start turning things around and stop letting yourself be his doormat. 

1 hour ago, BrutalHearts said:

He suffers from neglect, so am I making it worse by not reaching out and checking in on him?

Making what worse? He left, OP. This was what he wanted, so I don't see how anything you do (or not) could change the end result and make things worse. How can it get worse when the relationship is over? I don't mean to be harsh, but your enabling and codependent behaviour are part of what landed you here today. I don't doubt you are worried and care deeply about him, but you also need to recognize that reaching out like this is an attempt to soothe you own hurt. To get some of reassurance that he still cares by getting a reponse back from him. But it's not ultimately going to help you move forward. 

I am sorry you are here, to be very clear. It's tough when you love someone who can't offer you what you would like most - a healthy, secure, stable relationship. But he's evidently never been very honest with you and never properly dealt with his problems, and you were under the false impression that love would be enough. As you can see, it wasn't enough. Now is the time to make an appointment with a therapist to discuss your own unhealthy patterns, and help you let go of this dysfunction. 

 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, BrutalHearts said:

 6 months in. he had relapsed on heroin although he was also addicted to pain pills. .

I'm going to see a therapist myself.

Sorry this is happening. It's great you are going to therapy. There's support for people involved with addicts that you can also look into. Nar Anon.

Return his belongings. Then delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps. Change the locks.

An addicts relationship is with drugs. Everyone else is just a pawn. In this case you were a crash pad.

It's foolish to allow anyone Involved in illegal narcotics to be in your house. Ask yourself and your therapist how you allowed things to get this bad.

Edited August 24, 2022 by Wiseman2

[FMW]

Mental health issues override everything else.  It severely limits what someone is capable of giving to others, their own problems are too consuming for them to be able to see how they affect others.  I think it's common that they expect a lot (too much) from others when it comes to tolerance and understanding.  He's probably doing his best to cope, and never meant to lie to you.  As you understand, the drugs are literal self-medication to quiet the "demons", but bring about a whole host of others.

You love him and want to help him, feel obligated to do so.  But what you have to accept is that you can't save him.  You will wreck your own emotional well-being trying.  It's very difficult and heartbreaking.  But you have to let him go and move forward.  Take care of yourself, don't get pulled under by his problems.  

[stillafool]

Has he ever entered rehab?  His family has known him all of his life and perhaps they feel he needs to hit rock bottom and get help.  It isn't helping him to pay his bills and let him not work.  It's obvious this relationship has taken a major toll on you and I bet your relatives have noticed it.  Break ups hurt  but are necessary especially in your case.  He did you a favor by breaking up otherwise you would just continue to be a crutch he leans on.  Sometimes love is not enough.

[BrutalHearts]

He has been to rehab a few times before we met and once after that intervention.  And he's hasn't used since then. It was the mental health issues that he was struggling with. 

Thank you for all your responses. They are very sobering. Even reading what I wrote is surreal. I don't even recognize myself.