Talking to Ex Again After 5mos (She Broke Up)

[Love2Love78]

Need some advice.  I dated someone for a little over a year.  We broke up about 4-5mos ago.  When we were good, we were amazing.  But, we both had things to work through that caused issues in the relationship.  She ended it.

We hadn't talked during that time, but I reached out this past weekend.  Kept it simple - showed her something that reminded me of her, and said that I hope she was doing well.  An hour or so later, she replied.

We ended up texting back and forth for hours the rest of that evening.  The next day, she started texting me and later reached out via Facetime and asked if we could ever be "just friends".  We both knew the answer to that.

I opened up - told her I've tried dating, and that the whole time, I kept thinking of her.  That those women were nothing compared to what her and I had.  100% true.

Told her I'd like to rebuild a friendship with her and go from there.  She hasn't dated and isn't ready to yet.  She also told me that so long as we're talking, she wouldn't date anyone else.  So, we're friends for now, but we both have the same goal for later on... fixing us.

She started seeing a counselor and has worked on the issues, I have a counselor and worked on mine as well.  We still have things to work on.  But, we're both actively working on overcoming the issues.

Was hoping to get some advice on how I should handle this?  Like how often to reach out, suggestions on boundaries, etc.?  When together, we talked constantly all morning noon and night.  I know she needs space, and I know a VERY important thing she needs now is to not feel any pressure (said no flirting for now), but also knowing I'm here.

So far, I reached out Sat, we went back and forth thereafter until we went to sleep, she reached out Sun early afternoon, text regularly until she called me on Facetime later that evening (over 2hrs on Facetime).  Mon, I reached out early evening, she called me on Facetime again (Prob close to 2hrs again).  Yesterday, I told her good morning, she said it back, but didn't text her the rest of the day.  Nothing yet today.

I am focused on me right now.  That's why we're just building a friendship for now.  I just don't know the best way to show her I'm here, that I'm making an effort to rebuild our friendship, eventually want to try again (RIGHT this time), but not make her feel pressure.  I want that sense of wondering what I'm up to, but not so much that she doesn't think I'm not serious here.  Suggestions?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Love2Love78 said:

I know she needs space, and I know a VERY important thing she needs now is to not feel any pressure. but not make her feel pressure. 

Only contact her when she contacts you. She knows where you are and what you want. Try  not to smother her.

Is this the same woman?:

 

[Love2Love78]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Only contact her when she contacts you. She knows where you are and what you want. Try  not to smother her.

Is this the same woman?:

 

Thanks, I appreciate it.  I'll definitely wait.

Yes, same woman.  I know it seems nuts, but she has been doing counseling, has realized a LOT of what she was doing wrong, and we are going to go SLOW this time.  Not even considering a relationship yet, and before we do, would do at least several sessions of couple's counseling to establish boundaries, prevent reoccurrences of issues, etc.  I wouldn't let things go anywhere at all until a counselor gives us the green light and is confident we won't hit the same roadblocks again.

Like I covered previously, she's the one.  Never felt that way before with anyone, haven't since, don't see how I could.  Same on her end.  We just have to figure out a way to make it work this time.  Individual and couple's counseling is definitely a must, but again, we're not there yet.  Just building the friendship for now and want to make sure to do it right.

[mark clemson]

3 hours ago, Love2Love78 said:

Was hoping to get some advice on how I should handle this?  

I want that sense of wondering what I'm up to, but not so much that she doesn't think I'm not serious here.  

Suggestions?

 

While being careful is probably good in your situation, one suggestion is to avoid being manipulative (see the 2nd sentence quoted). If you can't "be yourself" to a reasonable extent with her then you're probably not compatible and that tends to eventually kill things.

Relationships are ultimately a mutual choice to continue together. That's two words: mutual and choice. You're reconciling because you both want to (are choosing to). You mention "issues" in the relationship. That can mean a lot of things, so my other suggestion is to avoid doing things that might make her no longer choose to continue this reconciliation. That is by no means a guarantee things will work out, but at least try to avoid any probable landmines as much as you can.

Edited August 24, 2022 by mark clemson

[Love2Love78]

Well, since the good morning text (and her reciprocating one) Tuesday, haven't talked since then.  Debating on sending a brief text to her later this evening.

Maybe I should've mentioned it in the first post here, but she has a dismissive avoidant attachment style.  She is open with some of her feelings, but closed off with others, and VERY quick to pull away when she gets upset, feels overwhelmed, sees me pulling away, etc.  Because of that, I'm a little concerned that because of her attachment style, if I keep too much space, she'll think I'm pulling away and do the same on her end.

On Sat I started the first text of course, Sunday she did, then she called me on video chat (talked for over 2hrs), then I initiated texting on Mon evening, she again called on video chat that night (again over 2hrs), and the last one was me initiating Tues morning (with the good morning).  So, she definitely wants to talk, but I think she's so afraid of getting hurt again that she doesn't want to make much effort... yet.

I feel like if I wait to hear from her, it might be a long time and it might backfire.  Or, she might think I got together with someone else, changed my mind, or something else to where I didn't care to talk anymore.  And if she starts to feel that way, no way she'll contact me, as she fears rejection big time.

I don't want to screw this up, but not sure what would be ideal as far as keeping contact with her?  I think I might just send her a text later tonight asking how her week is going and if she has any good plans for the weekend yet.  Keep it brief, when she gets back to me, welcome her to call me if she wants.

She knows it's not me to not talk for days like this, so I'm sure this is confusing her (especially because when we first started talking, it was a LOT).  But, I also want to show her I'm being patient.  Do you guys feel I should wait longer?  How long?  What if she starts to lose interest again because she thinks I have?  Yes, I overthink everything

[Love2Love78]

**Update**

She actually just messaged me 🥰.  
 

Really weird thing too. I was thinking of texting her earlier today with this 👀.  Figured no, and I waited. She just text me, and not even exaggerating, literally exactly just that, the eyes 👀.  
 

I’m tearing up like a little girl in the gym, lol.  One, because she messaged me.  Two, because there has been way too many of those synchronicities like that to be coincidence.  Every fiber of my heart tells me she’s the one.  We just have to fix things

[ExpatInItaly]

This all sounds utterly exhausting, OP. 

When you can't manage a relationship without a third party (ie. a counsellor) telling you it's all clear to try again? You aren't meant to be together and are trying too hard to shove a square peg into a round hole. 

I'm sorry. Despite these teeny crumbs, I don't see this one working out in the end. 

 

[chrysalis3]

On 8/25/2022 at 6:50 PM, Love2Love78 said:

I’m tearing up like a little girl in the gym, lol.  One, because she messaged me.  Two, because there has been way too many of those synchronicities like that to be coincidence.  Every fiber of my heart tells me she’s the one.  We just have to fix things

Awe. I say take the chance to fix things! Just protect your heart though. Go for it.