Being honest but getting shot back by partner.

[Al7]

So my situation is that it was my step daughters birthday and she was turning 10. I have had a lot on all week but I was also asked by my partner knowing that I could say anything but yes it’s fine, if the real father of the step daughter can come to our home to watch her open presents. Having agreed to this on the night before the birthday day I openly said if fee but weird about tomorrow and a bit uneasy about it. Well once I said that I was told I’m silly, I’m being a dick and I’m making the situation about me. Can somebody explain what I’ve meant to have done wrong and why I’m getting so much crap about saying what I said?

[BrinnM]

Your partner’s main concern is probably her daughter, and making her special day, her 10th birthday, a pleasant experience. For the child, it’s important that everybody gets along - mom, dad, and new partner(s). No friction!
I’m glad her mom sees it that way as well. For you to say that you’re uneasy about her ex coming to your house, we’ll, that probably stresses her out a little bit. She wants everything to be perfect, and she certainly wants no friction, even if it’s just latent. She asked you if that’s a problem, you said no, and then the next day when she’s most likely busy preparing everything for the event, and maybe getting the house ready for guests, you start voicing doubts. She needs your support, not your criticism. She’s right when she says it’s not about you. You are making her life more difficult in that moment. And that’s why she’s annoyed & irritated. Don’t take it personally, just try to be a pillar of strength, and don’t sweat the small stuff - and yes, don’t make it about you! It’s a little girl’s special day and you’re all adults. Act the part!

[Al7]

Thank you for the comment and i completely agree to be honest with you. I think it was just the way she went about it I felt was wrong as she was shouting and saying things like your being a dick and you will have crap birthday now, I mean that’s unfair. I had no problem with the dad coming over and he did and everything went perfect, it was not a concern or a doubt at all it was how I was feeling with it being something new. For the last 6 years he has not been present on the day so me with autism found it but uneasy. In that moment rather than her causing at issue could she not have said ‘ I understand it my be difficult I appreciate you supporting me with him coming over and it will be ok’

[Coasting1991]

I agree that your partner had a right to be frustrated, but I also think that your partner could have been more tactful and phrased it in the way that you mentioned above. Does your partner have a history of lashing out while stressed, or is this a one-off? Do you also have a history of springing things like this last minute? 

[BrinnM]

17 minutes ago, Coasting1991 said:

springing things like this last minute

Good point. This certainly added to her stress-level. 

[Al7]

She is not approachable and when anything is mentioned about her ex she flips out yet mention the other father as she has 3 children by 2 other men she doesn’t flip out. 

[Wiseman2]

She needs to put her children first because, well, they're innocent children. They're not responsible for her or their respective fathers actions.

Step back and keep yourself busy when one of the children has a birthday or event.

Keep in mind that only the father and mother have a say in a child's life. Try not to interfere with co-parenting as odd or strange as you think it is. Children don't need even more adult drama in their lives.

Edited August 25, 2022 by Wiseman2

[BaileyB]

It’s unfortunate that she didn’t plan to hold the party at a neutral location (ie. movie theatre, etc) because then the father could attend and it wouldn’t be your home. Of course, she wants her child’s father to attend the party for the child, but she should also respect your feelings as it is your home. This was a poor decision on her part. 

[Al7]

Can I add though to all that she was already frustrated because she made it clear that this weekend we cannot do anything for my birthday but she went and spent £70 on her hair that she says is essential. So I said but if you got no money how you going cope for rest of the month? Apparently I should not have said this, I think this is the underlying problem because I never ever said I never wanted the father come I said yes of course he can come so I supported he but of course just like most all I said was I felt bit uncomfortable that was it

[Will am I]

1 hour ago, Al7 said:

and spent £70 on her hair that she says is essential

If a woman says she needs to spend 70 quid on her hair, it's essential. Don't go fight over those things. Let girls be girls.

(unless she's actually spending the grocery money and the kids aren't getting fed. then you need to step in.)

 

I think your issues are different and deeper than what you are positing about. This is not about whether your stepdaughter's father should or should not come to the birthday party. This is about communication, deviating expectations in the relationship and problems setting healthy boundaries. Your partner doesn't seem great at setting boundaries.

[mark clemson]

It sounds a bit like she's living her life and "you're there". Sometimes that's unavoidable as "life happens" and I think for most of us there are too many potential stressors to be "lovey-dovey" constantly.

However if she makes a habit of neglecting you/your needs, not prioritizing you the way you do her, and using you for emotional venting regularly, then you might consider what it is you're getting out of this relationship. Not saying that this is the case, but it sounds like it perhaps could be heading that direction. Is celebrating your birthday just being postponed, or being skipped entirely? If the answer is the latter, it begs the question of how important you really are to her now that a relationship has been established.

Are you building a life together or is this relationship basically serving the needs of occasional sex and "avoiding loneliness"?  That's not something I'm requesting you answer, but something for you to consider. Good relationships usually require "work" as well as compromise to maintain the happiness of both parties, and when one party thinks they can just "skip the work" it can lead to a downward spiral.

There are those in the world who are good at establishing relationships, but don't have the skills and/or prioritization of their interest to make them work long term.

Edited August 25, 2022 by mark clemson

[Lotsgoingon]

You did nothing wrong. Your wife is the immature jerk here (sorry but it's the truth).

One of the biggest problems, one of the toxic causes of marital discord, is when one partner shuts down and shames the other. Your wife shut you down and shamed you. And you didn't know how to respond. Pay attention though: the fact that you posted here indicates that in your body you knew you didn't do anything "wrong" and that this whole criticism from your wife was widely unfair. Your body is right.

What your wife could have done is to just realize you were expressing some misgivings and fear. There is nothing wrong, nothing sinful, about expressing fear of being in the presence of an former spouse of your partner. Nothing. Mixed families--getting them to work, getting past all the awkwardness and sometimes rivalries--is a process. Yes, the cliche of "process" fits here, because we cannot flip a switch and do away with the awkwardness.

If your wife wanted to be helpful, she could have shown some curiosity, to listen to why you were feeling anxious about her ex coming over. And then she could have probably reassured you. And you would have felt safe and your wife would have a clearer idea of where you are in dealings with her ex.

Instead, she shamed you, criticized you, belittled you, completely dismissing totally normal (and even health) feelings you had. Google the "four horsemen and john gottman." Gottman is a world-famous marriage counselor, and what your wife did includes at least two of the most destructive behaviors that can undermine a marriage. She displayed contempt along with criticism, possibly some stone-walling thrown in.

The typical scenario is that you go along with being shamed, but you harbor some serious resentment. You feel confined. You feel your feelings don't matter. All of that is grist for serious marital conflict. 

Now you have a role here as well, one that you failed to occupy. Why didn't you speak up for yourself. Why didn't you say that it's normal that you would have some discomfort around her pervious spouse? Why didn't you tell her to not dismiss you like she did? The key point here is that you don't shut down and shame people even if one of your ultimate goals is good--in this case having the ex over for his daughter. Your wife is going to want your understanding at some point. Can we say in-laws? 

You've got to speak up. What might have distracted you is that the ultimate goal here was good. But shaming undermines kindness. Shaming undermines the rock bottom foundation of trust in a relationship. You no longer feel safe with your wife, and you'll hide what you're really feeling and next thing you know, you're pretending. 

You have a serious issue in your marriage. Time for you to stand up for yourself. Your wife sounds immature and un-thoughtful and not understanding--she sounds emotionally self-absorbed and downright immature. And she's bullying. Dude, time to step up and say no to all of that. 

 

[Al7]

2 hours ago, mark clemson said:

It sounds a bit like she's living her life and "you're there". Sometimes that's unavoidable as "life happens" and I think for most of us there are too many potential stressors to be "lovey-dovey" constantly.

However if she makes a habit of neglecting you/your needs, not prioritizing you the way you do her, and using you for emotional venting regularly, then you might consider what it is you're getting out of this relationship. Not saying that this is the case, but it sounds like it perhaps could be heading that direction. Is celebrating your birthday just being postponed, or being skipped entirely? If the answer is the latter, it begs the question of how important you really are to her now that a relationship has been established.

Are you building a life together or is this relationship basically serving the needs of occasional sex and "avoiding loneliness"?  That's not something I'm requesting you answer, but something for you to consider. Good relationships usually require "work" as well as compromise to maintain the happiness of both parties, and when one party thinks they can just "skip the work" it can lead to a downward spiral.

There are those in the world who are good at establishing relationships, but don't have the skills and/or prioritization of their interest to make them work long term.

My weekend been cancelled so no birthday weekend because she has said she doesn’t want go away now

[Wiseman2]

21 hours ago, Al7 said:

if the real father of the step daughter can come to our home to watch her open presents. I was told I’m silly, I’m being a dick and I’m making the situation about me. 

Whose house is it? Do you co-own, co-lease or is it yours or hers? Are you legally married? Try not to compete for attention with her school age children. Birthdays are a big deal for children.

You two can celebrate your birthday some later time.  Maybe when the father's have custody you two can get away for a romantic weekend.

Are the respective fathers paying appropriate child support? Is sounds like they are involved caring fathers.

[Al7]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Whose house is it? Do you co-own, co-lease or is it yours or hers? Are you legally married? Try not to compete for attention with her school age children. Birthdays are a big deal for children.

You two can celebrate your birthday some later time.  Maybe when the father's have custody you two can get away for a romantic weekend.

Are the respective fathers paying appropriate child support? Is sounds like they are involved caring fathers.

Firstly no the 1 fathers does not support his 2 children, the other pays his maintenance each month without fail. The house is mine and I provide out of my savings this week £450 to my partner for birthday party stuff and so she has money as she doesn’t work. Is that not supportive enough? 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Al7 said:

Firstly no the 1 fathers does not support his 2 children, the other pays his maintenance each month without fail. she doesn’t work. 

Yes, she needs to file for appropriate child maintenance from both fathers. Is she a SAHM? You seem very frustrated with her. What is really going on in the marriage?

[Al7]

28 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes, she needs to file for appropriate child maintenance from both fathers. Is she a SAHM? You seem very frustrated with her. What is really going on in the marriage?

We are not married I’m frustrated because she escalate things and makes them worse than what they are. I love her dearly, I understand it must be really hard for her having 3 children by 2 other men I get them, however I should not be walked over or have to just to accept everything she does because that’s the way she wants it. I’m frustrated because she has not talked to me 2 days, wrecked my birthday weekend I was looking forward to just because I was expressing to my partner I felt bit uncomfortable with her ex coming over to watch his daughter open her presents in my home. I did not say he couldn’t come I was simply expressing to my partner that’s it. 

[Lotsgoingon]

I'll be blunt dude: she hasn't talked to you in two days? That's ridiculous. Why are you in this relationship? She isn't ready or apparently capable of being loving. You better get out. My bet is that your partner can turn on charisma and charm and sexiness when she wants, and you get pulled in. While you're basking in the glow of her charisma, she turns into the jerk she showed with her daughter and you. 

Her bad qualities are toxic, fatal to any real trust.

You have got to speak out and stand your ground or else you will hate, despite not wanting to. 

Either stand up or get out. She's not speaking to you? OMG, that is preposterous. She's the jerk here, not you. 

 

[Al7]

6 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

I'll be blunt dude: she hasn't talked to you in two days? That's ridiculous. Why are you in this relationship? She isn't ready or apparently capable of being loving. You better get out. My bet is that your partner can turn on charisma and charm and sexiness when she wants, and you get pulled in. While you're basking in the glow of her charisma, she turns into the jerk she showed with her daughter and you. 

Her bad qualities are toxic, fatal to any real trust.

You have got to speak out and stand your ground or else you will hate, despite not wanting to. 

Either stand up or get out. She's not speaking to you? OMG, that is preposterous. She's the jerk here, not you. 

 

I posted on here because genuinely I really confused why my partner has escalated things she doesn’t work so I pay for everything and I mean everything her car, my car etc but none of that matters what bothers me is whenever I feel uncomfortable with something and say and if it’s not what she wants to here she kicks of and says I’m a dick, we go round in circles, why do you even have a problem why can you not just be easy going all this even though all I’m doing is expressing my feeling to my partner which I think everybody should be able to do

[Al7]

So if you really must no these are the 3 things apparently have upset her. 
1. Me saying I feel uncomfortable about her ex being round

2. Me saying get down stairs now something isn’t sitting right with me why you kicked off like this

3. I wish you had saved a bit of money to one side for my birthday, and because I’ve said this I’ve made her feel bad for having her hair done

those are the 3 little small issues

[Will am I]

I don’t see these as separate small issues.

The bigger picture is that she doesn’t seem to want to hear anything from you. You’re welcome to be around but not allowed to change the way she goes about life.

Like a fling rather than a life partner.

[Al7]

How would anybody say to there partner I don’t feel like whatever I have to say is relevant to you. She would just lose it

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Al7 said:

So if you really must no these are the 3 things apparently have upset her. 
1. Me saying I feel uncomfortable about her ex being round

2. Me saying get down stairs now something isn’t sitting right with me why you kicked off like this

3. I wish you had saved a bit of money to one side for my birthday, and because I’ve said this I’ve made her feel bad for having her hair done

those are the 3 little small issues

There are better and worse ways to address issues - time, place and tone are all important.

1. From what I understand, you told her that you were uncomfortable with the ex coming around on the day of the party.  Considering that he was already invited and it was the day of the party, what was she supposed to do with this information?   Or, to turn it around, what did YOU want her to do with this information?  

2. "Get downstairs now" is probably the worst way to start a conversation.  Honestly, that would get up anybody's nose.  Far better to go to her when all is quiet and raise a conversation starting with "I feel like we're at odds over this and I'd really like to talk it through with you"

3. You said that you're paying for everything.  So does this mean that you're paying for her hairstyle and also for the gifts she gives to you?  Or does she have some income of her own?

[Al7]

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

There are better and worse ways to address issues - time, place and tone are all important.

1. From what I understand, you told her that you were uncomfortable with the ex coming around on the day of the party.  Considering that he was already invited and it was the day of the party, what was she supposed to do with this information?   Or, to turn it around, what did YOU want her to do with this information?  

2. "Get downstairs now" is probably the worst way to start a conversation.  Honestly, that would get up anybody's nose.  Far better to go to her when all is quiet and raise a conversation starting with "I feel like we're at odds over this and I'd really like to talk it through with you"

3. You said that you're paying for everything.  So does this mean that you're paying for her hairstyle and also for the gifts she gives to you?  Or does she have some income of her own?

She has no income

[basil67]

7 minutes ago, Al7 said:

She has no income

In that case, she doesn't have income to save.

But the bigger question is why doesn't she work?  Surely she could have a part time job.   And what are the rules around her getting a single mother's pension in your living situation?