Being honest but getting shot back by partner.

[mark clemson]

In addition to no income, it sounds like she has no consequences (at least none she cares about) for her negative behaviors in your relationship. You "need" her more than she needs you and she's recognized this and now feels like she can neglect you, treat you with no respect, etc.

 

6 hours ago, Al7 said:

we go round in circles, why do you even have a problem why can you not just be easy going all this even though all I’m doing is expressing my feeling to my partner which I think everybody should be able to do

Exactamundo. And circles it shall continue to be most likely, until you show some spine with her. Doing that might end the relationship, but NOT doing it likely just means more of the same.

She sponges off of you and neglects you and then feels privileged to bash you when you complain about her neglect. Is this the kind of relationship you want to continue to be in? (Another question you don't need to answer, but should probably be asking yourself.)

It's unlikely to get better from here unless you do something about it. That has only a reasonable chance of success, but doing nothing just leaves you stuck with what is likely to become the status quo.

Edited August 26, 2022 by mark clemson

[Lotsgoingon]

As I read on, you marriage just becomes worse and worse. You're totally supporting her? And she is dismissive of you feeling awkward about her ex-husband coming over? An ex-husband who apparently is a child-support-avoiding bum?

Dude, wake up. How much worse does she have to act before you realize that this rodeo is just gonna throw your face into dirt? Have you had trouble speaking up in relationships before? Some actions are actually worthy of a response that includes anger. Not vicious anger, but strong "I don't like this" anger. You got to get in touch with your anger. Anger is what gives us the backbone and strength to say "no" when we're being exploited or cheated. 

How did you end up in this relationship? 

[IrinaM]

8 hours ago, Al7 said:

I understand it must be really hard for her having 3 children by 2 other men

Yes but babies don't just randomly fall from the sky. They don't happen to you, they happen because of you. She's a grown adult.

I'll be in the minority here, but I'm not a fan of "blended families." I'm really not interested in meeting anyone's babymom or ex or whatever. I think it was disrespectful for her to invite her ex to your house, period.

[Al7]

8 hours ago, basil67 said:

In that case, she doesn't have income to save.

But the bigger question is why doesn't she work?  Surely she could have a part time job.   And what are the rules around her getting a single mother's pension in your living situation?

 

Cause it’s to easy for her if I’m covering everything. 
but that’s irrelevant to point is she thinks it’s selfish of me to express my concern about the Dad coming over at 7am for his daughters birthday. Even when I was not kicking off I said he could come it’s the fact I felt uncomfortable simple.

[basil67]

Given that you're complaining about her not saving for your birthday, the fact that she's not working is not irrelevant.  If you want birthday gifts, she needs to have an income.

And I go back to my previous (unanswered) question:  When, on the eve of the event, you said you were uncomfortable with the father coming for his daughter's birthday, what was the reason you raised the discussion?   Were you needing comfort, or were you hoping she'd cancel the guy at the last minute and disappoint the daughter?

To be clear, her reaction was not appropriate....but I'm wondering at your goal and why you'd make an issue at the last minute.

[Will am I]

26 minutes ago, Al7 said:

Cause it’s to easy for her if I’m covering everything. 

From what I read on this topic it seems like your partner has developed a certain survival mechanism: find a guy and cling to him.

Obviously her results are not great. The strategy has resulted in children from different fathers, none of them currently with her. No income, no money of her own. Her being dependent on people without the relative safety of a life partnership. So yes, I thik she's cutting herself short. But that's your partner @Al7 and she's not the one on this forum. So we're speaking with you and not with her.

Missing a little bit of background. Are you and your partner living together? Are you two married? Do you have children together? 

If you're not married and not parenting your own children with her, I guess step one is for you to decide if you want to invest deeply in this relationship. If you don't, walk away before you're stuck.

If you do (or if you're already committed though marriage and/or children), you need to be more supportive and altruistic. And you need to prepare for a long ride to help her become more confident and independent. Relationships work best when they're truly consentual (which includes the notion that both parties could make it on their own if they'd prefer it that way).

 

 

 

 

Edited August 26, 2022 by Will am I

[Al7]

On 8/26/2022 at 9:03 AM, Will am I said:

From what I read on this topic it seems like your partner has developed a certain survival mechanism: find a guy and cling to him.

Obviously her results are not great. The strategy has resulted in children from different fathers, none of them currently with her. No income, no money of her own. Her being dependent on people without the relative safety of a life partnership. So yes, I thik she's cutting herself short. But that's your partner @Al7 and she's not the one on this forum. So we're speaking with you and not with her.

Missing a little bit of background. Are you and your partner living together? Are you two married? Do you have children together? 

If you're not married and not parenting your own children with her, I guess step one is for you to decide if you want to invest deeply in this relationship. If you don't, walk away before you're stuck.

If you do (or if you're already committed though marriage and/or children), you need to be more supportive and altruistic. And you need to prepare for a long ride to help her become more confident and independent. Relationships work best when they're truly consentual (which includes the notion that both parties could make it on their own if they'd prefer it that way).

 

 

 

 

I agree mate been together for 5 years and she thinks I should accept everything she decides. It’s my birthday tomorrow and she has said it’s ok for the step daughter to have her boyfriend sleepover the truth is I don’t want anyone staying or and it’s my birthday I thought she would just ring and communicate with me rather than telling me oh yeah her boyfriend staying over just winds me up

[Al7]

On 8/26/2022 at 8:49 AM, basil67 said:

Given that you're complaining about her not saving for your birthday, the fact that she's not working is not irrelevant.  If you want birthday gifts, she needs to have an income.

And I go back to my previous (unanswered) question:  When, on the eve of the event, you said you were uncomfortable with the father coming for his daughter's birthday, what was the reason you raised the discussion?   Were you needing comfort, or were you hoping she'd cancel the guy at the last minute and disappoint the daughter?

To be clear, her reaction was not appropriate....but I'm wondering at your goal and why you'd make an issue at the last minute.

There was definitely no goal. I wanted to be able to talk to my partner and express that I felt uncomfortable that was all, this is something out of the ordinary as for 5 years together he has never come round to my home for her birthday so yea was bit weird.

[Will am I]

You spent five years together, that’s a pretty long time.
 

I read a few red flags. The general picture is that your presence is mostly convenient to her, of course not a great basis, I can only assume you want to be more than a convenience.

And there doesn’t seem to be good open communication about what you both expect in the relationship.

Do you have your own expectations and goals clear?

[Al7]

1 hour ago, Will am I said:

You spent five years together, that’s a pretty long time.
 

I read a few red flags. The general picture is that your presence is mostly convenient to her, of course not a great basis, I can only assume you want to be more than a convenience.

And there doesn’t seem to be good open communication about what you both expect in the relationship.

Do you have your own expectations and goals clear?

I just want to have better communication, for example for her to contact me today and say bab I no it’s your birthday tomorrow to you mind to our daughter boyfriend stay over? Rather than just say yes without even speaking to me, or just anything like she does for example she say oh by the way I’ve said you can pick up xyz so I’m like oh right ok. Then she says in a funny why oh why is that a problem. Just things like that to be honest 

[mark clemson]

Sometimes "what you allow is what will continue".

[Will am I]

56 minutes ago, Al7 said:

I just want to have better communication, for example for her to contact me today and say bab I no it’s your birthday tomorrow to you mind to our daughter boyfriend stay over? Rather than just say yes without even speaking to me, or just anything like she does for example she say oh by the way I’ve said you can pick up xyz so I’m like oh right ok. Then she says in a funny why oh why is that a problem. Just things like that to be honest 

We can only fix things on our end.

You expect better communication, but you can’t fix your partner. The only thing you can do is to level the skill up yourself and to coach her in the most loving and least judgemental way you can.

Either she will respond and start growing or she won’t. You can’t force things.

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Al7 said:

for example for her to contact me today and say bab I no it’s your birthday tomorrow to you mind to our daughter boyfriend stay over? 

Make a house rule that the BF Never sleeps over. This way it's consistent, not contingent. It's confusing for kids, even young adult kids that sometimes this ok, sometimes it's not. While her parenting, of course, is her and their fathers' business, you can have rules and consistency in your own house.

The more orderly and less chaotic it is the less conflicts there will be because there won't be haggling and negotiating chronically. No BF sleepovers. Ever. Being permissive and lenient one time and strict another allows kids to perfect their divide-and-conquer skills. That contributes to household chaos and conflict. Be consistent.

Edited August 27, 2022 by Wiseman2