Hopeless

[RAYGUN]

I met my wife Cindy 21 years ago. We worked together and she asked me out, and I found her attractive and it was nice to have someone pursue me for a change. Cindy enjoyed my company and I enjoyed hers, and we quickly became involved. Not only did we have work in common, but we exercised together and liked many of the same kinds of recreational activities and other interests.

 

Within 4 months of dating she became pregnant, and I decided it was too soon in the relationship for me to become a father, so we got an abortion, which we survived.

 

Within the next few months I was invited to meet the family which lived far away in another state. I became somewhat concerned when I met her mom because of her enormous weight -- which scared me because coworkers indicated Cindy was also very heavy prior to me meeting her.

 

After two years we bought a house together, and I finally presented her an engagement ring. This is when I noticed some unsettling changes...

 

Cindy at times could become argumentative and distant, almost as if I were a sibling. I became concerned that she stopped exercising and started gaining weight, and that she would end up like her mother who was morbidly obese. When I expressed these concerns Cindy would clam up and/or start to cry, saying I didn't really love her.

 

We got married, and I hoped things would improve -- but they didn't. At times I thought about leaving the marriage. Then Cindy became pregnant -- again not planned. Having gone through a childhood divorce myself, I made a decision that despite my own feelings I would have to be responsible for this and be the best father I could for my son, and as good a husband as possible.

 

But I began to have feelings of anger and resentment, which in addition to my wife's increasing weight, made me adverse to any sexual interest. While Cindy and I could, and still, enjoy activities together, and be affectionate towards one another, their was and is a pervasive underlying stress -- we have a sexless marriage, which I have been in mourning over for many years.

 

After multiple infatuations with other women, I ended up giving into temptation and had an affair. Guilt and personality differences caused me to end it, and I told Cindy about it hoping it would tell her just how unhappy I was, and that she would seek professional help for what I have now learned is her secretive binge eating disorder. She stated she understood and she would do everything possible to change. We tried marriage counseling for over a year, but unfortunately the "new age" counselor was a woman who herself was recovering from an abusive relationship which caused her to see my frustration and anger as "abusive."

 

That was three years ago, "everything possible" is only taking anti-depressants and diet pills -- no exercise or independent counseling. Cindy has gained more weight -- 5'2" and at 200+ lbs. is morbidly obese. As our son has grown up and is now more independent and dad oriented, he has been replaced by a pair of large, noisy, destructive birds, which are making me more and more deaf, and which my son hates. These are definitely surrogate children who I'm expected to live with for the rest of my life, because if I really love Cindy I will understand how important they are to her. Our life together seems like it will consist mostly of Cindy lying on the couch watching TV with birds on her lap, holding my hand across the coffee table...

 

Cindy seems perfectly content with this, she has all she wants -- a child/birds, SUV, house, and wedding ring, but I feel like I'm dying. I got a motorcycle to have something fun between my legs. Within the past year or so I also got to know another woman who just got divorced, and again I became infatuated -- but she has stopped communicating with me after I told her how I feel about her. I feel like my only chance for true happiness has evaporated.

 

I feel despair and hopeless, and the only answer is a separation or divorce.

[slubberdegullion]

We got married, and I hoped things would improve -- but they didn't.

Marriage never - and I do mean never - makes things better.

we have a sexless marriage, which I have been in mourning over for many years.

Oh, man, can I ever relate! It's heartbreaking, I know, but some women just don't seem to understand how important sex is within a marriage.

We tried marriage counseling for over a year, but unfortunately the "new age" counselor was a woman who herself was recovering from an abusive relationship which caused her to see my frustration and anger as "abusive."

Just like there are good and bad mechanics, doctors and business people, there are good and bad counsellors. Any time you hear of a counsellor that uses phrasing such as "getting in touch with the inner self" and "being aware of your spirit guide" and similar dreck, get another counsellor.

Cindy seems perfectly content with this, she has all she wants -- a child/birds, SUV, house, and wedding ring

Of course she does. She's got it all. Meanwhile, your spirit is being crushed.

I feel despair and hopeless, and the only answer is a separation or divorce.

You may be right; it certainly sounds like that.

 

Start getting your financial affairs in order. See a lawyer, but don't let on anything, lest she beat you to the punch and waddle off with all your money.

 

Good luck.

[JayKay]

It sounds like you are miserable but afraid to make changes and start a new life.

 

Cindy doesn't have to change -- why should she? You seem perfectly willing to sit tight and hold hands and stroke birds. Or are you?

 

People don't change unless they see that serious consequences will result. Sad to say, but this is especially true for addicts -- doesn't matter if it's food, drugs or alcohol.

 

I think you need to sit down and seriously tell her that you are unhappy and have been for a long time.

Tell her you have started speaking with a lawyer (and yes, DO this before talking to her) and will, until further notice, be sleeping in seperate quarters.

 

Tell her your needs have been shoved aside for way too long. The situation has become intolerable.

 

If the lawyer advises you not to move out (and it depends on which state you live in) I'd set up a bedroom in a seperate part of the house. She needs to know you mean business.

 

It sounds like you have been yearning for a better life for a long time. This marriage doesn't sound very happy or fulfilling to me. Now that your son is grown, I think it's certainly time for you to find some happiness for yourself.