NC vs Indifference. Which is more effective?

[ladyeatinggreens20]

I’ve read several threads about no contact. People suggesting it. People seemingly not really ready for it. Some people go no contact to try and “trick” their significant other into coming back, behaving in a certain way and sometimes to make people leave them alone.

I’m sure it works for some, but it seems as though it works for a small chunk of time and then someone breaks it for some reason or another. I guess the nuances of each relationship are what deem NC necessary or not. 

What I’m currently going through is , realizing that my ex is/was more insecure than anything. He  could be manipulative and passive aggressive to try controlling me, e.g. when we were together he once said he didn’t call me all day because he literally felt he had to do that to “make” me come over or call him. (My lack of calling upset him). I was so turned off by that and my facial expression and distance(at the time), showed it. When I became distant he assumed I was mad . In his eyes, being upset with me (or vice versa) made him feel closer to me. Dumb, but that’s how he was. I have not been initiating contact with him, but I did respond when he reached out. I’ve started to feel like indifference is just as good as NC. 
 

Which works best for you and why? Indifference or NO CONTACT?

 

[BrinnM]

I mean, you can’t really compare the 2, because you can’t choose to just be indifferent. It’s not like you get up one morning and tell yourself: “alright, I’m gonna be indifferent from now on….” - it’s a development, and if you don’t care anymore, you don’t. But you can’t just flip a switch and be indifferent towards somebody. No contact on the other hand is a conscious choice, it’s a “behavior” if you will, that you can plan for. “Tomorrow im starting NC.” - Bam. It won’t always be easy to stick to it, but you can definitely NOT reach out to somebody. If you keep doing that for an extended period of time, you’ll reach indifference at some point. It’s not predictable when exactly this will happen, though.  

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, ladyeatinggreens20 said:

Which works best for you and why? Indifference or NO CONTACT?

Works best...to what end?

As @BrinnM says, indifference isn't something you choose. It's how you feel, after a period of time has passed. You can't make yourself feel that way. No Contact is, however, a choice. You have complete control over that. 

What I have found after breaking up with someone is that No Contact helped me reach a point of indifference more quickly. And because my goal was always healing and not reconciliation, that worked very well indeed. 

[ladyeatinggreens20]

Thanks for the responses. 
 

I realize NC overall is a choice and one has more control over the concept of NC than the concept of indifference. 
 

I just feel like I sometimes try being (or tricking myself into being) indifferent  sooner than later during a breakup. It feels like NC  except I have responded to an ex when he’s reached out. I could benefit from going NC I guess . After all, I  broke up with my ex for a reason.
 

 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, ladyeatinggreens20 said:

 ,I  broke up with my ex for a reason.

That is the important thing to focus on. You weren't happy or compatible.

Neither of these get-your-ex-back tricks work because they're just myths from those sites that prey on broken hearts.

On off relationships are fraught with unresolved incompatibilities and conflicts combined with unhealthy attachments and lack of better opportunities.

So there is no point in using any sort of tactics to try to get an ex back.

The best thing you can do now is delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Then you're free to move forward in peace.

Edited August 25, 2022 by Wiseman2

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, ladyeatinggreens20 said:

I could benefit from going NC I guess . After all, I  broke up with my ex for a reason.

Yes, precisely. 

Which is why I wonder, what did you mean when you asked which (indifference or No Contact) works best? Works best at moving on, or?

[stillafool]

Indifference is a state of mind and you aren't there yet or this thread wouldn't exist.  You wouldn't be thinking about him right now but other things.  You are fooling yourself if you think you can still communicate with him but be indifferent because you aren't.  You need to go NC to help yourself get over him.  There's no way to split the line and do it.  You need to block, delete him so you can heal from this relationship.  Especially now that he's moved into your neighborhood, you need to prevent him from contacting you.

[ladyeatinggreens20]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Works best at moving on, or?

Yep exactly, moving on. Thanks for asking. And sorry if my text got confusing.

[ladyeatinggreens20]

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

Indifference is a state of mind and you aren't there yet or this thread wouldn't exist.  You wouldn't be thinking about him right now but other things.  You are fooling yourself if you think you can still communicate with him but be indifferent because you aren't.  You need to go NC to help yourself get over him.  There's no way to split the line and do it.  You need to block, delete him so you can heal from this relationship.  Especially now that he's moved into your neighborhood, you need to prevent him from contacting you.

True. 
 

[ShyViolet]

Why would you respond to him when he texts you?  What is the purpose or benefit of that?  When you allow the lines of communication to stay open and let him stay in your life in some way, he is still taking up your mental energy.  He's taking up enough of your mental energy that you made this post about him.  You haven't closed the door on this chapter and given yourself the gift of being able to truly move on.  It is counterproductive and unhealthy.  No contact is best.

[ladyeatinggreens20]

On 8/28/2022 at 1:48 PM, ShyViolet said:

Why would you respond to him when he texts you?  What is the purpose or benefit of that? 

Not sure, but thanks for posing  the question even if just rhetorically. 

To address that though, I think I was addicted to the attention.  Sad yet true. Plus it’s my fault for not sticking to my boundaries or limited contact. When we initially met , we were friends in my eyes I didn’t see him as someone I would date. He was cool as a friend though and that was it though in my eyes. 
So when he asked me out I was a bit shocked. I went out with him. Things were cool until I noticed some things in his personality and his family, that I knew I would not deal  with. I discussed some of those things. Other things I just kept to myself and he knows that I’m keep some things to myself. I don’t see the purpose of complaining about anything.

Attention can be addictive. I don’t go out doing things in my life to “showboat “ . Not that kind of attention. Just the attention form a significant other. Although I like my personal time and all the hobbies, work, family etc I enjoy. I still like the attention of a man . I’ve met other men recently who I do have e contact with but the frequency isn’t as much as my ex. Maybe that’s selfish or just habitual, but I’m being honest. 

[ShyViolet]

2 hours ago, ladyeatinggreens20 said:

To address that though, I think I was addicted to the attention.  Sad yet true. Plus it’s my fault for not sticking to my boundaries or limited contact. 

It's good that you recognize and acknowledge this.  This is the first step towards making changes towards healthier behavior and boundaries.

[ladyeatinggreens20]

50 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

It's good that you recognize and acknowledge this.  This is the first step towards making changes towards healthier behavior and boundaries.

I reckon so.

It’s been rough over the last few days but I think posting this helped a bit. So thank you.

[stillafool]

Breakups are not easy and what you're feeling is normal.  You're trying to break an addiction and the more you stick to it the easier it will get.  It doesn't happen overnight so don't beat yourself up because you aren't magically over it yet.  It's important to delete and block all avenues so he can't reach you and vice versa.  Have you done that yet?

''

[ladyeatinggreens20]

14 hours ago, stillafool said:

Breakups are not easy and what you're feeling is normal.  You're trying to break an addiction and the more you stick to it the easier it will get.  It doesn't happen overnight so don't beat yourself up because you aren't magically over it yet.  It's important to delete and block all avenues so he can't reach you and vice versa.  Have you done that yet?

''

Yep from my phone. Otherwise, I don't do social media for a few reasons so that's not an issue.  He knows I don't do social media. He also knows why, yet he thinks I'm just keeping secrets( if he thought I was so secretive, why would he have wanted to stay with me). I'm not secretive, I'm just private and I had a stalker Ex a few years ago for who I had to get a protective order against. I guess it has affected me in several ways, but it's not all bad. Anyway, phone contact with me or my family, is basically this current X's only way to contact me.  

While I like attention (preferably healthy attention) from a significant other, I honestly do NOT like being in constant contact with people in general. It may come from the work I do always being "on", so I value my "me" time. Plus having a stalker, and dealing with the specifics of how things happened, made me keep men at a distance in some ways. Probably why this current ex thinks I'm secretive, hyper-vigilant and "distant". Vigilant (aware) and distant, yeah maybe. Secretive, not really, but I didn't share every moment of my life blow by blow with him. So if anybody thinks I'm secretive for that, then I'll be that.

[chrysalis3]

On 8/29/2022 at 8:08 PM, ladyeatinggreens20 said:

Attention can be addictive. I don’t go out doing things in my life to “showboat “ . Not that kind of attention. Just the attention form a significant other.

Try taking some time to give attention just to yourself. It's called self love and care. This can be very enlightening and healing all at the same time. You would be surprised what  you can learn about attention seeking behavior. You got this. 

[ladyeatinggreens20]

18 hours ago, chrysalis3 said:

Try taking some time to give attention just to yourself. It's called self love and care. This can be very enlightening and healing all at the same time. You would be surprised what  you can learn about attention seeking behavior. You got this. 

Very true and thanks. I’ve been through this process before and I would have thought it gets easier after a few times. In some ways yeah, other ways na. I love my solitude, hobbies, etc. But I miss some things. Almost wanna reach out to an ex before this last one, but I know good and well that wouldn’t be productive.

The cycle of remembering the positive parts of this relationship +reminding myself of the non-negotiables, is annoying.

Venting here helps a lot though.