keeping in contact with people you had sex with

[Martyn35]

Hi. So me and my girlfriend are having a tough time atm. 

The question I have, Im sure many can relate to, The question is:

Is it ok to be in contact with anybody you have previously had sex with when you have met somebody else?

My partner is in contact with a guy that she has know for around 12 years and over that period of time she has had sex with him a hand full of times (so im guessing five (ish). 

In my opinion I dont thing this is right, I think anyone you have dated, had sex with or been in a relationship with should be forgotten about and part of the past as the past is history and your future is ahead of you with  this person your in a relationship with. I also think it a little disrespectful to do this knowing that this is something your other half will have to deal with every day of the life whild with you.

Am I wrong in the way I think? honest opinions please.
 

[BrinnM]

Yeah, I can imagine that that’s uncomfortable. Not something I would put up with, TBH. 

[Martyn35]

yes I know, she has him on social media and she reached out to him to congratulate him on his baby wich is a nice thing to do but my problem is that they have ha casual sex and why would you reach out to a guy youve had sex with regardless of weather nice to do or not is what is running through my head. Hes should stay in th past is my opinion. I just want to know what the majority think. If the majority think im over reacted then Maybe I should knock it on the head and not mention it again. I dont know

[Weezy1973]

It’s not clear cut in this case. If she was wanting to hang out with him, especially without you, then for sure that’s a hard no. But from what you describe it sounds like they’ve known each other a long time, and there’s no intent to actually meet in person. They’re basically just on social media and occasionally post something. Saying congrats to someone for a specific life event like having a baby is about as benign as it can get. If they were messaging regularly, again that would be a different and worth a conversation. 

[understand50]

I guess it depends on the context and if she is open and honest with her past with him.  If she is keeping secrets, and not letting you know, yeah unacceptable.  This look like she has told you what the relationship was in the past. So,  yes, she should kind of cool it, but are you two going to last?  Looks like she is keeping her options open.  What can you do to be her option? 

Being married, is one thing and has a much higher level of commitment.  Being girl/boy friend is something else.  What is your commitment?  Where is this going? 

I wish you luck.

[Martyn35]

But for me this situation is so uncomfortable. when it was spoken about she did say that she would like to meet up and have a drink with him for a catch up as he is a sound guy, I think you two would get along. 

Meeting up with a guy My parner has had sex with is not something I would want to do and I wouldnt want her to either  as my head would go west. Even if I said ok to it I would constantly be on edge. Im not saying she would do anything, I am saying this is nice for me and it will never be nice 

pesonally I would want to meed with any one Iv had sex with due to knowing what my other half could be potentially going through and i definitely wouldn’t suggest to meet up with someone I have had sex with. I think its just weird but maybe im wrong

[Alpacalia]

10 minutes ago, Martyn35 said:

i definitely wouldn’t suggest to meet up with someone I have had sex with. I think its just weird but maybe im wrong

Yes.

That does sound a bit off.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Martyn35 said:

she reached out to him to congratulate him on his baby

  How long have you been dating? How old is she? How do you know what she is doing on social media?

Everyone has a past and unfortunately she told you about hers and you're holding it over her head. Even though, obviously, she is in another relationship and there is no cheating or romance going on.

You can't tell people who to be friends with, who to follow on social media or who to talk to.  So all you can do is observe if you are incompatible or get over it or end it.

[Martyn35]

I agree 100% but then it comes down to the fact of how much do they actually care about your feelings. I know that I care so much that I wouldnt want to put my other half in that situation because I know how I would feel. 

 

This is great everyone can we have our opinions and also clearly state if is something you would or would not be comfortable with yourself if you was to come accross this particular situation with you other halfs and how you would deal with it personally 

[Martyn35]

Also ening it is not wahat I want to do. Im no hear to end it. Im here to get out side views. If the majority side with me then hopefully you opinion can allow her see the way i see it and the hopfully she will act accordingly to how she sees fit. But if the majority side with her then I know that I will need to do something about the way I feel and just call it a day with this situation 

[Starswillshine]

Everyone has different levels of comfort on thos sort of thing. I think there is no right or wrong in your feelings. 

 

That said, have you communicated how you feel? Have you told her you are uncomfortable with it? How did she reach out? Was it a private message? Or just a post on his public wall? (Those are quite different things, one public, one more secret). 

[Jtomzs]

Just to add a bit of context to this situation. Im his girlfriend.

we’ve been together a year, both very committed. I was single for 3 years before that. I was waiting for the right one. I’m 33 and we now live together. 

the guy in question I have been friends with since I was 15 so I’ve known him for 18 years. We’ve been friends a long time. Yes, we’ve had sex a few times but it is what it is and nothing more. We’re better as friends. Always have been. I know his family he knows mine. Etc. Anyway…

he’s on my Facebook. I’ve not spoken to him for a good while and it popped up that he had a baby on Facebook. I commented on a status and said congratulations. My boyfriend was sat besides me when I did this (on a status not an inbox) and I explained how I knew him. He then inboxed me and said thanks etc hope you’re well… all very friendly. I didn’t lie and was honest about the situation. He didn’t like it. Which is fair enough, each to their own. But I’ve known this guy for half my life. I have no intention of meeting up with him. But yeah I did say if you guys did meet you’d get on. 
 

since then it gets brought up all the time that I am ‘in contact with people I’ve had sex with’ which isn’t necessarily the case. He asked me to delete him as a friend and I said no. Which has caused further issues. 

[Alpacalia]

I don't know OP.

I still keep in touch with a male friend from childhood.

It has always been platonic. Of course, I would introduce him to someone in my relationship with no hesitation.

My first thought would be that I wouldn't want to put a boyfriend in the uncomfortable position of having to meet a former casual lover unless he had a real concern about doing so.

Edited August 25, 2022 by Alpacalia

[PotatoHead]

As someone else said, everyone has different levels of comfort and needs to set their boundaries in these scenarios.  Many, such as myself, would not be okay with it.  The important thing is that it makes you uncomfortable, and your relationship should take priority over that friendship.  She should want to make you happy and comfortable in your relationship, otherwise this may be a deeper compatibility issue.

[mark clemson]

It depends a lot on the nature and frequency of the "contact". There shouldn't IMO be a blanket rule against just getting in touch with old friends in an emotionally healthy relationship. That would seem to indicate severe insecurities on the part of the person making the rule. Hiding those insecurities behind accusations of "disrespect" is just a form of deflection.

That said, spending gobs of time (even online, e.g. via video chat) with a former BF/GF, or making contact with them part of a regular routine, could very legitimately be seen as a red flag. Are they re-kindling their old relationship?

If cheating is the concern here - if a partner really wants to cheat or take back up with a former lover, they're going to. Even if you do stop them, it accomplishes little as the underlying issue remains unchanged. If, on the other hand, you are their priority and they have every intention of remaining loyal, then there is absolutely no harm in them touching base with a friend from their past.

I recognize that we aren't mind readers and it's not always easy to tell where your partners' head is at. That said, what you CAN control is where YOUR head is at. I believe the view above is a quite rational and reasonable one. If there are genuine signs that the contact is something more than just "getting in touch for nostalgia purposes" then it's reasonable to start questioning the contact.

Edited August 25, 2022 by mark clemson

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Martyn35 said:

 If the majority side with me then hopefully you opinion can allow her see the way i see it and the hopfully she will act accordingly to how she sees fit. 

Unfortunately, rallying up a jury against her is not going to change your situation. You are offended by this seemingly innocuous friend but she does  not see things in that way.

She was extremely forthcoming, honest and even offered to introduce you as a gettogether for a drink. These is not the thought processes or actions of someone with nefarious motives or a desire to harm or disrespect you. Those are the actions of someone transparent trying to quell the angst and jealousy of a disapproving partner. Someone offering a reasonable compromise.

 You simply have different values but it seems you would rather see it in a right/wrong light.

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, Jtomzs said:

I have no intention of meeting up with him. 

So OP, this is important. They won’t meet, which in my view is a big difference. However @Jtomzs this does not eliminate the possibility of an emotional affair. You know this contact is creating insecurities with someone you love. The initial comment on his new baby = no big deal. Continuing contact through messaging is a bigger deal. Are you planning to keep that contact going?

[flitzanu]

if these posts are real and not fabricated, and now the OP and the girlfriend in question have both posted commends on the original question, this is absolutely not going to last.  this has become a battle of who is right or wrong and how much one person can ultimately control behavior of the other.

this is likely time to part ways as this isn't an issue that is going to disappear and neither of you agree with the stance of the other.

or, you can go on and this will always be somethign that gets brought up in arguments every single time the girlfriend even looks at another guy.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Jtomzs said:

Im his girlfriend. I’m 33 and we now live together. 

That's a lot for a year of dating. Be careful of men who are excessively jealous, possessive and want to isolate you as well as push too soon for things like living together. Stop disclosing anything to someone who uses information against you.

Use your Miranda rights with someone like this. Remain silent. This guy can't be trusted with the truth without making a big hoopla out of it.

This may be the first yellow flag, but be cautioned about and research controlling men. It starts out with this type of eliminating your friends, one by one because this "hurts" him, that "hurts" him, this "disrespects" him, that "disrespects" him and so on. Keep your eyes wide open and be ready to resist gaslighting.

Edited August 25, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Jtomzs]

40 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

So OP, this is important. They won’t meet, which in my view is a big difference. However @Jtomzs this does not eliminate the possibility of an emotional affair. You know this contact is creating insecurities with someone you love. The initial comment on his new baby = no big deal. Continuing contact through messaging is a bigger deal. Are you planning to keep that contact going?

Just some added context here also. This was I think three months ago and I’ve not spoken to the guy in question since. What was said above, is the start and end of that conversation. I have took a stance to say no, I’m not deleting him off my Facebook. But there hasn’t been a word spoken since. 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Jtomzs said:

I’m not deleting him off my Facebook.

Also be cautioned about someone who uses passive-aggressive tactics (like taking a survey to "prove" most would agree with him) or uses manipulation like guilt trips such as ''it hurts him', 'he would never do anything like that' etc. Keep your friends and family network strong, you'll need a good support system in the future with an insecure man like this.

Edited August 25, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Jtomzs]

1 hour ago, flitzanu said:

if these posts are real and not fabricated, and now the OP and the girlfriend in question have both posted commends on the original question, this is absolutely not going to last.  this has become a battle of who is right or wrong and how much one person can ultimately control behavior of the other.

this is likely time to part ways as this isn't an issue that is going to disappear and neither of you agree with the stance of the other.

or, you can go on and this will always be somethign that gets brought up in arguments every single time the girlfriend even looks at another guy.

For me it’s not point scoring everyone is different have their own emotions and that’s okay. I just wanted to present this certain issue with the full story. As there is always two sides. 

[Mrin]

This is a classic case of the OP confusing "wrong for him" vs "wrong for everyone". I have contact with every woman (save one) I've ever been in a significant relationship with. At my age, that's a pretty big number. Lol. And yes I had sex with all of them. I talk to some of them with some degree of frequency - especially my ex-wife. Others I'm just connected to on social media and hear from them once in a blue moon. I see no reason to trash the friendship portion of a relationship once the romantic part is dead. And it is dead I assure you. 

And... To be perfectly blunt with your particular situation - you're getting all worked up about an 18 year friend of hers. You're just a dude she's been dating for a year. Chances are, she'll still be friends with him long after you're gone (assuming the relationship doesn't go the long haul) since it sounds like you'd cut her off of you broke up.

But... I get it bothers you. And that's just a core level base instinctual thing. I'm not saying you're wrong. I'm just saying it's wrong for you. It may not be wrong for her.

Edited August 25, 2022 by Mrin

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, Jtomzs said:

Just some added context here also. This was I think three months ago and I’ve not spoken to the guy in question since. What was said above, is the start and end of that conversation. I have took a stance to say no, I’m not deleting him off my Facebook. But there hasn’t been a word spoken since. 

Yeah, a big nothingburger in my opinion. You’re social media “friends” and nothing more. Has there been a pattern of insecurity/ jealousy in this relationship OP?

[Jtomzs]

1 minute ago, Weezy1973 said:

Yeah, a big nothingburger in my opinion. You’re social media “friends” and nothing more. Has there been a pattern of insecurity/ jealousy in this relationship OP?

A lot yes.