Wondering about others.

[aequanimis]

Hi everyone. 

I've been in a committed, long-term relationship with my current partner for 5 years. We've been long-distance these past 5 years. Our relationship has overall been very fulfilling, and we've grown a lot together. We've had some issues lately about some of our long-term plans (explained in another forum post), but we're feeling more steady lately. I know that we can have a life-long, happy relationship together, and I know that he loves me and I love him. 

We started dating when I was 18, a freshman in college, and he always had a bit of insecurity about if I would want to leave him to explore other people (he's a bit older). I assured him I would never do so (because I really didn't think I would). Fast-forward to now, I've just graduated from college, I'm a month into my new job in a new town 300 miles away from my partner, and I've started having some... thoughts about other people? This year seems to be the year of uncertainty and new complicated emotions for me. 

I had developed a crush on someone on my senior design team earlier this year, but I heavily repressed those emotions because I figured it happens to everyone from time to time. But now that I'm alone in a new place surrounded by new people, it seems to be stirring up some weird emotions for me. I guess what I'm wanting advice about is if others have been in similar situations where they're curious about other people and if it was worth actually exploring those desires or if it was worth ignoring them. 

I don't think my partner would be open to any open-relationship suggestions, and I don't want that either, so no polygamy suggestions please. I've tried bringing up some of my emotions to my partner, but he gets incredibly upset about any talk about breaking up, so I just end up promising him I'll never bring it up again. It's really hard to have any productive conversation about this, but I'd like to be open about this with him, so if anyone has any advice about that, please feel free. 

[NuevoYorko]

I just read your other thread, to which you refer here.   

You need to take things in their proper order.  In your case, the first business is for you to address the issues you brought up in the other post.   Bottom line:  You've been long distance for 5 years and he has failed to step up to close that distance.   

This needs to happen, or ...?   

Here, you say you're feeling "more steady" but I am not sure what has changed.  Seems like the status quo is long distance with him not taking any type of role in changing that.

From that thread, it appears pretty obvious that you are at a fork in the road and you probably need to move on from this relationship.  Don't talk about breaking up.   If you are clear on the fact (seems like a hard fact to me) that he's shown you 100% that he's not going to be a full partner to you in life, then actually DO BREAK UP.

I'm sure it will be painful but once you've taken care of that,  you will be free to explore dating different people.  

[aequanimis]

24 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

I just read your other thread, to which you refer here.   

You need to take things in their proper order.  In your case, the first business is for you to address the issues you brought up in the other post.   Bottom line:  You've been long distance for 5 years and he has failed to step up to close that distance.   

This needs to happen, or ...?   

Here, you say you're feeling "more steady" but I am not sure what has changed.  Seems like the status quo is long distance with him not taking any type of role in changing that.

From that thread, it appears pretty obvious that you are at a fork in the road and you probably need to move on from this relationship.  Don't talk about breaking up.   If you are clear on the fact (seems like a hard fact to me) that he's shown you 100% that he's not going to be a full partner to you in life, then actually DO BREAK UP.

I'm sure it will be painful but once you've taken care of that,  you will be free to explore dating different people.  

Well, I haven't explained it super in-depth, but I had talked to him about my qualms about us not moving in together and asked for a more definitive move-in date and more action regarding our future. I do believe him when he says he's going to move in by next summer and that he's going to put more effort into establishing a future with me. 

I'm just concerned because at the same time, I'm starting to have some curiosities about other people. I feel like our relationship is in a place to go to the next level when he moves in, but I don't want him to move in and still not have these other feelings resolved because I feel that it would be unfair to him.

But I've mentioned before that I think we have something special and I don't want to throw it away for something trivial like wanting to explore other people. I guess I want some perspective from others that have experience dating other people. 

[BaileyB]

44 minutes ago, aequanimis said:

I do believe him when he says he's going to move in by next summer and that he's going to put more effort into establishing a future with me. 

At the very least, if you get to the point next summer where he is not moving to be with you - that is your time to end it. 

Nobody can tell you what to do. I have friends that married their high school sweetheart, their one and only love, and they are happy as can be. I have other friends who married their high school sweetheart and divorced midlife because they felt like they had missed a huge part of their life. Dating really isn’t all it’s cracked up to be sometimes. Some people search their whole lives to find what you share with this man. I think what you are struggling with is that you are ready to move forward and progress this relationship, and he is not. Add to that the fact that you are lonely and going through a major life transition… 

Edited August 26, 2022 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, aequanimis said:

. We started dating when I was 18, a freshman in college, 

Sorry this is happening. You've been tied down for way too long way too young. And never really been together because of distance.

Free both yourselves from this improbable situation so you can date local viable people.

Not sure where the idea of open relationship came from but why bother with that?

You need to simply be courageous and honest with yourself and let go of the idea of having a security blanket.

[stillafool]

From your other thread it doesn't seem your boyfriend is all in as much as you are and you seem to be doing all the work to keep the relationship together.  I think you'd be well within your right to break up with him and start seeing other men.  Your boyfriend seems more like the younger one because he is irresponsible.  Not much of a prize there.

[BaileyB]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Not sure where the idea of open relationship came from but why bother with that?

I missed this - if it’s the case, do yourself a favour and end the relationship. If you need to “open” the relationship when you are not even married - you should just end the relationship and date others. This relationship will never be able to progress in a normal and healthy relationship if you are both seeing others on the side… 

[Els]

I'm a person who believes in LDRs (my husband and I were in one before), but 5 years apart is a really, really, really long time. Especially at your ages, these are the years in your life with the most personal growth and change, and you have no way of really knowing whether you grew together or apart, until you close the distance and actually spend time with each other IRL on a regular basis.

I'm not generally a fan of hard deadlines, but it sounds like in this case you need one for closing the distance.

[Will am I]

My feeling is also as has been expressed by others. You just started a whole new phase in your life.

That life change emphasizes also how much you have grown as a person. And because you weren’t very closely together with your partner, you may have grown apart.

Listen attentively closely to the feelings in your heart and the signals that your body may give you.

Don’t be rushed forward into marriage or moving in together, until you have connected with your feelings and you are more confident on what exactly you want.

[glows]

On 8/25/2022 at 4:41 PM, aequanimis said:

Hi everyone. 

I've been in a committed, long-term relationship with my current partner for 5 years. We've been long-distance these past 5 years. Our relationship has overall been very fulfilling, and we've grown a lot together. We've had some issues lately about some of our long-term plans (explained in another forum post), but we're feeling more steady lately. I know that we can have a life-long, happy relationship together, and I know that he loves me and I love him. 

We started dating when I was 18, a freshman in college, and he always had a bit of insecurity about if I would want to leave him to explore other people (he's a bit older). I assured him I would never do so (because I really didn't think I would). Fast-forward to now, I've just graduated from college, I'm a month into my new job in a new town 300 miles away from my partner, and I've started having some... thoughts about other people? This year seems to be the year of uncertainty and new complicated emotions for me. 

I had developed a crush on someone on my senior design team earlier this year, but I heavily repressed those emotions because I figured it happens to everyone from time to time. But now that I'm alone in a new place surrounded by new people, it seems to be stirring up some weird emotions for me. I guess what I'm wanting advice about is if others have been in similar situations where they're curious about other people and if it was worth actually exploring those desires or if it was worth ignoring them. 

I don't think my partner would be open to any open-relationship suggestions, and I don't want that either, so no polygamy suggestions please. I've tried bringing up some of my emotions to my partner, but he gets incredibly upset about any talk about breaking up, so I just end up promising him I'll never bring it up again. It's really hard to have any productive conversation about this, but I'd like to be open about this with him, so if anyone has any advice about that, please feel free. 

To be fair, talking with your partner about this isn’t a kind thing to do if you’re both monogamous. Try making a decision about whether you’d rather be single to mingle with others instead of making it a mutual decision. It’s unrealistic to expect your partner to be supportive or enthusiastic about the idea of you dating someone else given this particular situation and both of you being monogamous. 

Having said that if it’s a large age gap and you’re in your early twenties it boggles the mind why an older person would want to hold you back from living your life. It’s been five years long distance. Where do you see your life going?