My boyfriend is obsessed with his 20 year old daughter

[Butterflying]

My boyfriend "Saul" and I used to work together. For two years he promised me we would be together someday. But he was always busy with something regarding his daughter (Amanda) and couldn't manage time for lunch, dinner, ect. with me. For two years he called me every single day, talking for hours to learn everything he could possibly know about me. He's 55. I'm 42. I don't have any children. I've never been married. Neither has he. 

Three months ago I got a promotion that caused me to relocate to a differnt city. That's when Saul got serious about our relationship. He made effort for us to finally have a first date. He visited me a few times at my apartment in the new city. He has met my family becuase I took him on family vacation last month. Just when things were starting to look hopeful for us, Amanda moved in with her two kids. Prior to that, I thought I was dating a man who's only child was grown and living a life of her own. Now after nearly 2 1/2 years, I realize that's not the case. And I think I want out of this relationship. 

 He says this is a temporary situation until Amanda gets on her feet. But they have no plans for her to do that. She didn't go to college. She works part-time at an Amazon warehouse. She hates the job and skips work a lot. Saul is taking care of Amanda, her 3 year old son, and a 2 month old infant. He pays all her bills. She gets a new phone every few months because she keeps breaking them. She has lost the house key three times and caused him to leave work in an emergency because she was locked out. To say Amanda is irresponsible is an understatment. I've never met her or the children. But it appears she was spoiled as a child. She doesn't cook, do laundry, or anything for herself and the children. The father is fighting her in court for full custody. He has a great job and is financially secure enough. But Amanda is bitter because he is with another woman. She wants him to pay child support. The judge shot down her request twice. Saul is now saddled with attorney fees, court costs, and anything else Amanda wants. 

I say he's obsessed because he has surveilence cameras all over the communial areas of the house. He gets alerts on his phone anytime she and the kids move from one room to the next, when they go outside, ect. He panics if the WiFi goes out and he loses access to any of the cameras. He will leave work or cancel whatever he's doing in order to go home and check on her. While on vacation with me last month he left a day early because she couldn't change the battery in one of the kids toys. She was crying about it. The kid was also crying about it. Saul went home to change the battery because he saw all of this happening on the camera. 

Talking on the phone is all Saul and I have in this long distant relationship. I don't need to speak every day. But I feel our conversations should at least be substantial with plans for us to get together (he come some me/ I go see him). He doesn't have time or money for any of that now because Amanda's drama and kids are extremly time consuming. He's always exhausted. It makes me feel like I'm taking whatever time he could be resting when we speak on the phone. So I never call him. And his calls have decreased. The excuse is always something regarding Amanda and the kids. 

During the family vacation last month when I had his undivided attention in person, I expressed these concerns with him. I asked for us to just be friends instead of declaring a monogamous relationship. He's simply not capable of being the type of man I deserve right now. Before I met him I traveled, I dated, I still have access to several male companions that I enjoy spending time with. Being in this relationship with Saul means I can no longer date those companions. So I can't travel unless I want to go everywhere alone. Saul doesn't want to break up. He says I'm being impatient and looking at the whole situation wrong. What am I missing?  

 

Edited August 26, 2022 by Butterflying

[basil67]

The bit you're missing is that you don't need Saul's approval to break up.   If you're not happy with the relationship and it's not going where you want, you have every right to end it.

However, I suggest that you do not remain 'friends'.   As he doesn't want to end it, t's unfair to him and will also just drag it all on for you.  And besides, what future guy will want your ex who stil has feelings hanging around.

[stillafool]

I agree with Basil.  You don't need his permission to break up.  He certainly isn't going to put his daughter and grand kids out on the street because they are his blood.  I can certainly understand how this is not working for you and I think you would be wise to not waste your time and break up with him.   Go travel and do the other things you like to do.   

What are you missing?  A whole lot of aggravation if you leave.

Edited August 26, 2022 by stillafool

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, Butterflying said:

I asked for us to just be friends instead of declaring a monogamous relationship.

Don't ask. Tell. 

Tell him you can't be in a relationship with him, and end it. You don't need his endorsement to do so. You are correct that he is not capable of being a partner to anyone at this time in his life. 

5 hours ago, Butterflying said:

He says I'm being impatient and looking at the whole situation wrong

So? His opinion on that is irrelevant when it comes to how you feel. This isn't working for you. So, tell him plainly that it's over and move on your own way. 

[Mrin]

5 hours ago, basil67 said:

The bit you're missing is that you don't need Saul's approval to break up.   If you're not happy with the relationship and it's not going where you want, you have every right to end it.

However, I suggest that you do not remain 'friends'.   As he doesn't want to end it, t's unfair to him and will also just drag it all on for you.  And besides, what future guy will want your ex who stil has feelings hanging around.

This x100. Especially the first sentence. This relationship isn't working for you and won't work for you. You know that. Just end it. 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Butterflying said:

,Before I met him I traveled, I dated, I still have access to several male companions that I enjoy spending time with. Being in this relationship with Saul means I can no longer date those companions. 

Sorry this is happening. Turn back the clock to before "Saul". You're not happy. It's not working out. It's not the daughter, it's him. 

[BaileyB]

16 hours ago, Butterflying said:

I say he's obsessed because he has surveilence cameras all over the communial areas of the house. He gets alerts on his phone anytime she and the kids move from one room to the next, when they go outside, ect. He panics if the WiFi goes out and he loses access to any of the cameras. He will leave work or cancel whatever he's doing in order to go home and check on her.

You are eager to live with this man? Are you prepared to live under his surveillance in this way? Because, I would not.

Edited August 26, 2022 by BaileyB