How to get this started

[ButterflyK]

I have a relationship that has not gotten off the ground to even a date. I met this man a year ago. I was in and out of a relationship at the time. I didn't give this man my number right off. He and I did business together and he found me on social media afterward. We eventually exchanged numbers from there. 

Because I've been in and out of a serious relationship, I haven't really taken this guy seriously.  The relationship I've been in and out of is long distance.  I got a job in my significant other's city and travel frequently for work there. I live with him while I am in his city. And although we are 2,000 miles apart,  it has been very, very serious.  However, the significant other and I fight often and he often breaks up with me, which is why I didn't tell the guy I met that I was in a relationship.  After I met the god -I mean guy, he knew that I was working out of town and tried to set up a date with me for when I returned. I didn't follow through with it, but for a superficial reason: at the time, I was living in an older townhome, and it frequently flooded and I found mold inside when I got home from a work trip. It smelled awful and the old smell was in my clothes. I didn't want to go around him until I got that situated (because I didn't want him to have a bad impression because of the smell. I keep a clean house and I am a hygienic person,  but I had to air out the home, rehash everything multiple times, etc.)

Fast forward, and me and the long distance guy have been broken up for a while but still kind of playing house sometimes, on terrible terms and not speaking others. I'm starting to finally understand my worth in that relationship, and I've gotten to a point where I am not stuck on him any longer. I'm okay with or without him.

Anyway, its been almost a year since I met the god-I mean the other guy. He has kept in touch. It's been inconsistent, but he hasn't lost touch. However, sometimes I'll shoot him a text and he'll never respond. Recently he texted out of the blue wanting to set up a date for the coming week. I decided to actually allow it to happen and made myself available. We'd set some tentative dates, and I said I'd get back to him with which one worked after I sorted out childcare. I messaged him...no reply. So, when he messaged a few days later, I didn't reply either. Have considered just blocking him because I haven't understood why or how he comes and goes every few months. He's a good bit younger than me - 14 years. I asked yesterday why he comes and goes, and if everything was okay. He said he's busy studying and has life going on (he's told me of his business ventures before). I told him I understood, that I hope all went well, and that maybe when he's got free time or needs a break, he should join me on one of my work trips.  No response.

What gives? He's kept in touch with me for close to a year now, but the contact/communication is minimal. We've only talked on the phone once, and that's when I accidentally called him at midnight, and he called right back...and it happened to be his birthday. He owes me nothing, as I understand that I haven't been exactly forthright or available myself. I'm open to him now though, and have already released that other relationship which did not serve me. But what gives? Why can't this get off the ground? He says he's got a lot going on (I travel frequently for work myself), but why can't we even get to a date? A conversation? What gives? And why does he keep coming back?

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, ButterflyK said:

the significant other and I fight often and he often breaks up with me,

After I met the god -I mean guy, :  the long distance guy have been broken up for a while but still kind of playing house sometimes, , its been almost a year since I met the god-I mean the other guy. 

Which man would you prefer to be with?  You keep calling  this guy "god"  why? Do you put him on a pedestal or think he's conceited?

Have you figured out your housing and long distance situation? 

[basil67]

5 hours ago, ButterflyK said:

I have a relationship that has not gotten off the ground to even a date.

This is an oxymoron ^    To call it a relationship is making far more of it than it is.

All in all, there's nothing to see here.  You're both lacklustre in your contact and have been known to play silly games of not responding to the other.   While this keeps up, nothing will happen.

Edited August 26, 2022 by basil67

[stillafool]

It sounds like he was interested at first but now not so much.  He's probably involved with someone where he lives by now.  The age difference may now be a problem for him too at this point.  He as interested at first but that seems to be fading.  You said your other relationship was very serious.  What does that mean?  Did he propose marriage to you?

[Weezy1973]

You’re building this up in your head to be something more than it is. You haven’t even been on a date. He might have lukewarm interest, or maybe he just messaged you because he’s bored. Who know? You shouldn’t even care. Move on. I’d you want to be dating, start meeting other men. Getting hung up on him is a mistake. 

[Versacehottie]

idk, it seems sort of hypocritical to be in and out of his life and then when you finally decide you want to pursue things with him that you are quick to have almost no leeway with him after your own back and forth for all the time previous to this. 

Just comparing it to what you said about your other LDR, do you think it's possible that you actually thrive off the highs and lows of either being or tangling with someone that is hot & cold? And/or maybe being unrealistic at this point. Like the others said, you haven't had a date yet at all. All you've done is string mr wonderful along a bit and now are sort of knee jerk reaction because you are ready to go & he's not replying fast enough--after seemingly having done the same thing to him for a year. 

I'm thinking you probably could get this off the ground BUT you are going to need to be more realistic and not do things yourself that you don't want done to you.  You haven't treated him like a priority until just now so I wouldn't expect him to treat you like a priority. Also lots of things can change in a year...and you never really dated him so you might not know what he's really like or what is really going on in his life.

Edited August 26, 2022 by Versacehottie

[introverted1]

You're 14 years older and you have kids.  Unless this god is unusual (or a single parent himself), it would be unlikely he'd want something serious with you.  Will you be ok with a FWB type situation? It doesn't really seem that either of you is eager to do more than keep the other on the back burner.

[chillii]

13 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

idk, it seems sort of hypocritical to be in and out of his life and then when you finally decide you want to pursue things with him that you are quick to have almost no leeway with him after your own back and forth for all the time previous to this. 

Just comparing it to what you said about your other LDR, do you think it's possible that you actually thrive off the highs and lows of either being or tangling with someone that is hot & cold? And/or maybe being unrealistic at this point. Like the others said, you haven't had a date yet at all. All you've done is string mr wonderful along a bit and now are sort of knee jerk reaction because you are ready to go & he's not replying fast enough--after seemingly having done the same thing to him for a year. 

I'm thinking you probably could get this off the ground BUT you are going to need to be more realistic and not do things yourself that you don't want done to you.  You haven't treated him like a priority until just now so I wouldn't expect him to treat you like a priority. Also lots of things can change in a year...and you never really dated him so you might not know what he's really like or what is really going on in his life.

 

Yep , all of the above. You've been in and out of your so called very very serious thing this whole time anyway, and chasing him about to, it all sounds like a joke. And now that your out of that 5mins finally, yet still staying with him and my guess is that'd be in his bed as well your complaining about the other one not being there ready and waiting after all that and this time, the mind boggles. And did you even explain your house problem to him that time or just more silly games.

My guess is he's probably been finding plenty of other women to keep him amused and why wouldn't he with all the fun and games , so your just hearing from him when when no one else is around at the time.

 

 

Edited August 27, 2022 by chillii

[ExpatInItaly]

You don't have a relationship of any kind with him, OP. 

It sounds as though he has mostly lost interest and is probably seeing others by now. You are likely the one he messages when he doesn't have anything else going on, but there doesn't seem to be a serious interest in you anymore. 

You're seeing now why expecting someone to hang around while you sort out a messy love life was short-sighted. People eventually get tired of that and move along, and it seems he's done so. 

[glows]

Bear in mind, he must have sensed that you weren’t completely open and honest about your relationship status being involved with someone else and seeing him, and he had some sense that there were things about you that weren’t out in the open. Although you didn’t tell this man you were in a relationship I hope you know most people get the sense or can tell after some time. 

In the time you were cleaning things up on your end and deciding what to do, breaking up with your ex, he already decided that you weren’t relationship material. It’s likely he didn’t ever take you seriously but he did like the romance part of it just as you did in the beginning. 

Think of it this way: you’re a free and unfettered woman now without the strings of any relationship. You have kids so tend to your kids and enjoy your life in many other ways. Stop thinking you need a partner to do things with. Give yourself a break and find your feet again. You’ve just ended one rl so take breather. Don’t pine after lost causes. Be who you’ve always wanted to be and experience that freedom. Once you’re stronger and you learn to screen a bit better for a potential mate you’ll be ready to find someone new again. 

[smackie9]

Just got out of an off and on relationship only to start pursuing a guy that comes and goes. Cut out this pattern of off and on guys and stick with someone that is willing to be consistent to your expectations. TBH you shouldn't be giving this guy the time of day, not even a thought. Ditch this guy, and go forward.