Why did my narc ex use the old age defense mechanism to make me stay?

[samsungxoxo]

Ever since leaving a toxic long-distance relationship (I'm now currently in a healthy relationship for 8 months) last October, I'm shocked at how twisted narcissists are. I've read more about it and it's really a serious mental disorder. One of the lines my narcissist ex used against me was this:

''You finding someone else? You're already 34 but lets give it a year.''

That was obviously an attempt at trying to get me to still settle and stay with toxicity. This backfired on him and I found better weeks after ditching him at that same age. I'm 35 now and my bf and I are currently trying to progress on our goals. Seriously why do some men (esp narcissists) use the ''but you're too old'' line on women???

We already know we have a limited time to find a man that commits and form a family. Why do they have to use that line on us??? And what's wrong with being in your 30's and still wanting love, still wanting a man that will propose?

Edited August 26, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[NuevoYorko]

How long had this guy been diagnosed as a narcissist before you and he got together?

[samsungxoxo]

20 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

How long had this guy been diagnosed as a narcissist before you and he got together?

I realized this after I had to seek a psychologist (he caused so much hurt and damage) and she diagnosed him as a manipulative, sociopathic-narcissist. When I was in Miami, FL I was with him for 10 months (2006-2007). Then I moved to my country and he kept promising marriage for so long, that he would bring me back to FL, etc.

Then I initially broke up the LDR in 2010 beause it was going nowhere, he never brought me any gifts at all (not even a Christmas card) nor brought me anything he promised. I had blocked him because he sounded like a liar, words and that it was a dead-end.

Then he would call my our landline, trying to reconnect again and he sounded like he wanted a chance, to at least welcome him as a friend. He said that right words that I welcome him back as a friend, as my long-distance friend. Then by 2015, he started insisting on giving me a chance, that he can prove me wrong, that this time he'll give me marriage and kids. By 2016 (I was 29), I was at a point that I really wanted kids. I started having baby fever so I gave him a chance, welcome him back as a long-distance bf and stupidly believed him, really though he had changed.

Nope, he had gotten worse than ever. He used to tell me that he was either almost perfect or that he was perfect. That was his own words: ''I'm almost perfect, you'll never find anyone as great as me''. Then he would blow up over trivial things. This are the things he would blow up over:

- I didn't pour 1 whole lemon into my tea. I only put 1/2 lemon and he made a big deal that nearly didn't want to speak with me for a whole day.

- I didn't put likes on all his FB notices and posts. I was suppose to put likes or hearts because that's supposedly how much I care about him. Some days he talks too much about himself and elaborates too much on his skills and accomplishments.

- I didn't made a creative, elegant meal (I was tired from work and I wouldn't think creative all the time). That meant for him that I'm not cherishing our love. Since when is loving someone measured by how creative are your cooking skills?

- He practically forces me to remember specific details that sometimes it's hard to remember. If I don't get it right, he blows up, goes into a tantrum of wanting to break up and goes on and on with the argument, making it a horrible day.

- I was busy once and didn't return his call for a couple minutes and he was already texting me ''I'm super mad, don't text nor call me''. He didn't want to talk to me for days.

- He sweet and romantic only when I improved on my cooking skills and satisfy his needs. Then he suddenly loved me. But when he noticed my flaws, it was another horrible argument and threatening to break up tantrum. It's like I was good enough anymore.

[samsungxoxo]

In the end, he was a con artist that owes me over $1,200 (that false promise on working on getting me back to Miami, Fl so we can get married). He never paid my money back. All his promises, the whole friendship and relationship, everything was a lie. He faked a future. He never had intention of ever marrying me. 

[Weezy1973]

You seem to be asking a couple different questions. But when it comes to narcissists they only want one thing - narcissistic supply. You breaking up with him was for him like taking away the liquor bottle to an alcoholic and he would do anything to get back that supply. It wasn’t specifically about your age, however he used that because he knew it would have an impact on you. And as your thread indicates, it did. If you haven’t already, just block, him and delete him from your life completely if you haven’t already. 
 

People find love and relationships at all ages. 

[stillafool]

Who cares why an old ex did what he did or said what he said?  It's obvious he was angry, bitter and stupid.  We all say hurtful things when in the throes of arguments.  The fact is he was wrong.  You landed on your feet with a great guy and are making plans for your future.  I've found it sets us back to look back when the future is shining before you.  Wish him well and keep moving on with your new love.  Good riddance to bad rubbish.

[samsungxoxo]

Doing that math:

I was with him from 2006 to May 2007 in Miami, FL

Then from May 2007 to 2011 and then 2013-2015 I was his long-distance friend

Then from 2016-2021 I was his long-distance gf.

A total waste of time and a horrible experience. Yes I found someone better but I wish I had never met him. 

[samsungxoxo]

5 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

If you haven’t already, just block, him and delete him from your life completely if you haven’t already. 
 

People find love and relationships at all ages. 

Thank you and yes I did blocked him completely from all my pages. However, he has made two attempts to still contact me. On my 35th b-day (April 7), I received a ''Happy b-day'' message from him on my whatsapp. I didn't reply and blocked him again.

Then he tried putting likes and sending a friend request to one of my friends. She blocked him too.

Then I received a notice on my youtube page. Someone has subscribed to my channel and his name and face was there. I got rid of him again. Wow they don't stop.

[stillafool]

17 minutes ago, samsungxoxo said:

Thank you and yes I did blocked him completely from all my pages. However, he has made two attempts to still contact me. On my 35th b-day (April 7), I received a ''Happy b-day'' message from him on my whatsapp. I didn't reply and blocked him again.

Then he tried putting likes and sending a friend request to one of my friends. She blocked him too.

Then I received a notice on my youtube page. Someone has subscribed to my channel and his name and face was there. I got rid of him again. Wow they don't stop.

Did you discusss this with your new bf?  What was his advice on this?  Maybe he can get him to move on and leave you alone.

Edited August 26, 2022 by stillafool

[samsungxoxo]

54 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Did you discusss this with your new bf?  What was his advice on this?  Maybe he can get him to move on and leave you alone.

I haven't really discussed anything to do with my past relationship to my bf. I simply blocked him again and hopefully he doesn't try contacting me in anyway. If it gets to the point that he persists more than I'll inform my bf about it.

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, samsungxoxo said:

I haven't really discussed anything to do with my past relationship to my bf.

That's odd considering you were with your ex a total of 12 years.  Maybe it would be good to open up to him about your ex.  He's obviously still on your mind or this thread wouldn't exist.

 

[PotatoHead]

They will do or say anything they can to feel some sense of control over you, make you feel worthless or powerless, not good enough for anyone else to take you, just to get an emotional response out of you.  It's not just the male narcs, females do it too.  All you can do is ignore them until they move on and find a new supply.  Took over a year with my ex wife but now we are finally able to coparent somewhat peacefully.  If she ever acts up I don't respond, and delete the messages so I am not tempted to retaliate.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, samsungxoxo said:

Seriously why do some men (esp narcissists) use the ''but you're too old'' line on women???

Try to forget this ex. All these things are put-downs to wear someone down. It doesn't matter what his diagnosis is. It could just be "jerk".

[introverted1]

5 hours ago, samsungxoxo said:

I realized this after I had to seek a psychologist (he caused so much hurt and damage) and she diagnosed him as a manipulative, sociopathic-narcissist.

No reputable psychologist can diagnose someone they haven't treated.

In any case, your therapy should be focused on building your own self-esteem, learning to set boundaries so that you choose more wisely in future, and getting over past hurts.

Good luck.

[basil67]

I am also troubled by your psychologist diagnosing your ex based on your description.  Our descriptions of others are always biased depending on how much we love, loathe or are indifferent to them, and as such, are not a reliable source.  

Kindly, there's no sense in breaking down the behaviour of an ex.    The questions of "why did I stay?" and "what have I learned from this?" are far more helpful than "why did they do this?".  Mostly because we will never know the reasons why people do what they do.  

[BrinnM]

6 hours ago, samsungxoxo said:

Why do they have to use that line on us??? And what's wrong with being in your 30's and still wanting love, still wanting a man that will propose?

Nothing is wrong with that, if that’s what you want.

And about the age thing: He’s using that line on you because he wants to hurt your feelings, he wants to make you feel bad, probably because he’s feeling bad about himself for whatever reason. He’s probably also a little bit insulted that you are done with him, and so he wants to insult you back. Childish, IMO, but narcissistic? I doubt it. That narc thing is a wild generalization. I don’t think the shoe fits. 
 

So yeah, you’re upset now because he upset you, but that doesn’t mean that true narcissists always use one and the same line on “us”. Who is us anyways? He used that line on you because he knew it would sting, because he knew the biological clock and the babyfever are sore subjects. If he’s truly a narc, which we don’t know, he will use a completely different line on somebody else, if he knows that it’ll hit a nerve. To find closure, can you try to get your money back? I mean, if he still contacts you, you could just ask. (Why did you give him money, BTW?)

[Lotsgoingon]

I'm sorry, your question is off the mark, basically useless.

Why do carjackers carjack folks? Why do criminals rob people? Why do killers murder people? That's the kind of question you're asking.

The better question is how can we get good at noticing narcissistic and cruel tendences early on and quickly get out of the relationship or better yet, how can we can good at noticing these people and avoiding dating them in the first place. The world is full of cruel people and people who will use us if we let them. 

Our job is to not let them. 

 

[NuevoYorko]

31 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

 

 

The better question is how can we get good at noticing narcissistic and cruel tendences early on and quickly get out of the relationship or better yet, how can we can good at noticing these people and avoiding dating them in the first place. The world is full of cruel people and people who will use us if we let them. 

 

 

Agree.  And our tendency to diagnose people with personality disorders, psychiatric illnesses etc. is not helpful at all.   We need to take care of ourselves.  This includes moving quickly away from people who are clearly bad for us.  It doesn't matter if they are a "narcissist" or simply another jerk.  Just don't engage once a person reveals that they are bad for you.

[Lotsgoingon]

Yes, the description doesn't need to be X is narcissistic, which can distract us into wasting time "understanding" why someone is treating us bad.

Much better to say, dang, this person is a jerk, dang I don't feel respected at all. I'm outa here.