Is this considered cheating?

[Landshark32]

 

Thank you for reading my comment, any advice will be helpful. 

My wife and I have been married for 13 years. The love I share for my wife is indescribable and I would do absolutely anything for her. 

However, I recently became aware of what is to me some inappropriate texts between my wife and female colleagues of hers. They are also friends outside of work as well. These texts are about other male colleagues that they work with. My wife and her friends will talk about the penis size of other males and in particular my wife, in the text describes the outline and size of a specific male colleague. Almost like she is proud to look at it and see it. 

In the same text conversation my wife will ask her friend if she would have sex with certain male colleagues and proceeds to tell her friend about a male colleague that she wouldn’t because “he’s too skinny”. When I confronted her about these texts she is adamant that it means nothing and that it’s just “girl talk” and that she would never cheat on me. 

Now I understand this doesn’t sound like much, however this is not the first time my wife has had these types of exchanges with her friends about other male colleagues and boyfriends of her friends. 

I am trying to forget/forgive and I want to believe she will not cheat but it’s just when you add up all the pieces together with the last few months of constant berating and death wishes and being told to get out and that our kids hate/dislike me, then the continual lying about how she doesn’t look at guys or think about guys in that sort of way and you add that up with her never wanting to have any kind of sex with ME, and the fact that this is absolutely NOT the first time she has “girl talked” about other guys like this (I just let it go and never said anything).

 So, if I wouldn’t have called her out this time she absolutely without a doubt would have/still continually had/have “girl talks” about other guys dicks and having sex with other guys. 

Now my question is, does this fall under “Text cheating”, “Micro cheating” “Emotional cheating” or none at all? 

Thank you for your help as my mind is almost fried and my heart is hurting from sleepless nights and constantly thinking about these text exchanges.

 

[Wiseman2]

25 minutes ago, Landshark32 said:

My wife and I have been married for 13 years. The love I share for my wife is indescribable and I would do absolutely anything for her. 

However, I recently became aware of what is to me some inappropriate texts between my wife and female colleagues of hers. When I confronted her about these texts she is adamant that it means nothing and that it’s just “girl talk” and that she would never cheat on me. 

the last few months of constant berating and death wishes and being told to get out and that our kids hate/dislike me,. and you add that up with her never wanting to have any kind of sex with ME

Sorry this is happening. Why are you reading her private conversations? Was there distrust to begin with?

Rather than focus on these conversations, focus on the excess turbulence and conflict in your marriage and the disconnect emotionally and physically.

Why is there this much discord? It doesn't sound like there is "indescribable" love there at all if she is shutting you out and asking you to leave and that she hates you. 

Where is all this coming from? Are either of you abusive or controlling? Do either of you have drug, drinking or mental health problems?

[basil67]

I'm having trouble believing your wife's description of the "outline".  Even if the fashions of the 70's and early 80's were to return, they aren't going to happen in a workplace, so I'm dubious about the whole thing.

Anyway, your wife's words are not cheating.  Rather, it is inappropriate 'locker room talk'.   And given that you describe her as wishing you dead and wanting you gone, it's safe to say that she really doesn't care what you think about her locker room talk.   It's pointless to be having these conversations with her when she no longer cares about you or the marriage.  

[Landshark32]

So I came across these messages as I was updating her phone and her friend texted while I was in possession of her phone. The text contained some of the info I am speaking of.

And I should have elaborated more on the berating, death wish, hating part. This would occur when we would have arguments about certain things. It seems as though it increased in recent months but I feel it is to hurt my feelings more than anything.

I also do love my wife as I said in the post!

There is absolutely zero drug, alcohol, physical abuse. However, during arguments there may be verbal abuse at times. And no we do not argue all the time. The arguments are few and far between. There is absolutely no mental health problems. 

Let’s not astray from the question that I posed please. I am wondering if the text convos fall into any cheating categories or is just “girl talk”

[basil67]

Ok, toxic arguments aside, as I said in my previous post, it is not cheating.  Rather, it's inappropriate locker room talk.   And I still doubt that she can see "outlines" anyway.  Last time I saw an "outline" it was about 1979.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Landshark32 said:

the last few months of constant berating and death wishes and being told to get out and that our kids hate/dislike me

Does it actually matter if her texts would be considered cheating - this kind of behavior is not acceptable in a relationship. I think you are focused on the trees when the forrest is one fire. 

I will say this, I have never once described the dimensions of my coworkers penis to my other coworkers/girlfriends. I would not call the texts cheating but you have to wonder how she got that information. 

Edited August 26, 2022 by BaileyB

[NuevoYorko]

It sounds like your marriage is in serious trouble and as if your wife is over it.  I'm sorry, but I think you need to plan an exit strategy.  Texting about penises is the least of it, it's the hateful way she deals with you.

[BaileyB]

8 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

I think you need to plan an exit strategy. 

I agree. 

[Alpacalia]

Wish her farewell and don't let the door hit her on her way out.

[mark clemson]

I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest that the "real" problem in your marriage appears to be a VERY significant emotional disconnect. What are those four horsemen again? Contempt, stonewalling, something something?? Anyway, it sounds like you've probably got most of them.

Echoing @BaileyB (and I think the spirit of most others above) I think you are probably focusing on the wrong thing - consider that there may be a chicken-egg problem WRT to her fantasizing about other men, perhaps contemplating cheating, or seeing the other grass as greener, etc.

You say you love her very much - well, perhaps she feels the same way only at the most abstract of levels and so continues the marriage while clearly NOT happy in day-to-day. And day-to-day is what results in your overall experience. I think you need to find ways to reconnect with her and get her reconnected with you. Stat. I suspect you could benefit from couples counseling as it will probably help to have a 3rd party to assess whatever's going on as well as to "referee" what may end up being difficult conversations.

You wouldn't be the first guy to "love his wife dearly" all the way up to when she walked out the door and if that happens (and don't kid yourself - it sure sounds like it MIGHT) you won't be the last.

Edited August 27, 2022 by mark clemson

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Landshark32 said:

So I came across these messages as I was updating her phone and her friend texted while I was in possession of her phone. The text contained some of the info I am speaking of.

And I should have elaborated more on the berating, death wish, hating part. This would occur when we would have arguments about certain things. It seems as though it increased in recent months but I feel it is to hurt my feelings more than anything.

I also do love my wife as I said in the post!

There is absolutely zero drug, alcohol, physical abuse. However, during arguments there may be verbal abuse at times. And no we do not argue all the time. The arguments are few and far between. There is absolutely no mental health problems. 

Let’s not astray from the question that I posed please. I am wondering if the text convos fall into any cheating categories or is just “girl talk”

What is it you hope to see happening? Reestablishing trust and intimacy?

That won't happen by perseverating on messages you snooped through. 

What's bothering you is that she won't sleep with you and that's related to all the conflict, not silly messages and locker room chats with female friends.

Why not try marriage therapy to address the real issues?

Since you are married and have children, it's not as simple as just leave, get out.

Decide what you want. Preserving the marriage through trying marriage therapy or taking this insignificant finding out of context and ignoring huge unaddressed issues.

[Amy4love]

9 hours ago, Landshark32 said:

constant berating and death wishes and being told to get out and that our kids hate/dislike me, then the continual lying about how she doesn’t look at guys or think about guys in that sort of way and you add that up with her never wanting to have any kind of sex with ME,

words or rather statements like those are not to be expected on a good relationship, your wife may not be cheating on you now, but she may definitely when the time comes.

 

 

[Annachi]

Your marriage is seriously in trouble, she may be hiding something from you... I advice you both sit down and talk and seek the help of a marriage counsellor 

[ExpatInItaly]

Unless these guys are wearing leggings or very tight gym shorts to work, she is not going ot be able to see the "outline" of their genitalia. 

This is her fantasy speaking, her getting off on imagining what they look like - and it's inappropriate. Do I consider it cheating? No. Does that make it okay in my books? Also no. 

But OP, you know that this is merely another symptom of the bigger problem which is that your marriage is quickly burning to the ground around you. These inappropriate texts are just more evidence that your wife has checked out and doesn't really want this anymore. 

[Will am I]

6 hours ago, Amy4love said:

words or rather statements like those are not to be expected on a good relationship, your wife may not be cheating on you now, but she may definitely when the time comes.

 

 

Indeed.

Words like these are a way bigger problem than a couple of women sharing a somewhat inappropriate habit or how they talk about men.

Bringing the pieces together. It’s clear that OP’s wife does not have her heart in the marriage anymore. 

She seems to be on her way out of the marriage. Be prepared.

 

[Lotsgoingon]

You've received great wisdom so far. 

Turns out apparently that this latest incident--the question you posed--is merely the tip of the iceberg. In fact, sounds like it's the tip of a tip of an iceberg. 

You finally found something that got you upset, and you posted. Good job to post here. But unfortunately the issues in your marriage are staggering. BTW: you really need to lose the importance of this: The love I share for my wife is indescribable and I would do absolutely anything for her. 

You've described her quite well and the portrait ain't pretty. Your statement over your love needs to catch up with the reality of the nastiness of your relationship. And no, in fact, you don't want to do absolutely anything for a partner. 

In this case, it's time for you to turn that love back on yourself. How about you take some steps for yourself. I know this is possibly painful to hear, but the whole "I would do anything for her" strikes me as denial. Like a all-day drunk saying "I don't like alcohol." 

Once we marry someone and we do love them, love doesn't mean they're treating us well or we're treating them well. Drop this "love" nonsense. 

[glows]

I’d look at the relationship as a whole and try not to fixate on the texts. You’re already hurt and low from arguments and disagreements. Why do you choose to stay with someone who doesn’t respect you and vice versa? 

[JakeT]

When you are with the guys  You don’t say thing like that .  That woman has a big good looking ass. What I could do with her?  
Putting it in writing is one problem.   Men think like that , woman think like that.