No sex after his affair

[Sheila86]

Hi everyone I need some advice or help I’m slowly going into depression due to my partners affair a few months ago.  So we were having a long distance relationship for 4 years which he flew over to my country a few times before covid hit.  I was also in my country looking after my mum after my dad passed away which is why I couldn’t move to be with him.  It wasn’t easy as I was torn between wanting to be with him but also caring about my mums welfare. 

Then covid hit which borders closed for almost two years and was so hard to get to him, then last year November 2021 his best friend committed suicide.  He met a girl there during the time at the funeral they exchanged numbers and spoke through fb and texts as she lives in another town.  The affair wasn’t long, a few weeks.  He only told me about it around January.  At the time was only a emotional affair but they met up again after New Years and they slept together.

This lady knew about me also but didn’t care.  [ ]  I was shocked and really hurt but there was no way I was letting her have him, so I flew to be with him.  Made sure my mum was ok and in a proper place she could afford and she was comfortable. 

 I knew then I could move on so I moved here.  Unknown to me that he had sex with this girl - which he told me before I left that they didn’t - it wasn’t easy being here as it didn’t feel right his energy not mine.   I tried to do my best to make it work as I felt I owed it to him as I never came here for a holiday.  The times we were together he always came to me which I do regret.

One night we had an argument and he left in his car, texting me that admitting he was still talking to her while he was at work by phone and that he would pay for me to go back to my country.   It was so out of the blue!  So I packed my things and went to his sisters. I was so lost and hurt then he turned up to come and get me to bring me home.  I was so confused.  [ ]  He said With tears he was ending it with her which he did completely. 

My partner has been through a lot in his life losing two of his only brothers to suicide and then his best friend. He said he needed me when his best mate done the same thing.  I wasn’t around and he just reached out to this girl because he was lonely.  I totally understood and felt bad I wasn’t there for him.  He said what he did wasn’t him, but he fell for her.  But at the same time he wasn’t sure if it was love or just because he was sad at the time. He was remorseful and apologised to me which I forgave him and we both tried to move on.

Anyway a few days after he called it quits with her blocking her off everything, she messaged me and told me everything they had sex and the nasty things he said about me to her which wasn’t true.  I guess it was out of anger because I wasn’t there to support him it hurt me so much.  I felt so betrayed I confronted him calmly and he was so shocked thinking this girl would stay loyal to him as he ended it on good terms with her - but she was obviously hurt and that’s why she reached out to me hoping I would have left him, or caused some friction between.  If anything it only made us stronger

It’s been 7 months since his short affair and he has had no contact with her since he’s trying so hard and been so good to me but unfortunately we havnt had sex since I have been here.  It’s been nearly 3 years for me.  It’s the only thing in our relationship that I silently suffer with I feel so unattractive he’s very affectionate with me and tells me he loves me everyday but not sexually.   I have couple times tried but I could see he was uncomfortable so I stopped trying. 

I know he loves me dearly but the no sex is making me so depressed I compare myself to this other girl when I look at her fb and compare myself thinking I’m not desirable to him I suffer with this daily quietly.  I have bought it up couple times which I don’t get any response or he gets mad and says what’s wrong is it sex? In like a annoyed tone that I’ve completely shut off and get moody alot because I feel I can’t speak about it to him because of the way he reacts

I’ve been a good partner understanding and trying not to put pressure on him as I’m trying to let him get through what happened but it’s killing me inside that I don’t know what to do anymore I love him so much but starting to doubt if I’m even worth it ☹️☹️

Edited August 27, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs, punctuation

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Sheila86 said:

 he left in his car texting me that admitting he was still talking to her while he was at work by phone and that he would pay for me to go back to my country

Sorry this happened. Are you back home in your country now? There is no point staying there. You're not married, so you can just leave this man and this mistake in the past and move forward in peace. You'll be free to find a man who is local and loves and cares about you including sex/affection.

[BaileyB]

[ ] 

Honestly, relationships shouldn’t be this hard. If this relationship is not meeting your needs, and clearly it isn’t, it’s time to let it go. 

Edited August 27, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
issue addressed

[Sheila86]

9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Are you back home in your country now? There is no point staying there. You're not married, so you can just leave this man and this mistake in the past and move forward in peace. You'll be free to find a man who is local and loves and cares about you including sex/affection.

No I’m currently still here with him. [ ] Thankyou for your response I’m finding it hard to leave as he’s been trying so hard to fix our relationship he’s very remorseful and it shows he even admitted it to my mother privately about what he did when we both went back to my home country to visit he said he was ashamed and wasn’t thinking straight at the time  and realises his mistake I just feel torn maybe it’s me and wanting to be intimate to soon. 

Edited August 27, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
issue addressed

[Sheila86]

9 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Honestly, relationships shouldn’t be this hard. If this relationship is not meeting your needs, and clearly it isn’t, it’s time to let it go. 

I apologise I know what you are saying I just hope I find the courage oneday to make a final decision stay and be patient for intimacy and understand he is still getting past his guilt and it will take time or leave and Move on it’s just really hard because he is trying so hard and loves me deeply I know sex isn’t everything and maybe I’m using that to feel attractive or desirable like before his affair? We are very affectionate always holding hands cuddling stroking touching just never gets sexual I’m still very attracted to him but don’t know if he is with me. 

Edited August 27, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
issue addressed

[glows]

Four years is awhile to be with someone cross-border dating. I understand your plans were foiled by caring for your mum and Covid. Now is a very good time to look at the situation no matter how painful it is and reconsider whether this rl is going anywhere. 

Does it look like long distance for the next 5, 10, 20 years? What are you doing here?

Both of you seem to know there may be no end in sight to this dating limbo. Recovery after cheating is difficult as it is when you’re living with someone. Why are you putting your life on hold for someone in another country? Please don’t compare yourself to anyone else either. You’ve hit rock bottom. Find a way out. 

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, Sheila86 said:

 maybe it’s me and wanting to be intimate to soon. 

He won't have sex with you and that in itself is reason to end things and go home. 

[Sheila86]

8 hours ago, glows said:

Four years is awhile to be with someone cross-border dating. I understand your plans were foiled by caring for your mum and Covid. Now is a very good time to look at the situation no matter how painful it is and reconsider whether this rl is going anywhere. 

Does it look like long distance for the next 5, 10, 20 years? What are you doing here?

Both of you seem to know there may be no end in sight to this dating limbo. Recovery after cheating is difficult as it is when you’re living with someone. Why are you putting your life on hold for someone in another country? Please don’t compare yourself to anyone else either. You’ve hit rock bottom. Find a way out. 

We both been physically living together since February when I Arrived here.  I won’t lie he’s been trying so hard and is full of remorse for what he did I see it and feel it daily.  He even admitted the affair to my mother in private when we previously went back to my country to visit.  We are both very affectionate always holding hands stroking touching just never sexually.  I’m still very attracted to him and when I have raised the issue about why we are not intimate he reply’s with a annoyed tone like what is this about sex? I then say nevermind we dont  argue about it - I end up saying it’s ok I’ll get over it and I change the subject. I don’t feel beautiful anymore or desirable sex isn’t everything I know but it’s almost been 3 years for me 

Edited August 27, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
formatting

[BaileyB]

Do you have the opportunity to get some counselling? He needs individual counselling and you need couples counselling. 

Edited August 27, 2022 by BaileyB

[glows]

4 minutes ago, Sheila86 said:

We both been physically living together since February when I Arrived here I won’t lie he’s been trying so hard and is full of remorse for what he did I see it and feel it daily he even admitted the affair to my mother in private when we previously went back to my country to visit we are both very affectionate always holding hands stroking touching just never sexually I’m still very attracted to him and when I have raised the issue about why we are not intimate he reply’s with a annoyed tone like what is this about sex? I then say nevermind we dont  argue about it I end up saying it’s ok I’ll get over it and I change the subject I don’t feel beautiful anymore or desirable sex isn’t everything I know but it’s almost been 3 years for me 

I’m sorry to hear this. Aside from sex, what else do you look for in a relationship? Are you hoping for marriage and children? It takes much more than sex and more involvement, mentally/emotionally/spiritually, from a partner. 

You’re in pain right now and looking immediately only at what you don’t have which is sex and intimacy that you need. I can see why you’re comparing yourself to her(the other person he was with) but I think your self esteem and confidence has been hit so hard by the affair you’ve lost your sense of self and feel unsure about the future. A life with someone requires more than intimacy. Both of you have to be on the same page for many other things.

[Sheila86]

14 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Do you have the opportunity to get some counselling? He needs individual counselling and you need couples counselling. 

That is a great idea and I have thought about it he still suffers with embarrassment from the affair coaxing him won’t be easy but I could try 

[BaileyB]

2 minutes ago, Sheila86 said:

That is a great idea and I have thought about it he still suffers with embarrassment from the affair coaxing him won’t be easy but I could try 

If he wants this relationship to be successful, he should be prepared to do whatever is required to heal it - 

Counselling would be an absolute must for me. Shutting down after he has cheated tells me that he is not handling this situation in an emotionally healthy way. 

[Sheila86]

8 hours ago, glows said:

I’m sorry to hear this. Aside from sex, what else do you look for in a relationship? Are you hoping for marriage and children? It takes much more than sex and more involvement, mentally/emotionally/spiritually, from a partner. 

You’re in pain right now and looking immediately only at what you don’t have which is sex and intimacy that you need. I can see why you’re comparing yourself to her(the other person he was with) but I think your self esteem and confidence has been hit so hard by the affair you’ve lost your sense of self and feel unsure about the future. A life with someone requires more than intimacy. Both of you have to be on the same page for many other things.

He has every quality I fell in love with he’s very loving and caring hardworking easy to speak to openly affectionate like myself. I would love to get married one day kids hmm I’m 3 years off 40 maybe getting to old now lol. He’s 41 he is not lacking in being a good person he just made a mistake that im struggling with mentally. No one’s perfect I guess it’s been so long for me sexually as where he had sex once in his short affair so she was the last one he was intimate sometimes I think to myself maybe I’m pushing to be the last one sexually and that’s not healthy because we are on the same page just not sexually and I don’t know why.  That’s what kills my spirit every day 

Edited August 27, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BaileyB]

You both need some counselling if you are going to stay together. 

And, I will echo what was said above - three years is a long time to live apart. You may like this man and have feelings for him but you have a long way to go and a lot to heal before this becomes a successful, in person, long term relationship for you. 

You are focused on the lack of sex right now but that is a symptom of some much bigger problems. If you were to have sex tonight, it wouldn’t heal what needs to be healed here.

Edited August 27, 2022 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

I don't understand.  Why did he have sex with her once (which I don't believe), but won't have it with you?  Your opening text was hard to read with no punctuation.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Sheila86 said:

 i would love to get married oneday kids hmm I’m 3 years off 40 maybe getting to old now lol he’s 41

Are you happy living in his country? How far is your homeland? Do you have a job? Residency/visa? Speak the language? Have friends (that are not his)? What is your goal there? Because after all this time without marriage or sex, how can you have a family or remain living there if there are residency requirements? You've only been there a few months. It's ok to go back home if he doesn't come around. He knows have to have sex. He is just shutting you out.

[Sheila86]

4 hours ago, stillafool said:

I don't understand.  Why did he have sex with her once (which I don't believe), but won't have it with you?  Your opening text was hard to read with no punctuation.

It was once they met at a funeral and then met up once more where they were sexual once as she lives in a different place she also has 8 kids to different father im sorry about my text was feeling overwhelmed at the time of writing it 

[Amy4love]

Something is quite not right... he may be hiding  something from you, you both seriously need a counselling.

 

[Wiseman2]

20 hours ago, Sheila86 said:

.  That’s what kills my spirit every day 

He's not who you thought he was. Take his offer to pay for your return trip home. Do not bother with counselling. He shuts you out and even though there were crocodile tears, something is not right in this situation.

 

Edited August 28, 2022 by Wiseman2

[glows]

22 hours ago, Sheila86 said:

He has every quality I fell in love with he’s very loving and caring hardworking easy to speak to openly affectionate like myself. I would love to get married one day kids hmm I’m 3 years off 40 maybe getting to old now lol. He’s 41 he is not lacking in being a good person he just made a mistake that im struggling with mentally. No one’s perfect I guess it’s been so long for me sexually as where he had sex once in his short affair so she was the last one he was intimate sometimes I think to myself maybe I’m pushing to be the last one sexually and that’s not healthy because we are on the same page just not sexually and I don’t know why.  That’s what kills my spirit every day 

The choice is ultimately yours but I can’t fathom why you’d want anything to do with someone like this given the circumstances. Love alone is not enough and it doesn’t sound at all like he has all the qualities you’re looking for. It’s contradictory what you say and then mention that an aspect of the relationship kills your spirit everyday. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I would stop trying to kid myself, and understand that this relationship is as good as over. 

The man you want him to be and who he actually is are not the same person, OP. The relationship you want to have is not in the cards with him. You have convinced yourself to stay far too long and hung on the version of him you thought you knew, but he's not that guy. You're clearly very unhappy and spinning in circles with yourself trying to make this all okay. 

But you're wasting your time. I would stop dragging out the inevitable, not bother with counselling, and leave. This isn't going to get better. 

[stillafool]

21 hours ago, Sheila86 said:

It was once they met at a funeral and then met up once more where they were sexual once as she lives in a different place she also has 8 kids to different father im sorry about my text was feeling overwhelmed at the time of writing it 

So again I ask, why do you think he had sex with her twice and won't have sex with you?  This kids are not relevant in my question.  Is it because you think he is more attracted to her?

Edited August 28, 2022 by stillafool

[Wiseman2]

23 hours ago, Sheila86 said:

 she also has 8 kids to different father

Are any of them his? Unfortunately he is hiding a lot of truth form you.