Just got yelled at and cussed by a best friend

[Wolf94]

Hello, me(28) male have 2 best friends that are dating. (24) male and a (28) female. A few days ago i noticed they were acting off like something was wrong. So later i messaged the male friend if everything was okay with them because it felt like something was wrong. He said nah they were okay. I said okay man.

Earlier the male friend messaged me and asked me to watch his stream i said sure I'll watch. Well after a few hours the stream stopped. So i messaged him and asked if he stopped streaming? He said no he had an error and started a new on. A moment later the female best friend messaged and said why am i only messaging the male best friend. I told her i asked about the stream.

And she started cussing me telling me not to message him anymore. And that i didn't need to know everything about there relationship. I was confused and said im sorry i just messaged about the stream. And she continued to cuss me saying she was sick of me messing in their relationship. I said im sorry and apologize but i just asked about the stream. She messaged and again cussing and said im looking at the message right now.

Then it hit me and i said ah the message from the other day? I'm sorry i won't ask again i apologize. And she messaged back ok.

By asking my male best friend was everything okay with them because it felt off one night wrong of me? I was concerned for my friends and just asked if everything was okay, should i not have done that? They both mean a lot to me and didn't mean to upset her. Any advise on what i should do?

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, Wolf94 said:

 she was sick of me messing in their relationship.

Have you met in person? Why is this a three-way conversation?

Distance yourself from both of them. Find your own friends and GF to spend more time with.

[Wolf94]

43 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have you met in person? Why is this a three-way conversation?

Distance yourself from both of them. Find your own friends and GF to spend more time with.

Hey yeah but i moved away, but we are really close. We've been friends for 8 years. She broke up with an abusive boyfriend in January. And they started dating a week later. We call in a group chat almost every day and message a lot. So the other night during a video call he seemed upset and she hardly spoke. Then the next day i messaged and got no reply but it was opened. And later he messaged me a little and i asked if everything was okay because they seemed distant and it felt like something was wrong. And he said nah they were good so i said okay and dropped it. They're like family but did i over step?

[Wiseman2]

26 minutes ago, Wolf94 said:

We call in a group chat almost every day and message a lot. So the other night during a video call he seemed upset and she hardly spoke. Then the next day i messaged and got no reply but it was opened. 

Stay out of their relationship completely. It's bizarre that they need a third person listening in everyday.

[glows]

2 hours ago, Wolf94 said:

Hey yeah but i moved away, but we are really close. We've been friends for 8 years. She broke up with an abusive boyfriend in January. And they started dating a week later. We call in a group chat almost every day and message a lot. So the other night during a video call he seemed upset and she hardly spoke. Then the next day i messaged and got no reply but it was opened. And later he messaged me a little and i asked if everything was okay because they seemed distant and it felt like something was wrong. And he said nah they were good so i said okay and dropped it. They're like family but did i over step?

You’re an old(er) friend and it’s a group chat so I’m sure you might have sensed something. To answer your question, stay out of others’ relationships. Let them come to you as friends if they’re down or need anything. Has this happened more than once? Her reaction suggests this isn’t the first time. It’s also no reason for her to be verbally abusive towards you so rethink whether these individuals are friends at all or whether you need to be associating with them.

 

 

 

[Wolf94]

9 minutes ago, glows said:

You’re an old(er) friend and it’s a group chat so I’m sure you might have sensed something. To answer your question, stay out of others’ relationships. Let them come to you as friends if they’re down or need anything. Has this happened more than once? Her reaction suggests this isn’t the first time. It’s also no reason for her to be verbally abusive towards you so rethink whether these individuals are friends at all or whether you need to be associating with them.

 

 

 

Hello, yes they both have came to me before. But asked me not to tell the other, which i never told the other. He recently had said she was distant with him wouldn't do anything with him. Except stay on tiktok all the time. And had mentioned to me he was thinking of ending it back in late may. And they had started arguing and acting like they had then. And like i said he's like a brother to me and she helped me through losing my dad. They both mean the world to me. And i noticed he was acting like before and just said is everything okay. I wasn't trying to medal or mess with their relationship. Im one of the few rooting for them. Her family doesn't like him. And he moved away from his family so she's the only one he has. So i was worried and just asked and tried to be there for them if needed. But once he said nah their good. I said okay and didn't bring it up again. I worry about him a lot because he tried to commit suicide years ago over a girl. But maybe i should have left it alone

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Wolf94 said:

yes they both have came to me before. But asked me not to tell the other, which i never told the other. He recently had said she was distant with him wouldn't do anything with him. 

Just stop playing relationship counsellor. It's not your job and as you can see, it just backfires. Tell them to confide in each other and work it out themselves. You need to make local friends and perhaps start dating locally and living your own life.

[glows]

1 minute ago, Wolf94 said:

Hello, yes they both have came to me before. But asked me not to tell the other, which i never told the other. He recently had said she was distant with him wouldn't do anything with him. Except stay on tiktok all the time. And had mentioned to me he was thinking of ending it back in late may. And they had started arguing and acting like they had then. And like i said he's like a brother to me and she helped me through losing my dad. They both mean the world to me. And i noticed he was acting like before and just said is everything okay. I wasn't trying to medal or mess with their relationship. Im one of the few rooting for them. Her family doesn't like him. And he moved away from his family so she's the only one he has. So i was worried and just asked and tried to be there for them if needed. But once he said nah their good. I said okay and didn't bring it up again. I worry about him a lot because he tried to commit suicide years ago over a girl. But maybe i should have left it alone

I’m sorry to hear that. You’re a good friend to him and I don’t think there was anything that bad about what you asked. In future I’d just steer clear and don’t even solicit that info. It’s unfortunate that her family doesn’t accept him and he seems isolated. Hopefully he realizes they may not be compatible.

If they ask you or confide in you about their relationship in future say you’re not getting involved and tell them to talk to one another. More boundaries are needed.

[Wolf94]

10 minutes ago, glows said:

I’m sorry to hear that. You’re a good friend to him and I don’t think there was anything that bad about what you asked. In future I’d just steer clear and don’t even solicit that info. It’s unfortunate that her family doesn’t accept him and he seems isolated. Hopefully he realizes they may not be compatible.

If they ask you or confide in you about their relationship in future say you’re not getting involved and tell them to talk to one another. More boundaries are needed.

I totally agree with you 💯 percent. Because it seems that all its doing is hurting the other. And i get stuck in the middle and that also hurts the other one. And i don't want to hurt either. So i think I'll take your advice, thank you for helping me sort that out

[ShyViolet]

It's a little weird to ask a friend if everything is ok in their romantic relationship with their significant other.  That's kind of none of your business.  I can see the girlfriend's point.  It's best to stay out of people's personal relationships, and if there is something they want to talk about, let them volunteer that information to you.

[Lotsgoingon]

Tough spot. Reminds me of being around my parents when they were having a silent argument. So awkward.

So yes, it is confusing to be around two close involved friends when there is tension. I get it. Some of the weirdest moments of my life were being around a couple I know when clearly they weren't getting along--and yet no one could acknowledge that. 

Don't call your male friend to ask what's up. It's your job to pay attention YOUR feelings and to sense (without confirmation) that something is wrong.  Suppose the guy had said, "Yeah, there is a problem. It's X Y Z." How would you respond? There is no reasonable way to respond since you're close to both people.

Absorb the discomfort and keep going. If things get really painfully awkward, excuse yourself from hanging out with them. You've seen this scene in the movies or on tv: the person in your position says, "I think I'll come back later. I just remembered something I have to do."

 

[Wolf94]

Hello, I'm a 38m with friends 34f and 35m. The friends moved last year and we keep in touch almost everyday. In a group call or on an online game or message. I had a couple of accidents when i was younger and messed up both knees and my right ankle. So now i need both knees replaced and an ankle fusion surgery. As i can barley get around anymore i had to stop working. So i spend a lot of time playing onling games. Because of my legs hurting and what not. But lately the male friend has been working a lot so i haven't heard much and I've just let them do their thing. Well the female friend has started on multiple ooccasions messaging me in our group chat after days of not hearing from them. And yelling at me and putting me down for playing a game. Telling me i have no life and other things over and over. When she doesn't have a job and watches tiktok all day everyday. And repeatedly tells me i don't have life. And if i ask why she's acting this way she tries to say i started it or i did something. And when i screen shot the messages and show her she messaged first and what she said. She yells and cusses at me before ignoring me. And i havr anxiety and depression bad and She has done it 4 times in the last couple weeks. And eveytime she does this it makes my anxiety really bad. Any advice on what i should do to resolve this or help with ways to fix this would be appreciated. They're my best friends and helped me a lot when my dad died a couple years ago. So i really want to save the friendship. Any advice would  be helpful thanks in advance

Edited May 20, 2023 by Wolf94
Added something i forgot

[ShyViolet]

What on earth??  You don't tolerate this behavior from anyone, I don't care if they are your "best friend" or not.  You need to tell her that if she can't be respectful to you, then you will not be talking to her anymore.  And FOLLOW THROUGH on that.  There is no saving a friendship when one person behaves like this.  She clearly has no interest in treating you like a friend.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Wolf94 said:

. Telling me i have no life and other things over and over. . i havr anxiety and depression bad and She has done it 4 times in the last couple weeks. 

Please find a new group of friends, chat groups and gamers to interact with. There's no need to tolerate this type of bullying. Cut them off . Report them to the site, then delete your profile and delete and block them from ALL your social media and messaging, chat and gaming apps.

Edited May 20, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Lotsgoingon]

You need to find better friends, I don't care how nice they were in the past. If these are friends, then I have no idea what enemies are.

BTW: what's the holdup on the knee surgery? And the ankle surgery? Get going on those so you can get out into the world. 

Edited May 20, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[basil67]

Hmmm....you wrote about these two last year.  And apparently you've all aged 10 years in the last nine months.

[Alpacalia]

It's unclear to me too how your ages have changed so much since August 2022. That's curious.

No, asking if everything is okay with friends isn't wrong. It is a sign of being a caring friend to express your concern when something feels off. She is clearly being hostile towards you so I would not engage further with her.

The way things sound, you're meddling in their relationship, and they're not responding in kind. I think she took the question the wrong way and was uncomfortable with you asking about their relationship status. She may have felt you interfered with their relationship or invaded their privacy and like you were trying to insert yourself into their relationship.

It's okay to show love and support as their friend without asking about their relationship or being too intrusive.

It is best to just let her have her space and move on. Friends are supposed to uplift us, not refer to us as 'losers with no life.'

Edited May 20, 2023 by Alpacalia

[mark clemson]

She sounds abusive. Might have some traits of a personality disorder (that's not a diagnosis or anything BTW - a LOT of people have SOME traits).

At any rate, no need to put up with that nonsense. Hope your buddy is ok, but best thing is to move on with your life and let them move on with theirs. Consider looking for some new/add'l friends to "fill the gap" if need be. Not that you will need to stop being friends with him entirely, but it does sound like she's trying to "chase you out".

It's not a battle you're likely to win unless/until he gets completely fed up with her at some point. Nor is there much point in winning it - he clearly wants a woman in his life, can't blame him for that. Maybe he'll see the light and find a better one at some point, but that's ultimately his business, not yours.

[JTSW]

You have never done anything wrong OP.

You're a good friend and its not bad or weird to ask if they are ok.

They are not your friends though.

She is an abusive bully and best friends DO NOT treat friends like that.

Sounds like she is trying to push you out completely.

He doesn't back you up at all.

I think its time to cut these people out.

If it were me, I would call her out on her nasty s***, call him out for being stupid then leave the group and block them both.

 

[Ageless Wisdom23]

😙

You are sadly the monkey in the middle with both of your friends, Being they are hooked at the hip here.  It will be an ongoing problem if you continue to enable it and not set the record straight with them both together or individually speak to them.  Tell them if they want to continue your friendship, You are staying neutral and don't care to get involved in any pettiness.  You are just a good friend whom they can always rely on to turn to when they need someone.  And to continue hanging out with.  More than likely, Your female friend may be the one to take offense and if so, So be it.

Edited May 22, 2023 by Ageless Wisdom23
Would like to add an enjoli