I am getting divorce, I feel OK with the decision but thinking about what comes next?

[Summer2024]

What would be the first thing you would do as a “free-single” person?” I take small and big advice. Thank you!

[Ellie178]

hit the bars. lol

[Summer2024]

Hi Ellie! Ha! I could but then don’t think that would be very productive. I am not ready for any serious relationship and I am not the type of a “one night stand”.

thanks for the advice!

[Ellie178]

the best way to get over someone is to get under someone lol

[Summer2024]

Don’t really think so! 

[Wiseman2]

Wait until the divorce is final. You could start dating however when men hear you're currently in the throes of divorce you'll get low quality men. Obviously bars and promiscuity are not the answer.

Join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness, take some classes and courses. Re-establish your social life.

[Will am I]

I chose against divorce this year, but I did spend a lot of time contemplating how I'd approach that life change. My personal strategy would be to work from the inside out.

1. First there's you and your self care.

2. Then there's the foundational elements of your life which include a home and work and income and the relatonships with your direct relatives (parents, children, siblings). Also for religious people this level would include a church or other religious community where you feel at home.

3. Then there's your social circle.

4. Finally there may be room for a new life partner.

 

Knowing a little bit of background from your previous topic I think you are actually quite far in this.

Self care means you have stable, healthy and good habits around sleeping, eating, exercise, meditation, social time. And that you reduced or eliminated the bad habits like alcohol and binge eating. And that you feel confident and serene and "whole" even without your ex-partner. I have the impression from the previous topic that you're doing just fine in that area. Although of course it's always possible that you have destructive habits but simply choose not to write about those

On the second level you have a home, a job, an income, you seem to have warm relations with your children. Looks like a check in the box.

Level 3, you should have a good social circle. You have been separated for a while, I hope you have used these evenings without your STBX in the house to strentghen the friendships with those friends closest to you. One question for your personal reflection is whether the composition of your friend circle matches your new state as a (soon to be) divorced woman. You probabky have a friend circle which was established over the years of your marriage. But does this circle include the right friends for your current situation? People that have been where you are and understand you without words? 

 

Going by this list you seem to be in a great shape. It wouln't be surprising if you wanted to date soon.

[stillafool]

Forget about men for a while.  Plan a vacation with your girlfriends to go someplace nice and celebrate being free and clear your mind.

[glows]

14 hours ago, Chaptertwo said:

What would be the first thing you would do as a “free-single” person?” I take small and big advice. Thank you!

I’d do all the things I couldn’t do or didn’t have time  to do when I was not “free”. Get back in touch with yourself and get to know yourself again. Enjoy your free time. 

[Summer2024]

Stillafool, planning a vacation to Marrakech to celebrate my friend’s birthday in September. (A couple of weeks from now) that should be fun! I have already been living alone for the last 8 months. So getting used to solitude and a new life.

glows, yes! Agree, reading a lot about Buddhism currently! If you did not hear about Pema chodron and are interested I. Buddhism her books are amazing, my favorite « When things fall apart »

I have been reconnecting with myself and getting back to me. Lots of yoga, walks, runs, to clear my thoughts. 
 

willamI, and wiseman2, thank you again. I actually just worked on a schedule to give myself enough time and not to rush  into anything. It is seasonal, the fall will be to ride the wave I need to ride (legally) but work, exercise, social life, and trips are part of it.

the winter will be to start accepting dates, get my feet in the water, slowly, not jumping into anything. 
 

and I think by the spring I might be ready to consider a serious relationship. 
 

I am as you can see very seasonal, if I was a vegetable I think I would be a shallot, you plant it in the fall and harvest in the spring! Ha!

 

thank you everyone for the great advice!

[Will am I]

I thing you are nailing this @Chaptertwo. 

You display all the right coping mechanisms and you are making good plans for yourself to bloom without rushing into anything.

 

I've noticed how women often emerge better after life changes than men do. I see it in divorced people as well as widows. My theory is that married women generally have stronger friend networks than married men (many guys have a natural tendency to lean on our wives to maintain our friendships) and that women often use better coping mechanisms. The number of observations is limited but the pattern is quite strong. I've seen men drift off into alcohol, laziness, anger, series of non-lasting romantic relationships. Or try to move out of one marriage and into the next with almost zero time to heal, hence forced to repeat the patterns. I've seen women carefully crafting a balance between dealing with their hurt and building a new life, leaning on family ties and friendships to help them through their transitioning phase.

Your story makes you a poster girl for the "women cope better" theory.

 

(I'm more concerned about your STBX husband with a history of alcoholism and a recent relapse. Wish he'd be on this forum. Talking about patterns: I glanced through the "separation and divorce" section: 6 out of the 7 most recent topics have been opened by women). 

[chrysalis3]

On 8/28/2022 at 9:31 PM, Chaptertwo said:

What would be the first thing you would do as a “free-single” person?” I take small and big advice. Thank you!

Honestly.... Take much time to focus on myself. Enjoy my freedom and re learning how to know me. That's what I would do.