I received an email saying that my bf has a wife

[PotatoHead]

Seems to me that you don't want to know the truth.  You want whatever story and cover up he is going to feed you when he gets back.

[S2B]

You’ve given him so much time to cover up anything he chooses to.

moms lie for their kids all the time.

he could easily send his wife away knowing you need to come over and meet his mom.

you have nothing solid to work with. Go over there and knock on his door! You don’t need his permission on when to go there! 

he’s so secretive! There is a lot he’s covering up. 

honestly - he acts this way - I wouldn’t even bother seeing him again! Why does he need to lie? Why does he need to control the narrative to everything?

he could be video calling you while his wife is working there?

besides- he left you for THREE weeks to go to concerts half way around the world? It doesn’t add up! If he has plenty of money and wanted you to go - he would have paid for your trip AND the money you’d lose while traveling! 

he’s sneaky and shady. I’d be done with his kind of lying. Life is too short to wonder! And he has done NOTHING to set your mind at ease as soon as you asked - he’s actually made it worse by being even more secretive.

someone sent the email to wake you up! No one responds to further questions after sending an email from a ghost email account. Expect NO answers from that source! 

pick him up at the airport! Drop him at his place and tell him you need to come into his house - see his room - kitchen and space where he lives! Take your lunch break when his plane arrives.

go over there tonight and see who is home while he is away for three weeks! Stop putting your head in the sand! You need to find your own evidence! Not the evidence he is manipulating just because you asked now.

Edited September 2, 2022 by S2B

[stillafool]

8 hours ago, Gloriousdays said:

He is kind of wealthy …. He is the one who usually pays for our trips and we are always on the road ( travelling)  ….. he doesn’t gamble as far as I’m aware… that’s true he could be up to no good when I’m sleeping so I Can’t vouch for him …

If he's kind of wealthy why is he living with his mother?  If he's got all this money to take you on trips and go on extended trips himself, why doesn't he have a place of his own to invite you to instead of staying over at your place so much?  Have you thought about that?   I'm sorry Gloriousdays, things just don't add up.

[SingFish]

18 hours ago, Gloriousdays said:

Thank you all for your lovely responses … that’s why right now I’m a bit confused as I spend Christmas, news years and his birthdays with him ever since I have been with him … I will wait till he is back and ask him to take me to his house calmly….. he says now he doesn’t want to come back  to the UK as he is so stressed out  and upset because of what his ex did … he said she also reached out to his boss and he is very upset…. I’m now more confused than ever but I wonder why the person who emailed me disappeared after sending me such an email …. It’s all very bizarre … I will get to the bottom of this … if he is indeed married then this will come out to light …. Nothing can be hidden forever ….and I will not be with a married man ….  He has told me that he is not married though …. 

'I will get to the bottom of this'...maybe. No point speculating until he gets back and tells and reveals what's worrying him so much. 

I've been on the receiving end of an abusive partner so I understand if that's what's upsetting him, everything gets out of perspective. For a long time. 

Just go about your own life, don't let it become an obsession! 

🤗

[jah526]

8 hours ago, Gloriousdays said:

I have decided not to go anymore … I will just wait for him but if he refuses to take me to his house then I will end it…

just to confirm as well he introduced me to his personal trainer at his gym … I have been with him at the gym a few times… he is always inviting me to the gym…. 

My xMM was always inviting me to the gym too. He knew his wife wouldn’t be there because she was home with the kids! 

If it were me, I wouldn’t have given him the chance to try to spin up a story, but would’ve investigated myself. But that’s just me. Good luck.

[S2B]

Instead of taking you to the gym - just go to his home. 
all these offers of other locations besides his home are just smoke and mirrors to distract you.

i would be suspicious if a guy didn’t have me to his home after seeing him for a month! 

he’s kept you out of his “real life” for a reason. Why didn’t you notice before 18 months passed?

[S2B]

8 hours ago, Gloriousdays said:

I have decided not to go anymore … I will just wait for him but if he refuses to take me to his house then I will end it…

just to confirm as well he introduced me to his personal trainer at his gym … I have been with him at the gym a few times… he is always inviting me to the gym…. 

He certainly has you trained to expect very little! Even when you NEED to know info that pertains to your future - you back away and aren’t PROACTIVE!

you don’t need his permission to find out what’s real or imagined!

go over there and knock on his door. Introduce yourself to whoever answers the door. Take flowers or a meal saying you wanted him to come home to flowers or a meal.

find out who is in the house (go at night) by taking the meal in and setting it down in his kitchen.

[jah526]

22 minutes ago, S2B said:

He certainly has you trained to expect very little! Even when you NEED to know info that pertains to your future - you back away and aren’t PROACTIVE!

you don’t need his permission to find out what’s real or imagined!

go over there and knock on his door. Introduce yourself to whoever answers the door. Take flowers or a meal saying you wanted him to come home to flowers or a meal.

find out who is in the house (go at night) by taking the meal in and setting it down in his kitchen.

Um... safety first though, just sayin’. My xMM used to laugh at the thought of his wife showing up at my place with a gun. Needless to say, I didn’t see the humor in it.

[S2B]

43 minutes ago, jah526 said:

Um... safety first though, just sayin’. My xMM used to laugh at the thought of his wife showing up at my place with a gun. Needless to say, I didn’t see the humor in it.

I never said a gun - I said show up with a meal!

Edited September 2, 2022 by S2B

[jah526]

11 minutes ago, S2B said:

I never said a gun - I said show up with a meal!

I know. But you never know what’s on the other side of the door. 

[Alpacalia]

While I have not been romantically involved with a married person, when my ex-f's new "lady friend" informed me of their relationship (I answered the phone at his place), I asked him when he arrived home. 

He admitted their involvement. 

That was good enough for me to exit stage left. 

There is a reason your boyfriend hasn't invited you to his place in 1.5 years. He doesn't want you to know anything about him except what you already know. His home and personal life have something he knows will turn you off. The insidious kind, like a perpetual hoarder, or the deceitful kind, like having another spouse and children. 

If he refuses to show you on his own accord, stop seeing him. 

Ignoring the "possible wife," or "vindictive ex," the fact that you have been in a relationship with someone for 1.5 years without him making a single effort to integrate you into his life is enough of a red flag.

Talk informs, behavior reveals.

Edited September 2, 2022 by Alpacalia

[IrinaM]

OP, what else is there to say?

Forget the email. That's not even the biggest red flag.

This man is visiting Vegas for three weeks all by himself. This is not typical, whatsoever. Especially when he has a girlfriend at home waiting for him.

How is it that he's wealthy but still lives with mom? That's not typical either. Wealthy men own their own homes. You've taken all these vacations and trips that he's paid for--why wouldn't he prioritize housing over trips? Makes no sense.

How is he able to take three week vacations? That's also not typical, not for anyone. Especially not for a "wealthy" man. Ime wealthy men are doctors, lawyers, accountants...people who are needed at their jobs.

Then there's the fact that you haven't once been to his home or met his friends or family, in 1.5 years. This is also highly unusual. Ime, men love having their girlfriends over to their home.

Imo he knows he can talk circles around you and get you to believe things that are highly unlikely and make no sense:( Good luck.

[Gloriousdays]

10 hours ago, Estes said:

[ ] The world is full of messed up, deceptive, manipulative, opportunistic people that will take advantage of others given the chance. 

When I deal with people in my life, on both a personal and business nature, I don't take crap from them unless for some reason I am better off keeping my mouth shut. I take extra precautions in my life to minimize the chances that I will be taken advantage of in some way, I'm slow to trust and quick to pull the trigger at the sign of a problem.

If I was in your position, and things weren't adding up, and red flags were flying in the breeze, and I wasn't getting answers to my questions, I wouldn't wait 5 freaking minutes. I'd be doing anything and everything to find out what the heck is going on, including but not limited to getting my ass over there and knocking on the door.

Your decision to "wait and see what he says" is a passive, non-way of dealing with a potentially huge problem that can, and probably will have a devastating effect on your life. Why leave it up to him any longer?

You KNOW there's a problem here. Go find out exactly what it is, sooner rather than later, on YOUR terms. I'd have as much information as possible BEFORE he's back in town.

The best defense is a good offense.

 

 

 

That’s so true what you wrote … I will go there today after work .:. I’m going to knock at the door and see who lives there …. It’s not far actually from where I live … it’s only 18 minutes drive from my place….. I was just a bit worried because I don’t know who lives there … what if the person is crazy ?…. But it’s high time for me to find out the truth….

[Gloriousdays]

9 hours ago, PotatoHead said:

Seems to me that you don't want to know the truth.  You want whatever story and cover up he is going to feed you when he gets back.

I will be heading over there today after work you know … 

[Gloriousdays]

5 hours ago, S2B said:

You’ve given him so much time to cover up anything he chooses to.

moms lie for their kids all the time.

he could easily send his wife away knowing you need to come over and meet his mom.

you have nothing solid to work with. Go over there and knock on his door! You don’t need his permission on when to go there! 

he’s so secretive! There is a lot he’s covering up. 

honestly - he acts this way - I wouldn’t even bother seeing him again! Why does he need to lie? Why does he need to control the narrative to everything?

he could be video calling you while his wife is working there?

besides- he left you for THREE weeks to go to concerts half way around the world? It doesn’t add up! If he has plenty of money and wanted you to go - he would have paid for your trip AND the money you’d lose while traveling! 

he’s sneaky and shady. I’d be done with his kind of lying. Life is too short to wonder! And he has done NOTHING to set your mind at ease as soon as you asked - he’s actually made it worse by being even more secretive.

someone sent the email to wake you up! No one responds to further questions after sending an email from a ghost email account. Expect NO answers from that source! 

pick him up at the airport! Drop him at his place and tell him you need to come into his house - see his room - kitchen and space where he lives! Take your lunch break when his plane arrives.

go over there tonight and see who is home while he is away for three weeks! Stop putting your head in the sand! You need to find your own evidence! Not the evidence he is manipulating just because you asked now.

Yeah I will definitely do so today after work ….

[Gloriousdays]

2 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

While I have not been romantically involved with a married person, when my ex-f's new "lady friend" informed me of their relationship (I answered the phone at his place), I asked him when he arrived home. 

He admitted their involvement. 

That was good enough for me to exit stage left. 

There is a reason your boyfriend hasn't invited you to his place in 1.5 years. He doesn't want you to know anything about him except what you already know. His home and personal life have something he knows will turn you off. The insidious kind, like a perpetual hoarder, or the deceitful kind, like having another spouse and children. 

If he refuses to show you on his own accord, stop seeing him. 

Ignoring the "possible wife," or "vindictive ex," the fact that you have been in a relationship with someone for 1.5 years without him making a single effort to integrate you into his life is enough of a red flag.

Talk informs, behavior reveals.

Wow that’s going to be a tough one if he indeed married … I just want to know the truth … no more deception or lies… I have had enough 

[Gloriousdays]

4 hours ago, S2B said:

Instead of taking you to the gym - just go to his home. 
all these offers of other locations besides his home are just smoke and mirrors to distract you.

i would be suspicious if a guy didn’t have me to his home after seeing him for a month! 

he’s kept you out of his “real life” for a reason. Why didn’t you notice before 18 months passed?

To be honest we met during covid so I never really thought much about it .. when we Met he told me that he told his mum about me and she would like to meet me but I never asked him to met his mum until recently.. honestly he never gave me I’m married vibes .. I genuinely thought he was single as he was always at my place you know ….  When I asked him to meet his mum he said that we were going to meet in the 11th of this month ..

[Gloriousdays]

3 hours ago, jah526 said:

I know. But you never know what’s on the other side of the door. 

That’s what I was worried about how will the other person react whoever is in that address…  especially if it’s the wife…

[S2B]

5 minutes ago, Gloriousdays said:

To be honest we met during covid so I never really thought much about it .. when we Met he told me that he told his mum about me and she would like to meet me but I never asked him to met his mum until recently.. honestly he never gave me I’m married vibes .. I genuinely thought he was single as he was always at my place you know ….  When I asked him to meet his mum he said that we were going to meet in the 11th of this month ..

Why would he schedule it for that far away? Is that when he knows his wife will be away?

none of this adds up - you need the truth.

[Gloriousdays]

11 hours ago, Bubble_20 said:

What I find refreshing OP about this thread is how you have interacted with the replies. Time and time again we see people post a question, seeking advice support and experience from those who have been through similar only to reject the advice and appear to be total denial. You have thoughtfully considered what’s been said and reflected on a way to move forward without the usual backpedaling and making excuses.

I would like to throw in my two pence for what’s it worth. Years ago, I was in a casual relationship with a bloke for around two years. I lived in a run down rental property that even my own family were never really invited to (they came once in six years!.  I was embarrassed and would always spend nights around his. He never met my family and I never met his. There were a couple of reasons for this. 
1) although he was a lovely bloke I wasn’t sure about where I wanted the relationship to go. Formally introducing him seemed a bit risky and unfair when I was vacillating between my feelings for him. 
2) my dad is a strange man, incredibly critical and opinionated. I dreaded even going for a beer with us all and totally putting my BF off altogether.

My family kind of knew I was seeing someone but I was always vague and non committal about us getting together although I always said yeah sure we’ll go out for dinner at some point.  
The relationship ended on mutual terms but it was definitely me putting up walls that did it.

Having said that, my bf knew where I lived (although I only allowed him to stay over once). We went on holidays together and spent news year etc on nights away. But I never told my parents where I was and cagey, vague and secretive. Unbelievably he was laid back and accepted this as ‘giving me space’. We’d have a few too many drinks and the subject would come up but I’d bat it away and he went along with it. We had great times together but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to live with him or move it up. Despite the time spent together.

it’s weird and rare but yes sometimes people are soooo private it’s beyond mental!

as to this odd email you received, I guess you’ll find out soon. It’s perplexing that’s for sure.

I hope things work out for you x

 

Thank you so much for your kind response…. You know since I have spent all the holidays with him from Christmas to his birthday to New Years I wonder where this wife will be .. if he is indeed married then he treats her  very badly … anyway I have decided to go after work tonight to that address… I hope it all goes well …. To be honest with you he has not met my mum either only my niece and my cousin in America that he met recently …..  he said to me that If I meet  his mum he would like to meet mine I said that’s fine … I hope I find out the truth tonight because it’s driving me absolutely crazy 

[S2B]

If he’s not married he’s not treating you right. He left you for three weeks. He hasn’t made effort to integrate you into his family life.

[Gloriousdays]

So anyway I found the Social media of the ex gf who he said is doing this …. So I sent him the picture asking who she was and he said that’s my ex that’s doing all of this … but the thing is she is married to someone else now and has kids … so why would she do this for someone that is married and has kids with someone else … could it be another  woman  that sent me that email?  I have so many questions…. I have seen pictures of this ex she seems happily married but you never know with people you know …

[Gloriousdays]

1 minute ago, S2B said:

If he’s not married he’s not treating you right. He left you for three weeks. He hasn’t made effort to integrate you into his family life.

That’s so true … with the Vegas thing he Invited me but I couldn’t go with him this time around because I had just gotten a new job … anyway I will find out the truth tonight … 

[Bubble_20]

Sometimes people are just really reluctant to take things to that next level meeting parents etc. As I say, we never did and I got no pressure from my bf at the time. My friends thought it odd though but I had my reasons. It does seem odd that you’ve been able to spend special holidays and all that time together together for all this time so maybe it’s just a weird and uncomfortable family /home situation he’s paranoid about you seeing? Or he’s got involved with some else?

also, I went away without him on my own holiday with a friend so it DOES happen lol. 

Having said that some of us have been on this forum for a couple of years and seen almost everything you could imagine! 
I guess you could pop around to the house to drop a little surprise off. Nothing weird like a meal or anything, which would be out of the ordinary for your relationship, just posting a welcome home card. Something daft like that. If someone answers the door then I’m sure you’ll handle it from there. 

Edited September 2, 2022 by Bubble_20

[S2B]

When most people are really into someone and have a future together - they normally have them meet family soon after they understand they are committed to the person they are seeing.

wishing you good luck tonight!

Edited September 2, 2022 by S2B