I received an email saying that my bf has a wife

[poppyfields]

23 minutes ago, Gloriousdays said:

Unfortunately I couldn’t find anything online regarding his marriage which is annoying

Why do you say unfortunately and that it's annoying?   Did you want to find something proving he's married?

If you can't find any record of it or other tangible evidence/proof, then it's more likely than not that none exists and that he is NOT married. 

And that email you received was, as I suggested in my previous post, someone attempting to stir up trouble and possibly break you up.

However, again wait until he returns and then take him up on his offer to meet his mum and see where he lives.

For now, stop snooping around looking for evidence and choose to trust him.

That is what I would do anyway, g'luck.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited August 30, 2022 by poppyfields

[Gloriousdays]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

Why do you say unfortunately and that it's annoying?   Did you want to find something proving he's married?

If you can't find any record of it or other tangible evidence/proof, then it's more likely than not that none exists and that he is NOT married. 

And that email you received was, as I suggested in my previous post, someone attempting to stir up trouble and possibly break you up.

However, again wait until he returns and then take him up on his offer to meet his mum and see where he lives.

That is what I would do anyway.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks I will do so … we have just  spoken on the phone and he said that I will meet his mum on the 11th of September… to be fair this was planned even before I received that email …..

 

I know I shouldn’t have said it’s annoying I guess i’m just a bit a bit frustrated with the whole situation….  I just can’t wait for him to be back so that I can meet his mum and see where he lives …

[BrinnM]

This is what I think when I try to logically combine all the info from this thread (it’s like a little puzzle):

It totally sounds like he’s married, probably something like “still officially married, going through a divorce”, or separated and too lazy/cheap to actually file for & go through with the divorce.
That would explain the living with his mum thing as well. Many men leave the marital home and briefly live with their parents, until they find their own place, if they separate from their partners/wives. But he found you instead and stays at your place a lot. Therefore, there’s no urgency for him to have his own apartment. It’s interesting though why he wouldn’t tell you, honestly, that he’s not yet officially divorced. That’s confusing. Could be because he’s afraid you’d dump him, or because he’s not sure he wants to officially divorce (keeping his options open, or not wanting to “hurt” the Ws feelings; maybe he told her the separation is just temporary and they’re working on the R).

Also - who’s the informant and what’s their motive? It must be somebody who knows (ie he told them) that he has kept his martial status from his GF (you). [He doesn’t have kids, does he?]

Maybe he’s got a side chick somewhere (in addition to the potential W) who got mad because she’s afraid to lose him to you? (but how would she know about you?) - Or maybe it’s the wife herself who hates him for whatever reason (but again - how would she know about you?)

Hmmmmm…..suspense! Can’t wait till he’s back. I’m intrigued.
BTW, OP, one last thing: Las Vegas could be considered a really weird trip for a male solo traveler. I mean, who travels all the way from the UK, all alone, to Vegas out of all places? I mean, if it’s not a business trip combined with a few extra days, it’s not a place you’d spend a “holiday” at for a week or two. Unless you’re addicted to gambling maybe. That’s also something that I would wonder and ask about if I were you. Maybe it’s a popular destination for Brits, who knows, but it’s a party place, so I’d expect him to bring a few buddies, seriously.

Edited August 31, 2022 by BrinnM
typo

[poppyfields]

I dunno, separated is still married, so if that's the case, surely you would have found something while conducting your on-line investigation, assuming he is still married (but separated) or even was married but now divorced.

Google is a great resource, virtually anything about anybody can be found these days by doing a Google search if you have their real names.

Also Spokeo.com for an address and relatives search including wives and ex wives.

I'm not recommending it, I wouldn't want it done to me, but these are public resources so it's fair game I suppose.

Ya know it's funny (interesting funny) when I read your initial post about this email you received, my very first thought was someone very vindictive attempting to cause trouble and break you up.

Not even an ex necessarily, could be some unbalanced girl at work who has a mad crush on him or something.  That might also explain how she got your email address.

I went through something similar with one of my ex's years ago.  Crazy psycho female co-worker trying to stir up trouble and break us up. 

My ex took care of it and she was eventually fired, not for that but for other craziness.

So maybe that is where my opinion comes from; plus I am a strong advocate of trusting your partner unless proven otherwise.  A random cryptc email isn't, not imo anyway.

In any event, let us know the outcome and hope it all works out positively for you.

Edited August 31, 2022 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Gloriousdays said:

 he said that I will meet his mum on the 11th of September… 

You've been overly trusting for way too long. Not seeing where someone lives or meeting any of their people is a huge red flag.

Many of those internet searches are inaccurate garbage sometimes. Google yourself, you'll see.

You can get some basics by googling his address and whatever names you know. 

Meeting his mother in a restaurant is meaningless. This mysterious email is what has helped get your head out of the sand about his secrecy. It's shed new light on the fact that you've never seen where he lives. 

You've given him way too much benefit of the doubt way too long. It's time for damage control so you can see what is going on. 

People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

Edited August 31, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Gloriousdays]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You've been overly trusting for way too long. Not seeing where someone lives or meeting any of their people is a huge red flag.

Many of those internet searches are inaccurate garbage sometimes. Google yourself, you'll see.

You can get some basics by googling his address and whatever names you know. 

Meeting his mother in a restaurant is meaningless. This mysterious email is what has helped get your head out of the sand about his secrecy. It's shed new light on the fact that you've never seen where he lives. 

You've given him way too much benefit of the doubt way too long. It's time for damage control so you can see what is going on. 

People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

That’s true … I have only met his dj friend that’s all … I feel so stupid now because I trusted him … he said i will meet his mum next week … so I’m definitely looking forward to that ….. I said to him that I want to see where he lives and he said that he will take me there.

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Gloriousdays said:

 … he said i will meet his mum next week …  he lives and he said that he will take me there.

Meeting his mother is irrelevant. You need to see where he lives. Why would he have to "take you there"?  Do you drive? Do you know his address? Skip meeting mom and tell him you'll meet him at his place when he gets back. See what excuses he comes up with. Do not let him keep camping out at your place.

[Gloriousdays]

8 hours ago, BrinnM said:

This is what I think when I try to logically combine all the info from this thread (it’s like a little puzzle):

It totally sounds like he’s married, probably something like “still officially married, going through a divorce”, or separated and too lazy/cheap to actually file for & go through with the divorce.
That would explain the living with his mum thing as well. Many men leave the marital home and briefly live with their parents, until they find their own place, if they separate from their partners/wives. But he found you instead and stays at your place a lot. Therefore, there’s no urgency for him to have his own apartment. It’s interesting though why he wouldn’t tell you, honestly, that he’s not yet officially divorced. That’s confusing. Could be because he’s afraid you’d dump him, or because he’s not sure he wants to officially divorce (keeping his options open, or not wanting to “hurt” the Ws feelings; maybe he told her the separation is just temporary and they’re working on the R).

Also - who’s the informant and what’s their motive? It must be somebody who knows (ie he told them) that he has kept his martial status from his GF (you). [He doesn’t have kids, does he?]

Maybe he’s got a side chick somewhere (in addition to the potential W) who got mad because she’s afraid to lose him to you? (but how would she know about you?) - Or maybe it’s the wife herself who hates him for whatever reason (but again - how would she know about you?)

Hmmmmm…..suspense! Can’t wait till he’s back. I’m intrigued.
BTW, OP, one last thing: Las Vegas could be considered a really weird trip for a male solo traveler. I mean, who travels all the way from the UK, all alone, to Vegas out of all places? I mean, if it’s not a business trip combined with a few extra days, it’s not a place you’d spend a “holiday” at for a week or two. Unless you’re addicted to gambling maybe. That’s also something that I would wonder and ask about if I were you. Maybe it’s a popular destination for Brits, who knows, but it’s a party place, so I’d expect him to bring a few buddies, seriously.

I really hope he is not married … well i have exchanged emails with him in the past so I believe thats how the other person got my email address… whoever it is I need to know who it is but I don’t know how to do it ….that other person has an access to his emails that’s a fact … he said he was hacked but I don’t believe that …as far as I’m aware he doesn’t have kids but now I’m second guessing everything… yeah he invited me to go with him to Las Vegas but I couldn’t go because I had just gotten a new job …. That’s where me and him spent his birthday and Christmas last year … I know he is there by himself because I have been talking to him on video non stop …. 

[Gloriousdays]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Meeting his mother is irrelevant. You need to see where he lives. Why would he have to "take you there"?  Do you drive? Do you know his address? Skip meeting mom and tell him you'll meet him at his place when he gets back. See what excuses he comes up with. Do not let him keep camping out at your place.

Yeah I drive and I know his address as he uses my eBay account and all his stuff gets delivered to that address... this is the same address registered on his name online as well so I know that that’s where he lives ….the only reason that he asked me to meet his mum first it’s because he said he lives with his mum so he wants us to meet over a meal first …

[Will am I]

Stay critical. Don’t buy any of his explanations unless they are simple and make sense.

[BrinnM]

I’m assuming the sender’s e-mail wasn’t firstname.lastname@somethingsomethingdotcom - and you googled the email addy and nothing came up? Have you tried copying the email address into Facebook etc.? Worthless, if it’s a burner, but worth a shot

[Estes]

You've been with this guy for over 1.5 years and have not been inside his home.

There is nothing more that needs to be said.

Your entire "relationship" with this guy is a sham.

The sooner you figure it out and move on with your life the better off you will be in the long run.

That much being said I doubt you've got the strength to break away from this guy given how much deception you've put up with to date and the doubts you continue to have despite the truth staring you right in the face.

Here's what's going to happen- your "boyfriend" will continue to procrastinate regarding meeting his "mother who lives with him" indefinitely and things will continue on as they currently stand with you talking yourself into believing whatever he tells you. Or, he will end the relationship suddenly without a reasonable explanation.

[giotto]

Just go for a drive and have a look... I can't believe you haven't done this yet!

[ExpatInItaly]

 

1 hour ago, Gloriousdays said:

I have only met his dj friend that’s all

So you have only ever met one friend of his? That's it? Nobody else in his life?

And you have never been to his house in 1.5 years, which is also a long time not to have ever met his mom. I think this anonymous person is doing you a favour. They know things you don't. You need to ask yourself why you've accepted this shadowy behaviour for so long.

[Estes]

Let's play this out.

You go to his house and you knock on the door.

Let's assume someone is home, if not, you try again until somebody IS home.

Scenario 1- An elderly woman answers the door. You introduce yourself and say "I'm xx's girlfriend I've been wanting to meet you for a while, I figure now is as good a time as any".

Scenario 2- A young woman answers the door. You say "Hi I'm xx's girlfriend I'm looking for xx's mom".

What's the WORST thing that can possibly happen? Your so-called boyfriend hasn't introduced you to his mom nor have you seen his home, in ONE AND A HALF YEARS of dating, and there are other red flags as well.

"What we want and need is on the other side of FEAR".

 

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Gloriousdays said:

Yeah I drive and I know his address 

Offer to pick him up at the airport and drive him home. See what he does.

Tell him you don't need to to meet his mother somewhere else first (crazy rule anyway) and that you will come to his home to meet her. See what excuse he comes up with

Tell him he can no longer use your address as a mailing address, since he has his own address. Ask him why he doesn't use his own address.

Tell him he can not stay at your home until you see his home. See what he does.

The longer you tiptoe around by asking the emailer questions  or agreeing with the crazy "you have to meet my mother elsewhere first", you'll be in the same dark place.

[poppyfields]

OP, you can always try doing a 'reverse email search.' 

Beenverified.com offers this as well as other search engines. 

I would do that even if I thought it was someone trying to stir trouble or scamming for kicks.  A lot of very sick people out there lemmetellya.

Anyway, if it's a legit email, the reverse email search will show their name, address, phone number and other info. 

Nothing to lose by doing that. 

I think it's good you are going to meet his mom, but you need to be adamant about going to his home.  NOT just driving by, but going inside. 

Tell him you want to see how he lives!  That is a perfectly legit reason.   I too am shocked you've never done that. 

Giving him the benefit of doubt, it IS possible he's embarrassed by his mum and where they live.  Especially if you're background is a higher class. 

But you need to insist on it at this point. 

1.5 years is way way too long, as well as meeting only one friend. 

Continue using on line search engines, they're legal and most are free.  IF he is married, something is bound to show up. 

 

 

 

Edited August 31, 2022 by poppyfields

[Gloriousdays]

Thank you all f your lovely responses they have all been very helpful… so you all think that I should go to that address unannounced ? And also I asked him for his mum’s last name and he said to me Gloriousdays what are you planning to do ….  He said to me he will tell me when we meet face to face next week … he also said that I have been acting weird ever since I got that email ( which is true) how can I act normal given the circumstances…. Things are not looking good at the moment for me … I’m worried on how I will react if he is indeed married … and also I can’t pick him up from the airport as I will be at work when he gets here … I will demand to go to see his house and if he refuses then I will definitely end it … I refuse to be the “other” woman …..  one the thing that I need to clarify is that he doesn’t use my email address but he uses my eBay account to buy stuff …. The person found my email from his email account I believe because me and him made our travelling plans via emails…. And also I have never met anybody besides his DJ friend on our nights out … the worst thing is that  we booked a holiday together in Thailand and everything has already been paid for and can’t get a refund ( I’m so upset with myself ) how did I allow to be played like that ..

[mark clemson]

Hmm. Here in the US, the WORST thing that might happen if you knock on the door would be being shot by a wife or GF in a fit of jealous rage.

That's probably not going to happen in England, however you still might be subject to physical assault, verbal berating, or having police summoned on trumped up claims/charges.

This isn't overly likely. However, if you happen to one of the unlucky few, the fact that it's statistically rare tends to be of limited consolation.

So, IMO you do want to proceed with some caution here.

 

20 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

The psycho ex-gf was more of a nuisance to me and the friends. She was and still is pretty torturous to my friend. She has figured out how to hack into her social media accounts and constantly makes up new accounts to follow her and stay up to date with what she is doing. She did cause or set the ball in motion for my friend and her boyfriend breaking up (though he wasn't cheating). The psycho ex-gf got her way and they broke up a few years ago as it caused a ton of drama. The psycho IS STILL doing it to date--not as intensely ie on the hour.  Meanwhile we are struggling to remember her real first and last name but yeah not fun for my friend.

Yep, once in a great while, you can run into a complete psycho/bunny boiler. Certainly happens...

[mark clemson]

2 minutes ago, Gloriousdays said:

 I will demand to go to see his house and if he refuses then I will definitely end it …

Go see his house with him - not at all crazy. Be "allowed" to come visit with reasonable frequency (once you've established there's no weird/crazy xGF waiting in the wings) - also not crazy. Breaking up if he won't agree - not crazy either, you're allowed your deal-breakers.

There ARE alternate explanations. Maybe Mom's a hoarder and/or he's embarrassed about the condition of the house or similar. I'm not sure how likely these are vs. him simply two-timing/cheating - hard to say.

Overall, as you realize, you mostly need to get clarity on the situation and then go from there.

[Allupinnit]

He can't even tell you his own mother's last name?? 🙄🙄🙄

Oh girl - I fear this is going to be worse than you even think.

[Estes]

It's unfortunate that you cannot break away from work for what is arguably one of the most important tasks  you'll ever do in your life.

 

Anyway-

He's still messing with you and you're allowing it. Rather than answer your questions, he asks you questions to put you on the defense- that's one of the oldest tricks in the book.

You need to put a stop to this NOW. You want his mom's maiden name and he need not concern himself with what you'll do with the information he provides.

You can go to Thailand without him. Or bring a friend or relative.

You won't be going with him.

 

 

Edited August 31, 2022 by Estes

[BaileyB]

7 hours ago, Gloriousdays said:

the only reason that he asked me to meet his mum first it’s because he said he lives with his mum so he wants us to meet over a meal first …

Lol, he is just about a year too late in making the introduction. 

Seriously, you have made extensive travel plans with the man and you have never been to his house or met any of his family/friends? Have you not had other discussions with him - ‘When did your last relationship end? We’re you married? Living together? How long were you together? Why did the relationship end? Do you have children?’ How does one get a year and a half into a relationship and book an international vacation with a man and not be able to say with certainty - the man is not married to another woman? 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Gloriousdays said:

And also I asked him for his mum’s last name and he said to me Gloriousdays what are you planning to do ….  He said to me he will tell me when we meet face to face next week

Wait, what?

He won't tell you his mom's last name until next week?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Gloriousdays said:

the worst thing is that  we booked a holiday together in Thailand and everything has already been paid for and can’t get a refund ( I’m so upset with myself ) how did I allow to be played like that ..

Ask him for a refund. His mother's last name is irrelevant. He is hiding something. Do not allow him to use your place as his love nest. Insist you visit him at his home. It's BS that you need to "meet his mother first". He is obviously stalling but realizing that it's about to hit the fan so he's making excuses. Offer to get him at the airport, just to see his response. Do not waste money on those search engine scams. They just use the same info that's out there at large anyway. Ask pointed and direct questions. How he answers will tell you a great deal.

Edited August 31, 2022 by Wiseman2