I received an email saying that my bf has a wife

[Gloriousdays]

14 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

Yes, sounds like it was probably just a made up email. Takes no time to do it. And sending bombshells like that, not surprising no one would use their own email. 

Does he have any social media? Do you have pictures together? 

He is on Instagram we both follow each other but he doesn’t have any pictures on his account.. me I do however have pictures of us both on my account…..

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, Gloriousdays said:

 I do speak to him for hours though after work …. And then I go to bed … when I’m at work he will he sleeping because it will be night time in Las Vegas ……he has been going to concerts to see artists performing 

So in other words, plenty of time when you're not actually on video call with him. 

I am not necessarily saying he's traveled with another woman, but it would not surprise me if there was some other reason he's been there alone for 3 weeks other than going to concerts. 

[Gloriousdays]

5 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I agree. 

This strange email taken together with the fact that you're essentially a secret in his life, have never been to his house and his own evasive behaviour since...it doesn't add up to an innocent misunderstanding or a vindictive ex trying to ruin his life. 

If it were only the email and everything else lined up about him, maybe. But it's not only the email. The context here is important and strongly suggests there's plenty he's not telling you. I'm sorry you're going through this. 

That’s true …. He won’t tell me her last name … he kept asking if I was going to visit his mum without him ….. I think right now he is panicking that’s why he is so stressed.. he is worried that the truth might come out ….

[Gloriousdays]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

So in other words, plenty of time when you're not actually on video call with him. 

I am not necessarily saying he's traveled with another woman, but it would not surprise me if there was some other reason he's been there alone for 3 weeks other than going to concerts. 

That’s true …… he said he loves Las Vegas so much … the weird thing is that he invited me to Las Vegas but I said no as I had just got a new job .. so I couldn’t really travel with him …

[poppyfields]

8 hours ago, Gloriousdays said:

He has told me that he is not married though …. 

I'm curious why you choose to not trust HIS word here^?  And instead place your focus on some ambiguous email from someone who most likely was wanting to stir up trouble. My opinion of course. 

Which it has!  Mission accomplished.

Has he lied to you before?  Has he given you any reason in 1.5 years to not trust him? 

In the US we have something called innocent until proven guilty. 

Other than him not inviting you to his home or meet his mom which you never expressed an interest in doing and which there could be other explanations for (like with my brother), there is no proof.

Only hearsay and conjecture.

I'm not sure this thread is helping you tbh, seems to be confusing you more and causing doubts and negatively.

My final advice is talk to your bf, meet his mum, see where he lives.

Ask HIM the hard questions confusing you when he returns, in person.  

Gauge his response, body language etc. 

All the best @Gloriousdays, I truly hope this all works out positively for you..

Ciao.

Edited September 1, 2022 by poppyfields

[ExpatInItaly]

13 minutes ago, Gloriousdays said:

That’s true …. He won’t tell me her last name

And if he were telling the truth, there would be no reason to do so. 

Your gut is talking to you here, and maybe helping you see that you have overlooked some signficant red flags along the way. 

[Starswillshine]

11 minutes ago, Gloriousdays said:

That’s true …… he said he loves Las Vegas so much … the weird thing is that he invited me to Las Vegas but I said no as I had just got a new job .. so I couldn’t really travel with him …

Not to put more holes in this... but...

 

Is it possible that he knew there wasn't a way for you to go? It was a tactic my ex used often. Invited, offered, etc knowing the other person could not/would not go/take him up on it, etc. And he got credit for it. 

He often used it. He often bragged to me about it. I just thought what he did in his professional life did not transfer to his personal life. Boy was I up for a rude awakening. 

[Starswillshine]

And as poppy has said above. There are just some people who like to cause drama and distress. There is a possibility that that is all it is. However, in this case, there seems to be some strange things going on. So you are completely right to question this and to look into it. 

The thing I learned. Asking the potential liar question means nothing. If he is a liar, he will just continue to lie. So don't bother. 

[poppyfields]

7 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

The thing I learned. Asking the potential liar question means nothing. If he is a liar, he will just continue to lie. So don't bother. 

I agree which is why it's best to ask in person so you can assess body language, facial expression, etc.

Liars can use words to deceive but body language/facial expressions are very difficult to disguise or hide. 

Lots of fidgeting, nervousness, discomfort, darting of eyes among other indicators.

Again just go to his home, meet and talk to his mom. 

At this point, it's all speculation including my opinion. 

Things are never black and white, if I've learned anything it's that. 

The truth will show its face one way or the other, it always does, or has in my experience anyway. 

 

Edited September 1, 2022 by poppyfields

[Allupinnit]

OP is your boyfriend wealthy?  Who has the kind of money/job where they can go stay in an international LV hotel for an indefinite amount of time, change his flight on a whim, even prolonging said trip because of "stress"?  Las Vegas is expensive!  Does he love gambling?  The UK is SEVERAL hours ahead of LV, you have no idea what he is doing while you're asleep.

[Gloriousdays]

2 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

OP is your boyfriend wealthy?  Who has the kind of money/job where they can go stay in an international LV hotel for an indefinite amount of time, change his flight on a whim, even prolonging said trip because of "stress"?  Las Vegas is expensive!  Does he love gambling?  The UK is SEVERAL hours ahead of LV, you have no idea what he is doing while you're asleep.

He is kind of wealthy …. He is the one who usually pays for our trips and we are always on the road ( travelling)  ….. he doesn’t gamble as far as I’m aware… that’s true he could be up to no good when I’m sleeping so I Can’t vouch for him …

[stillafool]

6 hours ago, Will am I said:

If I were him, I would want to be on the next flight home and drive straight to my girlfriend and set the records straight and fight for the relationship. The fact that he's going into the victim role again and shrinking away from your relationship has "BAD NEWS" written all over it.

I know this must be devastating and there's a big part of you that really doesn't want to hear this.

But please, be strong. Promise yourself that you will not allow yourself to be hurt by this man. Stand your ground. Know that you deserve to be treated with honesty and respect.

Yeah me too and especially to talk to my boss and make sure eveything was okay with my job.  Doesn't make sense.

[Gloriousdays]

13 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I agree which is why it's best to ask in person so you can assess body language, facial expression, etc.

Liars can use words to deceive but body language/facial expressions are very difficult to disguise or hide. 

Lots of fidgeting, nervousness, discomfort, darting of eyes among other indicators.

Again just go to his home, meet and talk to his mom. 

At this point, it's all speculation including my opinion. 

Things are never black and white, if I've learned anything it's that. 

The truth will show its face one way or the other, it always does, or has in my experience anyway. 

 

Yeah I’m not going to bring this up anymore to him … I will wait till he is here and talk to him …. I’m prepared for anything … I just want the truth no matter how painful it is …I definitely wanna go to see his house .. and see how he lives …

[Gloriousdays]

So I have question for you all … do you think I should go to his house on Friday ( tomorrow) after work before he gets back or do you think I should leave it and wait for him to come back .. ..

[Allupinnit]

4 minutes ago, Gloriousdays said:

So I have question for you all … do you think I should go to his house on Friday ( tomorrow) after work before he gets back or do you think I should leave it and wait for him to come back .. ..

I'd be posting this from his street updating LS of the comings and goings!  

[Will am I]

5 minutes ago, Gloriousdays said:

So I have question for you all … do you think I should go to his house on Friday ( tomorrow) after work before he gets back or do you think I should leave it and wait for him to come back .. ..

Go. Every passing day is killing you on the inside. Get the clarity you so desperately need.

[poppyfields]

26 minutes ago, Gloriousdays said:

So I have question for you all … do you think I should go to his house on Friday ( tomorrow) after work before he gets back or do you think I should leave it and wait for him to come back .. ..

When you say "go to his home," do you mean sit in your car in front and watch comings and goings, like a PI would do? 

Like a stake out? 

Or do you mean knock on door, see who answers, talk to person? 

Let's just say you do choose to knock on door and talk to whoever answers. 

And let's say everything checks out, or you find nothing suspicious.

No doubt whoever answers (his mom) will tell your bf, how do you think he will feel? 

Knowing his gf went behind his back to check out his living sitch and meet mum after telling you he would take you himself when he returns? 

If I were him, that would be the end right there.  It reflects a total lack of trust.

If you choose to stake his place out, better but not something I would do or recommend.

But if you do choose that route, there is no need to provide LS with "updates" of comings and goings, lord.

This is between you and your boyfriend, best to keep it that way imho. 

 

Edited September 1, 2022 by poppyfields

[Gloriousdays]

I have decided not to go anymore … I will just wait for him but if he refuses to take me to his house then I will end it…

just to confirm as well he introduced me to his personal trainer at his gym … I have been with him at the gym a few times… he is always inviting me to the gym…. 

[Will am I]

Even cheaters can offer a little bit of truth. So the gym is legit. Doesn’t say anything. Assuming the marriage theory, he simply wouldn’t have invited you if his wife exercised at the same place.

Do yourself a favor and go. It’s better to take a blow than to suffer every day.

[ExpatInItaly]

46 minutes ago, Gloriousdays said:

just to confirm as well he introduced me to his personal trainer at his gym … I have been with him at the gym a few times… he is always inviting me to the gym…. 

You have to ask yourself what sort of relationship you're in when, after 1.5 years,  the only people in his life that you have met are one friend, and a random personal trainer. 

 

[Starswillshine]

All of this seems fishy. You have a met a DJ friend and a PT. But no one else from his life. His social media has 0 post. He travels a good bit. He has some weird hangup about giving his mom's name. And now someone is claiming that he is married. 

I would say, trust your man IF there was not all this other BS. You have been together for 1.5 years, and haven't met other people, haven't been to his house, etc... there seems to be at least some smoke, so good to investigate if there is fire. 

[S2B]

1 hour ago, Gloriousdays said:

I have decided not to go anymore … I will just wait for him but if he refuses to take me to his house then I will end it…

just to confirm as well he introduced me to his personal trainer at his gym … I have been with him at the gym a few times… he is always inviting me to the gym…. 

Meeting someone he trains with at the gym has no bearing on whether or not he’s in another committed relationship.

even if you break it off - you still won’t have the info you wanted to ease your mind.

do something when he gets back that either proves or disproves he’s married.

tell him you’re coming to his place. Look around - see if there are photos or indications that a woman lives there.

if he can’t have you come to his place - that tells you everything is wrong with this scenario.

[BrinnM]

I would totally drive to his house and sit in front of it until somebody walks in or out of it. Just saying.

[Bubble_20]

What I find refreshing OP about this thread is how you have interacted with the replies. Time and time again we see people post a question, seeking advice support and experience from those who have been through similar only to reject the advice and appear to be total denial. You have thoughtfully considered what’s been said and reflected on a way to move forward without the usual backpedaling and making excuses.

I would like to throw in my two pence for what’s it worth. Years ago, I was in a casual relationship with a bloke for around two years. I lived in a run down rental property that even my own family were never really invited to (they came once in six years!.  I was embarrassed and would always spend nights around his. He never met my family and I never met his. There were a couple of reasons for this. 
1) although he was a lovely bloke I wasn’t sure about where I wanted the relationship to go. Formally introducing him seemed a bit risky and unfair when I was vacillating between my feelings for him. 
2) my dad is a strange man, incredibly critical and opinionated. I dreaded even going for a beer with us all and totally putting my BF off altogether.

My family kind of knew I was seeing someone but I was always vague and non committal about us getting together although I always said yeah sure we’ll go out for dinner at some point.  
The relationship ended on mutual terms but it was definitely me putting up walls that did it.

Having said that, my bf knew where I lived (although I only allowed him to stay over once). We went on holidays together and spent news year etc on nights away. But I never told my parents where I was and cagey, vague and secretive. Unbelievably he was laid back and accepted this as ‘giving me space’. We’d have a few too many drinks and the subject would come up but I’d bat it away and he went along with it. We had great times together but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to live with him or move it up. Despite the time spent together.

it’s weird and rare but yes sometimes people are soooo private it’s beyond mental!

as to this odd email you received, I guess you’ll find out soon. It’s perplexing that’s for sure.

I hope things work out for you x

 

Edited September 1, 2022 by Bubble_20

[Estes]

5 hours ago, Gloriousdays said:

I have decided not to go anymore … I will just wait for him but if he refuses to take me to his house then I will end it…

[ ] The world is full of messed up, deceptive, manipulative, opportunistic people that will take advantage of others given the chance. 

When I deal with people in my life, on both a personal and business nature, I don't take crap from them unless for some reason I am better off keeping my mouth shut. I take extra precautions in my life to minimize the chances that I will be taken advantage of in some way, I'm slow to trust and quick to pull the trigger at the sign of a problem.

If I was in your position, and things weren't adding up, and red flags were flying in the breeze, and I wasn't getting answers to my questions, I wouldn't wait 5 freaking minutes. I'd be doing anything and everything to find out what the heck is going on, including but not limited to getting my ass over there and knocking on the door.

Your decision to "wait and see what he says" is a passive, non-way of dealing with a potentially huge problem that can, and probably will have a devastating effect on your life. Why leave it up to him any longer?

You KNOW there's a problem here. Go find out exactly what it is, sooner rather than later, on YOUR terms. I'd have as much information as possible BEFORE he's back in town.

The best defense is a good offense.

 

 

 

Edited September 1, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility