I received an email saying that my bf has a wife

[Wiseman2]

23 hours ago, Gloriousdays said:

 ….. just to be clear he arranged for me to meet his mum before I received the email ….

The most useful thing you can do is refuse to allow him at your house until you see his. 

Ring size is sound-alike talk, it's another red flag. Talking about moving in together is yet another, when you haven't even seen where or how he lives.

Meeting his mother is useless, so are drive bys and stake outs.

This email is something that rightfully piqued your suspension about never seeing where he lives or meeting real people in his life.

Is he married? Who knows. Google won't tell you that. Nor will stake outs or meeting his mother.

Look at the red flags as they are. Secrecy. Fake sound-alike talk such as your ring size. Hiding his home. Frequent unexplained travel.

Whatever it is, it's not good news.

[seapebbles]

I just finished reading the entire thread and I'm on pins and needles to hear what OP has discovered.

 Something is definitely amiss. I hope it isn't the worst case scenario. 

My opinion, I wouldn't consider moving in with someone without having been to their house and seen how they live. It's time you learned the details of his life outside of your relationship. Will you be able to handle a crazy ex if she is constantly intruding on your relationship? I know from experience it isn't easy.

[Tullyseptember]

I would be really upset to receive an email from someone asking if I knew my boyfriend had a wife!  The person drops this tidbit then disappears?!  That would upset me further!

The explanation from the boyfriend seems somewhat suspicious to me, like he's doing damage control and it seems to me the truth and the whole truth may never be known!

 

 

[Lisa]

This thread has been continuing without the OP and content which is off topic, conjecture and debates has been removed.  

[S2B]

Is the plan still for you to meet his Mom? The 11th is only a few days away now.

[Gloriousdays]

2 hours ago, S2B said:

Is the plan still for you to meet his Mom? The 11th is only a few days away now.

Yeah I’m still meeting his mum on Sunday … well I hope so …. So I will definitely be updating on Sunday to let you know how it goes … we are also planning on moving in together once I have met his mum …. 

[ExpatInItaly]

40 minutes ago, Gloriousdays said:

Yeah I’m still meeting his mum on Sunday … well I hope so …. So I will definitely be updating on Sunday to let you know how it goes … we are also planning on moving in together once I have met his mum …. 

So has he returned from Vegas? 

If so, I assume you haven’t been to his house yet? 

[Gloriousdays]

Just now, ExpatInItaly said:

So has he returned from Vegas? 

If so, I assume you haven’t been to his house yet? 

No I didn’t go as we are planning to meet with his mum on Sunday and then go to his house… yeah he is back from Las Vegas….

[Wiseman2]

42 minutes ago, Gloriousdays said:

Yeah I’m still meeting his mum on Sunday … well I hope so ….  … we are also planning on moving in together once I have met his mum …. 

This seems like nothing has changed. He still won't let you see how/where he lives? Meeting his mother was planned before so? What do you mean by "moving in together"?  You move in with him and his mother or you allow him to move in with you before you even see how he lives?

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, Gloriousdays said:

No I didn’t go as we are planning to meet with his mum on Sunday and then go to his house… yeah he is back from Las Vegas….

And what was his excuse for not immediately clearing up this issue of who he lives with? 

 

[Gloriousdays]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

This seems like nothing has changed. He still won't let you see how/where he lives? Meeting his mother was planned before so? What do you mean by "moving in together"?  You move in with him and his mother or you allow him to move in with you before you even see how he lives?

So basically I’m going to meet his mum for a meal on Sunday and then go to his house … I’m not going to move in with him until I have gone to his house ….

[Will am I]

2 hours ago, Gloriousdays said:

Yeah I’m still meeting his mum on Sunday … well I hope so …. So I will definitely be updating on Sunday to let you know how it goes … we are also planning on moving in together once I have met his mum …. 

There seem to be so many red flags. His mum that you still haven't met (and are only allowed to meet when he's around), that's just one of the flags.

Did you see his home? Did you do some online research? Did you push for more plausible explanations about the "crazy ex GF using his last name"?

 

[Despin]

2 hours ago, Gloriousdays said:

So basically I’m going to meet his mum for a meal on Sunday and then go to his house … I’m not going to move in with him until I have gone to his house ….

They way you are handling this situation- or NOT handling it- is almost more troubling than whatever is really going on with him.

You're going to run into a lot of adversity in life, a lot of deception and manipulation. Some of these people you will have the misfortune to be in relationships with. You need to be a heck of a lot less passive and as the expression goes "make your own luck".

This matter should have been resolved a long time ago, by you being proactive and not letting him to continue calling all the shots.

Don't be surprised when mom is suddenly "sick" on the day of the intended meeting. He'll stretch this out as long as possible and it appears he's got plenty of leeway.

 

Edited September 9, 2022 by Despin

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Gloriousdays said:

I’m not going to move in with him until I have gone to his house ….

Sure, because that is the only concern here…

I wouldn’t move in with a man who refused to talk to me and couldn’t give me a straight answer about whether he is in fact married, or not.

Edited September 9, 2022 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, Gloriousdays said:

Yeah I’m still meeting his mum on Sunday … well I hope so …. So I will definitely be updating on Sunday to let you know how it goes … we are also planning on moving in together once I have met his mum …. 

It doesn't sound like you're even sure you're going to meet his mom on Sunday; yet you're planning on moving in together once you do.  Is he asking you to move in with him and his mom, or where?  How did that conversation come about in the midst of all of this?  

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Gloriousdays said:

So basically I’m going to meet his mum for a meal on Sunday and then go to his house … I’m not going to move in with him until I have gone to his house ….

If he lives with his mother, why do you have to meet them separately "and then" go to his house? I'm sorry, this is not good news whether he lives in his car, with another woman, whatever. He is still sticking to the nonsensical "you have to meet my mother first" rule.

[SingFish]

3 hours ago, Gloriousdays said:

So basically I’m going to meet his mum for a meal on Sunday and then go to his house … I’m not going to move in with him until I have gone to his house ….

I hope you have a nice time. If you're unsure though don't move in, I don't think I could live with someone's mother. 

[Versacehottie]

What is the source of his "wealth"? Idk, there are so many things that don't add up here AT ALL. You are putting your head in the sand. Frankly (sorry), it would be easy to manipulate you and lie to you due to how you manage things. Also no one goes to Vegas for 3 weeks, lol.  Lol, I'm speaking in absolutes so of course that means I'm half-exaggerating but yeah no one goes to Vegas for 3 weeks...You should ask to see emails or tickets that prove the trip (airline flights, hotel receipts).

He could say he lives with his mom but actually live in your town with the wife, gf, whomever somewhere other than his mom's and pop in and out of her place. You definitely are not getting the whole story at all. If he's back and not actively addressing this and you are not actively dealing with it, that's a problem. Meeting his mom on Sunday is not really going to change much. Um and I can't even believe moving in with him is on the agenda. There is way too much wrong here.  I'm pretty certain you are going to seriously get hurt (emotionally) and be duped. I think you are wasting your time with him. Agree way too passive about everything. I'm sorry but you need to face it head on.

[S2B]

7 hours ago, Gloriousdays said:

So basically I’m going to meet his mum for a meal on Sunday and then go to his house … I’m not going to move in with him until I have gone to his house ….

But why would you even discuss it with him when he hasn’t shown you where that is/what that looks like?

is he a future faker to keep you coming around?

why not just go over there tonight? I don’t understand why he keeps you at a distance from his home life - and why you accept that as normal?

 

your situation does read like you are the OW.

Edited September 9, 2022 by S2B

[Alpacalia]

9 hours ago, Gloriousdays said:

we are also planning on moving in together once I have met his mum …. 

Well that's a strange turn of events.

Despite my reluctance to do so, I'm going to say it.

Did you send the mysterious email to move things along in the relationship or to discover whether he is truly married?

 

[poppyfields]

OP, not to discount what others have suggested and advised as far as questioning him, demanding receipts, airline tickets etc, but my advice is if you are so distrustful of him to do all that, just end it.

Honestly, I see nothing to be gained from all the questioning, demanding receipts and making him prove he’s not married, etc other than adding more toxicity to an already toxic situation.

Trust is the cornerstone of all relationships, healthy ones anyway.

The way I see this, you have two choices.

1.       Either believe when he tells you he’s not married, meet his mom, see where and how he lives, pay close attention to his actions (and words), make sure they match and make your determination re his marital status based on that, OR

2.       Break up with him.

Interrogating him, demanding evidence, making him prove himself serve no good purpose imo.  Relationships are not prisons, you are not his warden (or worse his mother) you are a girlfriend.

As a girlfriend, you trust him.  IF you don’t (and frankly there’s plenty of evidence here leaning towards NOT trusting him), then you break up with him.

I know I am in the minority on this, but I do NOT believe in snooping, spying, checking phone, questioning, demanding evidence/proof he was where he said he was or anything else.  Doing so would be a huge turn off to ME (and to him as well no doubt), I would feel like his mother or interrogator, and that is NOT how I want to feel when in a relationship with my boyfriend, or now marriage with my husband.

I either trust him or I’m OUT.

Edited September 9, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
argumentative

[Alvi]

OP, why do you want to move in with this guy? You don't know anything about him at all. You are not even sure if he is single, lol. At least have a good exit plan beforehand, in case things don't work out.

27 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I either trust him or I’m OUT.

Yes, life of snooping and confronting him is not going to be much fun. I actually agree with this statement. Either you can trust him or you should leave in case that you can't.  You have plenty of things to distrust him. But what reasons do you have to trust him so far? Did he give you any? Going to have a dinner with his mother is not going to magically make all your doubts go away.

[SingFish]

I thought I already responded, maybe I missed hitting post! but I just wish to say @Gloriousdays that your boyfriend has shown he is extremely attached to his mother, which is probably something to accept for a marriage-type relationship. In many cultures it is a given, but not so much in the US, it may be something he is embarrassed about even. See how you feel when you've met her and seen them together. You are very determined for this relationship to work, so it probably will, be sure you know what you are committing to though. A life-long battle between mother and wife for a son's affection is not uncommon but it's not for me.

[Wiseman2]

22 hours ago, Gloriousdays said:

 I’m not going to move in with him until I have gone to his house.

That's good. However you also need to stop being a free BnB for him. It's understandable with the time you've invested and the nonrefundable money you spent on an upcoming trip together, that you would like all your doubts to go away.

Yes that email was unsettling but it also helped you see how bizarre it is to know nothing about someone you're seeing for over a year.

There's no good that can come from "blind trust". There's so many real red flags here, even without this email happening, there are reasons to see what you're actually getting into here. For example, cutting your losses sooner rather than later with someone who seems not to be forthcoming about anything.

Talk about ring sizes and moving in together means nothing. What does mean something is his evasiveness in general.

This isn't about the validity or virtues of googling or not googling. It's about the simple obvious red flags of never seeing his place, meeting any of his people or knowing anything about him.

Edited September 10, 2022 by Wiseman2

[smackie9]

OK so this all started with an email...If I was a wife busting my husband, I wouldn't send a stupid email to the OW, I would seek her out and tell her myself in person. Ex GF? I can see it, because she can easily figure out her ex's passwords and get into his email. Just go to his house and check it out...it could be nothing.