Turan26 Posted August 30, 2022 Share Posted August 30, 2022 Hi Eveyone, I would like to thank and welcome everyone who came to read my story and I appreciate every comment, shared experience or advice. I met my girlfriend online and we started a long distance relationship. We promised each other commitment at a very early stage and also we both felt that we met that special person. We were talking every day, growing closer, and after 6 months of talking we met in person and went for a trip. We had a great time. However, I had a suspicion. And as much as Im ashamed to admit it, but I looked into her phone, since I wanted to make sure if she never lied to me, because I really meant things serious with her. This is when I saw some very strange things. Before we met online, both of us chatted with other people obviously. While I cut the connection from everyone when we met online and made clear to all the girls that Im in relationship and having someone, she did not do that. Till we met in person, she kept in secret our relationship. When other guys who she met before me texted her, she did not say that she has found me and that we will meet. As a matter of fact she told them, that she felt bad that these guys disappeared on them. As a matter of fact, she even agreed to meet one of her local ex crush, who she met before me. I saw a message 2 months after we met, where they agreed on a coffee date to meet. And even after this time, if any of his guy friends asked her, she did not say that she has found a boyfriend, she blamed them for disappearing and when one guy asked if he still has a chance, she replied yes. I was really disappointed to see her messages, as I had her in really high regards. She told me that she had a romantic interest before me. Nothing happened between them, it was only interest and few meetings. And I would not have obviously problem with that, as it was before me. But I saw the messages, that they were still in contact 2 and half months of us meeting each other, and she never mentioned me that. She told me that they were seeing each other a year before we met, but in the messages they were talking 2 months after our meeting and they were talking about planning a meeting. I read all the message, both of them initiated the conversation, both of them initiated the meeting (not just once) and both of them agreed to meet. Now, why would someone want to meet an ex-crush? And another things I noticed: for some reason these 2 do not follow each other on social media anymore. So at one time they are arranging a meeting and few months later they both delete each other as contact? She was so much "in love" with me even when we were talking only, I did not expect her to brag about me to others obviously, but I thought that she would give a: "Hey I am fine, and I have found somebody who I really like" instead of: "Hey, you disappeared on me, but okay we might meet someday". And the other guy who texted her 3 months after we got to know each other, asked if she has found someone, and if still has a chance, and she jokingly responded that: you disappeared on me, but yes you have. When I asked about this, she said that this guy is just a local friend and was only messing around, talking jokingly with him. I felt bad of invading her privacy, but I wanted answers from her. I asked why she denied our relationship, and she said that she did not want to make people jealous and her family advised her to not to talk about me. After we met of course, she started putting up pictures of us, and finally claiming me her boyfriend, but I was still confused of why she did not want to do that before. I also asked her, that why she wanted to meet others since we know each other. She said that those messages were old, but they were not since the date on the message was clear, they were after we already met. And also said that the guys are only friends. Now, I dont believe in women and men friendship, and even if it was, she still did not tell me anything about it. Because when we were texting she did not mention anything about others, and she said that she only wants me and is in love with me. I would understand if she was for example afraid of us never meeting, or me disappearing on her as many guys did before to her, so maybe this is why she wanted to keep guys around. I would even forgive, since it was in the earlier stages of our commitment. But still.. I feel that I was lied to, and all those ideal months when we were only online couple are spoiled for me, because I feel she was not honest. I cannot trust her now. Even thought she apparently had nothing romantic or sexual relationship with anyone, but still, those messages, the proposal of meeting and keeping our bond in secret makes me sad and suspicious. I really dont want to be paranoic and also I want to trust her. But when I try to discuss this with her, she gets angry, tries to accuse me as well of distrust and me hiding something too. SHe told me that she only loves me, that she never had any feeling for anyone since we talk and that it is not nice of me not trusting her and accusing her. I just wanted an explanation and now our relationship which started so perfect is in a wreck. I want to believe her, but the text messages show something different. Even if they are no huge lies, as she had no intimacy with anyone, but still I feel that she was not honest. I feel like she was not sure about me or our relationship. How am I supposed to trust again after this? She returned home, and we will see each other again only in 6 months. She admitted, that her only mistake was not opening up our relationship, and she asked forgiveness about it. And since we met in person which was few weeks ago, she has been posting me everywhere on social media. She also claims that she never intended to cheat behind my back and she had no interest in anyone. But still, the messages are there and they are more than confusing. I dont know what should I do. Thank you for reading and the advices. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted August 30, 2022 Share Posted August 30, 2022 How often do you plan to see each other? Twice in a year every six months? Your ego is hurt and your feelings along with feeling disappointed. Where do you see this going? Think big picture here. The challenge of dating online and long distance is exactly this. It seems fine in theory until it isn’t. Hasn’t this experience taught you that you can’t know someone until you spend significant amount of time with them? Despite this she’s come clean about it and seems loyal to you. You both weren’t on the same page earlier. Don’t get caught up in the nitty gritty. Really ask yourself what you’re doing getting involved with someone seemingly a world away whom you see so infrequently. What’s the plan? Would one of you move? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Turan26 Posted August 30, 2022 Author Share Posted August 30, 2022 4 minutes ago, glows said: How often do you plan to see each other? Twice in a year every six months? Your ego is hurt and your feelings along with feeling disappointed. Where do you see this going? Think big picture here. The challenge of dating online and long distance is exactly this. It seems fine in theory until it isn’t. Hasn’t this experience taught you that you can’t know someone until you spend significant amount of time with them? Despite this she’s come clean about it and seems loyal to you. You both weren’t on the same page earlier. Don’t get caught up in the nitty gritty. Really ask yourself what you’re doing getting involved with someone seemingly a world away whom you see so infrequently. What’s the plan? Would one of you move? Hi! Thank you for the answer. Yes, the plan was that she will move to my house in 2 years. We really meant it seriously. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted August 30, 2022 Share Posted August 30, 2022 3 minutes ago, Turan26 said: Hi! Thank you for the answer. Yes, the plan was that she will move to my house in 2 years. We really meant it seriously. All you can do is use the wait and see approach and determine whether you’re comfortable or trust this person as you get to know her. If you do choose to continue dating, it’s counterproductive to keep distrusting your partner so hopefully you both overcome this. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 30, 2022 Share Posted August 30, 2022 (edited) During this period before you met face to face, had the two of you agreed that you would not be seeing others? Or did you assume she was not dating others? I noted you wrote that you don't believe in male-female friendship. While the two of you may be able to compromise (perhaps she won't see any ex's on their own), what will happen to other men who she's friends with? For example, are you OK if she's hanging out with and talking with male friends in a group setting such as a party? Naturally, the expectation here is that she would not be flirting with them. I think the issue is bigger than the fact she talked to other men before the two of you met face to face, and I'm not convinced she's cut out for a long distance relationship. Not everybody is! Roll it back a bit and thing about how this is going to work and if you will both get your needs met. How far apart are the two of you and how often will you be able to see each other face to face? Edited August 30, 2022 by basil67 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 31, 2022 Share Posted August 31, 2022 (edited) The problem is that you two have made big commitments to each other when you actually didn't know each other. And it sounds like you still don't know each other that well. You have discovered that your values and expectations are totally different. And given that you can hardly see each other? The trust issues are only going to get worse, and in my opinion, won't be worth it. I would be more realistic with myself and see that this isn't likely to work out. I'm sorry. Stick to women you can meet promptly in person, and don't commit yourself before you actually get to know them. Edited August 31, 2022 by ExpatInItaly 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Estes Posted August 31, 2022 Share Posted August 31, 2022 So you got off to a bad start. She ultimately accepted you as her boyfriend and you're all over her social media. It took her a bit longer to come around, now she's here and you're blowing it all up. Everybody lies. This one is understandable. Either accept it, get over it, or move on. If you do none of those things, she will ultimately give up on you, for good reason. Link to post Share on other sites
JakeT Posted August 31, 2022 Share Posted August 31, 2022 (edited) 3 hours ago, Estes said: I can’t understand how you can have a long distance relationship. From the start, Not meeting that person in person You can’t look into there eyes an face to see if they. Are tell you story or not. What do you get out of a relationship where you don’t spend time together. Go to the movies, have dinner together. Do thing. That getting to know someone. Not what they are telling you over a app. She playing you. She in contact other old BF. When dating there is no contact with the ex on both sides. Committed relationship is like marriage. No outsiders Edited August 31, 2022 by JakeT 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Estes Posted August 31, 2022 Share Posted August 31, 2022 45 minutes ago, JakeT said: I can’t understand how you can have a long distance relationship. From the start, Not meeting that person in person You can’t look into there eyes an face to see if they. It's not real until you meet but for some it's all they got. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted September 1, 2022 Share Posted September 1, 2022 There are no guarantees in life especially with relationships. Just do the best you can...if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted September 2, 2022 Share Posted September 2, 2022 She’s not that into you - and she is keeping her options open. does she work? Can she support herself? What country is she living? Link to post Share on other sites
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