Falling for my best friend's partner

[MissMorningstar]

 I’ve been very close with my bff (30F) and her partner (31M) for 8 years. They’ve been together for 15 years. One of the enjoyable aspects of our friendship has been that  both she and I are bisexual and we often have sex 1-1. I’ve always enjoyed the dynamic of our friendship and the fact that my bisexual desires are fulfilled through my best friend. She is always the one who initiates sex which I’m always up for, she’s affectionate and often expresses “I love you” during sex all of which her partner is cool with.

Last year the 3 of us ended up having a threesome which she also initiated. It was an hours long ordeal without limits and there was a great deal of intimacy between her partner and I. No protection, kissing, oral, penetration. There were a few other moments of intimacy between the three of us which she orchestrated. Ever since then, he and I have been sleeping together 1-1 behind her back (quite literally behind her back, in their place while she’s asleep).

The first time he and i had sex 1-1 I didn’t know it was an issue given he initiated it, we were in such close proximity to her (in the living room while she slept) and I assumed it was part of their sexuality. Not to mention she and I have sex 1-1 whenever she wants. However his desire for me was intense and overwhelming I questioned whether he wanted to keep her in the dark. I later found out indirectly that she would consider it cheating if he were to initiate sex with me on his own and that she is only okay with it  if she initiates a threesome.

So I had to sit with the fact that I betrayed my best friend, not only this but during sex he repeatedly told me he loves me. Believe it or not I thought this might not be an issue because we always express this as friends and she also expresses this when we’re intimate 1-1. Truthfully I was taken a back and didn’t know how to interpret it.

Well things have progressed since then as we’ve continued to have sex and our feelings have grown and I’m suddenly overwhelmed with this attachment toward him. The last time we were intimate it was just wonderful. We laid together afterward with his arms around me and be repeatedly told me he loves me. I repeatedly said it back.

The desire is mind blowing, I’ve never enjoyed a man the way I do with him and it is such a precious thing to essentially make love to someone who’s been dear do me for so long. He’s satisfying something in me that is causing me to feel I need him around. There’s so much care between us and for the first time ever I feel 100% safe with a man.

I’ve since spent most of the day crying and reminiscing. Crying because these feelings have no place in our lives. 

The thing is, I don’t have bad intentions. I don’t want a relationship with him. I want to honour their relationship but also express my love and affection toward him. But if she knew we had slept together behind her back or if she knew that I’m becoming attached to him it would tear her apart and tear all of us apart as well.

Edited August 30, 2022 by MissMorningstar

[mark clemson]

Bummer.

Assuming this story is real, it seems like you should have talked it through with her right when it first happened.

Now it's almost certainly going to feel like a MAJOR betrayal to her when she finds out (and it sounds very much like she'll find out sooner or later whether you tell her or not). I find it surprising that she hasn't figured it out already (or at least have an inkling something might be going on with you two, given how close all of you apparently are).

One option (and to be clear, IMO there are no "good" options here) would be for you and him to start a relationship. That way at least you two get to be together. But you say you don't want that.

I'd say in all likelihood your friend is going to be crushed by this, whenever/however she finds out, and depart from both of your lives. If you had told her right at the start things might have been salvageable.

Sad, but these things happen. C'est la vie.

[BaileyB]

Deleted, I see that she does not want him to be in a sexual relationship with you. A true polyamorous relationship is apparently not an option. 

If you can not suppress your feelings, you will have to distance yourself. At the very least, you should stop having sex with the man if you want to keep these relationships. 

Edited August 30, 2022 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, MissMorningstar said:

I don’t want a relationship with him.

Yes, actually you do. However you know the solution. Distance yourself from both of them. No more threesomes, sleepovers etc. It has crossed into an undesired area. Consider finding your own BF.

[MissMorningstar]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes, actually you do. However you know the solution. Distance yourself from both of them. No more threesomes, sleepovers etc. It has crossed into an undesired area. Consider finding your own BF.

I’m new to this site so not sure if I’m replying correctly but I actually don’t want a relationship. I don’t want a boyfriend at all, with him or otherwise. I don’t want to possess him. I don’t want him to be “mine”. I want them to have what they have and I want our  relationships to remain what they are I just want to be intimate him without her orchestration. 

[MissMorningstar]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

Bummer.

Assuming this story is real, it seems like you should have talked it through with her right when it first happened.

Now it's almost certainly going to feel like a MAJOR betrayal to her when she finds out (and it sounds very much like she'll find out sooner or later whether you tell her or not). I find it surprising that she hasn't figured it out already (or at least have an inkling something might be going on with you two, given how close all of you apparently are).

One option (and to be clear, IMO there are no "good" options here) would be for you and him to start a relationship. That way at least you two get to be together. But you say you don't want that.

I'd say in all likelihood your friend is going to be crushed by this, whenever/however she finds out, and depart from both of your lives. If you had told her right at the start things might have been salvageable.

Sad, but these things happen. C'est la vie.

Yes this story is real. As for her not catching on, the last time we were together he did mention that he thinks she’s becoming suspicious because of some things I’ve said about him (I had an emotional moment recently and broke down crying due to the history of trauma with men and I mentioned that I appreciate him for being the only man who has been kind and caring toward me). I think I’ve said a few other things about his character and she may have a sense that I have feelings for him I’m not sure.

I don’t want a relationship with him i just wish it was okay to sleep with him 1-1 just like she and I do when she desires it.

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, MissMorningstar said:

I don’t want him to be “mine”.  I just want to be intimate him without her orchestration. 

This is quite a bit polyamory-speak and mental gymnastics for saying you want one-on-one sex with a friend's BF without her knowledge.

[MissMorningstar]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

This is quite a bit polyamory-speak and mental gymnastics for saying you want one-on-one sex with a friend's BF without her knowledge.

I’m not sure I understand what you mean. I just want to be able to be intimate with him 1-1 just like I am with her whenever she desires it.

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, MissMorningstar said:

I just want to be able to be intimate with him 1-1 just like I am with her whenever she desires it.

Ask her if she is ok with it. That's the only dignified way to carry on.

Keep in mind, she will find out and this will implode on you. Also keep in mind you are the most expendable party in this triad.

[stillafool]

5 minutes ago, MissMorningstar said:

I’m not sure I understand what you mean. I just want to be able to be intimate with him 1-1 just like I am with her whenever she desires it.

Well if you tell her you have been having sex with her bf behind her back she'll break up with him and then you and him can have as much sex as you like.  You should do it.  Seems like the perfect solution.

[BaileyB]

27 minutes ago, MissMorningstar said:

I want them to have what they have and I want our  relationships to remain what they are I just want to be intimate him without her orchestration. 

That’s not an option. Unless you ask and she agrees, that’s not an option. 

There are very few boundaries in this manage a trois but your friend has clearly tried to establish one boundary - and you have not respected that. If you want to keep these relationships, you will need to respect the boundary that she has tried to establish or you will need to distance yourself. 

Edited August 30, 2022 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Keep in mind, she will find out and this will implode on you.

Yeah you should come clean to her since you're her best friend.  He already said she's suspicious so it's only a matter of time before she finds out. She's probably already looking for evidence and will probably pressure him to confess.  You don't want your best friend thinking that her boyfriend is the man of her dreams when he's having sex with her best friend do you?  Suppose it was you?

Edited August 30, 2022 by stillafool

[BaileyB]

She really does have a right to know that her boyfriend and her best friend are not who say they are - 

[SingFish]

I think people need an ethical non-monogamy therapist to negotiate stuff like this...hope it all ends happily @MissMorningstar

[basil67]

9 hours ago, MissMorningstar said:

I’m not sure I understand what you mean. I just want to be able to be intimate with him 1-1 just like I am with her whenever she desires it.

Of course, we can't always have what we want.... 

[mark clemson]

20 hours ago, MissMorningstar said:

I don’t want a relationship with him i just wish it was okay to sleep with him 1-1 just like she and I do when she desires it.

As pointed out, you can ask for this. Might/might not happen. Polyamory has rules and it sounds like this is one of their rules. Those rules were there for a reason, and (so far as I understand it) when a poly person is betrayed by the person who they see as their primary partner, they tend to be just as upset as monogamous folks. Same goes for strong friends as well, of course.

I do suspect that in your case what's happened comes out eventually one way or another, unfortunately. You and he made an error in judgement. IF it had been addressed right away, that would have had a much higher possibility of it being forgiven. Now it's become a "practice" by you two and forgiveness is IMO quite unlikely.

Edited August 31, 2022 by mark clemson

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think you can call yourself her best friend anymore. 

What you are doing is the opposite, and your life will blow up if this comes out. And it sounds like it's indeed going to come out, given that she's raised suspicion with him and you two are not being that discreet. You have no choice but to keep going and deal with the fall-out, or do the right thing and stop. 

You are not going to be able to have your cake and eat it, whatever the case. So, it would be a good idea to put that idea to rest and start dealing with the reality of the enormous betrayal you are committing here. 

[Starswillshine]

In your further replies, it seems you have some anger towards your "bff".