Am I wrong for being this upset?

[agawam25]

Hello all, I'll try to be brief.

My SO and I have found ourselves in between things this summer — she has an ill family member she wanted to take care of so we've spent a couple of months with her family.

In the meantime I got a really good job offer that is a step up in my career, and we agreed to move together to another city for it. She freelances and objectively the move wouldn't hurt her much. On the contrary, I am of the belief that a little bit of distance from everyday issues her folks have (health-wise, mostly, and nothing too serious) might do her good.

However this morning she surprised me by saying that instead of the move she prefered to go visit her best friend who lives in a different country altogether, and that she'd like us to postpone the move until she goes to see him.

Now before you start thinking, there was never anything even remotely romantic betwen them. However, the guy despises me. He is extremely disrespectful to me, won't even say hi when he sees me, and he behaves as if he'd rather I didn't exist.

I was always polite to him because he matters so much to her. But all day today I've been feeling like crap because right when I got my big break and I was supposed to begin a new chapter with my partner, she prioritized him pretty much out of the blue. After getting upset at this I calmed down and tried to talk to her about it but each time she just got defensive and started yelling.

I can't figure out whether I'm exaggerating in my reaction, but to be honest I feel extremely disrespected. To clarify, I refused to move to the company HQ and asked if I could do the job from an office that's closer to where out folks live and her business interests are precisely because I wanted her to be able to visit her family while also not messing up her career. We also chose a city that is actually amazing and quite an upgrade compared to where we lived so far. She has been semi-passively complaining about the move, but each time I asked her to tell me if she didn't want to move she kept convincing that she did etc.

And then this whole thing with visiting her friend happened that sideswept me this morning.

She knows how much this matters to me yet she said she needed to do something on her own, and that I was failing to acknowledge her needs. This is in conflict with me knowing that for weeks now I tried so hard to make sure she doesn't even feel the move, taking on the necessary paperwork, finding us a place etc. while constantly communicating with her about any of her dillemas or misgivings.

How is visiting a friend a) right when we needed to begin our life anew and b) knowing he is horribly disrespectful to me - something I've been asking her to address for some time now - a reasonable thing to want to do at this very moment?

I am stumped. Please advise.

Edited August 31, 2022 by agawam25
Typos etc.

[basil67]

What I'm seeing here is a lack of boundaries on your part.  Even before the move became an issue, she should not have put you in a position of having her friend be rude to you.  But she did do it and you went along with this disrespect "for her".   That's not a sign of love - it's a sign of you allowing her to walk all over you.

Now that the move is happening, it's time for you to find those boundaries.  She either comes with you as planned or the relationship ends.

Is this the same women who was abusive to you last year?   

[ExpatInItaly]

None of this sounds very good, OP. 

First of all, I am surprised she would continue to be "best friends" with someone who is so rude to you. That right there says something about her, unless you're leaving out a big part of the story. 

Secondly, she doesn't seem that enthused about this move. You say she's been passively griping about it, and now wants to postpone it. You might want to read between the lines there.

I would take a step back and ask yourself what the long-term viability really is here. It appears there are problems that run much deeper than this specific issue. 

[agawam25]

[ ] 

There's really nothing to obfuscate regarding her friend. He is a selfish manchild who lacks self-awareness, and she constantly justifies his behavior as just his social ineptitude and believes he might be "autistic" (although he is not diagnosed). The two of them are colleagues and were spending more time working on things together before our relationship, which she claims is the main reason for his behavior towards me. A more paranoid view of things would be that she must have trashed me to him, friend to friend, and that some of his negative disposition towards me comes from that. But I have no proof of that and besides, I'm not sold that's the problem. I think he's jealous, and in some platonic way, he wishes she'd pay more attention to him.

I've tried talking to her about this a number of times -- clearly stating I don't want her to end the friendship since it matters so much to her -- asking her only to have a heart-to-heart with him and explain that the way he is treating me is unacceptable and that he needs to work on it because it's basically very toxic to have a person like that so close to you. I mean, the two are in constant communication. They sometimes talk (via messaging apps) all day. It just seems so unhealthy.

I have never confronted him or made him feel awkward about his behavior as a favor to her. But this is really a red flag for me. She’s a highly-intelligent woman and I simply can’t understand how it’s possible for her not to see that a) not addressing that issue for so long has created a sense of animosity in me towards her friend, b) saying oh I want to do something on my own and for myself and go visit him right as we were supposed to move would make me feel unimportant and disrespected.

Edited August 31, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
response to removed content

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been together? Are you legally married? Your relationship seems quite strained so moving somewhere else together is a bad idea. She is clearly not on board with it.  Maybe this is the fork in the road you two have needed for a long time.

[mark clemson]

It's not particularly helpful to YOUR goals and desires. However, she has her own goals and desires. It sounds like she either doesn't understand how much this bothers you or possibly doesn't care.

One option would be to press the issue with her; another would be to let it slide. Sometimes compromising helps avoid turning something that's not a HUGE big deal into a bigger issue than it is. I don't know which path you should take, although you do sound "fed up" with things as they stand (WRT the friend).

If you are just looking for "opinions" mine is essentially neutral as this just seems to be an issue you disagree on.

I'm going to take your statement there's nothing romantic between them at face value. Keep in mind that people have been surprised by this before (in fact that probably happens all the time). Visiting another man sounds like a pretty strong "friendship" to me. But you seem pretty sure.

IF you TRULY find the situation intolerable, then I think she should not visit the friend, as you are her husband and so your feelings should "count for more" than her friend's, and there is nothing wrong with her compromising (by giving up this visit that distresses you so much) since she has been allowed to visit him in the past and might be at some future point when it's less problematic for you.

[basil67]

13 hours ago, agawam25 said:

I've tried talking to her about this a number of times -- clearly stating I don't want her to end the friendship since it matters so much to her -- asking her only to have a heart-to-heart with him and explain that the way he is treating me is unacceptable and that he needs to work on it because it's basically very toxic to have a person like that so close to you. I mean, the two are in constant communication. They sometimes talk (via messaging apps) all day. It just seems so unhealthy

Again, this speaks to poor boundaries on your side.  While it's unfortunate that this conversation was required, it should only be had ONCE.  Failure on her part to address this disrespect to you after a conversation should turn this into a deal breaker....but instead, you keep trying to get her to change how she deals with it even though she clearly doesn't care to.

13 hours ago, agawam25 said:

 She’s a highly-intelligent woman and I simply can’t understand how it’s possible for her not to see....

That someone is highly intelligent doesn't necessarily mean that they will conduct themselves respectfully.   A person can be intelligent, but also lack commonsense.  Or they can be selfish.  Or they can have low emotional intelligence. Or they may not care about others.

This woman does not care about you.