What does it mean when you're not THAT into someone, but when they reject you, you suddenly fall in love?

[turokturok5]

This is something that keeps happening to me and I'm trying to figure out what it is or what it means exactly so I can stop doing this to myself. I keep getting involved with girls who I know are not really a good match for me, nor I for them. That is, they seemingly have a lukewarm interest towards me and I have a lukewarm interest towards them.

I'll meet a girl and think she is physically attractive, but after trying to have conversations with her, hanging around her in a social setting with mutual friends and realizing that our values don't align, we're at different points in our lives, have different goals etc. or actually asking her out on a date and having her flake/waste my time. I'll mentally put them in a category of somebody I would be interested in having a casual but not necessarily a serious relationship with. 

I'll have fun and have some good chemistry with said girls and eventually we hook up and have a good time. But in every situation so far (three girls this year), either after sleeping with them once or a couple of times, they'll disclose that they just want to keep things platonic and every one of them has cited that it is because they are going through some kind of mental health turmoil and they don't want to lead me on. After this, I'll become infatuated with them for a few weeks to months and think about what it would have been like to have a relationship with them, put them on a pedestal, wonder how to win them back etc. and it's starting to become a pattern that's very exhausting. Eventually I'll meet someone else and the cycle repeats.

Is this common and is there a name for it so I can try to understand it better? I logically know that I shouldn't be "falling" for a girl who I didn't really have romantic interest in to begin with, but as soon as give me that reason to not see me anymore I perceive it as an excuse to reject me and start wondering what is wrong with me. Because all around me, people are maintaining these no strings attached relationships with ease. 

Edited August 31, 2022 by turokturok5

[Alpacalia]

Psychological and physiological aspects.

There is a part of you that wants to be sure these women don't consider you disposable. Whenever someone suggests you are, you want them back. Your rejection is undeserved. Self-importance. 

It sounds self-absorbed, because it is. Relationships are often very self-descriptive. Regardless of maturity, relationships reveal something about us. You can choose to enjoy the relationship regardless, or you can prioritize your need for validation.

Obviously, there are exceptions, such as sincerely missing someone or wishing you could retry. Remember that they treated the relationship the way they did for a reason. If it didn't sync up, it wasn't meant to be. 

[Calmandfocused]

It’s called the scarcity mentality. 
 

If someone/ something is readily available, at your fingertips, it loses value. Easily disposable. 
 

When it’s not available anymore, the value increases in your eyes. You then want it. 
 

You’re basically placing value on something that you can’t have. Add into the mix feelings of rejection and then you’re pining for her. 
 

The way to break this pattern is to date someone who you perceive as high value in the first place.  

[Ami1uwant]

6 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

It’s called the scarcity mentality. 
 

If someone/ something is readily available, at your fingertips, it loses value. Easily disposable. 
 

When it’s not available anymore, the value increases in your eyes. You then want it. 
 

You’re basically placing value on something that you can’t have. Add into the mix feelings of rejection and then you’re pining for her. 
 

The way to break this pattern is to date someone who you perceive as high value in the first place.  

I agree

 

the other piece of this is ego driven….especially if you know you feel you can get anyone if you tried…thrn get rejected.  

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, turokturok5 said:

I'll have fun and have some good chemistry with said girls and eventually we hook up and have a good time. either after sleeping with them once or a couple of times, they'll disclose that they just want to keep things platonic .

Sorry this is happening. Screen better. Don't date lukewarm women. Delete and block women who give you the friendzone speech (doesn't matter the excuse). Try not sleeping together so soon. Many women regret hooking up casually/too soon and want to distance themselves from it.

[Maldives]

On 8/31/2022 at 3:34 PM, turokturok5 said:

This is something that keeps happening to me and I'm trying to figure out what it is or what it means exactly so I can stop doing this to myself. I keep getting involved with girls who I know are not really a good match for me, nor I for them. That is, they seemingly have a lukewarm interest towards me and I have a lukewarm interest towards them.

I'll meet a girl and think she is physically attractive, but after trying to have conversations with her, hanging around her in a social setting with mutual friends and realizing that our values don't align, we're at different points in our lives, have different goals etc. or actually asking her out on a date and having her flake/waste my time. I'll mentally put them in a category of somebody I would be interested in having a casual but not necessarily a serious relationship with. 

I'll have fun and have some good chemistry with said girls and eventually we hook up and have a good time. But in every situation so far (three girls this year), either after sleeping with them once or a couple of times, they'll disclose that they just want to keep things platonic and every one of them has cited that it is because they are going through some kind of mental health turmoil and they don't want to lead me on. After this, I'll become infatuated with them for a few weeks to months and think about what it would have been like to have a relationship with them, put them on a pedestal, wonder how to win them back etc. and it's starting to become a pattern that's very exhausting. Eventually I'll meet someone else and the cycle repeats.

Is this common and is there a name for it so I can try to understand it better? I logically know that I shouldn't be "falling" for a girl who I didn't really have romantic interest in to begin with, but as soon as give me that reason to not see me anymore I perceive it as an excuse to reject me and start wondering what is wrong with me. Because all around me, people are maintaining these no strings attached relationships with ease. 

Rejection breeds obsession

[ShyViolet]

I'm not sure why you are continuing to see girls who you have lukewarm interest for in the first place.  The minute you realize that you're not that into someone, don't continue to see them.