Timeline of getting over your OW/ OM?

[Myabee]

My question for those OW's and OM's who got out of an affair with a Married person,  how long did it take you to reach full acceptance after your affair ended? I have been very curious to know this. Anyone who knows my back story knows D day was Nov 20, 21. We are a little over 9 months and as for accepting it being over that I finally came to terms with by May so that was 6 months later. Do I still have pangs of anger at myself I do. And the reason for that is I feel I wasted precious time and missed so many red flags. 

Edited August 31, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[stillafool]

Myabee your affair only lasted 11 months and while this was almost a year, as you can see some OW are in 5, 10,15 year affairs and have wasted a good portion of their youth on someone else's husband.  I think you need to get back in therapy to forgive yourself so you can move on.  The anger is keeping you stuck as you can see.

[BaileyB]

The anger would be my impetus to let it go and move on. I would have been “over him” the day that the affair ended. In no way would I waste another moment thinking about this man - as you say, he has taken enough of your precious time already. Take the time that you need to learn the lesson here, absolutely. But, focus completely on moving forward and building a better future for yourself.

[Myabee]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

Myabee your affair only lasted 11 months and while this was almost a year, as you can see some OW are in 5, 10,15 year affairs and have wasted a good portion of their youth on someone else's husband.  I think you need to get back in therapy to forgive yourself so you can move on.  The anger is keeping you stuck as you can see.

No it was not 11 months it was more like 18 months. I am in therapy. I have more self forgiveness now yet I still lack the last final bit. Getting there. Truly wondered what other OW or OM had for a timeline of coming full circle. 

[Myabee]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

The anger would be my impetus to let it go and move on. I would have been “over him” the day that the affair ended. In no way would I waste another moment thinking about this man - as you say, he has taken enough of your precious time already. Take the time that you need to learn the lesson here, absolutely. But, focus completely on moving forward and building a better future for yourself.

Thanks BaileyB.

[BaileyB]

1 minute ago, Myabee said:

I am in therapy. I have more self forgiveness now yet I still lack the last final bit. Getting there.

If I may, I really struggled with grief and anger after the death of my mother. What I learned from that experience - we all need time to suffer. We need to feel the pain, wallow in grief, rage against the world, ask the questions, and then do it all again… It ends when you decide it ends. It truly is a decision - a decision to let it go and be happy. You will know when the time is right.  You will make your own decision one day. 

[Myabee]

2 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

If I may, I really struggled with grief and anger after the death of my mother. What I learned from that experience - we all need time to suffer. We need to feel the pain, wallow in grief, rage against the world, ask the questions, and then do it all again… It ends when you decide it ends. It truly is a decision - a decision to let it go and be happy. You will know when the time is right.  You will make your own decision one day. 

Thank you for sharing that. I am sorry you lost your mom and struggled... I can only imagine the grief associated with that. All you said makes sense. I am so much better then before and am ready to take a jab at putting myself back into dating. Also reading a good book at the moment centered around being ok with situations that cause grief. 

[BaileyB]

4 minutes ago, Myabee said:

I am ready to take a jab at putting myself back into dating.

And you know what they say, the best revenge is to live well.

good luck! 

[Bittersweetie]

Myabee, I think there is a difference between getting over OM and getting over the choices one makes that lead to an affair. My A ended and by the time I had a d-day 3-4 months later, I was pretty much over OM. But it took me much longer to get over the reality of the hurtful choices I made and loss of my own integrity. I was in therapy too and peeled my onion down to nothing in order to work through everything, it probably took a year before I felt that I had touched on not only the affair but everything beforehand that led to those choices.

In my case, I projected a lot of what I wanted and needed at that time onto my OM which made me more attached...plus I got a fix every time he contacted me. Once I realized our relationship was more about me than him it was easier to detach, though that did lead to the harder, internal work. I am glad you are in therapy and reading books that are helpful to you. I read a lot too and figured if I got one or two nuggets for thought out of every book, it was worth the read. Good luck.

[Myabee]

1 hour ago, Bittersweetie said:

In my case, I projected a lot of what I wanted and needed at that time onto my OM which made me more attached...plus I got a fix every time he contacted me. Once I realized our relationship was more about me than him it was easier to detach, though that did lead to the harder, internal work

Hi. Yes yes yes this. I feel that and has lead me to harder inner work for sure. Thank you for taking the time to share with me I really appreciate it. 😊